Is Forever Enough?
by makeminedreamy25
Summary: Meredith and Derek had a happy marriage and a beautiful daughter...but what happens when a mistake made by Derek threatens to destroy it all. Is love enough to see them through?
1. Chapter 1

AUTHOR'S NOTE: PLEASE READ!

-For those of you who used to read this story, yes, it is still me! My old account refuses to work, so I could never update. So, I just made a new one and am trying to get it up to date here ASAP. I know you guys have waited awhile and I'm so thankful you've stuck around! Comments, suggestions, and just conversation is always excepted. I do take constructive critisism! Anyway, enjoy the ride...it's pretty angsty at first..but give it a chance!

These characters are not mine...because if they were...THERE WOULD BE NO ROSE! Yada yada...I don't own them! Well...except for some! Disclaimer: This story is rated M for mature, so if you are under 18 don't read it...and if you do...well don't say I didn't warn you!

The traditional Victorian style house was packed to the brim with family and friends. Disney Princess decorations spilled into every room blanketing the house in a cloud of pink. Joyful screams and giggles could be heard echoing through the large house. Parents mingled while the children played games and filled up on junk food. One little girl sat apart from the rest in a small corner underneath the staircase. Her sparkly, blue, Cinderella dress fanned out around her tiny legs. The banner above her head read, "Happy 4th Birthday Ava!"and even though she couldn't read yet, she knew exactly what it said. Turning so she was not facing the banner, she curled her knees to her chest.

She paid no attention to the panicked calls she recognized as her mother's. "Ava!? Ava Grace, where are you!?" Instead of replying, she began to hum rock-a-bye-baby to drown out the noise around her. Her stuffed unicorn, Casey, sat in her lap. It was a Christmas gift from her Aunt Izzie and though it was now July, she had yet to part with her favorite toy. Her mother's calls grew more frantic as she heard footsteps along the wooden floor. They suddenly stopped in front of her and she looked up to see her mother's face change from worried to confused. Ava hung her head as her mother knelt down to take a seat next to her. "What are you doing here all alone?" Her mother asked pushing her golden bangs out of her daughter's face.

The little girl twirled the unicorn's hair around her finger several times before replying. "I want my daddy." Her voice was so quiet her mother had to lean in to hear her. With a loud sigh her mother picked her up and placed her on her lap. "I know you do baby. But remember how mommy and daddy help sick people at work? Well, I'm sure daddy is just doing that right now. Heâ€™ll be here soon.â€ﾝ She tried her best to sound optimistic and put a happy face on for her daughter, but anyone who knew her would be able to tell she wasn't sure of herself. Ava perked up a little listening to her mother's voice. "Daddy said the prince always comes to rescue the princess on her birthday. I'm his princess right mommy?" Her sad blue eyes gazed into her mother's looking for an answer. "Yes. You are his princess and he loves you. He wouldn't miss your birthday party for the world!" Her mother replied once again unable to hide the shakiness from her voice.

"Meredith! Where are you? We should cut the cake, these kids are getting restless!" Meredith stood up with Ava in her arms as Izzie's voice echoed down the hallway. "Cake will make you feel better, I know it will!" Ava perked up as she was carried into the dining room. She was placed at the head of the table as 14 children looked on at the giant castle cake. The lights were switched off and Happy Birthday began being sung. A tiny tear slipped down Ava's cheek as she blew out the candles and looked around the room expectantly. She scanned the room searching for the familiar head of dark brown curls. More tears spilled down her face as she looked at all the adults and only saw her uncles. Cameras flashed in her face making her cry even more and Meredith quickly sat the video camera down on the table and leaned in to comfort her daughter. "You're ok honey. This is the fun part!"

She said, trying her best not to draw attention to the less than happy birthday girl. "I,...I..." The little girl stuttered unable to make out the sentence through her sobs. She reached up for her mother as she finally was able to make out, "I wished for my daddy to come and hes not here." In one quick swoop, Meredith scooped up her daughter and allowed her shirt to become soaked with her daughter's tears. Her heart broke for her daughter, and all she wanted was to fix her baby. "Iz, would you mind cutting the cake?" Meredith asked her friend desperate to get the attention away from the hysterical child. "Oh, No problem!" Izzie replied as she watched Meredith leave with Ava.

Noticing the commotion, Alex came to stand next to Izzie as she sent a desperate look across the room to Cristina. Izzie began cutting the cake but stopped suddenly when Alex whispered, "Mcdreamy's a dead man" into her ear. The comment was not his usual sarcastic humor, but full of anger. Izzie sighed, knowing Alex was probably right. All she could think about was the little girl whose birthday had been ruined. Cristina made sure her 6 year old son Tyler was occupied with his cake before following Meredith and Ava out of the dining room.

Later that night after all the guests had left and Ava had worn herself out, Meredith stood alone in the dimly lit kitchen. The house seemed quiet, a huge contrast from just hours before. She tried not to wake her sleeping daughter as she threw the dishes into the dishwasher. Earlier, she had tried to hide her emotions to make the best out of Ava's party. Cristina had stayed for a vent session after the party. While Tyler entertained Ava, Cristina talked in hushed tones about how much harm she was going to do to Derek once he got home. Meredith vented her own frustrations, until she was almost in tears and had to call it a night. Now, with Cristina long gone, the same sinking feeling had settled over her stomach again.

She glanced at her cell phone and sighed. It read 10:00 P.M. Derek never called to say he was going to miss the party. He didn't even call to apologize. Her platinum rings glistened in the light as she thought back over the past year and how different everything had become.

Their first four years of marriage had been wonderful. They were the golden couple at their small, formal wedding. Though the birth of their daughter was an unexpected surprise just a year later, they were both overjoyed to be parents. Derek adored his little "princess" and Ava took to him immediately. She was a typical daddy's girl, her world revolved around his every move. Meredith often envied her daughter, for having what she never had growing up. The past year had started off great. Their relationship was better than ever until one fall day when Derek approached Meredith in the hospital almost giddy with excitement. He had been offered a chance to sit on the hospitals board of directors and wanted to jump at the chance at the prestigious honor.

Even though it meant more hours at the hospital, and much more work, she was overjoyed for him. He promised their family would always come first. Meredith believed him, and at first, he held to his word. But soon, days turned to nights, and nights turned to weekends. They no longer shared meals together and some days the only time they would talk was in passing at work. Lately, he had been coming home only long enough to shower and grab a few hours of sleep before heading back off to work. Ava began to notice her father's absence and became extremely withdrawn. She clung to him every chance she got and refused to go to sleep at night unless he was there to tuck her in. Understanding how important his work was to him, Meredith put her feelings aside for the first few months. She knew it would take time for him to get adjusted. But, missing Ava's birthday was the last straw. She was used to being broken hearted, she could even handle it, but hurting Ava was something she would not stand for.

The opening of the garage door startled her reverie and she heard Derek's car pull into the garage. She quickly shoved the wrack into the dish washer and slammed the door shut listening to all the glasses clank together. Her back was turned away from him when he walked into the kitchen from the garage. She tensed up as her anger reached the boiling point. Derek knew the minute he walked in that Meredith was angry. He stood silently in the doorway watching as she franticly scrubbed the counter top. A wave of guilt washed over him as he looked around the house to the work that was put into decorating for his daughter's birthday party. A large piece of cake sat on the island with a note written by Ava that said, Daddy's Cake. He smiled, and then frowned realizing just how much trouble he was in. Meredith turned to look at him and he instantly saw the hurt and anger reflecting in her green eyes. Bracing himself for the fight he knew was coming, he stepped into the room and placed his bag on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

"Meredith I'm so sorry." Derek said as he walked towards her to pull her into his arms. Without hesitation she stepped away from him not allowing him anywhere near her. "Don't Derek. Don't touch me right now." Her features remained steady but her voice was harsh and almost spiteful. He thought about touching her anyway, but the angry look on her face made him think otherwise. Derek tilted his head and sighed. "I wanted to be here¦I did. But, the board asked me to sit in on a meeting and you know how huge that is!" His voice remained calm and he smiled, half expecting her to understand. His face fell as she backed further away from him and sent the sponge flying into the sink. "It's always the hospital Derek. It's always the board. You might as well be married to the damn board. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen her to angry and it took him completely off guard.

"I don't know wt say sorry to me!â€ﾝ She was fuming now, allowing all the anger from the day to be released. Her voice got louder and louder as she began to yell. "Don't say sorry to me! Say sorry to your daughter who cried all day because her daddy promised to be at her birthday party." Derek's face fell upon hearing her words. He loved his daughter, there was no doubt. He knew he had to make things right, but he had to idea what to say to calm his angry wife down. "I should have been here Meredith. I know, I'll make this up to her to both of you" He stepped closer to her bridging the huge gap that was between them. His eyes begged her to look up at him, but he was met with only the back of her head as she turned away from him. She refused to look at him, as she intently watched her shoes.

She knew looking at him would cause her to melt. She'd forgive him and sweep it under the rug of disappointments he had caused that year. She didn't want to start a fight, she didn't want to have this conversation. But there was no way around it. She was done avoiding. Finally, she took a deep breath and said everything that had been building up for so long. "You've been absent Derek. You act like you're not even in this relationship anymore. We barely see each other, you never make time for Ava, and I've been like a single mother for the past year." He was shocked by her admission and stood silently for several minutes trying to process it all. He knew he'd been spending a lot of time at work. â€˜she seemed to understand all that 'where is this coming from,' he thought as he watched her nervously fiddle with her blouse. She stopped fidgeting and looked him straight in the eyes once more as she worked up more courage to finish her tirade. "I was Ava's age when my father left. It broke me, I was never the same. I wont stand here and watch the same thing happen to her." She could tell the statement had an affect on him immediately. His eyes grew wide and her words left him speechless. He ran his hands through his dark curls as he thought of the best way to reply. "Meredith, I would never leave her. How could...how could you even think that?" Sadness was evident in his voice and his words hung in the air for several minutes before the anger rose up in her again. â€œHow could I think that!? Because you are leaving her! You are never here to put her bed, you're not here spending time with her, and you're making promises you can't keep!"

Her voice was louder than before and she began to pace around the kitchen. Finally she stopped and looked him square in the face. "I wont let you hurt her like Thatcher hurt me!!" She had said it. The thought had been rolling around her mind all day and she felt better once it was out of her head. Meredith knew she had hit him hard. He reacted as if she had physically slapped him. Suddenly his eyes had turned dark and she could see his face turn red in anger. "Don't you dare compare me to Thatcher!" He spat, raising his voice to match her earlier pitch. His words boomed through the house and she was a little taken back by their intensity. â€œYouâ€¦.you encouraged me to go for this position! You have never said anything about this before and now all the sudden you spring this on me like I'm worst man of the year!" They were standing face to face both equally angry and both unwilling to let down. â€œI encouraged you because I knew how upset you were when you didn't get chief! But, you promised not to let it interfere with your family!"

Derek was frustrated and well beyond angry. He wasn't sure what led him to say what he said next. "I would have been chief if we hadn't of had Ava! He picked Mark because he knew you were pregnant!" He regretted the words the minute they were out of his mouth. She stood speechless. Shocked at his admission. He could barely stand the look of anguish on her face as he watched her green eyes glisten with tears. He wanted to grab her in that moment and never let her go. She wiped away the tears that had already made their way down her face before she replied. " I'm sorry your wife and child got in the way of your perfect career. Don't turn it around on me. We didn't plan to get pregnant, but that little girl is the best thing that ever happened to us!" Meredith was sobbing now and unable to make out anything else as her body began to shake. He couldn't stand to see her cry and wrapped his arms around her apologizing. "I know...I know. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry" She let him hold her for a brief minute before getting her anger back and pushing him away. "No. No, I just...I have to think for awhile."

In a daze she wiped the remaining tears out of her eyes and grabbed her keys off the counter. He called her name as she made her way out of the kitchen and into the hallway. She ignored him as she walked out of the house and slammed the front door on her way out. It took a few minutes for it all to sink in but once it did anger overtook his body. "Dammit!" He screamed listening to his voice echo through the silent house. With a quick swoop of his fist the contents of the counter crashed to the floor. He ran his hands through his hair as he began to pace around the kitchen contemplating his next move.

Derek paced around the kitchen overcome with anger and guilt. Anger because he had caused Meredith so much pain once again, and guilt because he acted like a complete jackass. Him and Meredith never fought. He wasn't used to fighting and though she usually avoided everything, it wasn't like her to storm out of the house. He wanted to call her, wanted to apologize, but the tiny voice calling him name from upstairs stopped him dead in his tracks. A panicked feeling went through him as he realized their fight must have woken up Ava. He kicked himself for being so careless and stupid. Knowing his daughter would be terrified, he took the stairs two at a time anxious to comfort her.

She was standing at the top of the steps with tears running down her face for the second time that day. Her blond hair was wild and messy from the party and the princess makeup Izzie had put on her was smudged all over her face. She had a frightened look in her eyes. Almost the same look Derek had seen in Meredith's just minutes before. Sometimes he couldn't help but marvel at how alike the two girls were. "It's okay, daddy's here." He reached her within seconds and lifted her into her arms. "You were yelling...are you mad at me and mommy?" His heart broke, upset that their fight had caused such a reaction from Ava. She buried her head in his chest and continued to sob and he made slow circles around her back trying to rock her back to sleep. "No baby, I could never be mad at you. You're my little princess." His fingers unconsciously ran through her knotted hair.

Ava clutched as his shirt, not willing to let him go. He rocked her for several minutes before her sobbing stopped and she seemed to fall back to sleep. Carrying her down the hall to her bedroom he couldn't even think because the fight kept running back through his head. How had it all even happened? He wasn't sure. All he knew was they used to be happy. They used to have everything they had ever wanted...and now, now he wasn't even sure what it was they wanted. He admitted to himself he had been a little absent. He just wasn't sure why he had been absent. He loved his wife, more than he could even say, but there was still something that caused him to go the extra mile at work. Something in his head was keeping him at the hospital begging him to stay he just had no idea what it was. All he was sure of, at that moment was that he had hurt his little girl, and no apologies in the world could make up for that. He laid her down in her bed and moved to lay next to her. He couldn't let her go yet. He just...needed to hold on to her for a minute longer. Maybe then it would all make sense.

**  
**

Meredith sat alone in the car for what seemed like hours. The rain pounded down against her metal SUV creating a noisy tin sound. She had cried non stop since she left the house and found it hard to calm down. Derek loved her. She knew that...but sometimes he just had a horrible way of showing.

She knew he was devastated when he didn't get chief. But, his admission about Ava took her completely off guard. "Was he unhappy? Is this the reason he's been so absent?" She had no idea what to think, all she knew was she had to get away from him. Wiping the tears out of her eyes she pulled out of the long drive way and drove as far away from their land as she could. The rain pounded harder and harder making it impossible to see the road...but she kept going anyway. She lost track of time as she drove down the familiar street. Finally, she stopped out front of a familiar house and watched as the living room lights were being flicked off.

Her mothers house brought back wonderful memories of her friends and she wanted to go in, more than anything. She wanted to be comforted and held and go back to the times where they where they laid underneath the christmas tree laughing. She had left the house to Izzie and Alex once her and Derek moved out. She couldn't bare to see it sold. She thought about knocking on the door, but didn't want to keep her friends up all night worrying about her. Instead, she kept crying. Not wanting to think of the fact that her marriage could very well be failing.

The tears streaming down her cheeks seemed to mix with the rain beating against the window. She just sat, for hours and hours not even caring what time it was. She didn't arrive home until 3 AM, glad to see Derek had not waited up for her. Her clothes dripped all over the house and she shivered in the air conditioning. She found Derek, sound asleep in Ava's bed. Her hands were on his chest, her hair fanning around his neck. He one arm was wrapped protectively around her. Meredith couldn't even remember the last time he had held her like that. She missed his strong arms rocking her to sleep.

In a daze she stripped off her clothes in the hallway leaving a trail to her bedroom. She didn't even care that she was naked as she crawled into her huge king sized bed. Sleep was hard to come by. The bed felt cold and empty and she wanted nothing more than to have Derek by her side.

The light shone into the bedroom waking Meredith after what seemed like only a few hours sleep. Her whole body ached and felt like she had been run over by a truck. Groaning, she turned over and looked at the clock. Seeing that it was 9:00 she threw off the covers and volted out of bed struggling to throw on a pair of sweat pants and t-shirt. She had the day off, her first day in months, but Ava never slept past 7. Each day her daughter would crawl into their bed waking either her or Derek up with her snuggling. But today...Ava was no where to be found. She quickly checked the upstairs noticing Derek was gone as well. The panic subsided when she reached the kitchen and found a note sitting next to a fresh pot of coffee.

Meredith,  
I know it's your day off and you could probably use some space so I took Ava to daycare. We should talk. Meet me at my office around 3. I love you.  
derek

Meredith shook off the sinking feeling that had settled over her the night before and poured herself a cup of coffee. She wasn't sure if she was ready to talk, but she would try. She caught her reflection in the microwave door and realized how exhausted she looked. Her eyes were red and puffy and she had dark circles underneath them. She remembered she was having lunch with Addison and quickly finished her coffee so she could jump in the shower.

A few hours later Meredith was running late as she hurried in to the down town cafe. She had done her best to look nice, but unfortunately nothing short of a miracle could hide her exhausted appearance. She prayed Addison wouldn't notice as she spotted the tall red head seated at the table. Since their wedding, Addison and Meredith had formed a unique friendship. They offered different perspectives on things and Meredith was glad to have someone who understood Derek. Even if it was his Ex-Wife. It was better than nothing. Their friendship had started off slow and awkward. Addison offered to help Meredith with her and Derek's upcoming wedding and it just seemed to blossom from there. Their friendship had inspired Mark and Derek to patch things up which the girls admit was sort of their plan from the beginning. Mark and Derek were a little slower and becoming friends, but once the bitterness was gone, it was almost like the old days in New York.

Addison looked impeccable as always and she smiled when Meredith approached. Her and Mark's two month old daughter, Peyton, was in the carrier asleep at her side. Meredith was amazed at how glamorous Addison looked just two months after giving birth. The red head stood up to greet her, happy to be out of the house. Her maternity leave was almost up and she couldn't wait to get back to work. Meredith peered into the baby carrier, commenting on how big the baby was getting. Peyton was the spitting image of her mother with rosy cheeks and tiny wisps of dark red hair. Addison and Mark had somehow made a perfect family and Meredith found herself surprisingly jealous.

The two friends made small talk for awhile, allowing Meredith to keep her mind off of Derek. "Did Ava calm down after everyone left last night?" Addison asked once their lunch had arrived. Addison immediately knew something was wrong when Meredith hesitated before responding. "No...she was upset until she went to bed...Derek didn't get home until late so she didn't get to see him." Meredith was playing with her food like a child and wouldn't even look up to meet Addison's eyes. Though Addison had noticed her exhausted appearance the moment she walked in, she was hesitant to bring it up knowing Meredith was upset the day before. "You...just don't seem yourself. What's wrong?" Meredith looked into Addison's eyes for the first time causing Addison's face to fall. Meredith couldn't hide her emotions as the night before caught up to her. "We um...we got into a fight last night. Once he got home...it was pretty bad." Addison was surprised by that knowing the two rarely faught. "Really? I figured you two would be up all night with his groveling?" "Right...I wish there was groveling..." Meredith's voice was painfully serious and Addison wasn't sure if she should push the subject or not. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Meredith wasn't sure how to approach the topic with Addison. Derek's absence in their previous marriage had been one of the key factors in it's demise and she didn't want to dredge up old wounds. Something in Addison's concerned eyes gave her the courage to open up, knowing that there was probably no one better to understand. "What did you do when Derek first started becoming absent?" Addison's fork dropped to her plate and her eyes grew wide in surprise. "Well...I guess I became engrossed in my practice..why do you ask?" Peyton began to whimper in her seat and Meredith put off answering the question by picking her up and cradling her in her arms.

"She's so pretty Addison. I really miss Ava at this age." "Meredith what is it?" Addison asked knowing the younger woman was avoiding her question. "What's going on with you and Derek?" Meredith shifted Peyton in her arms ignoring the question. "Meredith...out with it!" Addison was getting worried. It was not like the couple to be anything but sickly happy. The two couples had gotten so close that she thought of them as family. Meredith sighed..."It's Derek. He's been...absent. Ever since he realized he was up for the board position he's been married to the hospital." Her voice was painfully soft and Addison could tell it was taking a lot out of her to talk about it.

Addison was shocked. She had no idea what to say. It was so unlike Derek to even think of putting anything before Meredith. "Did you...did you talk to him about it?" "Well, no. Not at first. I thought it would pass. But, he didn't even call to say he wasn't coming to her party...and when I confronted him about him never being around he blamed it all on me. He's completely in denial about the whole thing. I just...I don't know what to do." Addison couldn't believe how stupid Derek was being. She was still stunned, unsure of what to tell her. Peyton began to whimper and Meredith handed her over to Addison. "Meredith...when he was not around, it was partly my fault. I let it happen. I waited ten years until I did something about it. By then...it was hopeless. You and I both know he is stubborn and has an irrational temper. Don't let him get away with it." Meredith smiled for the first time all day glad she had someone who could understand. "Find a way to make him see...just don't sleep with his best friend because he's taken!" The girls both laughed and Meredith thought for a slit second that maybe she could get through it after all.

ok so, I know they really aren't friends in the show now...but i really like addison's character and feel like the two couples would make for a pretty interesting friendship! we'll get more on what all the other interns are up to as well eventually! let me know what you think!!


	3. Chapter 3

It had been over half an hour as Meredith sat in Derek's small office tapping her fingers against the oak desk. She had already checked her email and surfed the internet, she was now getting restless waiting for Derek. She assumed he was stuck in a surgery, but called his cell phone anyway and got no answer. She was quickly getting annoyed at the fact that she was waisting her day off in the hospital. The talk with Addison had made her feel confidant standing up to Derek. She was sure this time that she would stand up for herself and not let their marriage end like his previous one had. Glancing around his desk, she settled on a manila envelope addressed to Derek. She didn't want to snoop, but her curiosity got the best of her.

Her pulse began to race like a kid stealing cookies from the cookie jar. She pulled out the contents and skimmed over the cover letter. She sat it aside not interested in it's contents. The next paper caught her attention. It was a job offer from Los Angeles General. They wanted to Derek to be their chief of surgery. Meredith was surprised by the letter, knowing Derek had not mentioned it before. He got lots of offers from hospitals all over the country, but surely he would have mentioned a chief position.

What shocked her even more was the contract that slid out underneath the letter. Her heart stopped as she skimmed over the letter and noticed the signature at the bottom. There were two places to sign, and Derek had signed one of them. The signature was dated July 12, just three days before. Suddenly she felt sick to her stomach and shoved the packet off the desk. She couldn't even find it in her to cry as her hands started to shake. 'Why would he do this without telling me? Is this why he's been so absent? Is he planning on leaving me?...Did he want chief that badly that he was willing to give up his family for it?' Too many thoughts were raising through her mind and she felt dizzy.

45 Minutes had gone by and Meredith knew Derek wasn't coming to talk. She finally allowed herself to cry as she bolted out of the room and ran to the nearest bathroom to empty her stomach. She tried to maintain her composure as she went to pick up Ava from daycare. In an instant she had made her mind. She knew what she had to do, and it had to be done as soon as possible.

Hours later Meredith clicked ignore on her cell phone for the second time knowing it was Derek. She hurriedly threw a few days worth of clothes into her suit case not even bothering to shut her dresser drawers. She followed the same pattern into Ava's room in a daze not even noticing what she was packing. She could barely write as she scribbled a sloppy note for Derek and left it on the table where he would see it. "Find a way to make him see..." The words Addison had said earlier that day kept running over and over in her mind.

She wasn't even sure where she was going as she shuffled Ava out the door. The little girl was noticeably shaken by her mother's actions and clung to her side looking back at the house longingly. All she could picture was Derek moving to Los Angeles and leaving her. She had abandonment issues and her first instinct was to run away and not give him that chance. Her current anger was overshadowing the hurt and she felt almost numb to the world. "Mommy...mommy where are we going?" Ava asked, scared from the backseat. "We're going to visit Aunt Izzie and Uncle Alex! Wont that be fun?" Meredith put her fakest smile on and Ava bought it, smiling. "Will daddy be there too?" Meredith froze, not prepared for that question. She didn't even respond as she put the car in reverse and left the house much like she had the night before.

So because I am uploading this to get caught up...some "chapters" will be smaller or larger than others! But I will try to get up caught up as soon as possible.

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	4. Chapter 4

Derek knew something was off the minute he walked into his quiet house. It reminded him of the night he had caught Addison cheating, a memory he hadn't thought of in years. This feeling however, was different and more pressing. He wasn't sure what he would find as he walked through the downstairs not seeing any signs of Meredith. He called her name up the steps, but got no answer. He knew she was mad at him for missing their meeting today. His surgery had gone longer than expected and he had tried to call her afterwards, but she didn;t answer. Cristina had been really cold and bitter to him all day. He was sure it was a result of his actions the night before. He asked her all day if she had talked to Meredith but Cristina just walked away from him every time.

He noticed her clothes strewn across the hallway where she had left them to crawl naked into her bed the night before. He thought it was funny, that morning, walking into their room to find her naked in their bed. He thought about crawling in with her for an instant, but than realized it probably wouldn't have gone over well. He couldn't shake the sinking feeling that settled in his stomach as he walked into their bedroom not seeing his wife anywhere. The lights were still on and he spotted the drawers she had forgotten to shut. He found the same scene in Ava;s room and began to panic knowing they wouldn't have gone out anywhere so late at night. He quickly ran downstairs to check the garage for her car and found it empty. He pushed send on his cell phone again calling her, willing her to answer.

He was worried, wracking his brain for any possible place she would have had to be that night. He slammed the phone shut getting no answer and went to call it again but was stopped by the note he saw laying on the counter. He found it suddenly sad that for the past few days their only contact had been through notes and voicemails. The note was not what he was expecting. It was written sloppily, on an old sheet of paper Ava had used to doodle on. He read it over it once, and then again not fully understanding it's contents.

-I spent my living wishing I had a real family, I will not have Ava do the same. Find us when you decide your family means something to you.

Tears stung his eyes and he crumpled the note up into a ball and threw it onto the floor. He was angry, but more at himself than Meredith. Running his hands through his hair he paced the kitchen slamming things that were in his way. "She left me?" He said to the silent kitchen barely being able to hold back the sobs that were threatening to come. "No! She can't. This can't happen." Derek was sobbing now struggling to catch his breath. In a daze he quickly called both Cristina and Izzie's cell phones getting no answer.

Just when he was about to go insane, he dialed Mark's number and waited three rings for him to pick up. "Derek what's up?" Derek couldn't even form words his breathing was so erratic. Mark grew concerned not recalling a recent time where his friend had been so worked up. Unable to get a word out of Derek, Mark handed off the phone to Addison, kissed her goodbye, and dashed out of his house. "Derek, calm down. What happened? you need to breath and talk to me." Addison had a way of talking to Derek when it came to Meredith. He had a tendency to loose control and Addison always seemed to be the one to keep him in check. "Meredith...Meredith..." Addison felt suddenly sick not knowing where the conversation was headed. She hadn't seen him this worked up since Meredith's accident on the ferry so many years ago. "Derek is she ok? Just calm down and tell me what happened." Addison's voice was soothing, yet firm, trying her best to get Derek to open up. "I don't know if shes fine!" He barked into the phone not even sure where the anger was coming from. "She's gone...she took Ava and oh god they're gone."

Derek was pacing around the house barely listening to what Addison was saying. "Did she say anything to you today when you had lunch with her?" Derek was desperate and Addison wasn't sure what to reply. "She um. She was upset about your fight and not herself at all. But, she said you guys were meeting to talk about it, she didn't say anything about leaving" Anger ran through his body again, "What did you say to her to make her do this!?" Derek was taking out his anger on Addison not even meaning to. Expecting his reaction, Addison was quick to reply. "Derek Shepherd, you are too consumed in work to even notice your wife and daughter. Calm down, stop blaming everyone else and take some responsibility. Mark is on his way over, wait there for him and then god dammit go find your wife and fix your marriage!" Derek didn't say a word...¦.stunned at her sudden outburst. He heard the phone go dead in his ear and curled into a heap on the floor. Leaning against the counter he saw Casey, Ava's unicorn. The girl never slept without it and he wondered how Meredith got her out of the house without the toy. Grabbing it he clutched it to his chest taking in the familiar scent that was uniquely his daughter.

Izzie opened the door surprised to see Meredith Standing on the door step. Ava was in her arms and two small bags sat at her side. She looked horrible and Izzie knew something bad had happened as she ushered the two in the foyer. "Aunt Izzie!!" Meredith put Ava down and the girl flew into Izzie's arms. "Hey girly how are you?" Izzie tried to seem excited to see her while shooting Meredith a concerned look. "Mer, what's wrong? Don't get me wrong..I'm glad you're here...but what's going on?" Meredith stood in the foyer not moving and not saying a word. She was visibly shaken and trying her best to keep it together.

She looked up to see Alex walk down the stairs. He stopped, not expecting to see Meredith and Ava. "Munchkin! Hey!" Alex called out to Ava taking the girl from Izzie. "What are you doing here?" "Mommy and daddy got into a fight!" Ava said not noticing the tension in the room. "Hey Avs, why don't we go get some ice cream!?" "YES!" Alex put her down allowing her to run into the familiar kitchen. Izzie shrugged giving him her best "I have no idea" look as she watched them walk into the kitchen.

Izzie led Meredith into the living room and they both sat on the sofa. "Do you mind if we stay the night? I just...I was going to go to a hotel, but I didn't want to scare Ava anymore than she already is." Meredith was rambling and Izzie had to stop her in order to get a word in. "Meredith...yes, of course you can stay, but why? Where's Derek?" Meredith sighed, fiddling with her watch around her wrist. A few seconds went by before she answered.

"We got into a fight last night about Ava's party. I told him how absent he's been...and he denied it...and just sort of blamed it all on me and Ava. He wants that position on the board..and he cares more about that than me." Meredith barely took a breath as she kept going and Izzie nodded trying to keep up with her fast paced talking. "Then...today we were supposed to talk and he never showed and I found a signed contract from a hospital in LA sitting on his desk. What am I supposed to think?? I just..I don't know what to do. I had to get away. I can't...I can't just sit back and watch him destroy this family." Meredith wanted to cry so badly, but the tears just wouldn't come. She looked at Izzie willing her to tell her she was making the right decision.

"Mer, does he know you left? Where is he?" "I don't know, he...he wasn't home when I left I just left him a note.." Alex walked into the room missing most of the conversation. "Munchkin is happy with her ice cream, that'll keep her busy for awhile!" He sat down next to Meredith, knowing something bad had happened. "Meredith and Ava are going to spend the night." Izzie said to Alex. "Derek's really done it this time hasn't he?" He tried to make light of the situation to get a reaction from Meredith but she seemed to not even notice him.

"I think...I think I'm going to lie down for awhile. I'm really not feeling well." Meredith not only felt empty and emotionally drained, her whole body ached like before and she felt the overwhelming need to be sick as she thought back to Derek. "Oh, go ahead. You and Ava can use George's old room. We moved your old bed in the once...you and..." Izzie stalled not wanting to mention Derek. "Once you guys moved out." She finished. "We'll bring the munchkin in once she's done, that'll give you some time." Meredith forced a half smile as she stood up. "Ok thanks guys, I really appreciate it." Meredith began to walk out of the room but Izzie called out to her. "What should we do when Derek shows up?" Izzie asked knowing it was only a matter of time before he pieced it all together. Meredith didn't even look at her friends as she kept walking out of the room. "Just...tell him we'll talk tomorrow. I can't...I can't deal with it right now." Meredith was avoiding again and her friends knew it, but neither of them wanted her to be in any more pain than she had to be.

Alex moved to go get Ava. "I'm nervous Alex. I really hope they can work this out." Izzie followed him out of the room grabbing his hand in the process. Alex turned to embrace her in a hug and quickly kissed her on the lips. "I'm worried for Ava. This is going to devastate her." "I know, promise me we'll never fight when we have kids?" Izzie said jokingly. "Iz, let's get through our wedding before we start having kids!" Alex replied slapping her ass as she giggled and walked into the kitchen. "You just wait, two weeks and then the kids thing...it's seriously happening." Alex smirked...smiling at the fact that she would be his wife two weeks from then. "We can practice all you want on our honey moon" He added running his hand once again over her ass. She slapped him away as they joined Ava with some ice cream.

Derek wasn't sure how many minutes passed by before Mark was standing in front of him. He hadn't even heard the door open. He looked up as Mark reached into the cabinet for two glasses and dug a bottle of scotch out of the freezer. Mark didn't say a word as he sat down beside Derek and handed him his drink. Derek hadn't uttered a sound and just sat staring at nothing in particular. Mark didn't pressure his friend to talk, he just sat silently waiting until he was ready. Addison had clued him in on her conversation with Meredith earlier that day. Mark knew his Derek was in a load of shit...but just hoped his friend could see that for himself.

Derek finally spoke and when he did, his voice was barely above a whisper. "I screwed everything up Mark." He still wouldn't look at Mark, and seemed detached from the world. "It's just...I wanted to be chief before Ava was born. I wanted to do more than be a surgeon. I want to sit on the board...and oversee things and make hospital decisions...but I just don't know how to balance it all. "I've been a lousy husband and a bad father and i don't...I don't even know how to fix it." Mark was relieved Derek understood the intensity of his situation, but not sure what to say. Derek had always been the advice giver in their friendship. Mark was usually the one messing up. Things weren't always great with Addison. Being chief and having a wife was not easy, but somehow, they had worked it out. He wasn't sure how to say that to his friend.

"Derek, you know how to fix it. Figure out what's important to you and go with that. You have a great job...you have stability, you could never work again and be set for life financially...so just...have a family. Be happy." Derek shook his head taking a small sip of his drink. "It's not..it's not that easy Mark. I'm just so confused. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I know I love Meredith, I know I don't ever want to loose her...but I can't explain what keeps me at the hospital at night when I know I should be home with her...I just, I don't know." Mark downed his own drink urging Derek to keep going. Derek was never very open, and Mark was surprised, but glad at the opportunity to get a grasp on what the man was thinking. "You know that job offer from LA? I thought about accepting it for a few minutes. I was ready to just pick up and move my family to another state without a thought. I didn't even stop to think what Meredith would think...or how it would confuse Ava. I just...thought..I'd have the perfect job and a great family. How could I have done that? What kind of asshole does that? What kind of jerk misses his daughter's birthday party!?" Derek was upset as he downed the rest of his drink and smashed it to the floor. Pieces of glass went everywhere and Mark thought about throwing his as well to make a point. He smirked as a thought popped into his head. "What kind of asshole sleeps with his best friends wife and then marries her?" His joking words got a slight smile from Derek before his face fell into a frown once again.

"Listen Derek. The way I see it...you have two choices. You can find Meredith and talk about this with her, even if you are confused, or you can sit here and throw things. You know she didn't go far with Ava. She's not at my house, so I'm betting she's either at Yang's, or at Stephens." Mark smirked again as he got up and sat his glass on the counter. "I'm betting money on Stephens, I'll come with you. Maybe Izzie's in a sexy nighty." He was smiling down at Derek trying his best to get his friend up. Derek looked at him truly, for the first time that night and slowly got up from the floor. "You're married." He said, in a matter of fact way. "I know, but that never stopped me before." He was openly joking now, teasing Derek, and Derek couldn't help but chuckle softly, grabbing his coat before following Mark out the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Meredith and Ava were already "in bed" by the time Derek and Mark showed up at Izzie's. Ava was the only one actually asleep, content to have a "vacation" at her Aunt Izzie's. Meredith laid with her until she fell asleep and then crept down the stairs unable to find sleep. Her and Izzie were sipping on tea in the kitchen when they heard the knock at the door. Meredith looked at Izzie with a pained expression. "Please..just tell him I'm asleep. I can't talk to him right now...I need time to think." Meredith begged. She was emotionally drained and still felt sick, waiting for her stomach to revolt on her and spill it's contents.

"Fine I'll be the messenger. But you owe me, and you have to promise to talk to him tomorrow, I can't handle hovering Derek all day." Izzie wasn't surprised to see Mark standing next to Derek on the porch. She took in Derek's hallowed appearance and instantly felt bad for him. Though she knew he had been a huge jerk, and would side with Meredith on just about anything, she couldn't help but feel sympathy for the man who was obviously in pain. "Can I talk to her?" He asked, not even bothering to say hello to Izzie. His eyes were dull and lifeless and he barely looked her in the eyes when he spoke. When he finally did look up she saw pure desperation and she wished more than anything she could let him in. Mark stepped back, allowing Derek to talk with Izzie alone.

"I messed up. I know that. I just...I need to see her. To talk to her, and make sure she's ok." "I'm sorry Derek, she's asleep upstairs with Ava. I don't think it's a good idea if you wake them up." Derek's face fell in disappointment. He knew Meredith probably wasn't asleep...knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep with how upset she was. "Please, just let me see her at least. She's my wife, and my daughter's there, you can't keep me away from them." He was begging now, a side Izzie had never really seen before. Izzie shook her head, knowing she could not give into Derek's sadness. "No...Derek, you both need time to cool off. She is upset, but she's ok. I'll make sure of that. Ava is ok, she thinks she's on vacation."

"No...I just...I need to see her." "Derek please. Take this advice. Talk to her tomorrow when you've both had time to think. It's for the better. I Promise." Derek stared down at the ground processing what she had said for a few minutes before replying. He finally nodded in agreement and said ok. Not because he wanted to, but because he knew it was best for Meredith and Ava. "Just...can you please just tell her I'm sorry...and that I love her and Ava more than anything..please?" His voice was full of desperation and for the first time Izzie noticed Derek was clutching Ava's unicorn in his arms. "I'll tell them Derek." She reached out for the stuffed animal and he gave it to her reluctantly, not really willing to give it up. "Ava left this...please give it to her...she can't...she can't sleep without it." His voice was so low she almost didn't hear it and she could have sworn she saw his eyes glisten. Derek walked away not saying a word.

Once Izzie had shut the door she walked back into the kitchen with the animal. Meredith was sobbing at the table having heard the conversation. Izzie went to put more water on the stove knowing it was going to be a long night.

Derek woke up in an uncomfortable position and a tried to roll the kink out of his neck. He could hear noises drifting from the kitchen could smell coffee being brewed. He struggled for a minute to remember where he was, glancing around at the fashionable living room. It dawned on him that he was in Mark's living room. His head pounded, reminding him how many scotch's him and Mark had downed after leaving Izzie's.

Throwing the blanket off of him, he padded into the immaculate kitchen. There he found Addison, dressed in her best Gucci suit and heels. She had taken the time to look extra nice since it was her first day back at work. Peyton was sitting in a bouncy on the table struggling to catch the colorful fish mobile that danced above her.

"Well good morning sunshine!" Addison greeted, walking over and handing him a bottle of Tylenol. Derek looked tired and worn down. He had no reply as he moved to pour himself a cup of coffee. Addison sat down at the table with her own coffee and bagel. "Mark's already at the hospital, he didn't want to wake you, I assumed it's been awhile since you've drank that much." Derek groaned and nodded, sitting down beside her to sip his own coffee. Addison could tell her was miserable and Mark and filled her in on last night, but she didn't want to press the issue with Derek. His eyes glanced at Peyton, noticing the baby for the first time. "Wow...she's getting so big." He reached out to touch the child and Peyton cooed and smiled at him loving the attention.

Derek seemed mesmerized in the tiny baby and Addison sat back and took it all in. "She loved her uncle Derek." Addison said, but Derek seemed lost in his own world. "I keep forgetting how small they are...it's so hard to remember Ava like this.." He was talking more to himself half forgetting Addison was there at all. "We always planned on having lots of kids. I always wanted lots of noise and chaos.." He looked up at Addison with sudden pain in his eyes. "But...I guess I kind of ruined that..."

Addison pushed her chair closer to him, "You will have more kids Derek, you guys will make it through this. In fact, I'm sure the make up sex alone will produce at least two more in the next two years.." She was smirking, making light of the situation and he smiled, hoping she was right. "How could I have done this to our marriage? I should have learned from practically destroying our marriage..." He was beating himself down now and Addison couldn't handle seeing him like that. She moved closer to take his hand in hers to get him to focus on her. "Derek, you know you were not the only reason we got divorced...you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and go tell Meredith all of this." Addison felt bad for him, but also knew that she couldn't let him just sit and mope around. Both him and Meredith were both avoiders, and she was not going to let either of them avoid this for too long.

Derek's hands were running through his hair causing him to stick up in all directions. He was getting frustrated, Addison could tell by his actions. "She's stubborn Addy. I doubt she'll even let me talk to her at all..." Addison stood up to lift Peyton from her carrier, some what annoyed with his reply. "Derek Shepherd..." She began raising her voice. "She loves you, trust me. Just go to work, find her and arrange a time to meet. Don't hover, don't get all sad eyes, just ask her to talk later." Derek chuckled a little, realizing how well Addison knew him. "Why don't I take Ava for the night, that way you guys can hash things out having to worry about her." Derek stood up shaking his head. "Addison, you have enough to deal with having Peyton, Ava doesn't just sit still...she's a handful." Addison laughed. "That's the point, I'm trying to get Mark used to having more than one child around!" Derek's eyes grew wide. "Are you pregnant already?" Addison hit him on the arm and he mocked a fake ouch.

"Not yet! Mark really only wants one child, but I want more and I plan on being pregnant by December." Derek raised an eye brow at her. "Addison, that's less than 5 months away, why so soon?" She looked at him pretending to be appalled. "Derek, I wont be young forever!" Derek sighed, moving to put his mug in the sink. "Yeah...me either." She watched as he looked down at the floor. "Derek, stop it! Go talk to her! Before I kick you for being a downer!" He smirked at her, and brushed a hand softly over Peyton's fuzzy head. He kissed Addison platonicly on the cheek. "Thanks for the coffee and the sofa." He replied before walking out. She could hear the front door close and turned to her daughter who was laying peacefully in her arms. "Pey...can you believe I was married to that ball of emotions?" Peyton cooed and seemed to laugh in response and Addison smiled knowing her daughter was going to be just like her.

Meredith rubbed her eyes, as she scrubbed in for her first surgery. Coffee did nothing to aid her exhaustion since she had gotten no sleep the night before. She was in her last years of residency, picking and choosing her own surgeries. Today her mission was to do as many as possible to keep her mind off of Derek. Her plan worked well, until a few hours into her first surgery. She glanced up into the gallery out of habit only to be met with two piercing blue eyes staring back at her. Her heart sank as her and Derek locked eyes for the first time. He sighed and tilted his head showing her how sorry he was. Her heart ached and she turned back to her surgery willing herself to stay focused.

Later in the day she found refuge outside, nibbling on an apple in piece. She had not seen Derek the rest of the day and was some what surprised he had not been more smothering. She heard him approach and neither said a word as he sat down beside her. "Meredith...can we talk?" His voice was sort of nervous and in any other circumstance, she would have found it cute. She looked at him, instantly knowing he was exhausted as well. A part of her was glad he was suffering as much as she was. "I don't really want to get into it here..." She was still mad at him and knew the hospital was no place for the discussion that would surely end in some form of argument." He watched as she picked at her apple, barely eating any before throwing it into the trashcan beside her. "I know...Addison wants to take Ava for the night...do you want to come home and we can talk after your shift?" Meredith wanted to go home badly. She wanted to just crawl into bed with him and forget the whole fight ever existed, but she knew that she had to fight for their marriage now. She couldn't avoid it any longer. Meredith nodded yes, afraid to speak for fear she would break down in front of him. She thanked her lucky stars that his beeper went off. He kissed her, brushing his lips across hers before rushing back into the hospital.

"Hey, Meredith, what happened last night? Izzie called me all 'Meredith left Derek...boo hoo...' Izzie like but of course I was on call.." Cristina said to Meredith as she ran up behind her in the parking lot. Meredith shifted her bag onto her other shoulder and stopped so her friend could catch up. "Yeah..he blew off our meeting yesterday and I just...couldn't handle it anymore..we're supposed to talk about it tonight." Cristina frowned not liking Derek's actions. "Izzie said he came to the door all mc-guilty last night. You look like crap by the way." Meredith rolled her eyes used to Cristina's ability to say whatever was on her mind. 

"Yeah, he looks like crap too. Me leaving really upset him apparently." Meredith replied as the two began to walk to their cars. "Well, he should be upset. After all you've had to go through these past few months...he should be balling his eyes out. This is the first time he's noticed you in months and it took you walking out for him to see it? Seriously? He's an ass." Meredith reached her SUV and opened the door. She nodded, knowing her friend was right. "I know, I'm not letting him off easy...I just don't know what to do yet." Cristina watched as her friend mulled over the possibilities in her head and then changed the subject completely. "How life been with Tyler having Preston away?" Burk was spending the month in Miami learning new techniques from a leading heart surgeon. Cristina made a face before replying, "He's been a tornado lately. I swear, that kid never gets tired. He's really missing his dad, he's been tantrum city this week and I called Burk earlier reminding him why I only want one child!" Meredith smiled knowing Cristina was never the mother type to begin with. No matter how much her friend tried to deny it, she had gone soft for the little boy who inherited his father's good looks.

"How did we get two kids who are so infatuated with our husbands? What happened to the whole ' I adore my mommy' faze...I liked that faze..." Meredith climbed into the car with a sign. "Who knows...I have to go pick him up at Soccer. Call me later, and don't let him feed you any crap!" Meredith shut the door, still not sure what she wanted to do. She had Ava to think of. The girl adored her father, but at the same time she didn't want her growing up disappointed with him either. 'I have to be strong...' She thought, but somehow she knew being strong wouldn't be easy.


	6. Chapter 6

Meredith walked into the house not even bothering to bring her bag in from the car. A tasty aroma wafted through the air causing her stomach to rumble in hunger. She had been to sick to her stomach to even think of food in the past few days. She assumed it was the mix of anxiety and sadness. Suddenly food sounded good as she heard Derek moving around in the kitchen. She walked in to find him deep into cooking. The table had been set and a bouquet of flowers sat in the center. She hadn't seen three places set in awhile...and it some how made her feel comforted.

"Oh," He said, turning around. "I didn't hear you come in!" His voice was cheerful and he seemed nothing like the sad broken man she had seen earlier. "What's all this?" She asked, trying to keep the annoyed sound out of her voice. "Well, in most cultures they call this dinner..." He smirked at her, and she replied with a small smile that faded quickly. "I know what dinner is, I'm just shocked you still know your way around the kitchen.." Derek chuckled turning back to the stove. He noticed the snappish way she was speaking to him, but tried to shrug it off knowing she was still mad at him. She watched as he emptied the pasta with crab sauce into a large bowl. "I know we haven't eaten together in a few days, so I wanted to make you dinner..."

Meredith thought his words over for a second before moving to sit down at the small table. "Days Derek? Seriously? Try weeks." He sighed, knowing it was not going to be easy to get back into her good graces. Her served her some pasta and then kissed her on the far head before replying..."I know, and I'm sorry. I don't want to fight, I want you to enjoy a good meal. You look exhausted." She made no motion to move and he got the hint and went to sit down beside her.

Noticing the hurt look on his face she picked at her food and took a few bites to please him. He stared at her and she did so and she did everything in her power to avoid his gaze. Finally she lost the battle and looked up at him and was instantly lost in his blue eyes. They were mixed with emotions and she had to turn away so not stare at them forever. "This is great pasta...thank you" She said, barely looking at him. He nodded and they both finished their meal in an awkward silence.

Derek kept quiet until he couldn't take it any more. "We really need to talk Meredith. I know I've been a real jerk lately, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you or Ava." She listened to his words, but couldn't get past the hurt she had felt in the past few weeks. "You were more than a jerk Derek. What concerns me is that it took me leaving for you to even notice. Is that what lengths I have to go to to get some attention?" All the emotions were coming back to her now as she stood up from the table and brought her plate over to the sink. Derek followed her cautiously, not wanting to make her angry. "I don't want your apologies or excuses, I want a reason. I want to know what made you choose your job over your wife and daughter. Is our marriage that unfulfilling that you need to spend all your time at the hospital?"

Derek cringed fearing this question. Their marriage was anything but boring and he was happy, but he really wasn't even sure of the answer. "I...I don't even know what to tell you because I don't know even know." Derek watched her features as she processed the information. "I just...feel like something is missing at work. I came here to be chief, and I've excepted the fact that I wont be. But, I didn't reach my goal...and that bugs me. I wouldn't trade you or Ava for the world...but I just feel like I could do so much more at the hospital." He was praying she would understand, but he knew just by looking at her hurt face that she didn't.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she tried to hold them back. "Is that why you accepted a job in LA? Without even talking to me...you were just going to up and leave us?" Derek's eyes grew wide shocked at the fact that she knew about the job offer. Derek shook his head worry sinking in. He moved to be closer to her. "No Meredith, I never accepted it...I could never leave you like that..."

A few tears escaped down her cheeks and she looked devastated. "But...you thought about it?" Her voice was soft and barely above a whisper. He couldn't stand to see her so upset. "I saw the contract you signed on your desk...you know while I was waiting for you to show up..." She was getting angry again, releasing her built up frustrations. "I don't get it Derek...I just don't. I've been nothing but supportive of you. I've given you a beautiful daughter and let you in even when I want to push you away and it's still not enough for you..." He listened as she ranted knowing better than to interrupt her.

"I don't even know what you want anymore Derek! Is a chief position, alone in LA better than being hear with your family?" Derek bridged that gap between them and moved to put his hand on her arm. "No Meredith. That's not it at all. I was going to talk to you about it, had I accepted it. But, I wanted to really think about it before I got you all worked up. I did think about it, seriously for a little...but with the intention of taking you and Ava with me. I would never have gone alone!" Meredith shot him a glare and stomped into the living room. He followed her like a lost puppy watching as she angrily picked up Ava's toys.

"So why did you turn it down Derek? Is it because you knew I wouldn't move there? You knew damn well I wouldn't pick up everything and leave Seattle at a moments notice. This is something people talk about...it doesn't get kept hidden under the rug. This is just one more thing that you can resent me and Ava for. Once again you don't get to be chief because your family holds you back!" She was almost yelling now and he was getting annoyed with her tone of voice. She wasn't even hearing him out...just yelling and he wasn't sure what else to say to make it better.

"Just tell me Derek what I have to do to make you happy...for you to notice me?" She threw one of Ava's doll's at the wall watching as it's head smashed into the burgundy paint. Derek was shocked to see her angry and would have found it some what comical if it wasn't directed at him. "No wonder Addison slept with your best friend. Jesus, I never could get her motives until now. It was just her way of being noticed! I'm not her! I wont wait ten years...and I wont go sleeping with someone just for attention!" Meredith knew she had hit a nerve. They never talked about Addison or Mark in that way anymore and the past usually stayed in the past. But for some reason Meredith had said it anyway. She could see anger flash in his eyes.

"Don't bring Addison into this Meredith. That's a really horrible thing for you to say. Don't you dare compare our marriage to that. I know you're not her, and I don't want you to be. I'm trying here Meredith. I don't know what else to say. I didn't try with Addison. But, I'm trying with you...doesn't that mean anything?" Derek had raised her voice to match hers and it took Meredith by surprise. He still didn't get how bad he had already messed things up. She was getting frustrated waiting for him to come to the conclusion on his own. She sat down on the dark sofa in a huff and buried her head in her hands. "Honestly, at this point I don't know what you can do to fix this...I'm not even sure how much I trust you anymore."

Realizing how upset she looked he keeled down to sit in front of her and pulled her into his lap. He comforted her like he had held Ava a few nights before and was glad she was letting him do so. "I know.." He soothed softly. "And I promise...not matter what I will fix this. Last night...I was so scared. I don't ever want to loose you."  
She was crying now...finally allowing him to see how broken she really was. She wanted to stay there forever and let him hold her, but she knew she had to stay strong.

After a few minutes she wiped the tears from her eyes and pulled away to face him. "I want to fix this...but we can't do it if you are doubting things..you need to be 100 percent in this family...and you're not." Meredith hesitated and he went to speak again but she covered his lips with her finger. "I love you, and I think we can make it through this, but in order to do that...I think we need some time apart."

Derek's heart stopped at her words. He wasn't even sure he had heard her right. "Meredith?" He managed to get out...he begged her to look at him and when she did he saw pure hurt in them. "What does this mean? What are you saying...?" He was visibly shaken...and Meredith suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over her. "I just...think we need time apart. We both need to think and we can't do that if all we do is fight. We need to figure out what to do...alone." He was frantic now...and tried to pull her into his lap again but she moved away. "You...you want to be separated?" He could barely get the last word out and she hated seeing him so broken.

"Nothing official...Derek...just some time apart." He seemed to not even hear her as he shook his head. "No...we don't need to be apart, we need to be here working this out together. I love you...we can't get separated." He was begging and she tried her best not to give into him. She had never seen him so desperate. "No Derek...I'm sorry..but this is the only way I can think to fix this. You need to figure out what you want...and where your priorities are...and I can't do that for you..." She stood up and stood over him, struggling to keep from breaking down in tears.

"I'm going to pack some things for me and Ava...we'll stay at Izzie's. Realization finally dawned on him that she was serious and he got up in a rush to stop her. He stopped her before she could reach the stairs. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and she hated that she was doing this to him. "Meredith...you need to know that I am against this...but...if this is what it takes to fix this I'll do it. If this is what it takes to prove to you I am still in this marriage then I will do it." He softly grabbed her arms and pulled her into a deep hug. She wrapped her arms around him taking in his scent. "You shouldn't leave. I'll go...and stay at the trailer." He choked out, instantly thinking of his daughter. "She deserves to be happy...I don't want her to remember this ten years from now, I don't want her thinking this is a big deal.."

Meredith's heart melted at his concern for their daughter. This is why she fell in love with him, and she hoped he understood that this is why she had to do this as well. He pulled out of the hug and wiped the tears from his eyes. "We'll make it through this. I promise." His words were raspy and almost a whisper. She instantly missed the feel of his strong arms around her. She leaned in to kiss him on the lips softly at first, and then slowly he slid his tongue in her mouth and allowed the kiss to deepen. It felt so good that neither wanted to stop but he pulled away and looked at her one last time. "I love you, please don't forget that.." His voice died out as he made his way up the steps to pack some things.

She called Cristina later that night from the balcony off of their master bedroom. No one answered, and she hung up the phone feeling more alone than ever before. The trailer stood less than 200 feet away from the house. She could see it perfectly from her position on the balcony. The lights were still on and she could see the dim outline of Derek sitting on the porch. They had kept it, even after they had built their dream house on the land. Derek knew it would be useful for fishing, and Meredith wasn't ready to party with the memories it held. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she watched his dim silhouette in the moonlight. She knew he was most likely sitting there watching the house. A hotel would have been more comfortable but was out of the question. He had to be close, he had to stay connected to his family. The unknown fate of their marriage rested in his hands...and she started off across the land wondering how it would all end up.

It had been three days since Derek started sleeping at the trailer. Though it was on the same property...and she could almost see through his window, Meredith found herself missing him terribly. She trudged into her second surgery of the day painfully exhausted. She had been sick, really sick since the day before but had somehow managed to stay standing. 

"You fool...what are you doing here? I told you to go home hours ago." Meredith stared down at the small, but intimidating woman that used to be her resident. Though Miranda Bailey was no longer in charge of her, she still had the ability to strike fear into Meredith. "I'm fine...really..I don't need to go home.." Meredith really didn't have the energy to put up a real fight. She frowned as the older woman stripped off her glove and felt her far head like a child. "You are burning up! How long have you been sick and what have you been eating?" Meredith threw away her gloves and gown knowing she would not be scrubbing in today.

"A few days...and I really can't hold food down to eat much.." Bailey's eyes widened and she began to re-scrub in. "Grey get your ass out of this hospital and home...there is no way you are getting in my OR. Go, before I call your husband." Meredith nodded, and left the room in a huff not wanting to get Derek involved.

The sun had just begun to set creating a pink shimmer over the small lake on Derek's land. He pulled up in front of the trailer and got out to see Izzie's car pull up in front of the house. He wasn't surprised to see her, Meredith's friends had been frequent flyers at the house since he had been gone. He was glad they were supporting her. It kept him from worrying about her so much, knowing she was in good hands.

They weren't being super friendly to him, especially Cristina, but he had expected that. He was about to turn and walk into his trailer when a shrieking made him stop. "Daaaaadddyyyy" He heard as he watched Ava sprint towards him. Her little legs propelled her through the uncut grass. He laughed at her tangled hair tucked into her pink Yankees hat. Mark had given it to her for her birthday wanting her to "learn her roots." It was a great gift coming from Mark, and it reminded Derek of New York. Izzie stood at the car making sure Ava made it safely.

Derek wrapped her into a giant hug and spun her around. He had been at the house a lot, trying to make it easier on Ava. They had told the girl that "Daddy was staying at the trailer so he could fix it up." So far, Ava hadn't seemed effected by it. He felt guilty, realizing that she probably saw it as no different than before...since he was always at the hospital. Izzie began to walk towards Derek and he went to meet her half way. Izzie had been the nicest to him lately, and he appreciated that.

"I told Mer I'd bring Ava home...she wasn't feeling well at work so she came home early." Derek nodded, thanking Izzie for being there. "I'm shocked you don't have all your wedding plans to do...your big day is coming up!" "8 days!" She replied, a little too loudly, trust me, I've been ready forever. Don't forget...you're still a groomsmen!" Derek smiled, knowing Izzie would never let him forget such a thing.

It was getting dark, and Izzie left Ava alone with Derek. "Mommy's very sick daddy..she needs soup..." Ava stroked his cheeks running her hands along his scratchy stubble. He was slightly concerned knowing it would usually take Meredith an army to admit she was too sick to work.

"You know what princess, that's a great idea." Derek carried her into the house and set her down allowing her to find her mother.


	7. Chapter 7

Derek carried Ava into the house and set her down so she could run and find her mother. He had been careful not to smother Meredith, and give her the space they both needed. He had been showing her in small ways that he was doing his best like sending her good morning texts and watching over Ava as much as possible. He wanted to do so much more, but knew it was a fine line between caring and hovering.

Ava came back down the steps with a frown on her face and met Derek in the foyer. "Mommy's sad. She wont even wake up..not even when I crawled in..." Derek frowned, slightly worried and almost fell over as Ava latched onto his left leg. "Ava, why don't you go put in your Ariel movie and I'll go check on mommy so we can make soup." Ava took up running into the family room happy for the chance to watch her favorite video. Derek waited until he heard the familiar music playing before walking up to check on Meredith.

It felt weird for him to walk into their bedroom. He felt almost out of place now, even though it still was part his. It was dark and quiet and he was concerned until he heard Meredith's soft snores. He sighed, never thinking he'd miss those. He couldn't fall asleep lately, not being able to stand the deathly silence of the trailer.

Creeping over to the bed he flicked on the lamp and smiled at her sleeping form. She was curled onto her side, the blankets that were tucked around her had fallen over the edge of the bed. He leaned in to swipe a few strands of hair out of her face. She didn't even stir as his hand stroked her cheek. Her face was flushed and burning up. He missed her. More than he ever thought he could. He was tempted just to stay and watch her sleep, but knew he should go downstairs with Ava. He was going to wake Meredith up, but decided she needed sleep, and turned off the light as he walked out.

Meredith woke up later groggy and confused. She barely felt her body move as she ran for the bathroom and emptied what little she had in her stomach. It was painful and her throat burned as she dry heaved into the toilet. She leaned back against the wall, dizzy and wondering what Izzie had done with her daughter. She felt guilty for sleeping so long. The stairs made no noise at all as her light body crept down. She could struggled to keep her balance and she walked into the kitchen surprised to see Derek and Ava eating dinner.

Derek turned to see Meredith and Ava smiled excited to see her mother. He was shocked at her appearance. Her hair was in a messy pony tale and her eyes were blood shot. He could tell she was leaning against the wall to stay up and without even thinking he went to her and offered his arms for support. "How are you feeling?" He asked concered. She wanted to say fine. But something in his worried eyes let her tell the truth. "Not...not good. I can't hold anything down.." Derek's eyes softened at her raspy voice. "Mommy! You'll feel better! Me and Daddy made you soup!!" Ava said happily. Meredith managed a smile for her daughter's sake and looked at Derek surprised.

"Yes, we did, but I think mommy wants to go back to bed, so she can have some tomorrow..." Ava seemed content with this and dug back into her pizza. "You really should go back to bed. I'll stay with Ava..I don't have to be back at the hospital till tomorrow." Derek was surprised at Meredith's lack of stubbornness and she succumbed to his offer and went to kiss Ava goodnight. She thanked him with a semi-smile before walking away.

After Ava had suckered him into watching The Little Mermaid twice and reading Cinderella three times, he was finally able to get her to sleep. He couldn't help but check in on Meredith before he left. She was in much the same position as he had found her earlier, but this time she was not asleep. He had heard the toilet flush several times while he was downstairs and it had taken all his will power not to run up and check on her.

Her eyes watched him hesitate before walking over to the bed. "I'm freezing Derek" Her voice surprised him and his heart almost broke not used to Meredith being sick. Before she knew it he was at her side feeling her far head much like Bailey had done earlier that day. He was shocked at how much warmer she was than earlier and couldn't keep the concern out of his voice any longer. "Meredith, I'm worried...if this doesn't get better we're going to have to get it checked out." She couldn't even think to reply, all she could think of were his soft hands against her skin.

She missed the feel of them and suddenly she felt more connected to him than she had in the past year. She could tell he was deep in though, and then his warm hands were gone and she instantly missed them. The bed shifted under his weight as he crawled in beside her and pulled her into a tight embrace wrapping the blanket around both of them. "Is this ok?" He was afraid to ask for fear she would pull away. But, he couldn't see himself leaving her like this. "Yes...please stay.." He could tell she was scared but trying well to hide it from him. His arms warmed her up instantly and soon she was asleep her snores the only sound in the room. He wasn't bothered by them, as he allowed himself to drift off to sleep. It was a step...and though it was a small step...it was perfect.

Giggles of joy could be heard echoing out of the backyard the next morning as Meredith crept down the stairs following the commotion that had woken her up. She slid open the door and stood out of sight and watched the scene in front of her. "Alright Princess. Now remember...this is out little secret..." Ava giggled and promised as Derek piled scoop after scoop of ice cream onto her pancakes. Ava followed his lead dumping sprinkles on top and then drowning it in a pool of chocolate syrup. 

The girl clapped in delight and dug into her treat not even giving Derek time to cut it up. Meredith cleared her throat and stepped out onto the deck watching as two eyes stopped dead in their tracks and looked at her with guilt ridden faces. Ava's face was covered in chocolate and her mouth was full...barely able to make out a muffled "uh oh..." Derek didn't say anything as she sat down beside him. "Uh...Meredith, you're up..how are you feeling?" He stumbled over his words trying his best to gauge her reaction while changing the subject entirely.

She arched her eye brows at him and shoved the stack of pancakes out of her sight. "I still don't want to ever look at food again...but I feel a lot better than last night." Derek sighed, glad she was getting better but looked down afraid he was going to get yelled at. "ice cream for breakfast Derek?" She tried to maintain a strictness to her voice, but she couldn't help but smile as she watched Ava stuff her face full of ice cream. She was tempted just to let her daughter jump in the swimming pool, knowing it was going to be hell to clean up.

He breathed a sigh of relief realizing she wasn't mad and went to explain himself. He was never one to indulge in sweets and he certainly never supported Meredith's love for junk food. "I missed her birthday...I just want to make it up to her...I mean I know I can't...but I can at least try.." He was now staring at his daughter with pure adoration and she couldn't help but fall in love all over again when he saw him look at her that way. "Derek...I know you want to fix this...and make it all right. But please don't spoil her..it wont fix it and it really wont score any points with me. Just you being here...is enough for her." Derek turned to her, his expression unreadable. "I'm not trying to buy her love or anything..I just want her to be happy." His voice had taken on a more serious tone and Meredith realized her comment had come out wrong. "Derek I didn't mean..." She watched him, his face gearing up for battle and she stopped talking realizing the last thing she wanted to do was fight, especially after the night they spent wrapped in each others arms.

"It's ok. This is alright, just...don't make a habit of it." He nodded, surprised she had given up so easily. "I wanted to talk to you last night, but you were too sick." He said, taking a bite out of his apple. "My mom is upset she missed Ava's birthday and wants us to come there to celebrate. I told her...that you'd probably have to work. I know with the wedding coming up it would be hard for both of us to get off..." Meredith eyed him, worry flashed across her features. "Does she...Did you...?" She couldn't even get the words out she was so nervous but Derek knew what she meant and finished for her. "No, she has no idea we're...whatever. And...she wont know because as far as I'm concerned this is not long term and therefor no one will have to know.." Derek was serious and Meredith only hoped he meant it.

"Anyway,I was wondering if I could just take Ava to New York for a few days. I mean...I know I screwed up...and I can understand if you don't want me to. But, I really would like to spend the time with her." He was nervous and almost rambling...which was not him at all. Meredith smiled, kind of upset that Derek was so scared she would say no. "Of course you can take her. I would never keep you away from her Derek..and your mom will be there so I know she wont be eating ice cream every day or bringing home half of FAO Schwartz." Derek smiled, glad it had gone over so well. He knew she would understand, but lately her moods had been so shaky that he wasn't sure of anything. "Good, I'll book the tickets for tonight...so I'll come get her after my 5:00 surgery. If you get sicker I want you to get it checked out. This isn't healthy...you need to eat." He was in worried Derek mode and surprisingly it didn't annoy her because worried Derek was better than absent Derek who never came home long enough to know if she was sick.

"I know...and I will I promise. I can't believe you are actually taking time off. Last Christmas I had to fend the Shepherds by myself." Derek frowned at the memory. He had missed Christmas with his family because of a VIP case that came in last minute. His whole family had come to Seattle leaving Meredith in a panicked frenzy...and he had gone to the hospital, without a thought in his mind. He sighed...realizing how stupid he had been and suddenly feeling grateful that Meredith hadn't kicked him to the curb then and there. But no, she had stuck by him and rode it out. She really was perfect, and he realized for the first time that it wasn't his actions lately...but all along that had created this rift in their marriage. He had no idea what time it was and his beeper went off shaking him out of his reverie.

He got up and whispered into her ear causing shivers to run up her spine. "I told you...I'll do whatever it takes.." He lingered there for a minute, taking the time to take in her scent and then walked over to Ava and planted a big sloppy kiss on her messy face. "Be good for mommy and take care of her! I'll see you later!" Meredith watched as he walked off...still not sure what it all meant...but smiling for the first time in awhile.

The next day 

"Meredith...are you sure you're not pregnant?" Meredith glared at her friend before leaning into the toilet to be sick again. She flushed when she was finished and went to the sink to brush her teeth. "It's just the flu or something...it'll pass, I'm getting better..." Cristina rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well I had the flu too...and we see how that ended up..." She commented in her usual dry humor. "Well unless I'm the virgin mother it's pretty impossible to be pregnant because Derek and I haven't had sex in two months..no..there is no way it's that..." Meredith ended her sentence abruptly and appeared to be deep in thought.

"Meredith?" Cristina asked, knowing they were already late for their shift...and trying to urge her friend along. Meredith looked at her with worry etched across her features. "Well...my cycle has been really off lately...but I've been so stressed with Derek and all that I just...didn't even think about it..."

Meredith's eyes grew wide and Cristina smirked as the light bulb went off in her friends head. "Last time we had sex...we weren't exactly careful.." Meredith thought back to the memory and cringed at her lack of precautions. Derek had come home unexpectedly after a horrible day of failed surgeries. He walked in to find Meredith in the shower and in an instant he was tearing off his clothes and stepping in with her. He was angry and upset and she could see fire burning in his eyes. Meredith didn't protest as his hands roamed her body and finally stopped their journey in her warm folds. It was the first time he had initiated sex in months and she wasn't about to stop it now. They were both too preoccupied to worry about a condom, and Meredith let him enter her over and over, happy that her husband was paying attention to her.

Meredith shook out of her reverie shaking her head. "Oh god...I'm pregnant...what if I'm pregnant?" She began pacing the small locker room bathroom before finally freaking out and sliding down against the wall to the floor. Cristina found the situation kind of funny but kept her laughter inside knowing it wasn't the best time. "Well, let's run your labs after your first surgery. Then we'll know for sure." Meredith didn't even look up at her as she stood up and began pacing again. "Cristina, I could be pregnant...what am I going to do...I can't handle this right now."

Cristina thought about comforting her friend but opted for simple force. "Meredith Grey...!" Cristina shouted not even bothering to put Shepherd at the end. "We are late. Don't freak out till we know...get your ass out of this bathroom!" Meredith looked at her startled by the outburst but got up and followed her out of the bathroom anyway. It was going to be a long day.


	8. Chapter 8

Derek sat at his mother's enormous dining room table feeling as if he were under a microscope. He was used to his large over baring family and in most cases would argue he wouldn't have it any other way. But for some reason, on this trip they were purposely trying to be as nagging as humanly possible. The second his sisters had arrived they had been like wolves attacking him with constant questions about Meredith. His oldest sisters, Kathy, and Nancy and their families were the only ones there but of course...being the oldest they were always the most protective of him.

Tonight, it was like they had a sixth sense, they could tell something was off and were waiting for their time to pounce. His mother was being the worst of all and as ten pairs of eyes sat watching him, reading him, he felt antsy. He was glad Meredith hadn't been able to come, for they surely would have noticed the tension immediately.

The day had been great with his mother. As her only grandmother Ava loved spending time with her and currently, out of the 15 children in the Shepherd clan, Ava was the youngest which meant twice the attention. Derek's mother secretly adored the girl as one of her favorites because it was her only son's child whom she had waited so long for.

Derek made the mistake of hesitating slightly when asked by Nancy how him and Meredith were doing and his sisters noticed within seconds. Like wolves they pounced on him with his mother leading the pack. "You don't seem too sure, is everything ok at home Derek..." Nancy asked, unable to keep the condescending tone out of her voice. Out of his family Nancy liked Meredith the least. She tolerated the woman who made her brother happy, but was closest with Addison and still couldn't move past Derek and Addison's divorce.

Before he could reply, Ava jumped into the conversation having been following it from the beginning. The young girl was too smart for her own good and because she spent so much time with adults, she had a knack for understanding conversation. "No, things are not ok because Daddy's trailer house is broken so he sleeps there every night so he can fix it...and mommy gets sad when her and daddy yell so I make her feel better..." His mother's fork dropped onto her plate causing a loud clank in the room and suddenly everyone was quiet and watching Derek. Ava noticed the difference and just started at her dad confused wondering what she had done wrong.

Derek tried to laugh it off, but knew that they knew his daughter too well. She never told tales and hardly ever got information wrong. She was a sponge...who absorbed everything and most of the time everyone used it to their advantage to get information out of her. "Derek, are you and Meredith separated?" His mother's voice was worried but sharp and harsh thinking it was just one more thing he had failed to tell his family. "Uncle Derek are you getting divorced!? Cool, Ava that means you get two Christmas's!" Nancy's ten year old son shouted from the other end of the table causing Nancy's husband to send him an evil look shushing him. Ava just laughed not understanding, but curious as to what divorce meant. "Daddy, What's daworce mean?" She asked, turning to her father who was now staring back at his family not sure what to do.

Nancy and Kathy began talking about Meredith quietly but he could still hear their snide remarks. "I bet she found a new attending to screw with...I knew she was a gold digger..." The kids at the end of the table were arguing over divorce and going on and on about Christmas's and two birthday parties. "Daddy, what's it mean!?" Ava whined trying to be noticed through all the chaos. His mother was trying to talk to him now in her "mom" voice not at all happy with her son's lack of information. Derek was getting more frustrated by the minute and Nancy's next words about the fact that he had not had a prenuptial agreement drawn up sent him over the edge. "Daddy...Daddy tell me!" Ava persisted tugging on his shirt and suddenly his anger boiled over and he screamed, "Not now Ava!" not meaning to take it out on her, but too frustrated to keep his voice low.

The room grew silent again and everyone watched him in shock. He regretted his tempter as Ava just looked at him stunned that he had yelled at her. He never yelled at her, unless she was really doing something wrong which usually was never the case. The girl was shocked at first, and then her face turned to anguish and she began to sob loudly. His heart broke and he quickly pulled the girl into his lap but she shied away from him and tried to get down. "I want mommy!" She sobbed causing everyone in the room to glare at Derek. She kicked and wiggled until he let her down and she ran out of the room still crying. Standing up from the table he looked at his mother who was also standing up to go after Ava. "No mom, I'll get her." He wouldn't look at the rest of his family and anger still ran through him. "We'll talk about this later...divorce is not something I want my 4 year old to know or worry about..." He snapped walking out of the room disgusted with himself and his family.

Later that night, Meredith shook, her stomach suddenly a ball of anxiety. The test results sat in her lap unopened staring back at her. She wanted to read it...but she was too afraid to look. Under any other circumstances being pregnant would have thrilled her. Her and Derek had always wanted more children. But now, with Derek questioning his priorities and them trying to work out their marriage...it certainly was not the best time.

"Meredith...you have to look sometime..." Cristina said but Meredith refused and just stared down at the paper in her hands. Sighing loudly getting frustrated Cristina grabbed the paper out of her hands and scanned the results. "Well Meredith, it looks like you don't have the flu after all...at least now you don't have to worry about safe sex for awhile.." Meredith looked at her stunned. She sank back against the wall and buried her head in her hands. "I'm pregnant...really, really pregnant...?" Cristina rolled her eyes and sat down next to her friends handing her the test results. "I...what...what do I do?? I can't do this...I can't tell Derek...the timing is all off." Cristina stopped her rambling and put a hand on her arm.

"Meredith...calm down. You do what we all do. You tell your jerk of a husband...he gets all giddy and daddy crazy like he did when you were pregnant with Ava and you live happily ever after." Meredith shook her head still in shock and not looking at the test results. "No...I don't want him coming back to his family because he feels obligated. If I tell him now...this will just be an obligation to him and I'll never know if he really is fighting for us." Cristina understood, but didn't really know what other options she had. "Well, what are you going to do...you can't just not tell him? I think he'll notice eventually..." Meredith was off in her own world thinking again and in an instant she turned to Cristina and got up. "I don't know...I'm going to talk to Addison and then go from there..." Cristina frowned, not knowing what else to do for her friend. She watched as she walked out of the room and sighed, wondering how this was going to play out.

Later after everyone had left, Derek found his mother in the kitchen sipping tea. The large, old, house on Long Island was silent and all he could hear was the ticking of the huge grandfather clock in the living room. It had taken him hours to get Ava calmed down. He had even called Meredith so that the girl could hear her familiar voice, but she didn't answer. He laid with her until she fell asleep, kicking himself for his stupid temper. He was frustrated with his sisters and his mother, but knew he should be more open with them about his life.

His mother met his gaze as he sat down but went back to her tea and book. He sighed before he sat down not even sure where to begin. "I'm sorry about earlier mom. I didn't mean to yell, but we're trying not to make this a big deal for Ava..." His mother was silent for a moment and then pushed a plate of cookies in front of him. "I know you have a temper Derek. You have since the day you were born. What I'm mad about is the fact that you keep me and your sisters completely out of your life. If you had told us the situation, or at least me, from the beginning...this wouldn't of happened."

"How did this happen? I was there for Christmas...and everything seemed fine." Derek frowned, knowing his mother was not going to be happy with what he said. "Did she do something to make you move out? I know Meredith would never cheat...so this has to be a misunderstanding.." "No, mom. It's nothing like that. It's me. I did this." His mother looked at him shocked not really understanding what was going on. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed, not knowing what to say anymore.

" Things were fine. Or at least..I thought they were..." Slowly he told the story to his mother like he had to Mark. Once he began, he found it too hard to stop and he just let it pour out of him. It seemed like hours had gone by when he finally finished. His mother wanted to comfort her son, she wanted to hold him in her arms like she did when he was little, but had no idea how to comfort him now. "Derek...please don't beat yourself up over this. You're trying, she knows that. She's a reasonable woman. You even said yourself that the past two days had been better."

"But, what if it's not enough? What if...over the past year she stopped loving me?" His mother took his hand in hers and comforted him as best she could. "Derek...stop it. You know she still loves you. If she stopped...she wouldn't have asked you to leave. She would have gone and found someone else or just...left all together. People who love each other fight. That's what they do. She's fighting and now you have too as well." Derek listened to his mother's words, suddenly feeling comforted from her warm voice.

"Hey Meredith...it's me. I just wanted to check in and see how you were feeling...Ava had a rough night...she misses you, but we can talk about it tomorrow I guess..." 

Meredith clicked the delete button on Derek's message. Tossing her phone into her bag she took the elevator to the top floor of Addison's apartment building and knocked on the door once she reached her destination. The red head opened the door within seconds knowing she was coming. She was in a pair of red silk pajamas and her hair was till wet from the shower. It made Meredith feel better about her own less than stellar appearance.

Addison welcomed her inside and they moved into the same living room Derek had woken up in almost a week before. Addison had been careful not to "pick sides" in the situation, knowing that she felt equally as loyal to both Meredith and Derek. She talked to both of them giving advice, but never betraying the others confidence which was a wonderful accomplishment since she knew the two were the most stubborn people on earth. She felt for Meredith in this situation though, knowing from experience how it feels to be having marriage troubles. She could relate to Meredith's feelings towards Derek and felt a bond with the younger woman.

"What happened?" She asked, knowing Meredith would not have called her in the middle of the night for simple small talk. Meredith sighed, her face hardly showing any emotion. She was in shock and too stunned to even make sense of the fact that she was pregnant. "I'm...I'm pregnant Addison..." Meredith replied not even looking at her. She opened her mouth to say more but it just never came out.

Addison sat back against the sofa, a look of confusion on her face. She was waiting to heat Derek's latest idiotic episode or that he was smothering her like crazy...but Meredith telling her she was pregnant had completely blown her away. "You're pregnant...?" She didn't answer...and just kept staring off into space. "Wow, ok...that should be a good thing right? Oh, how did Derek take the news? I don't think Mark knows yet..." Addison rambled on with her questions realizing too late that Meredith was not happy with the situation. The questions had overwhelmed her and Meredith looked at Addison like a frightened child.

"No...no. We're taking time apart. This is not a good time for a baby. Once I tell him...he'll feel obligated to stay with me. I can't...I don't want that." Meredith grew upset as the words left her mouth and suddenly she began to cry. The tears were silent at first, but they soon turned to hysterical sobs as her whole body began to shake. All the emotions from the day had caught up to her. Addison stared at the shaking form of her friend not sure what to do. She had never seen her so upset. Acting on pure instinct she wrapped her arms around her and let Meredith's sobs echo through the room.

Once the tears had subsided, Meredith awkwardly pulled from her grasp and regained her composure, even if it was purely for show. "I'm sorry I came here so late...I just...didn't know what else to do." Addison smiled. "No it's ok. I'm glad you thought to confide in me." She assured her. "I can't tell him Addison...not now anyway. He doesn't know what he wants...and this will just throw a huge wrench into it all." "Meredith..he does know what he wants, he's just going about it wrong. He would love another child. You know that. He adores Ava. Meredith shook her head trying not to cry again. "Yes he does, but there's still that part of him that wonders what life would have been like without her...if he had been chief. He practically admitted it to me." "Well...maybe this baby is just what you guys need to fix things. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise." Meredith looked at her shocked and Addison knew instantly she had said the wrong thing.

"That's just it Addison...I don't want to use this baby as a patch to fix this marriage...only to have it all blow up 4 years from now. It wasn't fair when my parents did it to me and it's wont be fair for me to do it to this baby. What...what do I do?" Addison sighed, not knowing what to say to calm her down. "Well, right now I'd say the only thing to really do is to tell him about the baby and then go from there. I mean unless...you don't want this baby.." Addison said it half sarcastically thinking Meredith would yell at her for even thinking something like that. Instead, her friend sat silently, pondering what Addison had said. Addison arched her eyes brows. "Meredith...?" She said sternly, trying to figure out what her friend was thinking.

"I don't know what I want. I just don't. How can I have this baby knowing Derek could resent it..." Addison went to give an outraged reply, but thought better of it not wanting to scare Meredith away. She knew her friend was thinking irrationally and didn't want her to do anything crazy. She knew Derek, she knew he would never think that of a child, she knew he loved her, everyone did...why couldn't Meredith see it? "Meredith...I think you're just upset and confused. He loved you. I know he does. Just promise me you wont make any rash decisions until you talk to him...or at least take the time to figure out what you want to do. We both know Derek, don't do something..." Addison stopped...not being able to say the word abortion without choking up and replaced it with something. "Don't do something like this without telling him...he'll never forgive you." Tears began to glide down Meredith's cheeks again and she sat silently, not even looking at Addison.

Addison knew Meredith would never even consider abortion under normal circumstances, but this wasn't Meredith. She had been through so much lately that she wasn't thinking straight at all and Addison was worried. "Listen, why don't we do an ultra sound tomorrow? We can see how far along you are...and then go from there." Meredith looked at her, nodding shakily before standing up and heading for the door.


	9. Chapter 9

Just an Important P.S! This story...starts in the future and goes off of everything up until the ferry accident. The accident happened and they worked through their problems in a painfully slow manner. So in my world...Addison CAN HAVE CHILDREN, Derek did NOT flirt with her sister, and Burk and Cristina did end up getting married.

Addison squirted the cool jelly expertly over Meredith's still flat stomach causing her to flinch. In the 4 years since Ava was born she had forgotten just how cold the jelly could be. "Alright Meredith, just give me a second and we'll be ready." It was almost 8 PM and they were alone in the room having chosen to do it so late so they could fly under the radar of the hospital gossip. Having Derek find out she was pregnant from some nosy nurse was the last thing Meredith needed. Addison had had enough trouble keeping their conversation the night before from Mark. He was concerned and begged her to tell him why Meredith had been over so late. He even pulled the "Derek's my best friend so I deserve to know for his sake!" card. Addison felt bad and told him it was just "girl stuff" knowing he would feel obligated to tell Derek if she told him his wife was pregnant and thinking about aborting their baby without telling him. It sounded silly even in her mind and she really hoped seeing the baby would get Meredith thinking clearly.

"Isn't it a little early for this? We could do it next week...yeah after Izzie's wedding is done and over with...that would be better..." Meredith went on sitting up on the table. Addison smirked and sternly pushed her back down. She wasn't going to let her make any mistakes. After Meredith had calmed down the night before Addison had confessed to Meredith that she had aborted Mark's baby all those years ago. She had never told anyone but Callie that, not even Derek and Meredith was stunned at her admission. Meredith felt bad and Addison shrugged it off not wanting to dredge up the past, but knowing that she could keep Meredith from making the same error in judgment. Her and Mark had both moved on and gotten over that betrayal, but after it took her so long to get pregnant with Peyton, it was hard to believe she had given away what could have been her only chance at being a mother.

"Nope, we're doing this today!" Addison said forcefully pushing her back down and moving the device over Meredith's abdomen searching for the right spot. Suddenly, and before Meredith was prepared for it a small heartbeat echoed through the room making a clear whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, sound. Addison smiled as the black and white image filled the screen.

"Alright, here's baby Grey-Shepherd.." Addison moved the wand around checking for size, and pointing out things. "Here's it's stubs that will be arms...and there is the head..this is really early...so we wont really get a clear picture" Meredith lay there staring at the screen in awe. She had been much further along in her pregnancy when she saw Ava for the first time and then the fear of being a mother overtook the feelings of joy. She was speechless and Addison went on not really able to read the look on Meredith's face. "Everything looks good. It has a strong heartbeat and I don't see any abnormalities so far. You're about 6 weeks along from what I can tell."

Addison looked at Addison for the first time and smiled. It surprised her, to smile, but suddenly she couldn't stop. A warm feeling washed over her and she instantly felt connected to the tiny fetus growing inside of her. "Oh my god...that's it...that's my baby.." It hadn't been real up until this point. Yesterday she could avoid and pretend she wasn't pregnant and today it was real. She was having a baby. It scared her, but all she could imagine were images of another Ava or little Derek running around and her heart raced.

"Do you want me to print a picture? It doesn't look like much, but you can make out the outline." Meredith nodded her gaze turned to her stomach admiring her hand that was grazing over her soon to be baby bump. "Yes...yes I'd like that." Until now she didn't think it was even possible to love something as much as she loved Ava. All of her worried faded away as she sat bonding with her developing child. "How could I have thought of not having this baby?" She was upset now, and Addison smiled at her knowing that the ultra sound was just what she needed. "Meredith, you didn't think... that was the problem."

Meredith nodded, agreeing with her and pulling her shirt back over her stomach. "I'll tell Derek...I will. When the time is right..." Addison arched her eye brow in a motherly way and Meredith shot her a glaring look back. "I will! I refuse to tell him over the phone...and he's in New York right now...so it'll have to wait till he gets back." "Well, don't wait too long, he's a brain surgeon, he's bound to figure it out..the minute he sees you not drinking at the wedding he'll be suspicious...just like he was with Ava at my wedding..." Meredith smiled remembering Addison's wedding.

She had found out she was pregnant just the day before and had wanted to surprise Derek. She had it all planned for the day after the wedding and was sure he was going to be ecstatic. They hadn't really talked about children, and they had only been married a year, but it felt right and she was already in love with the idea.

Her plan came to a halt at the wedding. He couldn't take her eyes off her beautiful appearance all night and he noticed instantly that she wasn't drinking. She had lied and told him she just wasn't feeling well and then that opened up a whole can of worms as Izzie asked cluelessly if that's why she had a doctor's appointment the day before and suddenly her and Derek were fighting in the middle of the wedding about her being sick and keeping it from him. He stormed off and she ended up telling him in lobby of the hotel as she chased him back to their room. It was a bad fight and ruined her surprise, but the happy look on his face was still what she expected and the hours of long passionate love making still made her tingle.

Meredith laughed knowing Addison was right but still not even sure how to approach the topic with Derek. "I'll wait until he gets back to worry about anything right now.." She assured Addison. Addison went to protest, but was happy Meredith had made the right choice and didn't feel like ruining her happy moment.

Two days later Mark parked his Lexus convertible at the air port and ran in to meet Derek. Glancing at the screen he stopped running noticing their flight was running late. He was glad, because all hell had broken loose at the hospital and he was barely able to make his brief escape on time. 

30 minutes later he spotted his dark haired friend at luggage claim. "So the prodigal son returns. I thought they keep you there forever." "Well, you know my family, there is no such thing as a quick trip." Derek replied leaving Ava with Mark to retrieve their luggage. "Uncle Mark!" She ran into his arms and he laughed at the Yankees cap she refused to take off. She had on a pink matching jersey and he was glad he created a baseball fan.

"Guess what! I went to the Yankees game and saw them and daddy let me have all the soda and hot dogs I wanted...and then I got sick!" Mark smiled trying to keep up with the girls fast speech. "And then we went to the statue of liberty and daddy bought me lots toys on pith avenue!" Derek came back just in time to hear the rest of his daughter's speech. "You mean 5th avenue princess...don't let you Aunt Addison catch you saying that wrong!" Mark laughed at Derek's true remark and they walked to the car.

"Ava talked on and on about New York and both Derek and Mark tuned her out after the first 5 minutes. "She's just like Meredith Derek, I feel bad for you. I don't know how you get a word in ever..." Derek smirked and was suddenly tuned into his daughter's conversation when she said "...and Teddy said I'd get lots of presents when you and mommy get daworced!" Mark shot Derek a confused look. "She means divorced. I let her spend the day at Nancy's and this is what she comes back with."

Derek let out a frustrated sigh as they got into the car. "Ava, you don't want mommy and daddy to get divorced. It means they wont live with you anymore." Mark said not even thinking about it before he said it. Derek shot Mark a death glare as Ava's face turned sad. "What...I tried..." Mark defended starting the car. "Let me do the talking from now on Mark!" Derek replied turning in his seat to face Ava. "Honey, me and mommy are NOT getting divorced so you don't ever have to worry about that."

They continued to drive on for awhile making small talk about the trip. Ava seemed to have forgotten about the subject all together until Derek realized her quietness was just her thinking it over. "But daddy, Aunt Nancy said you and Aunt Addison got daworced because she did something bad and then you lefted her. Did mommy do something bad too?" Derek almost choked on the water he had been sipping and Mark looked at him with wide eyes as they stopped at a red light.

Derek looked back once again to face Ava. The girl was playing with her unicorn as if what she was saying was the most nonchalant thing in the world. "Aunt Nancy told you that Ava?" Ava looked at him getting at his questioning. She rolled her eyes, which was a new trait she had picked up from her mother. "Yeah, she said you got unmarried cause you met mommy and were very mad at Uncle Mark. Uncle Marky! What did you do!?" She giggled thinking it was all a funny joke, but was still looking at them waiting for an answer.

Derek turned back in his seat unable to hide the anger that was evident in on his face. How could Nancy say things like that to his 4 year old? He was tempted to call her and freak out on her but knew it was not a good time. He looked at Mark not knowing what to sat. "Uh...that's all you man..." Mark replied feeling awkward. After giving Ava a shortened very watered down, disney version of his first marriage, Derek turned back to Mark and ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"You alright?" Mark asked, trying to keep his eyes on the road. Derek's hands were clenched into tight little balls now and he was trying to keep his anger in check. "No...No I'm not ok." He kept his voice low so Ava wouldn't get scared, but there still anger in his tone. "The second I got there they began questioning me about Meredith. Nancy of course jumps to conclusions and now..." Derek glanced to the back seat to make sure Ava was pre-occupied and lowered his voice. "Now...all that one talks about is divorce..Meredith is going to kill me. She's going to think I put these ideas in our 4 year old's head." Derek was fuming now, angry at his families lack of consideration.

" And...this Addison thing...Meredith and I agreed not to tell her about that until she was older. It's too confusing for her...Nancy had no right to go there.." Mark nodded agreeing and pretty sure this was going to change the way Ava saw him and Addison. "Meredith's going to kill you when she hears her talk about all this...so you might want to clue her in before hand.." Derek looked back at his daughter who smiled mischievously back at him and knew he had to do damage control sooner rather than later.

"Mommy, mommy, MOMMY!!" Ava screamed happily nearly knocking Meredith over at the front door. "Ava I missed you!" She told the girl as she bent down to her level and wrapped her in a huge hug. Derek crept out from the kitchen not wanting to disturb the scene in front of him. Meredith noticed him right away and her stomach did a flip flop at seeing him for the first time in days. They liked eyes, and suddenly she was lost in his powerful gaze. The baby growing inside of her felt more real than ever now that she was seeing him for the first time. 

Derek kissed her awkwardly on the fore head, not sure how to greet her anymore. He went back to the kitchen and the girls followed shortly after. Meredith wanted to hear all about New York and listened intently to her daughter's tales. She could tell by the two new suit cases sitting in the foyer that Derek's family had spoiled her rotten with gifts and expensive clothes.

Derek forgot all about Ava's new fascination with divorce as he took in the feeling of sharing a meal with his family. It hadn't happened in a long time, and he missed it. They ate and laughed and Derek was surprised to see Meredith feeling better and so happy. He couldn't remember the last time her eyes lit up so much. They had hardly talked at all while he was in New York and he wondered if maybe that time had done them some good.

Ava chatted on and on and suddenly he remembered he was supposed to talk to Meredith before she had the chance to talk to Ava. He kicked himself for forgetting when Ava said, "Daddy used to love Aunt Addie, isn't that silly mommy? Don't do something bad like her did or daddy wont love you anymore."

Meredith looked at Ava first confused, and then to Derek as her daughter's words began to make click in her head. The smile was gone from her face and was replaced with a shocked look.

"Uh...Ava," Derek began looking at Meredith. "I thought daddy already told you this.." He said to his daughter trying his best to dig himself out of the whole. He flashed Meredith his trademark smile in an attempt to gauge her reaction. She didn't return the smile so he knew she wasn't happy, but she didn't look mad either...which he did not expect at all.

"Derek..." Here voice was sharp and to the point and she took her time getting the rest of the sentence out on purpose to torture him. "Yup, there it is..." He thought, preparing himself for the worst. "You, told our 4 year old...about Addison?" Ava was bored with the conversation and asked Meredith if she could be done dinner. Derek answered yes for her, anxious to get the girl out of the room.

"No, I mean yes, but only after Nancy told her the whole story..." Meredith's face scrunched up like she was trying to grasp all the information. "Wait...you mean your sister went and told our daughter personal information that was not her business at all to bring up?" Derek nodded, bracing himself for her to blame it all on him. She stopped talking...and just stared at him. He waited, and waited, and waited some more...for the yelling. But, to his surprise, it never came.

"She had no right Derek. No right at all. Addison will be so hurt if Ava tells her what she told us tonight. We've come so far in the past 5 years I will not have your sister ruin it." Meredith was using her mom voice, talking to him sternly but still not yelling. Her voice sounded angry but her features were calm and unstrained. Derek just sat, speechless, not sure what to make of her reaction.

Finally Derek got the nerve to say something. He started cautiously, not wanting to make her suddenly mad. "I'm sorry Meredith, I had no idea she would say anything like that..." Meredith cut him off before he could finish. "No, it's not your fault. Tomorrow, you will call her and explain that if she can not keep her mouth shut...she will not be able to spend time with Ava. End of story."

Derek nodded, agreeing wanting to give Nancy a piece of his mind, but also wanting to please Meredith and keep her in the laid back mood she was somehow in. He was still rather confused. He knew that if he had told her this a week ago she would have flipped and probably kicked him off their land entirely...so he wasn't sure what brought about this sudden change.


	10. Chapter 10

Since she was taking the news so well, he figured he could approach the second part of the subject...the one in which he was sure she would be more angry about. "Well, there is more...now don't freak out, but my family knows about us." Meredith looked at him with sudden fear in her eyes. Her whole posture changed and she looked like a nervous child. "I didn't want to tell them, but they hounded me the whole time and then Ava told them I was sleeping at the trailer...so I ended up having to tell my mom.."

Derek could see her internally freaking out and switched chairs so he could be close to her. "Are you alright?" He asked after a few minutes of painful silence. "I'm trying not to freak out here Derek." He smiled understanding, and sat back to give her time to think. "No, no this is not ok." His family already judged her from day one and she could only imagine what they thought of her now. Instead of the dirty mistress she was the girl who kicked her husband out to a cold hot, roasting trailer. He took her hand in his instantly feeling his heart flutter at the feeling of her tiny hand in his. "Hey, it's ok. I talked to my mother, she understands and is being really supportive..but it's Ava I'm more worried about.." Meredith looked at him concerned and pulled her hand out of his to gather the plates from the table.

"The older kids, they seemed to have told her all about divorce and now she thinks it's a fun thing...with two Christmas's and birthdays...she...um...she thinks we're getting a divorce." Meredith sat the plates down and just stared at Derek and then sat down in the nearest chair. She was freaking out again, lost in her own thoughts. "She thinks...we're getting divorced?" Her heart broke to even say the word in relation to their marriage. Loosing Derek was her biggest fear and she had tried hard not to pass that fear onto her bright and shiny daughter.

Her mind was filled with worry once again as all her happy thoughts about the baby, their baby were quickly fleeting. She would have to tell him soon. Suddenly, she wasn't ready...they weren't ready...she got up again pacing around the room until his strong arms stopped her. She hadn't even heard him approach.

"Stop." He whispered into her ear as he stilled her movements and brought his arms around her. She didn't return the hug at first, but after a few minutes she gave in and sank into his waiting arms. "I told her not to worry...we're not getting a divorce. Not now, not ever." She nodded and pulled out of his arms and offered a fake smile.

He knew she was still freaking out and he got the feeling there was much more to it than she was telling him, but he didn't want to freak her out and force it out of her. Things were going so well lately, he didn't want to ruin that. The sound of his pager clipped to his belt went off echoing through the kitchen and he cringed wishing he could stay to talk to her. "I'm sorry, I'm on call...so I have to go.."

She gave him a sad smile and walked over to the sink. "It's ok, thanks for taking Ava" A sudden sad feeling came over her and she was annoyed with herself. She was a surgeon, she knew what it was like, but she wished he would stay and force her to talk...force her to stop avoiding the fact that she was having a baby. He stood there watching her not sure what to do until another page came and he sighed knowing he really had to go. The shrill noise was a firm reminder of why they were separated  
in the first place and suddenly it seemed like they were miles apart.

He said his goodbyes and left the house not understanding her compete mood change. She heard him leave and slid down against the kitchen cabinets banging her head against the counter as she went. All she could think about was the baby. "The timing's off, the timing's off...the timings off.." She whispered to the empty kitchen.

The next night, Derek stood on the deck screaming for Ava and Tyler to come inside. In the kitchen, Mark was getting frustrated as a cranky Peyton spit her baby food out at him. The girls had taken Izzie out for her bachlorette party and Derek, trying to get back into Meredith's good grace's as much as possible offered to watch all the kids. Addison and Meredith seemed against the idea, not sure Derek and Mark could handle babysitting duties but Derek shrugged it off. After all, how hard could three kids be? 

Derek walked in to find Mark force feeding Peyton and the baby was screaming her head off in protest. "Um...Mark, I don't think she's hungry.." Derek advised just as Peyton spit the last bit of baby food out of her mouth and onto Mark's white polo. "Derek, she's been screaming for the past hour, she has to be hungry. I think I know my own kid!" He remarked, getting frustrated with the fact that he secretly had no idea how to calm his daughter.

Tyler bounded into the house moments later tracking mud everywhere and Ava followed closed behind. She looked like she had been mud wrestling and her feet prints were imprinted on the carpet as she followed Tyler to her bedroom. Derek was glad those two had each other to play with and picked up Peyton to try and calm the girl down. The girls had only been gone an hour...but already the boys were feeling overwhelmed. Though, neither would ever admit that.

Derek made a face and leaned down to sniff the babies diaper. He scrunched his nose and held the child out to Mark. "No wonder she's screaming...she definetly needs her diaper changed." Mark shook his head and gently nudged Derek's arms away. "Oh no. You found it, you change it!" Mark told him serious like. " Derek laughed, but handed the child to Mark more insistently. "No way, she's your kid, I'm done with that stage...mine's been potty trained for two years."

Mark looked at his daughter defeated. "Derek, come on. I love her. I do, but this whole baby stage...it just isn't my thing. Addison usually handles the diaper department." Derek looked at him skeptically. "Wait..you mean to tell me you've never changed a diaper before?"

Mark nodded yes and tried to hand her back to Derek. "No! You've been alone with her...what do you do when she needs changed?" Derek was almost afraid to ask as he watched Mark look over at the sink. Realization dawned on him and he couldn't help but laugh. "Seriously, you hose your baby down in the sink...like a dog??" Derek was shocked, but not surprised at Mark's inability to take care of his own child. Mark acted offended, but Derek wasn't about to give in. "Get her diapers and I'll teach you how to do it...but I refuse to do it for you. I'm surprised Addison hasn't killed you by now."

After Derek attempted to show Mark how to change Peyton, he realized that he hadn't done it in awhile and it seemed a lot easier with Ava. He didn't remember the squirming, screaming, and twisting part. Needless to say Mark gave him his best 'I told you so' speech.

Once the job was finished, and Peyton was calm laying in the play pen Mark flipped on the baseball game and Derek went to get two beers, but then remembered the kids were upstairs. "It's quiet...too quiet. I should go check on them, I'll be back." Mark laughed, at Derek. "It's supposed to be quiet. They're kids, let them play. Don't be that guy who checks on his daughter every ten minutes. The Yankees are on!" Derek gave in, not wanting to seem like an over protective father, but the silence was still nagging at him.

Two innings into the game a loud crash was heard up stairs shaking the ceiling above them. More thumps echoed above their heads and Peyton began to cry. Mark went to comfort her as Derek fled up the stairs taking them two at a time. He was panicked, thinking the worst, but glad he hadn't heard any screams.

Mark followed closely behind and they both stopped abruptly in Ava's doorway shocked at the site before them. The room was a disaster of toys and clothes. The 5 layer book shelf that stood against Ava's wall was laying in the middle of the floor along with all the dolls, books, and picture frames that were on it. Crayons and markers littered the debris making the room look like a tornado had come through.

"Ava Grace Shepherd!" Derek said in his most stern voice, his heart still racing from the fear of either of them being hurt. He struggled not to yell, but his tone was loud and both children could tell instantly he was not happy. "How did this happen?" Both children looked down at the ground refusing to meet his eyes. "Tyler, tell us how this happened?" Mark asked, not as stern as Derek and the boy looked up at him, but still refused to look at Derek.

"We...we were playing spider man...and climbed up it and it just fell over..sorry Uncle Derek.." Tyler was looking at him now, afraid to move from his spot in the middle of the room. Derek walked over to the shelf surveying the damage and making sure the kids weren't hurt. "You two know better than to climb on furniture like that. If your mom saw this Tyler you would be in big trouble." Tyler's eyes grew wide "Please don't tell her, I'll clean it up, I promise..." He begged and Mark laughed, knowing Cristina was definitely the enforcer in that family.

"I'm sorry daddy..." Ava said, her eyes meeting his and he tried not to melt at her sad face knowing he needed to stay in control. "Tyler, you know better than to climb that shelf, you are older than Ava...you need to watch out for her..and Ava...we tell you all the time to stay away from it...you could have been really hurt...no treats before bed tonight."

Tyler nodded...sadly, and began to clean up the mess and Ava just frowned at Derek. "I always get treats!!" She whined, knowing she had him wrapped around her finger. "Not tonight, you broke the rules, now get cleaning." "NO!" Ava yelled and Derek looked at the girl surprised. She had her arms crossed in front of her reminding him so much of Meredith.

Derek had never seen Ava act this way before and he wasn't sure how to handle it. He was furious she was talking back to him but couldn't help but be intrigued by the new "Meredith" side of his daughter. "Ava you don't say no to me! Now clean up!" Ava stomped her foot in response testing her limits on just how far she could go. 

"Ava!" He snapped, only to be met with her stubborn glare. Realizing he was not going to get anything out of her he resorted to bribery. "Fine, Tyler if you help clean up you can pick any movie you want and Ava, you can just go to bed." Ava screamed no once again and then threw herself onto her bed. She began to throw a tantrum and he walked out of the room not able to see her like that. It killed him to watch her, but he knew he had to put his foot down or he'd never hear the end of it from Meredith.

He stood there listening for a few minutes until she finally succumbed to the bribe and began to clean up. Derek smiled and walked down the steps. "And Meredith thought we couldn't do this.." He said to Mark.

An hour later Mark's pager went off and he cursed at it earning a "You said shit, you said shit!" from Tyler. Derek glared at him, not wanting to deal with the wrath of Cristina when the boy went home saying that word. "Sorry to do this to you Derek, but you know the drill..."

"Don't worry, I'll be fine!" Derek assured taking Peyton from him. The second Mark was out the door Peyton started screaming. He changed her diaper again and offered her a bottle but nothing seemed to work. He spent what seemed like forever rocking her until she finally dozed off in the play pen.

He heard his cell phone ring from the kitchen an he ran to get it before it went to voice mail. "Hey Derek, how are things going?" Meredith's voice asked through the phone. It was loud on the other end and all he could hear was loud music. He wasn't surprised the girls were calling to check in. "Oh..everything's fine. Tell Addie to stop worrying. Peyton is asleep." He could hear Addison asking Meredith questions into the phone. "Mark got called in. But i'm fine with them."

"Oh gosh...you're alone? Do you need me to come back?" Meredith was joking but Derek was appalled but her lack of faith in him. "Oh no...hey, I'm surprised you're not drunk yet." He knew her, and expected her to be on her 7th Tequila shot by then.

There was silence on the other end of the line and Meredith came up with a lame excuse hoping he would not think too much of it. He heard Ava screaming from the living room and rushed off the phone to go see what was wrong.

"I want to watch Star Wars! You got to pick last time!" Tyler yelled. Ava threw a pillow at him and refused to give him the remote. "No, that's for boys. I want Cinderella!" Tyler made a face and threw it right back at her. "Eww..that's for girls!" The boy yelled infuriated. Derek stepped in right as Ava was about to throw the remote at Tyler's head.

"No one is watching anything. It's bedtime, now go get your pajamas on!" The two kids whined and huffed up the stairs in protest. A loud cry could be heard from the play pen and Derek walked over to pick up the baby who was impatient and crying louder now.

He walked her around like he had done before and tried singing like he would do with Ava but nothing seemed to work. She was crying so hard her whole body was turning red and he was beginning to panic not knowing what to do. He thought about calling the girls...but didn't want to give in just yet.

Finally he sat down on the couch giving up and flipped on the end of the Yankees game giving in to the girls screams. His head was pounding and he felt his patience running out. He commented parts of the game out of habit, used to having to do it for Ava. After ten minutes the cry was silent...and seemed content to listen to the soft sounds of Derek's voice. He smiled at the peaceful child, and laid back to watch the rest of the game.


	11. Chapter 11

  
It was well past midnight when Meredith finally got home from the bar. The lights were still on and she was surprised thinking Derek would have been in bed by then. Even in the dim glow of the foyer she could spot the mud stains that made a trail into the kitchen. 

Following them she stepped into the kitchen only to cringe. It looked like a bomb had went off with dirty dishes and stains littering the floor. She was surprised, because Derek was usually the clean one...always making sure the house was in order before she got home.

Curious to find Derek and check on the kids she made her way up the stairs only to stop in utter disbelief as Ava's room came into view. The room which had been "cleaned" by Tyler and Ava looked worse then ever. On top of the already turned over book shelf there were dozens and dozens of clothes strewn across the room. The falling shelf instantly worried her along with the empty bed and no sign of the kids.

With nervous anticipation she began checking the guest rooms and bathroom until she came to her room and found Ava and Tyler curled up in her bed. The scene was utterly cute but anger pushed through her again when she saw the tv still on playing a horror movie neither of them should have been watching. Moving closer she found that both children were covered in mud and chocolate. A half eaten gallon of ice cream sat on her bedside table melting down it and the carpet beneath it.

She stomped out of the room in a sudden wave of anger not understanding where Derek had been to let this happen. Though Meredith was usually the enforcer with Ava, it was usually only because she worried, a lot. Derek was more mellow but usually kept a watchful eye on his daughter at every minute. "Derek Shepherd, where are you? I swear to god if you don't stop spoiling that child I'm going to kill you." She called to the empty hallway listening, and getting no response.

She was frustrated now, after being at work all day and out all night, and having to be in a wedding the next day, she was tired..and not at all in the mood to clean up the disaster of a house. She made as much noise as possible, using her stiletto heels she had borrowed from Addison to stomp down the steps.

Instead of searching all the rooms she swaggered right into the family room ready to freak out at her husband. The lights were low and the tv was running on low creating a dim noise in the background. She could see his figure laying on the couch and grew even angrier wondering why he had gone to sleep and left the kids to themselves.

She moved to stand directly in front of him only to have her breath hitch in her throat as she took in the site of Derek, who was deep into sleep with Peyton curled onto his bare chest. His one arm wrapped loosely around the girl and his other fell down the side of the couch where his shirt lay clearly discarded.

She stood, silent, watching the gently rhythm of his chest moving in and out in time with the babies. All her anger disappeared, and in his sleep he seemed to frown and then wrap his arm more protectively around the child. She smiled, at the memory of finding him many nights in the same exact position when Ava was an infant. Derek had taken a few weeks off when she was first born, and for days, the only place Ava would sleep was on her Daddy's bare chest.

Meredith flicked off the TV and instinctively ran her hands through his dark waves. For the first time since realizing she was pregnant, she could see them having another baby together. It made her happy, thinking that maybe telling him wouldn't be such a bad thing after all. Derek jerked awake at Meredith's touch causing Peyton to let out a whine, but not enough to wake her up.

Still groggy from sleep he took in her form standing over him. He thought it was a dream not used to waking up with her anymore. Without saying a word he let her gently take Peyton out of his arms. He gazed at her, not able to take his eyes off her sexy form. She had on a black tight halter dress that accentuated her curves in all the right places. Like a horny teenager he glanced at her exposed cleavage as she bent over to put the baby in the playpen.

He shook off his porny thoughts as she looked up and he sat up quickly, rubbing his eyes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep where's Addy?" He asked searching around for his t-shirt. Her eyes took in his muscular chest and instantly wanted to touch him."Um..." She stuttered trying to get the imaged of a naked Derek out of her head. "She was too tired to drive all the way out here so I said we'd keep the little one for the night. You look tired, how did it go?" Derek sighed and settled back down onto the couch pulling his shirt on over his head.

"Well...as soon as Mark left Peyton turned into Rosmary's baby and wouldn't stop crying...I'm kind of glad we only have one now...because 3 against one is just not fair." Meredith's frown went unnoticed by Derek and she tried not to dwell on the fact that he could not want more children, but was too tired to dwell on that.

Seconds later Derek shot up suddenly remembering he had not put the kids to bed. The look on his face was pure panic and he bolted up out of his seat. She giggled and watched him walk out of the room not sure if she should just let him worry for himself. Thinking it would be too mean she ran after him, stopping him at the steps.

"Derek, they're sound asleep in our bed...you have a huge mess to clean up tomorrow..." He stopped abruptly and turned towards her moving incredibly close. "So...it's still "our" bed then?" his voice rough and raspy from sleep. She watched as he looked her up and down desire suddenly taking over.

Meredith met his gaze and his eyes turned dark. "Of course...it's always going to be..." She couldn't even finish her sentence because his gaze was so intense. He leaned in to kiss her and moaned deep in his throat at the sudden feel of her soft lips.

It had been too long and he wanted her more than ever before. Instead of pulling away like her mind was telling her to she welcomed his tongue as it fought with hers. Her hormones were racing due to the pregnancy and she suddenly wanted to take him right then and there in the foyer. His hands roamed over her hips and butt. She didn't even realize he had undone the zipper until he broke away from the kiss and slid it off of her. 

She stepped out of it and she watched his eyes grow even darker than before. He let out a barely audible gasp as he realized she had not worn stockings or underwear. Unable to stand not touching her any longer his hands found her breasts and ran his fingers over them. She felt almost like electricity when he touched her and she couldn't believe how long it had been since she felt that way.

"Meredith..." Was all it took for her to loose control and pull him closer to her forgetting all about their problems. His bulge pressed against her stomach and she moaned causing his warm member to pulse through his jeans. Their kisses grew more erratic and suddenly his clothes were being scattered all over the foyer.

In one sudden movement he picked her up and wrapped her legs around his waist, both moaning at the sudden contact. He carried her into the kitchen, the first place he could think of so their sounds wouldn't wake up Ava and Tyler. In a lusty daze she was plopped up onto the island. He kissed his way down her neck and her breasts moving slower down to her stomach. His hot tongue dove into her moist folds. She moaned his name and grabbed onto his hair.

His fingers began tracing patterns around her folds and her hips jerked at the contact. She was unable to stand the torture and slid her hand down to his erect pulsing length. He let out a groan and bucked at her touch. Shoving her hand out of the way he slid into her slowly, one inch at a time watching her as her eyes glazed over.

"D...D...Derek, please" Her pleading turned him on even more and he could barely think with the feeling of her surrounding him. "Mer...I'm not going to last long.." He managed to get out before she pulled his face to hers and nearly jambed her tongue into his mouth. Her hips impatiently rose to meet his and he pulled out of her and then back in loving the feeling of her writhing beneath him. "Oh Derek, Harder.." She panted and he obliged wrapping her legs tighter around his waist. He reached down and flicked her clit and her muscles suddenly tightened around him.

"Derek!" She screamed as she came, her whole body shaking. Her orgasm sent him over the edge and he let out string of mumbled words as his body convulsed and emptied inside of her. She kissed down his neck as he lay draped over her in a breathless heap.

"I love you." She whispered softly into his ear causing him to look up in surprise. A smile crossed his face and he kissed her on the lips. He laid his head against her chest listening to the thumping of her heart. He sighed, in bliss. "I love you too." His voice was raw and full of emotion and he was suddenly overcome with how much he missed her. He moved off of her and the beads of sweat cooled on her skin. "That was..." He began...but couldn't finish before she ended for him. "Amazing.." She finished for him. He wiped a sweaty lock out of her face and they just stood their naked, staring at each other.

Their moment was interrupted when they heard Peyton start to cry softly in the family room. She sighed, not wanting to be interrupted. "She's probably hungry. Addison told me she'd need a bottle..." Derek agreed still reluctant to leave her side. She moved away from him but he pulled her against him and kissed her passionately. She pulled away before it could get too heated and slapped him on the arm. "I'm going to get Peyton. You sir...have a mess to clean up." He watched her naked form walk back out into the foyer. Before she left completely she turned to him and said "Oh..and Derek, don't think this means you're forgiven..." She meant the words, but a smile was on her face. "Oh...don't worry, I plan on making it up to you several more times.."

Meredith blushed, and walked out of the room and he slumped down against the counters his body still twitching and reeling over what had just happened.


	12. Chapter 12

Derek couldn't take his eyes off Meredith as she stood on the alter beside Addison and Cristina. Being the maid of honor, Meredith was in a silk, from fitting pale yellow dress that matched Addison and Cristina's lavender dresses. The wedding was three years in the making and by far the most extravagant out of all their weddings...with the exception of maybe Addison, who flew everyone to New York for her central park venue. 

Derek was barely able to concentrate on the ceremony, getting to distracted by Meredith's tight bust line. She was glowing and almost radiant, and he couldn't remember a time when she looked more beautiful. Ava stood beneath her mother in a puffy white dress she picked out herself. It was embroidered with lavender flowers. A crown wreath of yellow daisies sat on her head making her look like an angel. Derek could barely believe how grown up she looked. His heart ached, realizing how fast she was growing up...and just how much he had been missing in the past year.

Derek smiled as Meredith looked down at Ava with a panicked face. Ava's legs began to hurt and she sat down on the alter dropping her empty basket in the process. Meredith met Derek's gaze with a nervous look, but he just smiled and shrugged letting her know it would be ok. Her face relaxed and the two stood staring at each other. They had not talked about the night before, talking wasn't really their thing..which usually ended up hurting them in the end.

Tyler began to giggle and make faces at Ava across the aisle earning him a stern look from Cristina. Looking at Derek, all Meredith could remember was their wedding day and how perfect it had been. Tyler had been their tiny ring bearer and even though he had cried during half of their ceremony, neither let it ruin their day. Things still were not perfect between them, even after their amazing sex. It was still obvious there was a giant whole in their relationship when Derek had left to spend the night at the trailer. She was upset at first, but knew that he was giving her space...like she wanted. She wasn't ready to forgive him yet, still not trusting him to really understand the issues they had.

She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't even notice Izzie and Alex had kissed until Cristina shoved her, willing her to walk down the aisle.


	13. Chapter 13

Meredith was reminded at the reception exactly why she hated being pregnant, even if the outcome was great. Her feet ached from standing in heels too long and the summer heat had already caused them to swell. Her breasts had enlarged a whole cup size since her last dress fitting causing her dress to expose much more cleavage then she would have liked. It was also slightly too tight, the zipper in the back jabbing painfully into her skin as a constant reminder she was pregnant.

Just the scent of the salmon for dinner sent her rushing to the bathroom to throw up. Everyone was already slightly tipsy, dancing and having a great time. But, Meredith was just tired. She was tired of making up excuses for not wanting to drink. She was tired of blowing off the confused looks from everyone once she told them she just wanted wanter. Addison being the only one who knew kept nudging her, urging her to tell Derek all night long.

Meredith just shrugged it off, in her Meredith way and tried to avoid everyone. Thinking back to the previous night she was surprised Derek had not noticed the changes in her body, but then, with disdain she realized that he hadn't been home enough for him to notice. Cristina pulled up a chair next to her forcing her to come out of her reverie.

Signaling over a waiter she grabbed to champaign glasses off the tray and started downing one at rapid speed. "These wedding make people toxic." She remarked, finishing off the glass. Meredith didn't even respond, and just sat drinking her glass of water. "Burk went off with Mark and your Mc-Ass husband..some secret guy talk or whatever.." Meredith pushed the glass away that Cristina had sat in front of her.

"Alright Mer, what hell is wrong? You've been all mcbitchy all day...and haven't drank in two nights in a row.." Cristina was a bit tipsy and was rambling more than usual, her voice raising as she went. Finally getting frustrated Meredith had had enough. "Cristina, stop!" Meredith interrupted. Cristina looked at her with a stunned expression. "I'm pregnant..." Meredith whispered, not believing that had just come out of her mouth.

"You're what!?" Cristina almost screamed. "Does Derek know? More importantly, why didn't you tell me!?" Meredith was annoyed with Cristina's rapid questions and loud voice. "Shhh...keep your voice down. No he doesn't know." Meredith watched as the boys walked into the ballroom. "I don't know how to tell him, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you, just please don't say anything."

Derek and Burk approached their table after hitting the bar. Meredith shushed her in a panic and faked a smile as the boys sat down. "Hey ladies, how's it going?" Derek asked grinning from ear to ear. Cristina opened her mouth to say something but only let out a yelp as Cristina kicked her under the table. Derek gave them a questioning look, not really understanding what was going on. Meredith had been acting weird and distant all night and they had been so busy at the wedding that he hadn't had time to force it out of her.

"Hey Derek, apparently your little girl is more like Meredith than we thought.." Mark and Addison had came to the table and Mark had a smirk on his face. Derek laughed, not getting his joke until he followed his gaze to the dance floor. Meredith tried to look as well, but was blocked by Derek as he stood up. Derek had a smile on his face and then it suddenly turned to a frown.

"What is that!?" He snapped clearly not happy. He was not angry, but more flustered. Meredith stood up to get a look at what was making him so upset. Ava and Tyler were in the middle of the dance floor. Tyler's arms were wrapped around her. His miniature black tuxedo made him look like a clone of Burk. Meredith smiled at how cute they looked. Derek's fists were clenched as he watched Tyler lean in and kiss Ava. They kissed for barely a second and then stopped.

"No, Burk...get your son off my little angel." Derek was annoyed and Burk just laughed watching his son proudly. "He's practicing..these are skills he needs!" Burk replied. "Yeah..calm down Derek, she's gorgeous...let her have some fun!" Mark smirked, hitting Derek on the arm. "No, she's my baby...she is way too young to be kissing boys...even if it is Tyler." Derek put his beer on the table and went to walk to the dance floor.

Meredith put her hand on his arm stilling his movements. "Don't freak out..." She said  
and he tried not to shake her off. "Meredith...I can't handle seeing her kiss boys. She's my little girl!" He was starting to get annoyed with the fact that Meredith wasn't more upset by it. Ava and Tyler had long since parted and were both running over to their table.

"Daddy, Daddy, Tyler's my boy friend!" Derek got control of his annoyance and lifted her into his arms. "Ava...he can be your boyfriend, but you are really too little to be kissing boys.." Ava looked confused and eyed her mother. "But...you and mommy kiss and make noises all the time...I want to!" Meredith blushed and Burk and Mark began to snicker. "Ava, only mommy's and daddy's kiss..." Derek told her trying to get her to understand.

Sensing this was going to be a bigger topic than the night allowed, Addison asked the Ava if she wanted to go get cake. Derek let the girl down and watched as she ran ahead of Addison. "Man...watch out Derek, she's going to be a knock out when she gets older." Derek glared at Mark and for an instant thought about hitting him. He was on edge and already frustrated between Meredith's confusing moods and his daughter's sudden need to be an adult.

"Ohh...well just wait. Peyton is a red head...and we both know how the boys get around red heads...remember how all the guys stalked Addison in college?" Mark's face suddenly fell instantly and he shut up. He suddenly was not happy either and Meredith could tell that a scene intended to be funny, had quickly escalated into something else.

Meredith moved closer to him and put her hand in his. "Come on Derek, let's go get some air..." Derek's face was crinkled into a tense mess and he nodded...following Meredith out of the room his hand still protectively in his.


	14. Chapter 14

  
Meredith plopped down onto the plush bench in the foyer of the banquet hall. Derek thumped down beside her watching as she kicked off her heels and massaged her aching feet. She looked tired and unhappy and he frowned unsure of the sudden cause. "What's wrong?" She looked at him and for the first time wanted to spout out "I'm pregnant you idiot!" But instead she just shrugged her shoulders. 

Noticing her tension he took her foot into his hands and began to rub it gently. He watched her reaction as the ache disappeared and a small smile tugged at her lips. She propped her other foot onto her legs and leaned back against the bench while his hands traveled from her toes up to her heel. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Derek finally spoke, his voice almost getting drowned out by the music and laughter coming from the ball room.

"Sorry I freaked out back there...I'm not ready to see her kissing any boy but me." Meredith looked at him trying to read his features. He looked depressed and not at all like the man she had seen the night before. "Why do I get the feeling this isn't just about her kissing Tyler... You know it was just playtime for them...since when do you get all hostile around our friends?" Meredith was confused. She knew he would be a protective father...but never before had he not been able to take a joke from others, especially Mark. The basis of their friendship was mostly picking on each other...especially given their history.

Derek switched feet and focused his gaze on her painted toe nails. "I don't know. Today...seeing her dressed up and walking down that aisle...I could just see her getting married..she's growing up right in front of me and now I feel like I've missed it all. I spent the year at work instead of with her..and I can never get that back."

He looked at Meredith with a defeat in his eyes and her stomach instantly did a flip flop not remembering ever seeing him so upset. He had stopped rubbing her feet now and just sat, shoulders slumped, staring at the ground. In a quick movement Meredith pulled her feet out of his lap and sat up feeling the sudden need to comfort him.

"Hey, please don't beat yourself up over this. You realize your mistakes and you are fixing it. That's all anyone can ask for. She adores you. She's been infatuated with you since the day she was born." Derek leaned into his hands and rubbed his eyes. "What if it's not enough? I should have been there. I ruined things..I'm just..I'm afraid we can't get it back and it's all my fault."

Meredith's breath hitched in her chest and she suddenly understood his earlier actions. She was not used to seeing him to detached and unsure. He was always the one spouting about fighting and never giving up..she wasn't sure she knew how to take on that role. "Derek?" She got no reply and he wouldn't look up at her. She slid closer to him and put his hands on his tense shoulder blades. For several minutes they just sat there while she massaged his shoulders and neck.

He groaned, rolling his neck back as her tiny hands made small circles around it. His response gave her the nerve to speak and she finally said what she hoped would make him feel better. "Derek, you're a great father, god Mark can't even change a diaper. You and Ava have this amazing connection that her and I never have. She's a daddy's girl...and watching you with her just makes me love you even more. I avoid...you know that..but you keep me from avoiding. You make me bright and shiny..we'll make it through this. We have to. There is no reason we can't...as long as we both want it."

Derek sighed wanting to believe her. He cleared his throat trying to from a sentence. "Earlier when I went off with Mark, it wasn't just small talk. He wanted to tell me about a position in Hawaii." Meredith stopped her movements and Derek turned towards her not wanting her to misunderstand. "Not a job really...more like a consult. They need a head of neuro for a 3 months...I went to med school with the chief there and I was requested." He watched as she looked down at the floor already starting her avoidance. "Mark thinks that if I do this..I'll be a shoe in for the position on the board." Derek waited for her to look up at him but she wouldn't. "Meredith, look at me." He said putting his hand on her chin. She allowed him to lift her chin up and finally look into his eyes.

They were already glistening with tears and she couldn't hide the hurt that was held in her expressive eyes. "I haven't really had the time to think about it. I wanted...to talk to you first. I'm just..I'm annoyed because I feel like no matter what I will always have to decide between work and my family. Sometimes I would give anything to have a 9-5 job." Meredith was strangely silent causing Derek to fidget with nervousness.

"Well...it's not that hard. Do you want to go to Hawaii?" Her voice was detached...and hiding all the emotion he could see in her eyes. He was surprised by the question not expecting that to come out of her mouth. "What, Meredith...I don't..." "No," She interrupted. "No Derek, do you want to do this? It's a simple question. I say Derek do you want this and you say 'yes Meredith I want to go half way around the world for 3 months.'" She was getting more worked up now and he could tell she had given up avoiding the situation.

Derek sighed, not wanting to make her angry. "It would be a great opportunity, yes. But do I want to leave you and Ava...especially since our marriage is like this...no." He had raised his voice on purpose to let her know he was being serious. Meredith ignored him and leaned down to pick up her shoes. "Derek, this is the problem. I hate the fact that you have to give up great opportunities for us. It makes me feel horrible...like we're holding you back." Meredith was masking her emotions by acting angry, but inside she just wanted to cry. She didn't want him to go...she wanted to tell him about the baby knowing he would never go if he knew she was pregnant. But she also knew that if he was unhappy with his career he would resent his family...and she couldn't handle that. She couldn't deal with abandonment...not with him.

Derek was getting frustrated with her behavior, but knew her well enough to understand it was just her way of avoiding her real feelings. "Meredith, stop doing this. Stop avoiding. Making a decision based on my families best interest is not missing out on my dreams! It's what I should have been doing all along!" He saw her nervously struggle with her shoe strap and yanked her foot closer to him so he could do it for her. She met his eyes with surprise..thinking he was angry but only saw pure emotion in them.

"I'm sorry." She gave up. "I'm glad you came to me first. It shows me that you are serious about making things work..but I just can't live with you giving up things for us. I don't want us to be unhappy ten years from now..I don't want you to wake up and suddenly realize you are miserable and..." Derek looked at her suddenly realizing what was going on in her head. "And what Meredith..?" He knew the answer, but wanted to hear her say it. She needed to say it..instead of holding it all in. "and leave me." Her voice broke and tears suddenly made their way down her cheeks. The hormones were making her emotions crazy and she wasn't yet prepared for them.

Derek's face softened at seeing her cry and pulled her into his arms without another thought. He was frustrated she still thought he was going to up and leave her...he was annoyed that their wedding vows, which they had written seemed to mean nothing to her because she didn't believe them anyway. But, he managed to let those thoughts fall aside because he knew it was his fault. She would never be doubting him if he had been there. He had lost the trust that took him years to gain back and now he was afraid he would never get it back.

She pulled away from him and wiped the tears away from her eyes embarrased that she had started crying. "Meredith, I know you don't trust me right now..and I understand that will take time. But you need to know that I will never be unhappy with you..and I am not leaving you. I sleep in a trailer Meredith...I live out of a suit case and we've had sex one time in the past two months...if I was going to leave..I'd have done it by now." He was smiling now. Unable to stop looking at her. "You're stuck with me forever...I'm in this and I'm going to fight." She stood up suddenly overwhelmed by his powerful stare and he followed her wrapping his arms around her once again to still her movements.

"Just...promise me you'll think about it...don't just make the decision tonight." Derek sighed knowing he had already made his decision but nodded yes to make her happy. He rubbed his hands up and down her bare back loving the feel of her silky skin. The dress was revealing and he was instantly turned on remembering back to the night before. Finding the hem of her dress he scrunched it up until it was in ball in his fist. She looked at him confused but understood when she saw the lust in his eyes.

There eyes didn't leave each other and his hand traveled up and under her dress. He inhaled deeply when he reached the top of her thigh and realized she had no underwear on. "Jesus Meredith...you're driving me crazy with this no underwear thing.." She laughed and went to reply but his fingers had found her moist folds and she closed her eyes in pleasure. "Derek...we're in the middle of a reception..." He smiled and brought his lips to her ear sucking on the lobe before whispering his reply. "No one's around." He thrust a finger into her causing her to moan in response.

She wrapped her arms around his neck for support and pushed her into the darkened corner shielding her body from anyone who could walk by. She went to say something else but he put his hands to her lips to stop her. "Just relax...and let me please you." She wanted to say something else but his thumb found her clit and started making lazy circles around it. He pushed her left leg up to to his waist allowing his hand better access to her.

She bite into his neck to stifle the moan and suddenly found his lips hungrily needing to feel more of him. He kissed her back allowing his fingers to dive into her wetness once again and she moaned into his mouth. He released her swollen lips and moved to her neck and collar bone. She was moaning more and more now and he slid his fingers in as far as they could go and he felt her insides twitch signaling her impending orgasm. "That's it Mer...just let go.." He whispered before pulling her lips into a passionate kiss. Her hips thrust and he felt her convulse around him as she moaned into his mouth.

He took his fingers out of her and let her dress down before taking her into his arms and waiting for her to catch her breath. "We should get back to the party." He said, not really wanting to let her go. She nodded in response too tired to argue. He kissed her again and then she smoothed down his hair giggling at the bite marks on his neck. She decided then and there that she would tell him about the baby as soon as he had time to think about Hawaii. No matter what he decided...she would tell him. She had to.


	15. Chapter 15

Giving a nod to the secretary Derek gave a soft knock on the large oak door before barging in. "Mark, you paged me right in the middle of a hemispherectomy!" Derek was annoyed and threw his scrub cap onto Mark's desk. A loud squeak was heard as Mark swiveled around in his chair and put down his copy of The New York Times. "That's chief to you.." He smirked, enjoying tormenting Derek. Ignoring his question altogether he added, "You know, I'll never get used to not being able to see every Yankees game on TV. Seattle just doesn't do it for me."

Derek sat down into the nearest chair and gave an annoyed sigh. "This is why you called me here? To talk about the Yankees?" Derek was irritated and not kidding. Two days had gone by since the wedding and someone seemed to be cursing him with every neuro case in Seattle. He hadn't had a moments peace and since him and Meredith had been working alternating shifts, he had barely seen her let alone have time to have a major discussion.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Mark replied, knowing he was getting under Derek's skin. "I paged you to see if you gave Hawaii any thought." Another loud squeak was heard as he turned to his computer and pulled up a web page. Derek could make out pictures of Hawaii as Mark began to talk. "I have to say, it is a beautiful state. I was thinking we could all get some time off and come to visit you. I would kill for some beach sex." Derek smirked at how crude his friend could be and rested his head on the back of his chair.

"I really haven't thought about it much...I pretty much knew my decision right away." Derek lied. He had thought about it, but only because he had promised Meredith he would. In truth, he had pondered his other option, going to Hawaii, but only long enough to find every negative thing wrong with it. Mark could tell by Derek's tone of voice what his choice had been.

Mark turned and looked at him closing out the web page. "I figured that's what you would say." "Any other time...I'd have given it more thought, but my marriage is in trouble...I can't deny that any longer. Meredith said she's understand if I went...but something tells me she'll have divorce papers drawn up when I get back."

Mark laughed. "I know, I wanted to offer it to you anyway. The things I do for you man. You know I've been couch bound for the past two days. Do you know how uncomfortable that sofa is?? All because I gave you the chance to further your career. You'd have thought I cheated on her the way Addison is acting towards me." Derek laughed, the first real laugh he'd had in days. He was secretly glad his ex-wife was so loyal to him and his marriage.

Derek's pager went off and he groaned knowing he would be pulled into another surgery. "I gotta take this. Hopefully it wont take too long, she'll kill me if I don't pick up Ava by 5." Mark stood up to see Derek out. "Well...you already sleep in that tin can of a trailer...she can't do much else..." Derek pondered that for a minute and then decided not to reply before running out of the room. Meredith could make his life much more difficult. "Addison's nothing compared to an angry Meredith..." He thought running to the elevators.

Derek relieved his tired arms by plopping the heavy bags of groceries onto the counter. He had come home earlier to find no food in the house and was more than frustrated to have to go to the grocery store. "Ava what do you and mommy eat?" He asked while managing to pry the bag of cookies out of her hands.

Once the cookies were out of his hands she began to insistently tug at his shirt. "Daddy please...please can we go swimming? I never get to go, please!?" Derek shook his head, "Ava it's dinner time you need to eat something other than pizza." Ava frowned. "But you and mommy are always at work and I never can go outside..." She said sadly piercing him with her expressive Meredith eyes.

Ava was skillfully playing the work card and Derek cursed the day he ever let Meredith talk him into getting a pool. Looking down at his daughter it was too hard to say no to her angelic face. "Just for a little, go find your suit." Ava cheered and bounded up the stairs. Not even knowing where to begin looking for his bathing suit, he followed her up the stairs. He couldn't remember the last time he had worn it and walking into his bedroom was like a bomb had gone off. It seemed like Meredith had taken out every outfit she owned and thrown it on the bed. She wasn't usually so particular about outfits and he was confused.

"Ava, don't go outside till I'm ready." He called before rummaging around his walk in closer for his bathing suit. After several searches he got annoyed and started flipping through his dresser drawers one at a time. Keeping an ear out for Ava he trudged to Meredith's dresser and flipped open hers as well. Something gray and white caught his attention as he was opening the drawer and he pulled it out from the papers that were only partially covering it.

He smiled taking a quick glance at the grainy photo that was in his hand. Thoughts of Ava as a baby and Meredith's pregnancy flooded his mind and he was suddenly overcome with emotion. He looked closer at the ultra sound photo and furrowed his brow curious as to why it was out of the baby album it was usually kept in.

Hearing Ava call out to him and not really worried about the photo he put it down only to stop when the paper it was under caught his attention. It was test results he recognized from the hospital and he instantly worried something was wrong. Feeling guilty about snooping through Meredith's things he unconsciously looked around before picking it up and reading.

Patient: Dr. Meredith Shepherd

Date: July 10, 2012

Test: Pregnancy

Results: Positive

It felt as if the floor had dropped out under him as Derek read the test results. All that filled his head was confusion. "She's pregnant?" He said aloud, his voice sounding foreign in the silent room. In a daze he looked back at the ultra sound picture and read the notes at the bottom. It was clear now, and he was surprised he hadn't noticed before. The picture was taken much earlier than Ava's first ultra sound had been.

Looking down to the very bottom he saw the doctor's name Dr. A. Sloan. The confusion was replaced with sudden anger at the thought of Addison knowing Meredith was pregnant. He threw the picture and paper onto the dresser and picked up the purple pamphlet that had been on the bottom of the pile. All he had to see was the heading "Planned Parenthood clinic" to realize that pamphlet was about abortion.

Dropping it to the ground he felt a wave of nausea wash over him and suddenly he was on his knees trying not to cry. His breathing was hitched and his mind was filled to the brink. He didn't know what to think. Had she had an abortion? Had she been pregnant and not told me? His heart felt as if it were slowly breaking into pieces and tears made their way down his cheeks. All he could picture were images of Meredith killing their child. His Meredith had betrayed him and suddenly feelings of hurt that he hadn't felt since finding Addison with Mark came over him.

He heard Ava jumping down he hallway but felt immobilized. The information was just too much for him and that's how Ava found him, sitting on the floor with his head in his hands sobbing.


	16. Chapter 16

  
Derek tried to pull himself together when he felt a set of tiny hands rubbing his shoulders. "You ok daddy?" Ava asked, standing over him looking nervous. Looking up he found his daughter dressed in a mismatched bikini and a pair of goggles on. Frantically he wiped his eyes and then went to stand up. 

The world spun as he stood up too fast and he had to grasp wildly at the mattress to keep from falling. "Why are you sad daddy? Are you mad at me...I cleaned up my room..." Ava was rambling like her mother and Derek's heart broke at the thought of Ava thinking she had done something wrong. He forgot all about his anger towards Meredith as he pulled Ava into his arms.

"No, No. I'm just upset. But not at you. Never you. You are my perfect angel." Derek squeezed her tighter taking in her flowery scent. She was the perfect mix of Meredith and himself, yet she reminded him of Meredith every minute of every day. Feeling anxious he held her tighter until she complained and wanted to be let down.

Hours passed by and daylight had long since disappeared when the haunting thoughts came back to Derek. He had made dinner, gone swimming, and done everything to keep himself occupied and "happy" while Ava was awake. But, once he knew she was sound asleep all he was left to do was sit alone with his thoughts.

He was like a caged animal going from hurt to anger to hurt again as he paced the house back and forth back and forth. He wanted to call Meredith but knew she was in surgery, he wanted to call Addison and demand an reason why she knew about the baby before him...but his mind was too full and he couldn't even make the words come out. How long had she known she was pregnant? The date on the test told him...but had she taken an over the counter one before that? Has everyone known...were they lying to him...was Mark in on it? Thoughts of betrayal and hurt invaded his mind and he couldn't stop himself from feeling the need to yell.

Grabbing a beer from the fridge he stepped out onto the deck and slammed the sliding door. To Derek, it seemed like hours before Meredith arrived home from the hospital. By then his thoughts had boiled past the breaking point and he had been simmering for far too long.

Hearing her car pull into the driveway he made no attempt to call out to her from his position on the deck. He wasn't surprised when she opened the screen door and flicked on the lights to the deck. He was slumped in a lounger, his body turned away from her. She could tell he was awake by his fingers drumbing nervously on the arm of the chair. Beside him sat the empty remnants of several beer bottles that had been smashed on the ground beside him.

She could tell by the amount of glass that he wasn't drunk, the alcohol wasn't meant as an escape, just an angry habit. One to pass the time...and take the edge off. There was tension in the air, like the electricity that fills the air right before a summer thunder storm. It hung there...cool...crisp...strangling everything around it.

She knew something was wrong, and called out to him in the same unsure voice Ava had used when she found him earlier. He didn't respond at first. His jaw clenching...trying not to yell...trying to find the right words. He had thought about what to say to her all night..yet now that he had the opportunity, nothing would come out.

He wouldn't turn to face her, and she knew instantly he was angry at her...she just couldn't figure out why. "Come over here." His voice was rough...and sharp coming out as a command. The tone sent chills up her spine and for an instant she was actually afraid of him. "What...Derek..I don't.." He cut her off without an apology and she knew something was terribly wrong. He made his command again and she flinched as his voice got louder.

Shaking it off, she moved slowly, nervously to stand in front of him knowing, trusting in the fact that he would never harm her. Standing before him she took in his appearance. His eyes were closed and his fists were clinched into tiny balls. His face was scrunched forming tiny stress lines around his eyes and mouth. The anger seemed to be seeping out of him.

She was confused and scared and he was frustrated. He had assumed she would have known the minute she saw him mad...that he had found out her secret. But here she was...clearly confused. It made him angrier. Did she really not care about his feelings at all? Did this child mean that little to her?

The crickets and the rustling sound of the trees was the only noise around. She shivered as a crisp breeze went by and then...his eyes were open. Her breath stopped in her chest. The chilly air was nothing compared to the coldness reflecting in his eyes.

He refused to make contact with her eyes...and that shocked her. Instead, he was looking her up and down memorizing her every inch. She frowned not understanding and moved to lay a hand on his shoulder but he stopped her. "Don't!" He barked...and she immediately drew her hand away like she had been burned.

"Take off your sweat shirt!" Meredith arched her eyes brows thinking it was some weird sexual game. She knew in an instant it wasn't however, at the intensity of his gaze. There was no lust in his eyes...just anger and hurt. The intensity scared her and she moved to take off the top. Standing there in her tight white t-shirt she felt exposed as his eyes sized up her body once again.

He let out a sigh of relief and all at once his body seemed to relax. She was still pregnant. A half smile crossed his lips and then fall before Meredith could notice. The tight white shirt bulged in the middle not enough that just anyone would notice...but he had memorized her every curve. Her breasts were bigger and straining against the thin fabric of her shirt. Looking up at her face he could see the puffyness and shine he had teased her so much about while she was pregnant with Ava.

He kicked himself, for not noticing earlier. Especially during their kitchen encounter...but his mind had been elsewhere and he wasn't even thinking of pregnancy because it had been so long since they had sex. "When was the last time we had sex..?" He thought..and his mind began to think back now that he knew for sure she was pregnant. He never once thought she was unfaithful. He trusted her far too much for that. But he couldn't even remember when their child was conceived and that just added to his anger.

Busy reeling in the relief that she was indeed pregnant and lost in his thoughts he didn't notice Meredith pulling her sweat shirt back on and calling out his name. "Derek...you're scaring me. Please tell me what's wrong." Her pleading voice took him out of his reverie and for the first time he looked up into her eyes. Fierce blue clashed with her hazel eyes and suddenly it clicked into her head. Somehow he knew about the baby. Somehow he had found out...

She didn't know what to say as all the thoughts in her head screamed out in alarm. This wasn't how he was supposed to find out. She broke their gaze and he could see the guilt in her eyes. "I'm sorry Derek..." She whispered, her voice breaking with emotion. He just looked at her appalled and with a disgusted grunt flew out of his chair. 

He turned away from her and walked towards the edge of the deck peering out onto the empty dark land. "How long.." He asked, but his voice was too soft for her to make out. Not daring to move where she was she didn't reply and he turned with sudden intensity. "How long have you known!" He shouted and she blinked back the tears and shock of his yelling. He never yelled at her...not in this way and she didn't know how to respond.

"Since...you were in New York.." She took a few cautious steps towards him as she said it and tried again to apologize. "No. No, you don't get off that easy...how...how could you keep this from me?" His demeanor and all his anger was replaced with hurt.

Tears slipped readily down her cheeks and he watched her cry for a few minutes feeling suddenly guilty that he was yelling at her. Thinking of the baby anger rose through him again and he cursed himself for going to easily soft. Running an angry fist through his hair he took a step towards her and then thought better of it backing away from her entirely. He would never lay a hand on her, but he was angry, and he in that moment he didn't trust himself.

"No. No! You don't get to cry. I'm the one sleeping in a trailer, barely seeing my daughter and fighting to save this marriage and here you are keeping secrets! We don't keep secrets Meredith! I thought we learned that lesson!" Her tears suddenly stopped and she looked up at him with fire in her eyes. "Don't you talk to me about secrets Derek Shepherd. I was going to tell you! I just wanted to wait and make sure you were here because you wanted to be...not because you had to be!"

She was angry, but not yelling. She was too exhausted to yell. His brows furrowed as he looked at her, unable to believe what she was telling him. "Jesus Meredith. We're back to this? What do I have to do to prove to you I'm in this marriage? I've done everything I can think of...You don't trust me. Fine! but you don't get to keep a baby from me! Our baby? How irresponsible can you be!?"

He was more than angry now spitting all the thoughts out that had boiled in his mind all night. He couldn't even look at her crushed face as he said them. She did not fight...or reply. She just stood there. Too stunned to really fathom what was going on.

"Were you going to have an abortion?" His voice cracked, barely able to make out the word abortion. He couldn't believe it, he didn't want to believe it. Meredith looked down at the ground with a silent nod and he gasped, his worst fears coming true. "I...I thought about it." She wouldn't look at him...and just stared at her feet like a child getting in trouble. She heard him come closer to her. He was so close she could feel his hot breath on her face.

"How could you even think about doing that...and not tell me?" His voice was full of pain and disbelief and she met his eyes with a pleading gaze. "Derek, I couldn't do it...I thought about it...I was scared and upset. The timing is off...I didn't want this baby to come into a world not wanted."

His eyes met hers one last time and then he stomped off the deck and back into the house. She followed him quickly, not even bothering to shut the door. "How...how could you even think of doing that...of betraying me like that? What would you have done...just acted like it never even happened? You know I've always wanted more children!"

He was in the kitchen now and she followed close to him backing away every time he turned towards her. He was gathering his things off the counter and she panicked knowing if he left it would never get resolved. "Derek please...please let me explain..I needed time..!" She was desperate now...begging him to hear her out.

Turning to her in one swift motion he was in her face. "I've given you all the time I have...I wont fight for something you clearly disregard. I'm not sure you're the woman I thought you were." He yelled, actually yelled and she could have sworn she heard the walls shake. She was openly crying now and she put her hands on his chests trying to still his movements.

"No, Derek please. Stay. Please don't leave like this." A sudden memory of Addison pleading with him not to go the night he found her in bed with Mark ran through his mind and he backed away from her bile rising in his throat. "No..." He shook his head not really believing what he was saying. The anger was gone, and all that was left was hurt and disbelief. "I...I can't even look at you right now." He said regretfully before turning on his heels and walking out the door.

She heard the door slam shut and she just stood there..blinking in the silence. Her breathing was fast and she was on the verge of hysterics when she heard her daughter bounding down the steps. "Daddy! Daddy where are you going!" She cried as she reached the door and threw it open.

In a panic Meredith ran into the foyer and grabbed her Ava before she could make it off the porch into the dangers of the driveway. "Daddy...daddy don't leave me! Daddy!" She screamed and fought in Meredith's embrace as Derek's car reversed out of the driveway. Meredith held onto her daughter not letting her go until her little arms and legs stilled and all that was left was her painful cries.

Meredith sat down on the large porch and cradled her daughter in her arms as imaged of her own childhood flashed through her head. "Daddy...you can't leave...you can't..." A young girl yelled from the driveway as she watched her own father pack his things into the car. The memory was enough to send her into tears as her worst fears came true.

She had driven him away...like her mother drove her father away. She was her mother. Ava pulled out of Meredith's arms and looked down at her mother still sobbing. "You did something bad. You made my daddy leave!" Meredith sat heart broken at her daughter's words and stood up to sooth her. "Ava, no he didn't leave you." Meredith tried to pull her into her arms once again but the girl fought her and ran back in the house. "I hate you mommy! Now my daddy's gone like Aunt Addy. I hate you!" Meredith stood in shock as Ava screamed the hurtful words and ran up the stairs. She had never even heard Ava say the word hate before.

Her daughter's words pierced her heart and she slid down against the wall and let the tears fall. She had ruined everything and now...even her own daughter hated her.


	17. Chapter 17

  
Shaking off the feeling of De Je Vu Derek barreled through the door to Mark's office for the second time that day. He hadn't bothered to knock and Mark looked up in surprise jumping at the intrusion. 

"Yes...Alright...sure we are capable of that..." Mark mumbled into the phone clearly distracted by the unexpected entrance. Derek slammed the door shut causing Mark to pause in surprise. "I NEED to talk to you!" He held up a finger at Derek mouthing "Wait" but Derek only groaned in response.

"Did you know?!" He interrupted harshly and Mark widened his eyes trying to shush him. Derek began to pace around the room and finally settled in front of the desk. Derek's breathing was fast and he couldn't seem to catch his breath. "No...No I need to know.." He snapped between pants. Derek's voice was upset and full of pain. Noticing his friends anguish.

Mark made up an excuse to get off the phone and motioned towards Derek. "Derek, what the hell is going on?!" Derek shook his head and slammed his fist against the desk. "Dammit Mark. Dammit!" He was angry and his emotions were going crazy. Mark stood up concern all over his face.

"Derek what's wrong?" Derek wouldn't reply and slumped down into the chair beneath him. "Oh god...did you know? Please tell me if you knew.." Derek's voice was breaking and Mark could tell he was headed for a break down.

"Know what Derek? I really don't understand.." Mark was confused and trying hard to understand what was going on. "It's Meredith...she's...she's pregnant. She kept it from me...did you know? Did you know she was pregnant?" Derek was in tears now pleading with Mark for answers. He had never seen his friend so desperate.

"Derek I'm sorry, I have no idea what you mean...why would I know?" Derek sighed loudly not even knowing where to begin. "Mer...she's pregnant..I found the ultra-sound scan today...Addison performed it weeks ago.." He was stuttering and rubbing his eyes. "Addy knew this whole time...and Meredith...she...almost had an abortion."

Mark sat back down in his chair and looked at his friend. "Wow...Derek, I don't even know what to say. I can't..even believe that..but I swear I had no idea...Addison didn't say anything about it."


	18. Chapter 18

For the first time since Derek's abrupt entrance Mark realized something really was horribly wrong. Clearing his throat he managed to wrap his mind around what Derek had said. Meredith was pregnant. Ok, he could handle that. But the fact that she had hid it from Derek was completely taking him off guard.

Those two were America's sickly sweetest couple(even if he wanted to gag thinking that) they never kept important things away from each other...and Addison knew...and didn't tell him...he was mad at her for a split second but then realized if the situation had been reversed he would have done the same thing.

Shaking off his thoughts in order to focus on Derek he looked over to the man who was usually so strong. In that moment he was the complete opposite of the man he had seen earlier that day. "What happened?" Derek looked up at Mark and Mark held his breath knowing it wasn't good just by the hurt lines written all over his friends face.

"I confronted her...and she said she didn't want me to come back just because of the baby...God she just doesn't get it. She doesn't get how much I would give for her.." After a sweep through his think curls Derek was up again unable to sit still as his hurt turned back to rage.

"I thought we were over this years ago! I really..." Derek's voice finally broke as he stumbled over what he was going to say next. "I really thought we were going to make it." Mark watched...as Derek slid to the ground and buried his face in his hands. He could hear him sobbing..which in any other situation he would have teased him about. Truth be told, the only time he had ever seen Derek cry were always when he was faced with loosing Meredith.

Mark was content to let his friend vent, but worried about him. Derek tended to make rash decisions when he was angry...and Mark and Addison knew that better than anyone. He couldn't let that happen...he couldn't let Derek run away from this. "Derek you don't have to get divorced over this. Before anything you need to cool off..I'm sure stupid things were said and both need to just settle down."

Derek wasn't even listening as an idea popped into his head and he shot up and wiped his eyes. Moving fast he moved towards Mark and pointed a finger at him. "Let do a surgery." Derek's voice was demanding. "I need to get my mind off this..." Mark looked at him surprised and shook his head chuckling a little before stopping as Derek glared at him.

"No way! you are in no condition to operate!" Derek kicked the front of his desk and moved closer to Mark. "Mark, this is not a question put me on a case or I'll do it myself." Mark stood his ground knowing he could easily win in a fight with his friend.

"No Derek, I can only fix their outsides...I can't fix their brain when you kill them because you are angry at your wife. NO. You will go home and sleep this off."

"Mark..I can't go back there. Please..I can't look at her, I can't even go back on that land..it reminds me of her." Mark felt overwhelming sympathy for his friend in that moment. He had never before heard him talk about Meredith that way...it worried him.

Thinking for a moment and afraid Derek might flee across country Mark took his keys out of his pocket and handed them to Derek. "Here." Derek looked at him confused. "Go to my place...do whatever and if you're awake when I get home we'll talk." Derek went to say no right away but Mark interrupted him. "Addison's at her mom's with Peyton for a few days...there's no one there to bother you.."

Derek seemed to be pondering the offer over in his head. He wanted to escape his thoughts and stop thinking of the horrible fight he had just had with Meredith. Taking the keys from Mark he nodded his head in thanks and walked out the door. Mark sighed...sitting back down behind his desk and dialed Addison's number hoping that she would have an idea of how to pull Meredith and Derek out of this one.


	19. Chapter 19

  
"Yang!" Mark yelled as he raced down the hall to catch the woman moving much to fast for him. Her white lab coat flew behind her in the breeze she was creating and Mark knew she must have heard him. Nurses and doctors watched with prying confused eyes at the chief darting down the hall like a madman. 

Cristina slid into the elevator ignoring his calls and sighed against the cool railing as the doors shut. A hand slid in just barely making it and the doors reopened on an out of breath Mark. She pushed on the buttons urgently letting out a loud puff of hair.

"Cristina, I need your help..." Mark panted trying to slow his breathing down. Rolling her eyes she refocused on the chart in her hand. "I'm a little busy playing mommy to my idiot interns..." She spat out her voice sharp and unhappy. Mark was not surprised at her reaction, the two were never close and though they had all moved forward and not dwelled on the past, Cristina had a hard time seeing the man as anything but a womanizer.

"Well what if I took them off your hands for the night? When is your shift down?" His voice was desperate and lacked it's usual snarky timbre. Looking up from her chart she shot an eye brow up at him and laughed bitterly. "Mark, for the last time I am not coming over just to change your daughter's diapers."

Mark smirked, but held up a finger to interrupt her. "No, it's not that. It's Derek." Cristina listened intently interested in what she could possible help Derek with. She was annoyed with him for hurting her best friend...even though she was more than angry at Meredith for not confiding in her about the baby...she would secretly hate Derek for life. That was a given.

"Him and Grey got into a huge fight...it's bad. He refuses to go home." Cristina crossed her arms and looked down at the floor willing the numbers to move up faster.

"They've been fighting for weeks Mark, he doesn't even live in that house...what's so new about that?" She was suddenly uninterested in their dramatic relationship. Meredith had hurt her and Cristina knew she was acting childish..but she just couldn't let her friend get away with that betrayal so easily.

"It's bad this time...did she tell you she was pregnant?" Mark kicked himself as soon as the words were out of his mouth. He felt sure she would know...she was Meredith's best friend. But still...if she didn't..he had just mad a major mistake by telling her. He already had Addison ready to kill him, he couldn't handle Meredith too.

Cristina's eyes suddenly flashed with anger and she turned to Mark ready to explode. "No she didn't tell me. Not until the wedding when I practically forced it out of her. So much for best friends..." Cristina spat turning back around and tapping her foot impatiently as the elevator came to a shaky halt.

Cristina couldn't get away fast enough as the doors slowly opened and she began her stalk down the hallway. Mark was close behind and grabbed the end of her coat to stop her. "Derek found out before she told him..." Cristina whipped around stopping dead in the middle of the hallway and he saw her features soften.

She wasn't expecting that. Though she was mad at Meredith, Derek finding out on his own was probably the worst case scenario. She knew him, he was stubborn and sensitive and though he was a huge hypocrite in her book, secrets were never something he took kindly to.

Mark's looked around him and lowered his voice. "He's on the verge of a break down...I sent him to my place..that way I know he wont do anything stupid like bolt back to New York." Cristina's eyes widened. She hadn't even though of that...but Derek was impulsive...and when he got angry..he just ran away from everything and never looked back. But he was different now wasn't he? He would never leave her...or Ava...would he? It would kill Meredith, that Cristina knew for sure. The doctor was so lost in her thoughts that Mark had to call out to her to get her to focus.

"I know Derek is fine for the night...but I'm worried about Meredith. She's been under so much stress already, I can't imagine what this will do." Cristina stood there contemplating his words.

"So...you hunted me down and want me to leave early so I can go play babysitter to Meredith?" She was confused by Mark's actions because he wasn't usually so caring. True he was protective of Meredith...and seemed to have turned over a new leaf once him and Derek became friends again. He had a loyalty to the couple that many people didn't think he was every capable of. But he was Mark...did he really care that much?

"Listen...I can't leave here and Izzie's still on her honeymoon and Addison's away...you're her best friend. You and I both know she wont tolerate being checked on by anyone other than you.."

"Her and I aren't really on speaking terms right now..." Mark sighed about ready to get on his hands and knees and beg. "Please..I don't know what else to do...she can't drown herself in tequila...what will she do?" Cristina turned away from him pretending to look at the chart once again.

Her page went off sending a shrill sound through the hallway and she checked it knowing she had to leave. "Fine..I'll go, but don't think for a minute that I buy the whole 'I'm Mark savior of the universe' act. There's something in this for you, I'm sure of it." Cristina began to stalk down the hallway but stopped and turned back to him.

"Oh...and there better be some damn good surgeries lined up for me tomorrow.." Turning back around she ran down the hall and Mark sighed in relief hoping he was fixing things.

Mark had called Addison only to be reemed out for not insisting Derek go home and talk to his wife. It seemed Mark was still being blamed for the whole Hawaii thing and now..Addison was more than peeved. "I leave for two days and you let their marriage fall to pieces? Mark Sloan..you have until I get back to get Derek back to that house..." She had said to him...trying to pleasant for the people around her but he could tell by the undertones of her voice that she was seething with annoyance.

It had to be semi-fixed by the time she got home...he'd be banished to the sofa for life for sure. He walked back to his office deep in thought. Not many things scared him, but Addison..his red headed tempered wife...she scared him. She had the ability to turn his life upside down...he'd be sofa bound for life if he couldn't fix this...

A tear slid down Meredith's cheek and she slid down the pale yellow wall of the hallway. Kicking off her shoes she pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around the protectively listening as toys and shoes were chucked on the inside of Ava's closed bedroom door. 

The adorable pictures of Ava at different stages of her young life that lined the hallway rattled and threatened to crash to the floor. Meredith had tried for the past two hours to calm her daughter down, but finally gave up when the bedroom door was slammed in her face.

Meredith, who hadn't cried the whole night was finally starting to sob letting the frustration and tension catch up with her. Ava was a calm, sweet child. She never threw tantrums, she wasn't spoiled, and she had never acted like this before. Meredith didn't know how to handle it, praying her daughter would succomb to exhaustion soon she stayed in the hallway feeling like the worst mother in the world.

The first hour of the tirade she had spent listening to Ava's cries for her father and trying desperately to calm her down. Once Ava had realized Meredith couldn't bring him back she locked herself in her room and began tearing it apart. The sounds from the room worried her and she searched the house frantically for a way to break lock that should have never been on the door in the first place.

Once Ava's cries had stopped there was about a half an hour of silence and Meredith panicked thinking something terrible had happened to her daughter. Placing a hysterical phone call to Derek only left her more upset when he ignored the phone call letting it go straight to voice mail.

Another shoe hit the door and Meredith cringed thinking of the disaster she was going to find in that room...if her daughter ever came out. Luckily, the tantrum had kept her mind off of the horror of that night. But now, left to think, her mind was tearing into her self esteem at an alarming rate. She had possibly ruined her marriage, hurt Derek, and caused her daughter to hate her all in one night. What kind of mother does that...what kind of wife does that?

The stress of holding all her emotions in was creeping up the back of her neck forming a huge tension headache. She tried to cry hoping it would relive the ache in her body but the tears just wouldn't fall.

What seemed like hours later the noise of the front door opening and shutting echoed through the foyer and Cristina's voice soon followed. "Meredith, where are you?" Meredith didn't respond, she was too deep in thought to even notice the intrusion.

A large crash that sounded like it came from high up boomed through the room and Meredith prayed it was not Ava's Madame Alexander doll collection that Addison had been given her since birth. Without a sound Cristina sat down across from Meredith and shifted a brown bag from the liquor store across the wooden floor to her.

Meredith looked up and frowned. "What this...? You know I can't drink.." "I know.." Cristina responded dryly. "You just had to go and get yourself knocked up."Confused Meredith opened the bag and found a bottle of non-alcoholic margarita mix.

Her mouth turned into a half smile and then it faded away. "Does this mean I'm forgiven?" She looked at Cristina hopeful that her friend would be there for her. Cristina pulled out her own bottle of tequila and held it up. "Yeah..we wont do the whole make up thing..but I figured you could use some company tonight. Mark told me what happened..." Cristina's eyes widened as Ava threw something against the door. Seconds later Disney princess tunes were blaring through Ava's boom box.

"But, he didn't tell me Ava morphed into a teenager overnight.." Meredith banged her head against the wall and sighed. "She heard us fighting..and watched Derek leave. She's been like this ever since. I don't know what to do...she says she hates me.." Cristina stood up and grabbed both of their bottles.

"She's a girl Mer, how many times did we say that to our own mothers growing up...?" Meredith stood up and followed Cristina down the steps. "Exactly..that's what I'm afraid of. I meant it...I can't end up like my mother...I can't have her hating me.." Meredith voice finally broke and she began to cry, letting the tears roll freely down her face.

Cristina turned to her friend realizing for the first time how bad the situation was. "Meredith...she wont hate you, she's just angry. She's exactly like you. She'll get over it by morning...right now we just need to get you calm enough so we can think of a way you can explain things to Derek."

Meredith shook her head and stood up. "No, he wont listen. He hates me now...he thinks I betrayed him...I can't loose him..I just don't know what to do." They both walked down the steps and Meredith collapsed onto the sofa of the living room cringing as she looked at their wedding portrait on the mantle.

Cristina made her way into the kitchen and began making drinks adding double shots to hers knowing it was going to be a long night. She hoped that Mark could talk some sense into Derek before it was too late...and before things spiraled out of control.


	20. Chapter 20

  
Mark arrived home much later that night cursing at the down pour that had started the minute he stepped out of the hospital successfully soaking him. "I hate this city!" He fumed, tossing his now ruined black leather jacket into a rumpled pile on the floor. 

Seeing a dim lamp in the living room on he walked in to find a very soaked Derek sprawled out on the couch. His clothes were stuck to his body and his hair was drenched leaving tiny ringlets dripping down his face.

Feeling dirty and exhausted, Mark ran his hands over his growing stubble and laughed at his friends drowned rat appearance. "Addison's going to kill you for ruining her couch.." Mark said only half kidding, knowing his wife hated anything coming near her fashionable furniture.

Derek stared blankly into the TV. He could make out his disheveled appearance but didn't seem to mind. "I'll buy her a new one." He responded monotone, not bothering to look over at Mark.

Mark sighed and thumped into his bedroom. Derek could hear the faint rumbling of drawers being pulled open and then the shower turn on. Time seemed to stand still and before Derek knew it Mark was back in front of him forcing a pair of shorts into his hands.

"I'm going to bed. Stay here, sleep this selfish mood of yours off." Mark was frustrated and too tired to deal with his stubborn friends problems. He thought about Cristina for a brief moment and hoped Meredith was Ok. He felt the need to protect her...since Derek was not in the right mindset to do it.

Derek didn't respond and just sat there staring at his reflection once again. "And do me a favor, don't go flying across county because I don't have time to go chasing your sorry ass." Mark said...waiting for his friend to acknowledge him before he walked away. He used his normal dry, sarcastic tone but it was really just a cover for how worried he really was.

"You should change your clothes. Why the hell are you all wet?" Mark decided against going to bed, and instead walked to his lounger and sat down putting his feet up loving the feel of being able to relax. Derek rolled his eyes and defensively crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Why the hell are you still living in this crappy apartment when you could have a house?"

Mark shrugged sensing Derek's foul mood. "I like it. When are you going to go home and talk to your wife? You look like shit." Mark had struck a nerve and Derek huffed flipping on the TV.

"I went for a walk. And I don't want to talk about her." He replied suddenly extremely focused on the remote in front of him. "Too bad. You're here, so talk." Getting angry Derek flipped through channels at a rapid pace doing anything he could think of to avoid Mark.

"I don't want to be here! I'd rather be.." He couldn't finish before Mark interrupted. "You'd rather be where? In the OR? Killing people..or better yet how about on a plane to New York..no wait...that would be too obvious, maybe Australia." Mark rolled his eyes." Get over it Derek. She messed up, so did you...you need to talk to her."

Derek was getting more angry by the minute and flicked the TV off throwing the remote to the floor. "You don't know what I need to do! She hurt me, she lied to me, she doesn't get to just say sorry!"

Mark laughed sarcastically at his friend. "You are ridiculous! You're the one who was absent all year! You're lucky she didn't leave your ass and go find someone who cared!"

Mark had really struck a cord and Derek shot up from the couch and stood angrily in the center of the room. "What someone like you!?" He spat out not even meaning the words. Mark just stared at him...shocked at the words but not at all hurt by them.

"No. Someone better than me. Someone better than both of us. She deserves better and you still don't see that. Any other woman would have left you long ago."

this site is killing me i've been trying to update all day but it never loads! i hope other people are having issues and not just me!!


	21. Chapter 21

Watching to see that Meredith had shut the bathroom door Cristina whipped out her phone and fired off a text to Mark. Cristina had spent the last few hours listening as Meredith sobbed over Derek. During it all her pocket kept vibrating and when she got a chance to look she discovered Mark had text her at least three times wondering about Meredith.

Rolling her eyes Cristina sent She's ok. Ava's not. Knowing the cryptic message would send him reeling with worried questions, a part of her wanted him to worry..if he worried Derek would worry...and then she wouldn't have to be stuck with her hormonal best friend.

Hearing Meredith leave the bathroom Cristina quickly hid her phone and sat back down with her friend. Cristina couldn't stand to see her best friend so upset and hated the fact that Derek was still breaking her heart, even after 4 years of marriage.

Cristina had to give her friend credit, even after he had yelled at her and treated her like crap for the past year, Meredith still loved him. She still wanted to be with him, and worried constantly about him. All she had asked all night was where Derek was. She was worried he was injured and kept calling out to him over and over again until Cristina couldn't take any more and finally confessed Derek was at Mark's.

Looking over Cristina expected to find Meredith ready to cry once again but instead she was sound asleep, the exhaustion and stress of the night finally taking it's toll. Smirking, Cristina got up and brought their empty glasses to the kitchen. Meredith's virgin margarita's were still half full and melted while Cristina's shot's of tequila had long since been emptied.

Searching around the kitchen she rolled her eyes at how organized the drawers were and finally pulled out a small butter knife. Knowing all along it would be the key to opening Ava's door, she didn't want to suggest it and upset Meredith any more than she had to be.

The upstairs was silent as she made her way up and it only took her a few seconds to stick the knife in the small slit and turn it to open the lock. The door met a pile of clothes and shoes as she pushed it harder and finally was able to step into the room.

It wasn't as big of a disaster as she would have assumed and she shook her head knowing she had to teach her god daughter better. Barbies and dolls littered Ava's bed showing evidence that Ava had given up her tirade to play after all.

The CD had ended long ago and the remnants of their covers lay crushed on the floor. Ava wasn't there, and Cristina panicked for a second wondering how the girl could have gotten out of a locked room.

Rescanning the room she noticed a tiny foot sticking out from behind the partially shut walk in closet doors. Opening them caused a loud creaking noise to echo through the room and she laughed at the sight she found.

Ava was dressed in her favorite pink princess dress and tiara. She was sitting up, but her eyes were closed and Cristina could see the peaceful rise and fall of her chest. Picking her up was an easy task and the girl barely stirred as she laid her softly on the bed.

Cristina jumped as her pocket vibrating again and choose to ignore the text as she flipped off the lights and walked out of Ava's room. She would let Mark and Derek stew for awhile...it was more fun that way.

Her shift the next day came too soon for Meredith. She was tired and cranky and far too emotionally drained to even concentrate on surgery. The simple task of searching the OR board for her cases was too taxing on her tired, irritated eyes, so she walked away for coffee instead. 

Rubbing at her arms she frowned at the pink scratches her daughter had left on her that morning. Dropping off Ava at daycare had been a nightmare. The girl refused to get out of the car and finally Meredith had to carry her in, only to be kicked and scratched when she tried to put her down.

Meredith was at her wits end with Ava. The young girl never acted that way before and Meredith was beating herself up with thoughts of being a bad mother. When Ava finally went into the teacher's open arms, Meredith breathed a sigh of relief before breaking down in the school bathroom.

She was upset, and worried, and suddenly her daughter was reliving her own child hood day after day and Meredith couldn't handle it.

Completely lost in thought, Meredith paid for her coffee and spun around not looking up, only to crash into a hard body. The impact caused her coffee to fly everywhere and the hot liquid burned into her arm. Letting out a yell she dropped the cup and grabbed her arm to wipe off the burning pain.

"Sorry" She mumbled before looking up and coming face to face with the piercing worried eyes of her husband. They couldn't take their eyes off each other, both too surprised by they had literally bumped into each other. He broke the eye contact before she could say anything else and looked down to assess her arm.

"Are you ok?" He asked worried at the instant blotchy red spots that had appeared on her arm. He wasn't looking at her now, and kept his eyes firmly on her arm. It was the first time they had spoken since he angrily walked out of the house. He had wanted to avoid seeing her all day, not yet ready to talk about it, but fate had other ideas.

Meredith didn't even realize he had asked her a question. She was too busy reeling over what to say, how to fix things, and how to make him listen. "I'm ok, it's not that bad..." She trailed off not being able to get all her thoughts together.

Her hands were clammy and she was nervous like a school girl talking to her crush. The silence was tense and nothing like they were used to. Taking his eyes off her arm he looked up letting his eyes roam over her body. Her hair was tied back loosely into a messy nest of a bun. She looked tired and worn, and Derek could tell she had been crying. His stomach clenched for a minute in the usual feeling that accompanied her being upset in any way. They were a team, a pair, anytime she was upset he was too.

Letting his eyes roam over her stomach he seemed to remember for the first time that she was indeed pregnant. He was so caught up in their fight the night before, and how Meredith had lied to him that he had forgotten that she was pregnant, with his baby. They were having a baby.

He was lost in thought suddenly, and his worried expression changed to something unrecognizable. Finally his mouth opened and he let out a quick reply. "Good, get it checked out if it gets worse.." He had turned and was walking the other way before Meredith could stop him. She was confused and hurt. He was acting more like a friend then her husband.

The old Derek would have hovered over her all day making sure her arm was ok. He would have insisted on a consult and probably watched to make sure she actually went. Had she really changed him that much? Without thinking Meredith turned and ran to catch up with him.

He was walking fast, purposely trying to get as far away from everyone as he could. Moving faster to catch up with him wasn't a simple task. Her aching body screamed out to her to stop the movement. "Derek!" She called as he walked through the door to the stairwell.

Finally catching up to him her eyes adjusted to the dim light of the stairwell and she called his name again and he stopped before reaching the second landing. She was winded and hunched over when he turned to face he. He felt like a jerk, making his pregnant wife run after him, but he had been too lost in emotion to even notice she was calling out to him.

"Meredith, I really need to get into surgery." He said when she had finally stood up and moved up the steps to him. "We need to talk Derek. We can't just go on like this." He knew she was right but couldn't help the feelings of anger that boiled up again.

"Not here, not now. I'm not ready to talk to you yet." Meredith sighed letting his words run through her mind. She was half tempted to just leave it at that, but she couldn't. Not for her, and not for Ava. "No, you don't get to decide, we need to talk." Derek turned her back to her suddenly getting more angry and walking up a few more steps to get away from her.

"I don't get to decide? You lied to me Meredith...I'll talk to you when I'm ready to talk." He didn't even look at her and just gripped the railing ready to walk up the remaining steps to the next floor.

Meredith was suddenly angry as well. He wouldn't let her explain, he was acting stupid and childish and she wanted to just slap some sense into him. "No Derek, this can't wait. We need to talk. We can't just let this go."

Derek whipped around and stared at her anger filling his eyes. "If I talk to you now, I'll say things that I don't mean. I can't be around right now. Don't you get that?" He spat angrily. He didn't give her a chance to reply as he turned back around and left the stairwell.

Meredith stood there motionless. She didn't know what to do, so she just sat down and rested her head in her hands. She didn't care about surgery, or getting into trouble, she just wanted to sit, and forget about the world around her.


	22. Chapter 22

The surgery was quick, just taking barely an hour. Meredith had been paged from her avoiding spot in the stairwell and rushed into the OR. Her heart ached when she saw the patient was a little girl.

She let out a surprise gasp when she saw Derek buzzing off the child's beautiful golden hair. He looked up at her frozen stance before returning to his work. She wanted to avoid him the rest of the day...apparently that wasn't an option.

"They couldn't find you so I figured I'd get things started.." He trailed off not bothering to take his eyes off what he was doing. He knew that under the circumstances he would need a good reason for stepping on her toes.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd.." She managed to spit out before letting the nurses help her with her gown and mask. Looking over the girl's now shaven head he ran a protective hand over her tiny face. "Your welcome Dr. Grey..." He responded just low enough for her to hear.

Looking up he could see the instant hurt behind her blue mask and he ignored it walking to the back of the room. Meredith decided to go by Grey at the hospital, but Derek never liked that rule. He was too proud and excited that she was his...to call her anything but Dr. Shepherd. He would whisper it in her ear causing the hair on the back of her neck to raise at any point in the day. She secretly loved it, it was them, Meredith and Derek. Forever.

Shaking off the hurt she watched him walk away and did her best to ignore how Foreign the way Grey sounded on his lips. She ignored the fact that she never heard him step out of the room, and swallowing down a wave of nausea she ignored the fact that the little girl lying on the table looked so much like her own daughter.

The buzzing sound in her ears grew louder and louder. The room blurred..or maybe that was just the tears in her eyes. Machines were beeping wildly out of control and nurses were running frantically around the room.

All Meredith noticed was the little girl in front of her. The little girl who just an hour ago had her whole life in front of her...the little girl with the beautiful blond hair. Choking down a sob she whispered..."Time of death..11:42" Before darting to the back of the room and emptying her stomach into the trashcan.

The water burned her skin as she fiercely scrubbed her hands. The abrasion from the sponge was causing bloody irritation blisters but she just kept scrubbing. Her hands ached, but she didn't care, she just kept at it...trying to erase the past hour, erase the blood...erase the life that had just ended.

"She was playing on her parents balcony when she fell..." The familiar voice cut through the empty room and Meredith jumped, dropping the sponge at the unexpected sound. Derek stood up straight and cleared his throat. "I'm going to put a better lock on out balcony later.."

He had watched her surgery, unable to take his eyes off her, even though he wanted to. She was a well oiled machine when she worked, organized and careful. He was proud of her and knew she was already a wonderful surgeon. As soon as he saw the patients scans he knew it would be a miracle if she lived. There was far too much bleeding and the damage had already been done.

He had hoped that Meredith would have been too busy to take the case, knowing that she would have an attachment to the child. He couldn't blame her, seeing the young girl had sent him a horrible reminder that it could have been his own daughter lying on the table. She sat out on their balcony all the time waiting for him to arrive home, he let her...they let her. All he could picture was Ava over and over again in his head and he could tell by the way Meredith was keeping her back to him that she had done the same thing.

Stepping closer to her he bridged the gap between them and she flinched as he gently untied her scrub cap and gown. She stopped scrubbing and just let the water run over her soar hands not wanting to turn and look at him.

Her tears ran down her face mixing with the water and tickling her face. He could hear her sniffle and wanted to hold her, wanted to comfort her, but somehow...couldn't. Not after their fight...not after the things he had said.

"You know it wasn't your fault Meredith. I couldn't have done any better.." His breath now was so close to her neck that she tingled and sighed at the contact. "She...she was only 5..." She stuttered, trying desperately to pull herself together so he wouldn't see her fall apart.

Putting his hand softly on her shoulder he let it linger there enjoying the contact of her warm skin. It had been so long since they had held each other, since they had been happy, since they had been a family. She was tense at first, but then her muscles eased into his touch and she sighed as he squeezed his hand.

"I'll tell the family." He said dropping his hand and walking away. Missing the feel of his touch she turned to him before he could reach the door and stopped him. She faced him for the first time and he saw how upset she really was. His heart ached and for a second he couldn't take how badly she looked.

"Derek.." She wanted to run to him, tell him she loved him and beg for his forgiveness again, but she was too afraid. He looked at her, surprised she had stopped him and curious as to what she was going to say.

"Can you call the school and check on Ava? She...had a bad drop off and is really missing you..maybe you could pick her up and spend some time with her.." Meredith's voice trailed off to almost a whisper and she looked down at the floor ashamed she had to ask her husband to spend time with his own daughter.

Derek looked at her, concern filling his eyes before answering. "Of course, we'll have some daddy time." She nodded head and never looked up to meet his eyes. He sighed, frustrated...willing her to look up at him. When it was clear she wasn't going to he offered "I'll page you if she's not ok at school." and walked out of the room.

Ok so, I know everyone is pretty pissed at Derek. I am too..which sounds silly since I'm making it happen. But, derek is an avoider, even more so than Meredith. He tends to just let things simmer until they boil over and bite him in the ass. He's hurt that she lied to him..and hurt that she hid the pregnancy...and at the same time he's annoyed with himself for letting it happen in the first place. He realizes he screwed up..and thought he was fixing it...only to have her be keeping things from him. In his eyes...he thinks she was wrecking all they were fixing. He doesn't really know the full extent of the damage yet. I try to write the characters accurately because I feel like...everyone tends to forget how huge of an avoider Derek really is. On that note...he is still mcdreamy...he still loves her and cares about her..he just needs to figure out how to make it all better.


	23. Chapter 23

Flipping shut his phone with a sigh, Derek unlocked his office door and stepped inside. He had checked on Ava twice, for sure he was bugging the hell out of her teachers. Her teacher seemed frustrated and not at all like her usually cheerful self. 

"She's been throwing tantrums, hitting friends...she didn't nap...or eat lunch..." They had nothing good to say and Derek couldn't imagine what else his daughter could do wrong. The harsh knock at the door startled him and he looked up to see Cristina walk into the room.

Her eyes were set in an angry line and she looked firm and ready for battle. Glaring at him she walked to his desk and stood with her hands on her hips. "Is there something I can do for you Dr. Yang?" Not at all surprised by her actions. He was never Cristina's biggest fan.

"You're an idiot!" Came her menacing response. Confused Derek turned to face her. "Excuse me? I think you're out of line..." He shot back not in the mood to hear her out. Her eyes flashed with anger and she stared him down.

"Ha. You know what's out of line...? The fact that I spent last night worried about your wife and daughter. You had not right to go off on her like that...she's your pregnant wife!"

Derek's patience was slowly waring and he couldn't just stand and take such verbal abuse. "You are not her husband! You don't get to say what I can do and can't do...she didn't even bother to tell me she was pregnant!" He snapped turning away and grabbing his bag of his desk. Cristina stood there, not willing to back down.

He needed to know. He had to understand the damage that he had caused. She shook her head at how dense he could be sometimes. "If you had bothered to notice...you would have been able to tell Meredith was pregnant! So don't give me your sob story." Her voice rose as she started her speech.

"Ava heard you fighting you know. She watched you leave...just like Meredith watched Thatcher...she locked herself in her room." Derek stopped what he was doing and turned towards Cristina not believing her words.

"In case you haven't noticed...your daughter now hates Meredith for making her daddy leave. Meredith is devastated and you are too worried about your hurt ego to care!"

Derek's eyes softened and the lines across his far head creased as he tried to process everything she had said. "I...I had no idea..." He could barely get the words out he was so lost in thought.

Ava had watched him leave...her behavior made sense..Meredith's upset mood made sense. It was too much like her own childhood. Derek was suddenly overwhelmed with feeling. He had once again hurt Meredith..and Ava. His family was suddenly falling apart before his eyes and it's almost like the first time he'd realized it.

Cristina watched his inner battle with his thoughts and smirked before leaving the room unnoticed. Hopefully he had understood her message loud and clear...because she didn't know what else to do.

Derek didn't say anything as he watched her leave. He couldn't even begin to speak his many thoughts out loud. He had caused Meredith to relive one of the worst moments of her life...he wasn't even thinking about that at the time. Once again he felt a wave of guilt wash over him.

Sitting back down in his chair he realized just how far apart him and Meredith had grown..and now him and Ava were doing the same. He couldn't bare it, he didn't know what to do...or how to fix it..but he knew he had to.

The second Derek walked into Brookedale beginner school's pre-k classroom Ava latched onto his leg and refused to let go. She clung to him as he tried to get her into her booster seat in the car...she clung to him as he got her out of the car...and she was now clinging to him at the dinner table.

He wondered briefly what Meredith had gone through when her father left. He knew, what little she had told him. But he wondered, if she would have clung to Thatcher like Ava was clinging to him. He wondered if Meredith would have turned out different if Thatcher had stuck around and suddenly he hated the man all over again.

"Ava, you need to eat your pasta before it gets cold." He tried to peel the girl off of his lap but she refused. He sighed, frustrated that he was being beaten by a 4 year old. Running his hands over her golden locks he sighed frustrated, but unable to bring himself to upset her even more.

After ten more minutes of sitting in an uncomfortable position, Derek finally pulled out all the stops and threatened no desert. She looked up at him with her adoring blue eyes and he felt lost all over again.

"Come on Ava, mommy's going to be home soon. Don't you want to eat so you can play with her?" Derek didn't really believe what Cristina said about Ava hating Meredith. He was sure it was just a scare tactic...but Ava's reaction soon proved him wrong.

Pushing her plate away Ava looked up at him and frowned. "I don't want to play with mommy anymore." Her voice was filled with an attitude that he was sure she picked up from Cristina.

Derek laughed, thinking his daughter was just being silly and saying 4 year old things. "Ava, don't be silly. You love when mommy comes home!" Ava thought about what he said and then shook her head narrowing her eyes.

"I don't like mommy anymore." Her words were sharp and well thought out. In any other situation Derek would laugh at how grown up she sounded...but he couldn't help the guilt that washed over him at hearing his daughter's words.

Ava took her fork and moved her macaroni around on her plate. She let out a sigh, much like Derek had many times before and then dropped her fork on the table letting it clank loudly.

"Ava, that's not nice." Derek said wanting to defend Meredith but still shocked at his daughter's actions. "You love playing with mommy, She's been at work all day I know you miss her." Ava didn't respond right away, she just picked up her fork and began pushing the macaroni off the plate and onto the table.

Derek watched...in awe at Ava's behavior. "Ava, stop that. You're making a mess. Eat your dinner." Rolling her eyes she dropped her fork again and tried to get up out of her seat. "No, Ava...sit down and finish."

Crossing her arms over her chest she looked at him defiantly. "I don't want it...and I don't want mommy to come home." Derek's eyes grew wide and his patience was slowly starting to fall away.

What had happened to his sweet daughter? This wasn't her...she loved her mother...she adored her...had he really destroyed all that? Raising his voice he told her to sit again but was only met with avoidance.

As Derek watched her, slowly she began to push her plate towards the edge of the table until he was barely hanging on. His eyes were wide and he couldn't even believe she was testing him like that.

He waited it out...knowing she would never do that...but once again he was proved wrong as she looked up at him and then tipped the plate and all at once it crashed to the floor sending china and macaroni everywhere.

He stood up, still in shock and instantly angry. "Ava Grace Shepherd why did you do that?" Yelling was a last resort for him..but he knew he had to, he had to put his foot down. Hanging her head down she refused to look up at Derek, ashamed at what she had done.

She went to get up but he pushed her back down in her chair not wanting her to get hurt by the glass. Carefully picking up the pieces he threw them onto the table and then angrily picked up the food.

"You are done for the night. You are going to bed." Ava looked up at him fast and shook her head. "No, you broke that plate on purpose. It's bed time. When mommy gets home she'll kiss you goodnight let's go.." Holding out his arm to help her up she shrugged him off and leaped out of the chair.

"No! I don't want mommy! I hate mommy!" She kicked her legs under the table and Derek's eyes widened gasping at her harsh words. "Don't you say that Ava! Let's go!" He picked her up effortlessly and carried her out of the room not giving in as she kicked and screamed up the stairs.

Walking into her room he saw the remnants of her tantrum the night before and felt even more guilty than before. She was no longer the little girl he knew. He had changed that...just like Thatcher had changed Meredith.

Dropping Ava onto her bed he stood and listened to her scream into her pillow. She was crying now, and though he couldn't reward her bad behavior, he couldn't help but blame himself.

She was just barely 4...and confused...in the past year her whole life had flipped upside down and now she wasn't even herself. Ava screams turned to cries and her muffled sobs broke his heart. He wanted to crawl into her bed and cry right along with her.

Ignoring his cell phone that had begun to vibrate in his pocket, he sat down in the rocking chair across from her bed and waited for her to finish her tantrum. After ten minutes he couldn't take anymore and got up and pulled her into his arms.

He sat...and rocked her for what seemed liked hours until her sobs subsided. His shirt was soaked and her tears mixed with some of his own that he couldn't help but shed over the pain both him and his daughter were feeling.

He ignored that fact that his beeper went off...and then ignored his phone as it began to vibrate again. Looking down at Ava he noticed that her breathing had slowed and he was about to pull out a book and read her a story when the house phone echoed through the house annoying him until he couldn't ignore it any longer.

Clearing his throat and running into their bedroom to answer it fumbled with the receiver before finally reaching and picking it up. "Hello?" His voice was raspy and out of breath...he just wanted to the person to go away...wanted to back and curl up with Ava.

"Derek, We've been trying to get a hold of you..." It was Mark, he was annoyed at first, Mark knew he was off for the night...but something about Mark's tone made his stomach drop. He could hear Mark hesitate before going on and his palms grew sweaty knowing something must be wrong.

"Sorry..I was with Ava.." Mark didn't seem to hear his response as he began to speak trying to hide the urgency in his tone. "You need to come down here." Derek rolled his eyes thinking it was a ploy from Mark to get him to come in for a surgery.

Derek chuckled but was cut off by Mark's pleading voice. "No..Derek it's Meredith." Blood rushed to his ears and for a second Derek felt as it he had heard him wrong. "Derek are you there?" Forgetting that he had not said anything yet, Derek made a pained noise and stuttered out the words his heart suddenly sinking afraid of what he was going to hear.

"What...wh..what happened?" He couldn't even think as he waited for Mark's reply...it seemed like hours even though it had been only seconds. Mark seemed to be waiting..thinking of how best to tell him.

"She collapsed during her last surgery...she was out cold for almost an hour...I've been calling you..." Suddenly the room seemed to spin and Derek found himself grabbing onto the bed to keep from falling over.

"How..what...is she ok?" He was frantic now...the blood had drained from his face and he moved around the bedroom with manic speed taking huge strides into the hallway and back into Ava's room.

"She came to a little bit ago..Addison's in with her now..I don't know what happened.." Mark felt horrible...and didn't know what to say to his friend. He was afraid to even call at first...knowing that Derek would be a complete basket case.

"Ok...I'm coming...I'll just..I'll be there soon...please...please take care of her." Derek dropped the phone not letting Mark even say goodbye as he grabbed a few of Ava's toys and picked her up in one scoop and rushed her out the door.

Suddenly..nothing else mattered.


	24. Chapter 24

  
The car ride was a blur to Derek. He wasn't sure how fast he was going or what questions Ava was asking from the backseat. Arriving at the hospital in only ten minutes he didn't even notice that it usually took 20. 

He rushed in carrying Ava and her mismatched bag of toys not caring at the sympathetic looks he was getting from the gossip hounds of Seattle Grace. The elevator up to the OB floor was moving too slow and he tapped his foot impatiently, shifting Ava in his arms.

"Daddy, are we at your hospital?" Ava asked clueless to the face that Derek was close to a near panic attack. "We're visiting mommy." He lied...in a fake cheerful noise not ready to tell her the real reason they were there. Telling her would be admitting Meredith was anything less than fine.

Ava wrapped her arms around his neck tight nearly choking him in the process. "I don't want to see her, I want to stay with you!" She whined causing Derek to tense up at his daughter's new found dislike for her mother.

He didn't reply and shifted her weight again trying not to show how nervous he really was. Reaching the floor too slowly, Derek was met by Burk and Mark who were talking in hushed tones and suddenly stopped when they saw him approach.

"Wow, you made good time.." Mark dead panned looking down at his watch. Derek ignored him completely, his eyes were too busy scanning down each end of the hall. "Where is she?" He asked, his tone stern and to the point. He was unable to hide his emotions anymore and he plopped Ava down on the floor afraid he would drop her.

"She's still in with Addison..." "Is she ok?" Derek interrupted his impatience getting the better of him. Mark took no offense as he tried to explain. "She's awake now but I don't know anything more until Addison comes out.." Mark told his friend trying to remain calm...for Derek, even though he himself was freaking out inside.

He had been paged earlier when Meredith had collapsed. Everyone was panicking and he froze at seeing her pale body crumpled on the floor. He was scared and it reminded him so much of the time Meredith had almost died. He couldn't imagine Derek going through that again.

Mark wanted to tell his friend everything would be ok, but seeing the concern in Addison's eyes was enough to have him worried as well. "Derek, I'll take Ava down to the cafeteria...it'll be easier if you don't have to worry about her." Burk offered, wanted to do something to help. Cristina was already stomping through the halls of the hospital ordering everyone and their mother to figure out what was wrong with Meredith. He figured it was the least he could do.

Derek nodded and watched silently as Burk took Ava down the hallway. He slid down the side of the wall behind him and silently prayed...that everything would be fine. He never prayed...but suddenly it seemed like the only thing to do.

Mark sat by his friend knowing he had a million things to do...but wasn't able to stomach the thought of leaving his friend so alone. 20 minutes of sitting in dead silence later, Addison emerged out of a room looking flustered and warn out.

Her eyes were unreadable and her expression was blank causing Derek to worry even more. He knew his ex-wife, probably better than Mark sometimes...he should have been able to read her.

Standing up to meet her he bore into her with his worried eyes and before he could even speak Addison saved him the trouble and uttered "She's fine." Addison shifted her gaze from Derek to Mark and then back to Derek. "We need to talk, alone.." Mark got the hint..suddenly feeling awkward and gave Derek a pat on the shoulder as he walked away.

"Addison, please just tell me what's going on." Addison looked around at the nurses and doctors who had convened around Meredith's room and motioned for Derek to follow her into an empty exam room. What she needed to say was private, and should not be part of the hospital gossip mill.

He followed her, suddenly annoyed at her behavior and frustrated that she wouldn't just tell him what had happened so he could go see his wife. His heart was racing, pounding against his chest and once in the room, he felt more worried than before waiting for Addison to talk to him.

"What happened...Addison, I need to know already." He was almost begging, pleading with her to put him out of his misery and explain what had gone on. Addison couldn't help but feel pain for his ex husband. He was devastated at the thought of anything happening to Meredith.

"She past out and she wouldn't come to for almost an hour. I ran every test I could thing of..." "Did you run a CT?" Derek interrupted suddenly frightened and knowing all the possibilities. "She could be bleeding from the fall...or...oh god she could have a tumor..." Derek was officially freaking out running his hands through his hair at a nervous pace and not even looking at Addison as horrible scenarios flew through his mind.

"Calm down." She demanded. Putting a hand on his chest to still his movements and then thrusting her chart into his hands. "I ran every test, it was all negative. She's dehydrated Derek. She's exhausted...and her blood pressure was through the roof."

Derek flipped through her chart scanning the head CT's himself, not trusting the people that read them. He looked up at Addison and handed it back to her but then he pulled it back and went to read over it again.

Addison was surprised at his reaction and was growing increasingly annoyed with his behavior. "Derek, stop." She ordered, grabbing the charts out of his hands. "It was exhaustion. She passed out from exhaustion...too much has gone on lately, she's too stressed and to be honest...it doesn't surprise me."

Derek looked at her, sudden pain crossing his face as her words sunk in. It was too much, the fighting and the confrontations...god I'm an idiot. He thought...realizing that he had caused his wife to end up like this. A sudden thought dawned on him and he started throwing out question after question before Addison could even reply.

"The baby...is it ok? Did she have a miscarriage? Oh my god..I did this...I.." Derek was freaking out his head dropping in utter disgust with himself. Addison watched and smiled a little inside, not at the fact that it had happened, but at the fact that he had suddenly realized what an asshole he had been.

"Sit down Derek." She commanded, and he listened, propping himself up on the nearby bed and not even bothering to look up at her. "The babies ok...for now." Derek looked up surprised and a sudden wave of relief washed over him. He hadn't realized how much he had wanted the baby that had caused them so much turmoil until he thought about loosing it.

"Can I see her? I need to see her." Derek jumped up before Addison could stop him and she ran to the door before he could make his escape. "Derek, there's something else." He turned to her, and upon hearing the hesitation in her voice stepped closer to her worried once again.

"When I did her first ultra sound...it was quick..she was upset, I was trying to keep her calm and I missed it..I don't know what happened.." Addison was the one hanging her head now, feeling disappointed in the fact she had missed something so crucial.

Annoyed and feeling his heart drop Derek spoke up, needing her to finish. He was hanging on to her every word and couldn't handle her moment of self doubt. "You're having twins Derek..." Addison fumbled out, not sure how to tell him...not sure what he would say...not sure what state their marriage was in.

The world suddenly stopped and he found himself wishing he had stayed sitting down. Twins? That couldn't be. They hadn't even talked about the meaning of one baby let alone two...hell they hadn't really talked at all...more like yelled...Derek felt suddenly dizzy and noticed Addison had begun talking again but he couldn't even hear her.

"I missed it the first time...baby B was hiding...it's rare, especially since I couldn't make out two heart beats..but it happens...I'm pretty upset with myself.."

Derek shook his head finally tunning back in to what she was saying. He still couldn't wrap his mind around it...twins...how after everything he had done...how did something so great happen.

"I don't even know what to say..." He replied...in all honesty, not even able to find the words. "Does she know? What did she say? Was she happy?" He was freaking again, trying desperately to gauge Meredith's reaction. "No, I didn't tell her, I thought maybe you would like to...I thought...it would help.." Addison gave him a shy smile hoping she had made the right decision.

Derek smiled pulling Addison into an unexpected hug. She was surprised at first, but then wrapped her arms around him glad to see a happy Derek. "Go see her...she needs you." Derek whispered a thank you into Addison's hair and then stepped out of the room eager to tell Meredith the news, but afraid of how they would handle it at the same time.


	25. Chapter 25

  
Derek hesitated outside of Meredith's hospital room door, he needed to see her, he couldn't wait to get his arms around her...just to see if she was ok, but the same sinking feeling kept sweeping into his stomach paralyzing him. 

He was afraid...more afraid than he could remember being in a long time. Things had been said, feelings had been hurt...was the past year something they could just walk away from unhinged?

They were having twins. Twins. As in two...the word still seemed funny as he whispered it to himself. It was like finding out Meredith was pregnant with Ava, but two times better. There were going to be two sets of adoring eyes staring at him in the delivery room. A small smile formed on his face as he imagined what they would look like...sound like and act like. Ava was all Meredith...right down to her blond hair and green eyes...he wondered if the babies would inherent his hair and eyes.

Fear washed over him again as he peeked in the small window to see Meredith lying in the bed facing away from him. He had to tell her they were having twins...what if she wasn't happy? She didn't even tell him about the baby let alone admit that she was excited about the pregnancy. How would he cope if she was unhappy?

He turned away, shaking his head not being able to walk with the negative thoughts pounding into his brain. Hearing a familiar throat clear he glanced up to come face to face with his red headed ex-wife looking not at all pleased with him.

Arching an eye brow at him as he opened his mouth to speak she held her finger in the air and pointed to Meredith's room. "Go in there." She bossed not giving up as she put her hand on his shoulder and nudged him around.

Derek sighed knowing he wasn't getting past Addison on a mission. "I'm scared." He admitted meeting her eyes and then glancing back at door. "I know. She is too." Addison's face softened and she smiled urging him to go forward. "She needs you, it'll be ok." He tried to smile back...and believe her but all he could manage was a slight nod as he turned and walked to the door. Addison watched him go, hoping this would be the beginning of something good for them.

In a quick action he caught his breath and then opened the door ignoring the nervous flip flops his stomach was doing. He stood there not sure what to do...but at least felt a little better just for making it in the room. She was still facing away from him and he couldn't tell if her eyes were opened or closed.

Finally, willing his legs to move, he walked over to the bed and sat down in a small chair beside it. He could feel the bed shift and she suddenly turned over coming face to face with him. Her eyes grew wide and neither of them said a word as they sat staring at each other.

"I was worried..." He finally spoke, his voice full of raw emotion. He sighed in relief at seeing she was awake and ok. Her eyes shifted rapidly as she tried to avoid making eye contact with him for too long.

"You came.." She said, sounding surprised. Her voice sounded so off...so broken to Derek. His heart ached at hearing it that way..and knowing it was his fault. Taking her hand in his he prayed she wouldn't pull away.

"Of course I did. " He whispered, unable to hide the sadness in his voice. He took a minute to fully look at her and cringed at seeing her frail form. She was hooked up to an IV and all different kinds of machines. Her skin was pale, almost translucent and her eyes had lost all shine. She looked broken..and damaged and he couldn't help the pain that he felt knowing that he caused her to look that way.

Tears slowly trickled down her cheeks and he didn't notice until her hand started quivering. Looking at her tear stained face he immediately tried to calm her by running his hand over her far head and through her hair.

Pushing the stray locks out of her face he whispered to her, "Shh...don't cry. You're ok..." He soothed into her ear. She shook her head and pulled her hand away to use it to rub violently at her eyes. She didn't want to get upset in front of him...didn't want him to see how hurt she was.

Realizing it wasn't going to work she got more upset and dropped her hands to her sides letting out a loud sob. Her body shook and finally she was letting it all out crying so hard. She was gasping for air with each breath and Derek grew worried that she would hyperventilate.

"Meredith..calm down. You need to breathe..." He kept saying in the same gentle tones but this time more urgently. He wanted her to talk to him, wanted her to tell him exactly what she was thinking, even if it was horrible thoughts about him.

Several minutes went by until he heard any sound other than cry and when he did he wished he didn't. "I'm sorry.." She sobbed barely getting the words out before another crying fit wracked her body. Her breathing grew faster and he looked at the heart monitor not happy to see the steady beat getting quicker and quicker.

"You need to breathe. Mer, please...take a deep breath.." He pleaded now worried about her heart and blood pressure. Not knowing what else to do to calm her he gave up trying to talk and pushed his way into her bed. Before she could resist he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight as she sobbed.

She cried harder, her body tense and trying to pull away, until finally she gave up and crumpled into his waiting arms. "I'm so sorry.." She cried into his chest letting her tears soak his shirt and muffle her cries. He felt sick at the fact that she was taking all the blame and held onto her tighter wanting to make her better, wanting to make them better.

He rubbed small circles around her back and whispered in her ear just as he had done to Ava. After what seemed like forever, her sobs finally subsided and her breathing went back to normal. He could feel her slow shallow breaths against his chest and he breathed a sigh of relief knowing she was better.

Shifting her, so that she was laying on his chest he cuddled her letting his nose get buried in her sweet smelling hair. "It's not your fault" He whispered, after kissing her far head. She moved to look up at him and she saw all the love she had missed for the past year reflected in his eyes.

"I should have told you." She replied, not taking her eyes off him. Derek inhaled deeply and pushed her head back down to his chest not wanting to let go of her yet. "You should have, but I understand why you didn't." He told her, with all honesty, before resting his chin on her far head.

"We have a lot to talk about Derek." She responded, after several minutes of silence. She shifted out of his arms and turned so she could see him. "And we will...as soon as you are out of the hospital.." "She said I have to stay here for two days...that's insane.." She huffed, not liking being stuck there.

"It's good for you and the bab..." He almost said babies...but caught himself realizing he hadn't told her yet...and still unsure of how he was going to. Sensing something was off, Meredith asked him what was wrong, afraid to hear the answer.

"Meredith, there's something Addison found when she did the ultra sound..." He hesitated not knowing how to say it and Meredith took it all wrong, suddenly panicking. "Is something wrong with the baby?" She was on the verge of tears. "Please Derek just tell me.." He didn't want to make her more upset so he just said it...in a jumble of words...and not as all as special as he had imagined.

"Addison didn't notice when she did the first ultra sound...butyou'rehavingtwins."

Meredith stopped moving...with her mouth still open as she was in the process of saying something. That was definitely not what she had expected to hear and she sat numb, not even knowing how to process the information.

He kicked himself at the way it had come out and turned so he was facing her and put a hand on her cheek. "We're having twins Meredith." She stared at him, still shocked and then buried her head back into his chest.

"Two babies?" She said, coming out in a muffled mess. He was content letting her talk, letting her work it out in her mind, after all he had already had a little while to do so. He could tell by the jitter of her feet that she was thinking it over, letting all the scenarios play in her brain.

He was nervous, and scared wondering how she was going to take to the news. Finally she lifted her head up, giving him a fresh glimpse of new shiny tears. "I can't have twins alone..." She admitted, feeling like weight had been lifted off her shoulder.

His heart broke and he pulled her to him wanting her to know she would never be alone. "Meredith, You wont do this alone, we're going to fix this. This is it for us, I'm in this...I'm in this so much it hurts."

Meredith sighed and looked up at him craning her neck to see into his eyes. She could see that he meant it and for the first time she thought maybe things would turn out alright.

"We'll talk about it all later. You need to rest." He told her, concerned at the amount of stress she had been under since he walked in the room. She nodded and rested her head back down not wanting to be without him.

Besides asking Addison to take Ava for the night that's the same position he stayed in, holding her, comforting her, and promising her to never let her go.


	26. Chapter 26

Mark found Ava in Peyton's nursery. The walls were adorned with an adorable pink and white french toille. It was classy and perfect and screamed Addison. Ava was standing on a small chair peering into the baby's white wooden crib.

Standing at the door he watched as Ava spoke to the baby and Peyton responded happily, kicking her feet and cooing in response. She was going to make a great big sister, and Mark thought that perhaps Meredith's un-expected pregnancy was just what the broken family needed.

"There you are monster. I was looking for you." Mark had always called her this. When Ava was first born Mark offered to babysit for Derek, unknown to Meredith because she would never have allowed it. Ava screamed her head off the entire time and Mark called her monster ever since.

Jumping at the noise Ava turned to him and locked eyes with her uncle. Thinking she was going to get in trouble she quickly got down off the chair. "I'm sorry...I was just talking to her.." She apologized softly hanging her head down, suddenly feeling guilty.

Mark stepped into the room and smiled, not wanting to scare the girl before he could even talk to her. "You're ok, Peyton likes company...she doesn't have any big sisters so she needs you to take care of her." Ava seemed to think this over and smiled, looking back at the red head giggling in the crib.

"If Aunt Addy gets married to my daddy like before..I can be her big sister...right Uncle Mark?" Mark was surprised at this, not really meaning for what he said to come out that way. He muttered a series of curses under his breath before realizing that Ava was watching him intently.

He wasn't sure how he was going to explain all this to a 4 year old...Derek was always good at the kid thing..Mark was the fun one..he joked, he teased...but left the important topics to someone else.

"No Ava, Aunt Addison can't marry your daddy because she's already married to me remember?" Ava looked at him...and frowned, she had not thought of that. Sitting down in the rocking chair across from the crib he watched as Ava went back to interact with Peyton.

Mark hesitated...and sighed...trying to figure out how to say it so the girl could understand...he couldn't exactly say...what he wanted to say..and his attempts that day in the car failed miserably. "Your daddy and Aunt Addison were married a long long time ago, before you were born...but they didn't want to be married anymore."

Ava turned to him and interrupted "Because her hurt him." Shaking his head Mark cringed never in his wildest dreams his screwing over his best friend would come back to bite him in the ass like this. Karma he thought...it's my god damn karma.

"No honey, I hurt your daddy..and he was very upset with me for a long time. Him and Aunt Addison didn't want to be married..so then your daddy met your mommy and they got married and had you." Kind of...he thought hoping Ava couldn't see the confusion on his own face. He wasn't very good at the explaining.

Ava confused face shown back at him. "But Aunt Nancy said...she hurt him..she said my mommy hurt daddy too..." Ava had come towards him now, and attempted to crawl up into his lap.

Of course she did. Mark thought...Nancy never did know when to keep her big mouth shut. "Well...sometimes grown ups get confused. I think she was just confused when she told you that." Ava rubbed her hands over Mark's stubble, something she had always down to him and Derek and seemed to ponder what he had said.

"Your daddy loves your mommy very much. Mommy would be very sad if he married Aunt Addy." The words sounded stupid to Mark's ear's and he hoped Addison couldn't hear him from down the hall. "But they keep yelling..I don't think they love anymore."

His heart broke for the little girl. She was too young to be worried over this. She shouldn't be talking about love, or hate, or divorce. "Sometimes mommy's and daddy's yell and fight..but they still love each other. Your daddy loves you and your mommy so much. And your mommy loves you and daddy a lot too, that's why they've both been so sad lately."

"Is daddy going to come live with us soon?" She asked looking longingly into Mark's eyes. Mark really didn't know what to say. It seemed like Meredith and Derek were on the path to fixing things..but then again...you never could tell with them.

"I bet he will. Maybe you should ask Daddy that tomorrow when you see him." Ava smiled, seeming to be happy with that answer and looked back over at Peyton's crib. "Can I hold her Uncle Mark?" Mark smiled..and was content thinking that maybe his little talk had gotten through to the girl. After all, he didn't want her being dark and damaged like her mother.

Picking up his daughter and placing her into Ava's waiting arms in the rocker, he watched as the older child interacted with the infant. Ava really was going to make a great big sister, he wished he could tell her, but that wasn't even something he was ready to get into. Where babies come from is something he never wants to discuss ever.

Ava sang to the baby just like she had done to her own dolls not realizing that sooner rather than later her life would change dramatically.


	27. Chapter 27

Derek entered Meredith's hospital room much more confident then he was the day before. He was dressed in his dark blue scrubs with his white coat flung loosely over his shoulders. A large brown paper bag crinkled in his hand as he shut the door.

Meredith looked up from her magazine not surprised at having another visitor. She had had non-stop company all day from her friends. They prodded, and poked, and she loved them for it, but the person she really had been longing to see was now standing before her and she couldn't help but smile.

Scanning her, he frowned at the tray of uneaten hospital food that sat in front of her. It took him only a few strides to make his way to her bed, taking time to more closely inspect the food.

"You have to eat Meredith, you need the energy." He lectured knowing he was going to get glared at for it. Letting out an annoyed huff she pushed the tray away from her and threw her magazine to the end of the bed.

"I'm bored. I can't take much more of this. I've watched three episodes of jerry, 2 stupid ER shows, and read more magazines than I can count..I NEED to go home." She rambled on, not liking the confines of her hospital room.

Expecting this reaction he just smiled and adjusted the bag in his hands. "Tomorrow at noon, I'm picking you up and taking you home. But until then..you need to eat." "The food is awful as a patient Derek!" She interrupted, fully annoyed now.

Smirking Derek paid no attention to her tirade. He kind of enjoyed listening to her...it seemed like forever since she was angry at something that was not him. He held up the bag in his hands eager to show her what was inside.

She didn't want to look...and finally her curiosity got the best of her and she gave him her full attention. "I got done my surgery early...and a little birdie told me you weren't eating..." Meredith arched an eye brow and cursed at Cristina under her breath.

Placing the bag on her tray he pulled out each item one by one knowing he'd win her approval. Her eyes danced like a kid at Christmas as he pulled out a cheeseburger, large fries, and vanilla milk shake. With the new items on her tray he removed the unwanted hospital food and looked at her smugly.

Her face crept into a smile and his heart couldn't help but flutter at seeing her smile at something he did. "Derek...I don't even know what to say." She was speechless, utterly speechless. It had been so long since he had gone out of his way to please her, it almost felt like a dream.

She blamed her hormones. Something so simple as a fast food meal was making her eyes water with sentiment. "I wasn't sure what you were in the mood for...so I just went with the most unhealthy thing I could find." She shook her head in approval as she dug into her fries not even bothering to take a breath before sucking down a good bit of the milkshake.

He laughed, a big throaty laugh that felt foreign to him. "I know when you were pregnant with Ava you loved milkshakes...I wasn't sure if that was the case now.." Suddenly the laughter was gone and his face had turned more dark and serious. He seemed to be contemplating something and Meredith noticed the change immiedietly.

"Have the cravings started yet?" He asked...feeling a little left out of the loop. He was going to be a father..again...and yet he barely new anything about his wife's pregnancy. He didn't even know how far along she was...or her due date...and the thoughts suddenly came to him draining all the happiness from his features.

Sensing the tension in the room Meredith sat down her food and looked at him, willing him to ask her the questions he so longingly wanted to know the answers to. Feeling suddenly awkward she spoke up, not wanting to sit in silence any longer.

"No, I mean not really...you haven't missed anything don't worry..not like you wouldn't mind missing that.." She joked, trying to bring light to the suddenly dark room and it fell short as Derek did not respond.

He looked away from her and sat down in the chair next to her bed. "You're making light of it.." He ran his fingers through his hair and couldn't suppress the groan that came out of his mouth.

She shook her head feeling stupid for even joking about it and went into action trying to make it better. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that...it's just..it's still early.."She trailed off not even finishing her thought. Derek looked up at her his expression unreadable.

"I just feel out of the loop you know? Jesus..I don't even know how far along you are." He was looking at her, his eyes reflecting all the pain he was feeling. Meredith was going to apologize again, she was going to cry and get upset, and tell him how sorry she was for keeping it from him, but then in an instant she decided it was best to move on from that.

"I was about six weeks along when I had the first ultra sound...Addison did it just as a precaution. I um..I didn't even see it coming. One day, while you were in New York it just hit me...all the symptoms were there..I just didn't see them. I'm almost 9 weeks along now...and I haven't really gotten a due date yet."

Meredith told him, in one long sentence, barely pausing to breath. He listened, intently, taking it all in. She watched him, waiting for him to say something, knowing he was just thinking it all over in his head.

"I still just can't even believe it, we're having a baby...well two..." Derek took a sandwich out of the bag he had brought and busied himself unwrapping it. "We're going to be back to the bottles...and diapers..." "And not sleeping.." Meredith interrupted voicing her own concerns with the pregnancy.

Derek looked at her again and finally got the courage to ask her what had been digging into his mind since the night before. "Do you want to have this baby? I mean...are you excited?" Meredith barely took a moment to think before giving him her complete honest answer.

"I didn't at first...I thought...'what a horrible time to be pregnant..' but then..I could just imagine having another beautiful kid like Ava...and I was sold."

"And now that you know it's twins...are you still sold?" He was asking because he had to know, he had to understand what she was thinking if they were ever going to work through things.

Meredith smiled and reached for her milkshake again. "Well, I'm scared shitless...but I think I'm even more sold now." She sipped the foamy shake through her straw watching Derek out of the corner of her eye.

He smiled, a genuine smile. "Yeah, me too." He replied softly...still smiling and watching her in awe, wondering just how he ever got so lucky.


	28. Chapter 28

The door to Meredith's hospital room opened loudly the next day and Meredith couldn't hide the disappointment as she watched Cristina walk in with a wheel chair. Meredith was sitting on the edge of her bed, a small bag at her side, more than ready to get out of the hospital.

Shotting Cristina a confused look she got off the bed and stretched her still tired muscles. "Where's Derek?" She asked trying to hide the hint of disappointment. "Oh, he got tied up in surgery so he asked me to bring you home." Cristina said matter of factly, not really pausing to let Meredith respond she heaved the small bag over her shoulder and pointed to the wheel chair.

"Cristina...I'm not letting you push me in that..I can walk..I'm not dying." Meredith said in disbelief. Knowing it was going to be a struggle Cristina had come prepared and looked at Meredith sharply.

"You know it's hospital rules, I need to be back here in an hour so get your ass into this chair!" She almost yelled..and Meredith was a little stunned with her reaction. After much debate, she finally gave in and sat down in the chair.

Making their way through the hospital Meredith tried to avoid the sympathetic stairs passer by's were shooting her way. She felt pathetic...being pushed around like an invalid.

"I'll remember this next time you're hospitalized!" She joked as her friend pushed her out into the rare sunshine of Seattle. Her thoughts turned to Derek, and she stopped listening to Cristina's description of the surgery she had done earlier.

He was supposed to pick her up, she didn't want to admit it to him, but she was excited for the chance to talk one on one with her husband. They had talked a little the day before, but it really didn't even scratch the surface of the things that needed t be delved into.

He seemed eager to pick her up, and be home with her, even though she hated the meddling and hovering, in the past year he hadn't hovered at all...and she missed it. Hell she just missed him, if hovering meant she got to see the man she loved she would let him hover all he wanted.

The ride home was uneventful and Cristina began to notice the silence awkward silence coming from the passenger side of the car. "What's wrong with you, I thought you'd be thrilled to be home?" Cristina asked while focusing her attention on the traffic in front of her.

Sighing she let her fingers fiddle with her shirt before looking over and answering, "I thought Derek was coming to get me? What case was he working on..he said he would be done for the day?" Meredith was growing annoyed with her husband and the familiar hurt had crept back into her chest.

She had heard his excuses many times before, and most times, he seemed only half apologetic. Meredith thought things had changed...she was sure he was really going to make an effort, had she been wrong?

Instead of throwing at her usual sarcastic remark about her wanting Mcdreamy more than her, Cristina just shrugged and cursed at the car in front of her. "He said something about an emergency, I wasn't really paying attention...er..you know how he gets when he's in the surgery zone." She seemed a little nervous as she drummed her fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. Meredith however, didn't notice as she was too busy staring at the side of the road endlessly lost in depressing thoughts.

The two didn't really speak as they drove onto the land and Meredith couldn't help but smile at the sight of her house. They had built their dream house almost a full year after they had been married. They had always planned to build it, but the upcoming birth of Ava speed up the process and 450,000 dollars and 5 months later they had their home.

Meredith had never really thought about her own house, in face when Derek brought her ideas for the floor plan she shrugged and said "surprise me." But once building began, it was hard for her to not add her own touches. Balancing planning, work, and being pregnant was grueling, but planning at the same time.

It was a Victorian style house, with yellow siding and white trim. It had 5 bedrooms..which she insisted were too many, but Derek was always in love with the idea of a big family. The back of the house faced the lake which was still a good distance away. The view of the early morning sun glistening off the lake was one neither Meredith or Derek wanted to part with. The house was neither huge, nor tiny, and though Addison felt it was a bit too countryish for her taste, the Shepherds thought it was perfect.

Cristina looked around, her eyes scanning back and forth from the house to driveway as if she were looking for something. Meredith caught her odd behavior this time and went to say something, but was too preoccupied with the thought of being back in her house.

Walking into the foyer was like heaven to her. The warm, comforting smell filled her nostrils and her first thought was to just walk through every room. In the kitchen she noticed everything was cleaned to perfection and not a dish lay out of place. She was never horribly messy, but it was always the long running joke that Meredith was definetly not the clean freak in the marriage.

With Ava acting up, and Derek gone, she had definetly let the house get out of order. Remembering the unorganized state it was in when she left she found it hard to believe the immaculate condition of it now. Cristina followed her not amazed, and typed frantically away on her cell phone.

Meredith found the living room in the same condition and sighed seeing non of Ava's toys out wondering how the girl was making out at school that day. Derek had been canceling surgery after surgery, bringing the girl home, to school, and back home again. She knew it must have been rough on him with her in the hospital and she suddenly felt bad for being upset at him.

"Thanks for bringing me home, do you want something to eat before you go?" Meredith asked Cristina finally remembering her friend was there at all. Cristina looked around the house again with a puzzled look on her face. "Oh no, no I need to get going, I'll call you later!" Meredith opened her mouth to ask why she was acting so weird but Cristina had fled nervously out of the house before Meredith could get a word in.

Not understanding what was going on with her friend, Meredith trudged up the stairs eager to change out of her hospital smelling clothes. Opening her door she stopped dead in her tracks at her bedroom. Loosing her breath she looked around in wonder, still confused, not really understanding.

The room had been cleaned as well and the usual stacks of medical journals and discarded clothes were no where to be seen. A pile purple rose petals replaced the usual burgundy bedspread and she noticed that the trail led all the way to her master bathroom.

She could hear the water running, and an eerie feeling washed over her. She didn't know what to think. Her first thought was fear, checking her pocket to be sure she had her cell phone on her, she stepped lightly into the bathroom trying her best not to make any noise.

The sight in front of her took her breath away once again and she had to almost brace herself to keep from falling over. The room was slightly dark, the shades had been drawn. More purple petals were freely strewn until the trail led to a huge mound at the edge of her large corner jacuzzi tub.

The water was still running and she could see the purple petals floating just on top of the water. Candles of every shape and size littered the ground casting off a romantic glow. Their scent let off a flowery scent filling her nostrils and calming her and she breathed it in.

Soft ocean sounds were coming from the stereo in the corner and Meredith was confused again wondering who had done all this. She heard a noise behind her and jumped scared out of her mind.

Turning around she almost ran once again into her husband who's blue eye's met hers as he leaned against the door jam.


	29. Chapter 29

Meredith was startled and shocked to see Derek standing there. She was speechless and he caught her before she stumbled backwards into the lit candles. "Derek..wh..what are you doing here?" She hadn't yet connected the dots and she stood there looking at him her face full of confusion. 

He smirked at how naive she was being. "Well, I figured you wanted to relax, so I drew you a bath.." He was staring at her, waiting for her to close her mouth. Shaking her head she stepped away from him to take in the scene again. "Derek...Der, you did this?" She stuttered, she had no idea what to say. She couldn't believe he would do something like for her.

Derek smiled and stepped closer to her. She really bought his surgery story and it almost pained him to see she had really not thought he had done it the second she walked in.

"But..I thought you had surgery?" He brushed a stray hair out of her face and went to turn off the faucet. Reaching his hand in he tested the water to see it was the right temperature.

"I had to practically bribe Cristina to get her to play along with that story." The pieces finally fit together for Meredith and she let out a loud sigh. "Wow...I, I can't believe you did this for me." She looked so shocked he had trouble keeping his laughter from erupting.

"I know, I've really messed up this year, but I want you to know I'm going to do everything I can to fix this...and that starts with doing things for you...like I used to.." Still surprised she shook her head and moved closer to the bathtub peering into the flowery scented water.

"Derek, this is beautiful." She didn't know what to say, she felt like crying again, and turned her head quickly so he couldn't see the glisten in her eyes. "Meredith, look at me.." She didn't turn around right away and he closed the gap between him and put a hand on her shoulder turning her to face him.

He looked down into her eyes and saw all her emotions held within them. "Hey, it's ok." He whispered and pulled her closer into his embrace. She didn't cry, but held onto him for dear life enjoying the feel of him embracing her. After several minutes she let go and they fell into an awkward silence.

"I took the day off, so why don't you relax in the bath and I'll make us some lunch." She didn't move and just stood at the bathtub. She had to admit, it did look enticing. "Go on Meredith, look I'm going, I wont even watch you undress." He joked, and she smirked, but a part of her wished he would stay...and soak in the large tub with her. It was the reason they had gotten such a big tub in the first place, but their grueling schedules never gave them the chance to actually use it.

He saw the hint of regret in her eyes and acted like he didn't. He wanted nothing more than to peel off all her clothes and lay curled up with her in the tub. But, he couldn't...they weren't there yet, and he turned around as she began peeling pulling her shit over her head.

Leaving her alone he closed the door and tried not to imagine her naked body lounging in the tub. He had to busy himself downstairs in order to get the thoughts away.


	30. Chapter 30

  
An hour later Derek sat alone in the kitchen drumming his thumbs on the table with impatience. With a glance over at the counter he frowned knowing at the sight of the now cold and unpleasant looking grilled cheese he had made for Meredith. 

She had never come down to get her lunch, and he hadn't heard any sounds from upstairs so he assumed she was still in the bathtub. He was getting anxious and nervous. He wanted her to relax, though she seemed not really in the mood for it so he assume she would have jumped at the chance to eat real home cooked food.

After fifteen more impatient minutes, his worries got the best of him and he took the steps two at a time eager to find out what Meredith was doing. Stepping into his bedroom there was an eerie silence and he noticed the door was still shut. He knocked once, softly, and put his ear to against the wood listening for sounds from the bathroom.

He heard nothing, and suddenly his heart dropped unsure of what she was doing. "Meredith?" He called loudly through the door. Getting no answer, he began to worry even more.

He never really thought about her accident so many years ago. They rarely discussed it and Meredith seemed to shrug it off like it never happened. Derek, however, would still have nightmares from time to time. His biggest fear was loosing Meredith and his daughter and unless he did something incredibly stupid, accidents seemed to be the only way that would happen.

Meredith had laughed at him, the day he had an iron gate installed making a large, fenced in back yard. He wanted to take no chances with Ava and the lake. He fought Meredith on the pool for weeks, but finally gave in when she agreed to have a custom cover installed that at the touch of the button, covered the pool with a cover so strong 4 adults could stand on it.

He felt like he was having deja vu standing at the door waiting for Meredith to emerge from the bathtub. That's how it had all started that day...that day she had drowned. His veins were running cold and his heart nearly stopped as the memories from that day flooded his mind. How long had she been up there silent...sinking into the water? She would never do that again..she couldn't...they were getting better.

In a sudden panic he pushed open the door so fast it slammed into the wall behind it. The scent of lavender overwhelmed him and squinting into the candle lit room he saw her, and gave a sigh of relief.

She was laying in the tub, her head lulled to the side and he knew she was sleeping by the loud snores coming out of her. He smiled, letting the panic subside and allowing his breathing to return to a normal level.

Once he was thinking normally he was able to take in the scene in front of him. Her hair was wet an stuck in little strings around her face. The bubbles had faded, allowing him to see the tops of her breasts bobbing in the water. Her skin was flowing in the candlelight and his pants grew suddenly tighter just taking in her natural form.

He didn't wake her, instead he just sat and took in her beauty. They never had these moments any more. Moments where he could just sit and watch her sleep. Or..maybe they did have them and he just let them pass by without a second thought.

She wasn't sure what woke her, she didn't even remember falling asleep, but looking around she let out a frightened gasp at realizing she wasn't alone in the room. "Jesus Derek, you scared me." He sat next to her...just watching her and couldn't hide his smile.

"I'm sorry I wanted to let you sleep for awhile, I made you lunch...it's downstairs..a little cold, but still good." She forced a smile and sat up in the tub rolling her neck around. The odd position she had slept in caused a knot and she moaned in pain as she rolled it around.

Her whole upper body was exposed now as she sat up and the tightening feeling in his pants had returned once again. He tried to shake it off, knowing he had to stop thinking of sex when so much needed to be talked about.

Noticing the sudden lust in his eyes she broke her eye contact with him and suddenly felt very exposed sitting naked in front of him. He cleared his throat, trying his best to ignore the blood flowing to his lower parts. "I have to run and get Ava, you should get out and eat something..you're probably a prune by now."

He noticed her slight frown as she looked at her hands. "I miss her Derek...I really do..but I can't handle seeing her hate me...it just...it kills me." She refused to meet his eyes and he knew instantly it was something she had been dwelling over for awhile.

Coming closer to her he knelled by the edge of the tub and put his hands gently on her shoulders and began kneaded them in slow circles. She moaned again, which did nothing for the slight problem he had developed but he was glad she was enjoying it.

"I'm going to talk to her about it Meredith. Mark said he already did...but it's my fault she is acting out..I should be the one to talk to her." She was silent for awhile, agreeing with him and still worrying over seeing Ava.

Suddenly his tongue was gliding over her shoulders and she let out another moan surprised by the sudden contact. Her body tingled at his touch and she found herself lost in it, but then came back to reality and tried to shake him off.

"Derek, we really can't fix this with sex..." He could hear the desire in her voice...like she had only said it because she knew it was the right thing. She wanted him, she felt like pulling him into the tub with her..but knew it wouldn't feel right until things were ok.

He was hovering over her shoulders now and rested his chin on them stopping to whisper in her ear. "I know..." He whispered and then sighed and she rested her head against his in understanding. Standing up was hard for him to do, his body ached for relief and he left the room in search of something other than a cold shower before he could pick up his daughter.


	31. Chapter 31

Derek arrived at Ava's school just after she had woken from nap. It was an early surprise for the teacher's who were used to having Ava until at least 5:00. According to her teacher, Miss, Heather, Ava had had a wonderful day...a certain surprise from the last couple weeks.

"Daddy, I made you a picture!" She exclaimed from the backseat as they drove away from the large brick building. The school was closer to the hospital than to their actual house and for once he was glad for the extra 20 minutes of driving. It would give him time to assess Ava's mood, and talk her out of her Meredith hating.

"Did you draw one for mommy too?" He tried...not knowing what the answer would be. "Yeah silly! Can you turn my songs on now?" Derek smiled but shook his head no, knowing he had to talk to her first. 'At least she drew her a picture!' He thought as he pondered ways to best bring up the subject.

"What did you do while you were at Aunt Addison's?" He asked, hoping it would be a good casual way in. "I dunno...I forget..can I please have my songs?" She was getting antsy now, kicking her legs against the back of his seat.

"Ava we have to talk first...then you can listen to your songs." "My teacher says that when I get in trouble..." She almost whispered, and he instantly felt bad. "No, you're not in trouble...I just..I need to know why you don't like your mommy anymore.."

He had said it..and it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Ava was silent and he thought she was going to ignore him completely, but then a cheerful voice replied, "I don't hate mommy silly." She sounded as sincere as a 4 year old could sound and Derek almost choked in shock.

He was confused...and not sure how she made a complete turn around in just 48 hours. "Oh...ok good..because mommy loves you very much...and she would be sad if you didn't like her anymore."

After laughed, an infectious giggle like her mothers, that made Derek's heart tingle each time he heard it. "That's what uncle Mark said too!" Derek found that funny...yet odd considering his advice was never anything a 4 year old could hear.

"Oh yeah, what else did Uncle Mark tell you?" He was sort of curious to know what they had talked about. He had asked Mark..and he refused to telling him simply saying, "That's between the monster and Me." Before walking away. It made Derek kind of nervous, and a little jealous at the fact that Mark had a chance to talk one on one with his daughter.

"Um...I dunno. I forget. Oh yeah, he told me mommy didn't do anything bad and you did! That wasn't nice daddy, I even told my teacher and she said you needed a time out!" The car almost came to a complete stop as Derek listened to her talking. He could not beieve what had just come out of her mouth.

True, it was his fault, but that was a little much for her to know...and Ava was telling people...no wonder the teachers were looking at him funny. He was caught off guard and was sure his cheeks were a rosy shade of pink. Still...he couldn't be mad. No matter what Mark said, it seemed to have worked...and to the best of his knowledge his daughter had come back without knowing the birds and the bees so he was thankful for that.

Meredith sat in the kitchen devouring the rest of her lunch nervously awaiting Derek to return home. She was full of nervous anticipation waiting to see her daughter. Finally the door opened and the sound of Ava calling out ot her was music to her ears.

In a flash Ava was in her arms and nothing felt better. "I made you a picture!" She said loudly, trying to wiggle out of Meredith tight grasp. Meredith let her go so that Ava could display her picture proudly.

Looking at the picture with a smile on her face Ava rattled off the names of each member of their family. It was a family portrait to include all the members of her "Seattle family" as she called them...even though she was well aware they weren't her real family like the Shepherds.

"And this is you...and daddy...and me.." Meredith pointed to a small person next to Derek. "Is that you?" "Oh no! That's my new baby!" Meredith gasped and looked sharply at Derek who was standing in the doorway.

He gave her the same confused look before walking over to the pair. "Ava, what new baby?" He knew neither of them had even brought up the subject with her...and he really hoped Mark hadn't told her by accident.

"Oh well I told Aunt Addy I wanted a baby and she said if I wished really really hard then it would come!" Derek smiled and took the picture from Ava to hang on the fridge.

He gave Meredith a questioning look that she understood without him having to say anything and in one swoop he had picked Ava up and sat her on her mother's lap. "Ava, you are going to have a baby. Soon, you will have a new baby brother or sister." Derek told her, looking at Meredith for conformation.

Ava sat wide eyed staring back and forth between her parents. "Actually, you are going to have two babies to play with." Ava eyes widened and she seemed to ponder this for a moment.

Meredith grew nervous when Ava did not respond and looked to Derek in alarm. Just before Derek was going to step in Ava clapped her hands and let out a loud squeal. "Can their names be Cinderella!!?" Derek laughed and grabbed Ava off Meredith's lap.

"Princess, what if they're boys? We can't name them Cinderella if they are boys!" Ava laughed as he tickled her and told her father, in a very stern voice..."They wont be boys! Boys are silly." Meredith gave Derek a "I told you so" look and they set off for the living room. Neither had even brought up the topic of sexes...or baby names...or even how Ava would react, but in that moment, it didn't matter.


	32. Chapter 32

  
Meredith awoke to the end credits of The Little Mermaid playing on the TV. Groggy from sleep she was confused until she remembered how her and Derek had been watching the movie with Ava. 

She tried to move her arm, but couldn't, and soon realized it was because Ava was sound asleep at her side. Looking over she found Derek sprawled on the other side of Ava and staring at her with a far away look in his eyes.

She jumped a little, not expecting to see him watching her. "Were you watching me sleep again?" She asked, only partially annoyed. She shifted her now numb arm out from under Ava and used it to brush the stray hairs out of her daughter's face.

"Well...I haven't watched in awhile, I figure I've got a lot of times time to make up for." Meredith nodded in agreement and avoided his strong gaze. She felt like he bore deep into her soul with those eyes and after not seeing that look for so long, it almost scared her now.

"I should get Ava upstairs...I had no idea it was this late..." She said, after checked the clock above the mantel and then moving to get up. With a flick of his rest Derek had stopped her movements and interrupted her abrupt attempts to change the subject.

"You're supposed to be resting remember? I'll take her up." He chuckled, knowing Meredith was going to hate being idle for the next few days. Rolling her eyes as a reply they were thrown back into an uncomfortable silence.

"Is it always going to be this awkward?" She asked, in a timid voice. A slight blush crept over her face and she kicked herself for feeling so awkward and shy around her own husband.

Making a sound in the back of his throat he considered her question before replying, "I hope not...I can't imagine it will be." Meredith was ok with his answer, the comforting sound of his voice could make anything he said sound ok.

"So...I was thinking earlier about some things.." He started, and she held her breath not knowing where he was going. "Ava's really been taking this hard and I was thinking maybe I should move back in." Meredith wasn't expecting that at all and looked at him not able to say anything.

She had words, but they wouldn't come out. She wanted him there, but then would things really get fixed? Or, would they just slip back into their old habits of sweeping it all under the rug? Derek was getting nervous at her lack of opinion, so he began to ramble on about the topic.

"Ava's just not herself...and I think me moving out was too hard on her, I'm not blaming you at all, and I know you need space and we need to work things out, so I was thinking...I could just stay in the spare room while we get things together..."

Meredith nodded...taking it all in and still stared at him with a blank look on her face. She would have him back, family meals, tucking Ava in...a normal routine...it all sounded so nice and she kept thinking of the scenarios over and over in her head.

Finally, she looked at Derek, really looked at him and saw how nervous and borderline panicked his features were. His brows were creased and his hands were running nervously through his hair.

"Yes, yes I think Ava would love that...and you can stay in the guest room your mom uses...I'd like that..I mean Ava would..." She was fumbling over her words nervously and he laughed and stopped her chatter when he put his index finger to her lips.

It took him some skill to lean over Ava without waking her up, but somehow he managed and kissed Meredith lightly on the lips. "Ok then, he replied, not being able to keep the grin off his face.

"Let's get this one up to bed." Meredith agreed and he picked up Ava and whispered soothing words into her ear as she began to stir in his arms. As she followed Derek up the steps with their daughter, Meredith was the one who couldn't stop smiling.


	33. Chapter 33

  


Ever since Derek moved in it was like a switch had been flicked on and Meredith finally realized she was pregnant. Suddenly she had cravings from anything from tacos to peaches. He couldn't keep up with the grocery list it seemed like every time he managed to get a handle on one food she had moved on to the next. She hadn't had cravings until about her fifth month with Ava...he wasn't used to them anymore...in fact, he wasn't even prepared for them.

Ava was looking at him waiting for a response to the question she already knew the answers to. He sighed, annoyed at the fact he had been called into fill out paperwork even after he had asked for the day off...his best friend was the chief...you'd think that would mean something!

"They're coming in February Ava...I told you that already." Ava frowned and began to draw still unhappy with being in the hospital instead of in the pool at home. A few minutes passed in relative silence and he kept glancing up at her feeling a little bad for the fact that he was growing annoyed with her questioning.

Just as he was able to finally concentrate on a few case files, he looked down to find her beside him and pulling at his leg. "Daddy, maybe we can name them Cinderella and Harry!" He tried to ignore her, so he could finish the last sentence of his paragraph but knew there was no hope for that when she started poking his side.

"Daddy, daddy, I'm right here!" She was not pleased with his lack of attention and as he looked down at her face he could have sworn he saw Meredith staring back at him. "Maybe Cinderella and Sammy!" He groaned a little too loud and he allowed her to crawl into his lap knowing he wasn't going to get work done anytime soon.

"Honey, your cousins names are Harry and Sammy we can't name our babies that too. Do you remember all their names?" She had been obsessed with her cousins every since they had gone to New York to visit and luckily, the one good thing Nancy taught her were how to recite all their names.

Ava smiled and began her little sing song recital of their names and Derek made little noised of approval but was really preoccupied with his file. "Harry, Sammy, Ethan...right daddy?" "Uh huh..go on.." "Vanna...Haily, Gabby, Matty, Tristan, Taylor...Regan..." "Good...who else?" He was buying himself some time hoping she could remember all of them without him having to stop and think who she'd missed. He loved his family..but he was the first to admit there were too many kids to keep track of.

"Danny, Faith, Bella and Ava that's me! Bella's little like me but I'm the littlest but Aunt Nancy said I'm very cuter because Bella is chunky. What's that mean daddy?" Derek hadn't noticed she had stopped and was sorry when she yelled in his ear, "Daddy what's chunky mean?" He groaned and threw his pen down giving up on getting anything done.

"It means heavy...kind of fat like Santa Clause." She wiggled down off his lap and occupied her self by pulling open all his drawers. "Oh like mommy will be soon?" Derek's far head creased and he even though it was the truth, he wasn't sure he wanted her going around telling her mother she was getting fat.

"Ava, you'll make mommy very sad if you call her chunky...you'll make us all sad...please please don't call her that." He stuttered and grabbed his stapler from her before she could staple herself with it.

"Call me what?" Derek heard a familiar voice by the door and cringed to see Meredith had slipped her way in the room. "That depends how long you have been standing there..?" He joked, trying not to offend his already semi-moody wife.

"Not long at all.." She countered back with a look of amusement on her face. "Well, I told Ava not to call you beautiful to your face or you might get a big head." He teased and she rolled he eyes knowing that was most likely far from the truth.

"Mommy, silly, he told me not to call you chunky like Bella!" Ava ran over to her mother and launched herself into her arms and began fishing through her lab coat pockets where she knew Meredith always kept some kind of sweet.

Arching her eye brow at Derek she handed Ava a starburst and let the little girl go to town at ripping off the paper and stuffing it into her mouth. "Did he know? That's because he knows what's good for him." She played, though really very serious.

The smile on her face brightened up his day. He loved to see her happy, he went to get up but then looked at the mound of paper work he had sitting in front of him. Meredith on the other hand was eyeing his curiously...too curiously. She wasn't only studying him, she was looking him up and down. It made him a little uncomfortable.

"Do I have something on me? Why are you staring at me?" He questioned and she didn't falter in her stare. "Oh um...nothing." She stuttered. "You're wearing the blue shirt, I like the blue shirt." Her cheeks suddenly flushed, but she was still staring and he couldn't help but get turned on by the way she was looking at him. Did he just imagine her eyes darken with lust?

"Meredith, I know that look, what is it?" She finally stopped looking at him and looked down suddenly embarrased. "Oh, it's just my latest craving...I'm over pop tarts..." He smirked knowing she was always so hesitant to ask him for anything. "Ok well what is it I'll pick it up on my way home?"

She looked at him again, not sure what to say. Her problem was...she didn't want anything from any store, she wanted him...naked on top of the desk. She shook her head getting rid of the dirty images and tried to remember that her 4 year old was on her hip.

She felt the need to make something up, knowing she couldn't really ask him for sex...they were talking...taking it slow...and hadn't really discussed sex. He took the cap of his pen into his mouth and began to chew on it out of habit and she felt her knees go weak watching his swollen lips tear at the pen. Oh what those lips can do to me... she thought but then tried to get rid of the thoughts again.

"Oh, it's peanut butter." It was the first thing that popped into her head and she thought about how dumb it sounded. They had tons of peanut butter at home, it's all Ava ever eats for lunch. "Mer, we have that at home, but I mean I'll get more if you want it."

"Yeah...oh I want the chunky kind..you know the kind with the peter pan on the jar?" She was making things up now, trying her best to keep her mind off those lips and  
that pen.

He looked at her, rather confused, but then again...she was pregnant and wasn't about to deny her a craving. "Ok, I'll get some on my way home." Her cheeks were burning now and she could feel the redness creeping up her neck. Her panties were growing wetter by the minute and she knew she had to get out of there before she gave Ava an early lesson about sex education.

"Why don't I take her down to the cafeteria? I have an hour off and Izzie's dying to see her." Derek nodded, still confused, but relieved that he could at least get some work done. "By chunky daddy!" Ava called and he could hear her giggle all the way down the hallway.


	34. Chapter 34

Stepping into onto the cold tile floor of the bathroom, the droplets of water immediately cooled on Meredith's freshly cleaned skin. She allowed the shower door to slam shut and began to shiver almost instantly as the rush of cool air produced goose bumps all over her body.

With a swipe of her hand she wiped the mirror free of midst and stared at the reflection of her naked body. Her hands began a slow journey over her wet skin starting at her arms and working their way all the way down to her stomach where she stopped to examine the bump that was becoming more obvious by the day.

Turning to the side she looked at her profile and ran her fingers over the skin that was already beginning to stretch. She was bigger than she was at the same time during her first pregnancy, and she cringed at the thought of how huge she was going to get in the following months.

Seeing her naked body in the mirror sent instant imaged of Derek's body entangled with hers...writhing and groaning with each touch. The urge to have him inside her was back now with a vengeance. All day she had fought the need to back him up against the wall of his office. She had even thought seriously about sending Ava to the hospital daycare for the day just so she could get her hands on his perfectly shaped body.

But, surgery after surgery had plagued her and her unwillingness to admit her latest craving to Derek had produced no such results. He had left sometime after lunch and the knowledge of him gone helped at first, but then she'd pass a familiar hallway or closet and think of their last sexcapade in that spot...and suddenly her body was sent into overdrive all over again.

Her breasts were throbbing now, and she ran her hands over them stopping to pay close attention to her aching nipples. It sent bolts of electricity through her body and she moaned and then suddenly stopped realizing the it sounded foreign and lonely in her empty bathroom.

She was loud during sex...she always had been and it had been the reason Derek had insisted Ava's room not share a wall with there's. He loved hearing her moan, just the simple sound could turn him on in an instant. It felt wrong without Derek there to hear it.

She pictured Derek, in that instant running his large, well practiced hands over her body and suddenly all she could think about was release. Her body ached and all thoughts of taking things slow left her.

Wrapping a towel around herself she made her decision and stepped out of the large master bathroom. The room he was staying in was just down the hall, the guest room closest to Ava's room...so close...yet so far. Her bare feet barely made any noise as she padded down the hallway in search of her husband.

It was late when she had gotten home from work, he usually would wait up for her, out of habit. She would find him half asleep on the sofa or out on the deck relaxing. But tonight, the exhaustion of taking care of Ava all day must have finally caught up to him.

His door was ajar, but the room was dark and quiet. She could see the faint light from his bedside lamp peering out from under the door. Pushing the door open it creaked, and she cringed thinking it would instantly wake up the light sleeper. But, to her surprise he slept right through it and she crept in one foot at a time until she standing right over his sleeping form.

He was laying on his back, a book propped on his chest where he must have fell asleep reading it. She suddenly felt guilty waking him up and the nervousness that had kept her from acting on her craving all day came back. What was she doing trying to seduce her husband...she's the one that suggested taking time apart...and now she was using him for sex? She was disgusted with herself and went to turn back around but the aching in her breasts stopped her.

"He's my husband...he owes me..." She thought and dropped the now moist towel to the floor. It was cooler in his room, but she didn't notice due to the heat radiating through her body. He looked so peaceful in sleep and she thought about the best way to wake him. Perhaps she wouldn't have to wake him at all...maybe he would just sleep right through her motions thinking it was a dream. It had happened before...only once after Ava was born and they were both too tired to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time.

His head turned to face her on the pillow and he made a small noise in his sleep almost like he knew she was standing there. The noise shot right to her aching center...reminder her of other noises he was so good at making.

Deciding in an instant what to do she carefully climbed up onto the bed so that she was sitting on her knees facing him and removed the book from his chest. He stirred a little, but was still asleep to her amazement and she slowly pulled the sheet off of his body and stared down at his bare chest. He was clad only in boxers and she was glad knowing it would only make her task easier.

She positioned himself onto his waist and slid up so she could reach his lips. His breath hitched and her body went limp thinking he was waking up, but his eyes never opened and she continued her assault to his neck.

She needed him turned on if her needs were going to be met and she knew the fastest way to get him there. His musky scent was turning her on even more and she lightly kissed under his ear and down his neck running her tongue over all the spots she knew he loved.

He moaned in his sleep and she smirked knowing she was definetly getting what she wanted. "Derek." She whispered into his ear in a lusty voice she didn't even know she had in her. He moaned again, but this time it was more like a sleepy response, though his still remained shut and she wasn't sure he was really awake.

Kneeling down she began to kiss his chest and allow her tongue to run over his nipples and then back up to his neck. "Derek wake up." She cooed as she moved down...lower onto so that she was sitting directly onto of his now hardened member. She was pleased that he had responded that quickly, even in sleep.

His breath hitched again and his eyes flew open. He looked at her confused and blinked trying to figure out what was happening. The mix between dream and reality was hitting him at an alarming pace and it was hard to fight the sleepy haze in his head.

"Mer?" He asked, his voice low and drowsy. His eyes focused on her but he was only looking at her face, too confused to realize she was sitting naked on top of him. "Are you ok? I left the peanut butter downstairs.." He rubbed his eyes and she was surprised that his first instinct was to be concerned, even though in the past she had woken him from sleep for this purpose many times before.

"I don't want it...my craving was for you..." She stopped talking abrubtly and left him stuttering and even more confused as she got off of his lap and bent down to take him penis in her mouth in one quick motion. He had gone a little soft, at waking up, and now he was instantly hard again as her tongue slid up and down his shaft.

"Meredith...what are you doing?" He put his hands on her shoulders trying to stop her movements but she suddenly plunged her mouth around his sensitive tip and shock went through his body. "Meredith.." It was meant to be a question...but came out as a moan as his body took over and his mind went blank.

She stopped her movements and smirked at him as she sat once again over his groin and began rocking, causing friction. He looked at her and saw the lust in her eyes...the lust he had seen all day...but ignored. His mind turned back on and he shook his head and stilled her movements with his hands.

She refused to stop and lifted herself up to position herself above him and then sat back down and this time he was inside her...filling her up and he groaned involuntarily forgetting what he was going to say.

Her eyes were still focused on him and she was making small moans in the back of her throat as she lifted up and then sat back down him again causing his hips to buck widely into her. His eyes slambed shut and then suddenly opened as if finally realizing what was going on.

"Mer...what..are you doing?" She didn't stop her movements and moved her hips from one direction to the other loving the feel of him inside of her. "What..." She let out another moan as she pulled him back into her. "Does it look like?" Her voice was high pitched and he knew he was bothering her from the tone of it.

"I know...Ohhh.." He could barely even make out the words as she leened down over him allowing him to go deeper inside of her. His mind was so conflicted with his body that he was groaning and trying to get her to stop at the same time.

"You wanted to take it slow...you...oh my god..." He almost yelled as she picked up the pass and slambed into him harder causing his balls to make a slick noise against her ass. He let his hips jerk and rock into her before he finally gave up and let his body take control.

"Derek...I need you, please...just fuck me." He hadn't heard her be so vulgar in the longest time and all thought left him as he flipped her over in the most gentle way possible. Bringing her legs up around his shoulders he kissed her, allowing his tongue to dive deep into her mouth and then duel with hers as she brought her hips up to meet his and they began slamming into each other again.

She was panting and moaning and barely stop the screams and he pounded into her over and over again. "Mer...you feel so good." He barely got out before she screamed out for him to fuck her harder. He rubbed his fingers over her clit and dove into her again harder than before wanting to please her and at the same time gain his own release.

He could feel her body tightening getting ready to explode and he rubbed her clit again and with a final scream of his name she was coming...her inner muscles were tightening so hard around him he could barely suppress his own yell as she came. He pounding into her once more before his own release hit him and he was plunged into ecstasy.

There movements finally ceased and he collapsed on top of her panting and listening to her heavy, satisfied breathing. "Oh god Derek thank you." She breathlessly let out before running her hands over his back.

He was out of breath and confused...and so drowsy from sex that he could barely function. Feeling her body beneath him he remembered he was probably crushing her and slid to the side of her and stared at the wonder of her changing body. She was getting bigger by the day and he suddenly couldn't keep his eyes of her stomach, knowing it was something he didn't see naked every day.

Still panting and her body sleek with sweat and the remainder of her shower she moved closer to him and to his surprise she snuggled up to him allowing her body to fit nicely into his chest. Wrapping his arms around him she allowed him to turn onto his back and she laid back down, settling onto his chest and then she was asleep just like that.

He laid there...with his hands running through her soft hair for hours...still confused...but content and finally he fell asleep wondering how many more times he would be woken up before the night was through.

Derek's warm body was still pressed against her when she woke up hours later. Though she was exhausted, her internal clock was telling her her daughter would be waking up soon. Her head was still buried in Derek's chest, her hair sticky and mated down to his hot skin.

She felt sweaty, and gross, in desperate need of a shower, but satisfied. Lifting her head up to look into his face she was met with his sleeping form again. His features were relaxed, and a warm feeling crept into her chest as she noticed his arms were still wrapped protectively around her.

Tiny bits of worry began to creep into her mind as she realized what exactly she had done the night before. Seduced her husband...practically raping him along the way...though he hadn't put up much a fight..she still knew it was something he was worried about.

She took a minute to just stare at his features, memorizing the wrinkle lines she never had the chance to notice before. They had come so far from themselves in the past year that sometimes she had to sit back and really remember who they were...what they were doing..and what exactly they were fighting for.

Extracting herself from his grasp was a task because his arms squeezed tighter as soon as she tried to slide out of them. She would have found it slightly annoying in the past, being trapped in his protective cocoon even in sleep, but today it brought a slight smile to her face and she cringed as she finally managed to roll out not wanting to wake him.

She was almost successfully out of the bed before she felt it shift under her. He had rolled over, his body radiating against her back, making her get away seem daunting. Why was she trying to escape back to their room? She had trouble remembering as his arms sought her out again and enveloped her back into his embrace.

"So you think you can just seduce me and then leave?" His voice startled her, and then sent tingles up her spine as he gruffly spoke into her ear. She needed to stay focused on her goal...out of bed...hallway...dressed...back into her bed...not naked..not with Derek.

His leg wedged itself between hers and he settled back down letting his breath fall against her neck. She fought the urge to moan at the sudden contact...tried to ignore how his hands were making rhythmic circles around her stomach. It seemed, by his shallow breathing that he had fallen back to sleep and she was almost glad knowing that if he really wanted to he could play her like a fiddle and turn her on in matter of seconds.

But his hands stayed on her stomach, not venturing up or down and she breathed easier, trying not to think that he was naked...trying not ponder how many times this had actually happened in recent history. They had gotten into the habit of not falling asleep naked since Ava was old enough to barge into their room at any time of morning...not like they had even had the chance to fall asleep together before she basically kicked him out of the house.

She wondered if he had ever missed it...if staying at the hospital all those nights was really worth not getting to touch your own wife. She had to shake off the feelings. Things were going well, he was trying, there was no need to get bitter and dredge it all up now.

She moved again out of his grasp, knowing she had to get away before she either a. got upset and was forced into another conversation about his absence, or b. got turned on defeated the whole purpose of trying to leave at all.

Leaving didn't really seem to be an option to him as he groaned in low in his throat and pulled her against him tighter, barely giving her room to breath. "Where.. are... you going?" He had whispered this time, pausing this time to breathe into her ear after every word.

She whined, actually whined, and then managed to pull her head away from his hot breath. "I have to go back before Ava gets up...she can't find us here naked..." She was keeping her head away from him, taking no chances on him.

Derek pulled his wrist out from around her and peered down to look at his watch. He could barely make it out in the dark room. "It's only 5 she wont be up for awhile, stop worrying." He gruffly told her and this time he read her mind and pulled her tighter before she could make her escape.

Before she could reply he let his finger tips roam up to her breasts stopping just to rest there...like he was thinking about it...and then let his hand cup her left breast taking in it's new size and shape.

"I can't believe I managed to miss these last night..." He whispered, and she bit her lip trying not to moan...desperate for an excuse to leave the room. His hand moved to her other breath and massaged it before moving to her nipple and giving it a small tweak.

Out of habit she slid tighter into his embrace gasping as her bare butt came in contact with his hard, burning penis. His hand stopped moving and he breathed deeply into her neck. "You still have that craving?" He asked, not daring to move. Her body was stiff now, tense, and trying not to react to the sudden wetness between her legs.

She thought about lying, thought about telling him it was a one time craving and just leaving it at that...but then his hand traveled lower to her thighs and parted her legs just enough to that he could graze over her now moist folds. There was no for her to respond, he could tell just by the wetness that was so warm and slick to his finger.

His mouth moved to her neck and he went to work planting soft kisses all around. She couldn't respond, all hope was lost when his finger found her swollen clit and massaged it in the way only Derek knew how. He knew her, god damn he knew her and it drove her crazy to think that someone could know her so well.

She kept her lips closed tightly, not wanting to let out any response that she was enjoying it, but he knew better. "Oh, I guess it was a one time thing...like the peanut butter.." He breathed into her ear at the same time he thrust two fingers into her warmth.

She moaned from the sudden pleasure and her hips bucked to meet his thrust. He was still behind her, trapping her...allowing her to feel his pulsing member burning into her backside. "Ohh...what's this? Maybe it wasn't one time after all..." He was teasing her now, knowing she was on the edge of breaking.

The lust in his own voice was unmistakable and in the back of his mind he prayed she would give in to his advances...needing his own release now. She still did not answer, and he took it as a good sign and thrust another finger into her and then stopped, waiting to see her reaction.

Her eyes rolled back and her moan was louder this time...more urgent. He knew, without a doubt he had gotten her now, but wanted her to admit it to him. "Answer me Meredith. I like when you tell me what you want." He shifted his body, allowing his penis to move against her butt causing him to groan at the feeling.

He took his now soaking fingers out of her and rubbed against her clit once more before venturing them back up to her breasts, leaving a trail of her own moisture along the way.

She still had not said anything, but she had a small frown on her face from the sudden lack of contact. "Do you want me to stop?" He asked, not really serious, knowing he was well beyond stopping at this point.

She shook her head no, and he smiled at how stubborn she was being. "Then tell me what you want." His statement came out more forceful now, as he rubbed into her backside once more. Their lack of sex in the past year had almost rendered him out of practice. He wasn't going to last long, not with her so ready and turned on.

He used his tongue to make small circles around her neck once more and his hands followed the same motion on each breast. Another moan came from her mouth that sent sudden ripples through his pulsing penis.

She bucked back into him and he groaned at the contact, needing to feel her against him. Running his hands down to her thighs once more he inserted two fingers and twisted them inside of her causing her to moan even louder.

"Is this what you want?" He was gruff, almost begging he was so turned on, but he needed to hear her say it. "No." She finally replied, but her hips proved her wrong as they lifted to meet his thrusts.

Removing his hand he brought it to his own member and positioned himself lower so that he was just outside of her opening. She gasped at the sudden contact and he his eyes snapped shut at the feeling of his sensitive tip against her wetness.

"Is this what you want?" He could barely get out as he slowly slid himself inside of her...once inch at a time...going painfully slow and trying to keep it that way, even though it was painful torture.

"Mmmm...yes..." She finally gave up and pushed her hips back into him causing him to slip all the way inside of her. His body tensed at first, at the sudden tightening feeling and then as her muscles relaxed to take him all the way in he groaned.

"Mer...jesus you're so wet." He wanted to take it slow, wanted to take his time and make love to her for all the time he hadn't in the past year but his body was burning with need.

"Oh..." She moaned...trying to say something back, but not being able to form any coherent words. "Der...Derek...please." She was begging him for release now, giving him permission to ravish her body.

Using his hand to lift her leg higher he thrust in deeper, and she moaned again bucking her hips widely to meet his him. He picked up the pace, not being able to fight the urge any more and found just the right spot he knew she enjoyed so much.

He lasted longer than he thought, and the head board was banging into the wall as proof his thrusts. The noise was mocking them...taunting them to the fact that Ava could barge in at any moment. Neither of them seemed to care, or notice as he dipped in and out of her listening to her cries of ecstacty. He could get off just from those alone, and suddenly he felt his muscles tense and knew he didn't have much time.

"God Mer...come for me..I'm almost there.." He couldn't finish before her, it was something they needed to do together. Moaning his name she used her hand to run over her breast, fondling her nipples in just the right way. Derek took the hint and pushed her hands out of the way rubbing her nipples roughly until she screamed his name.

"Derek, oh god please." He pounded into her even harder than before listening to her screams until they had both finished and collapsed once again beside each other. They were exhausted and panting and both too spent to worry about what position their daughter could find them in.


	35. Chapter 35

Meredith's craving for all that is sex seemed to intensify to the point where she couldn't go 8 hours without sex. It would have been a dream come true to any guy, but after two weeks of being woken up several times through out the night, he was exhausted.

After searching the entire hospital twice, Mark finally found Derek curled up asleep in the 4th floor lounge. He hadn't seen his friend in days. Derek was asleep and Mark thought about just leaving him alone, but it had taken him this long to find him, he wasn't about to just walk away.

"Derek!" There was no sound and Mark got closer bending over slightly to yell in his ear. "DEREK!" The loud noise in the quiet room jolted Derek awake and he sat up confused before looking angrily at his friend.

"Can't you see I was sleeping?" He snapped before trying to get comfortable again. Mark smirked and moved to grab a snack from the machine. "What the hell are you doing? I've been searching everywhere for you." The sound of Derek's shrill pager caused Derek to groan. Gripping at his pager he huffed as he looked at the number and then threw it on the floor with another groan.

"Is it an emergency?" Asked Mark before opening his bag of chips and shoving them into his mouth two at a time. Derek didn't respond, and rolled over so he could bury his face in the cushions of the uncomfortable hospital sofa.

"No. It's Meredith." His muffled voice replied. Mark shot him a confused look. "Um...since when do you get so unhappy when your wife pages you?" "I don't want her to find me, that would defeat the purpose of me hiding." He replied before sitting up and smoothing out his hair.

Tossing his chips aside Mark was really confused now and sat trying to comprehend what Derek was saying. "Am I missing something? What did you do this time?" Derek glared at him. "I didn't do anything! That's the problem." He was sort of humiliated, not wanting to talk to Mark about their sex life. Though they were friends again, some things were still not topics open for discussion.

Derek hesitated, but then began to speak letting it all spill out, feeling a little relieved that he had someone to talk to about it. "Meredith...has been craving sex..I guess it's the pregnancy..she's suddenly a nymph and I really can't handle it anymore."

Mark smirked and leaned forward suddenly interested in the conversation. "So you mean to tell me, Meredith, you're pregnant wife is forcing you to have sex...too much sex?" He was laughing, not believing Derek was complaining.

"Well...ugg..yes I guess she is..and I'm tired! I can't handle it, She wakes me up at least twice a night...I can't function on three hours of sleep!" Mark's laughing stopped when he realized his friend was serious.

"Wait...You mean to tell me that you screwed up your marriage, got kicked out, moved back in...don't even sleep in the same room as your wife and are getting laid more times than God? How the hell does that happen!?"

Derek rolled his eyes and went to stand up as his pager went off again. "It's not as glorious as it sounds. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm too tired to keep up, I just...need a good night's sleep." Derek was frustrated and as Mark looked at him he realized that his friend really did look exhausted.

"Did you try telling her? I mean...she's pretty reasonable." Derek shook his head as he pulled his white over coat back on. "She's not reasonable right now, she's morphed into a hormonal sex addict. I can't tell her no, she'll either kill me or get upset, and I don't want to hurt her like that. She's already nervous about her body and she's not even showing that much.

Mark stared at his friend, perplexed and unable to sympathize with his situation. "I'm sorry man, I just don't know what it's like to have too much sex..." "Trust me, you don't want to." Derek replied. His pager went off again and he reached his arm up to throw it before Mark stopped him.

"I came to find you to see if you could help Addison with a neonatal case, it'll probably keep you out of Meredith's way for at least a few hours." Derek smiled at his friend gratefully, and turned to leave the room. "You know, I can take her off your hands for awhile...you know, from one friend to the other, we could play swap wives, Meredith's kinky, she'll go for it..." He joked, but in a tone that sounded as if he was actually contemplating it.

Derek who was not in the mood for jokes just frowned at the thought of his friend sleeping with his wife. "Shut up Mark." Was his only reply before walking out of the room leaving Mark to ponder his own sex life, or lack there of.


	36. Chapter 36

"Why do I get the distinct feeling you're avoiding me?" Meredith asked, frustrated that all her attempts at contacting her husband all day had failed. Derek looked up from his lap top that was seated on his lap not even sure what to say. It was late, and they were both exhausted, was it really a good time to get into a discussion about their sex life?

Meredith's glare told him it was indeed time as she kicked off her shoes and sat down beside him in a huff. The living room was quiet, with only the dull roar of the air conditioner and the humming of his lap top for noise.

He couldn't stand her intense gaze and he closed his lap top and moved it to the coffee table. Turning to her he smiled and stared at her. She looked tired, and cranky and hadn't even bothered to change out of her dirty scrubs, but he couldn't help thinking how beautiful she looked.

"I haven't been avoiding you, I was just busy today." She frowned, not believing him for a second. "Too busy to answer your pager or phone? You're a bad liar so tell me why you are avoiding me...if I'm not allowed to avoid you're not either..it's part of our deal.."

It was Derek's turn to frown now and he looked away from her. She was right, he couldn't avoid...but how could he tell her without hurting her feelings? Meredith watched him expectantly, waiting for him to speak.

"It's just..this sex thing...I can't really keep up with your cravings." He paused, before looking at her and grew more nervous not being able to read her features. "I just, I'm exhausted...I need sleep..I can't have sex all night and not sleep." He felt relieved after he had said it and waited, nervously for her reply.

She watched him, silent, confusion mixed with a twinge of hurt on her face. Taking a hold of her hand and he moved into action making sure she was not offended by his statement. "The sex is great, trust me, I will never want to stop having sex with you, but I'm exhausted." He was looking at her again, waiting desperately for her to tell him she understood.

"That's why you've been avoiding me all day?" He nodded and then brought her hand to his lips grazing it lightly. She let out a sigh and seemed relieved. "Oh, I was worried." She admitted in a small voice and he pulled her closer and into his embrace.

"I was actually paging you to make sure you remembered out appointment with Addison tomorrow, you're the one whose mind was one sex all day not mine!" She played, hitting his arm and then turning around to face him.

He managed to hide his confused look, but not before Meredith caught a glimpse of it. "You do remember we have our appointment right?" Derek sighed as she pulled away from him in disbelief. "You forgot?" Her heart was falling in sudden disappointment.

"Meredith, I'm sorry, I've been so tired and stressed it just slipped my mind." He pulled her back to him but she moved out of his reach putting as much distance between them as possible. "It slipped your mind? The first time you are going to see your babies and it slipped your mind?" Her eyes grew wide and her voice started to rise and he realized he had a full fledge fight about to escalate if he didn't do something about it.

"You're right, I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. Please don't get worked up, it's not good for your blood pressure." Meredith glared at him, but his calming voice kept her from screaming again as she took in a few deep breaths to calm down.

"Tomorrow Mark lined me up for three back to back surgeries. Your appointment is at noon right?" He looked at her, waiting for a response. Before going on he scooted closer to her, wanting to be near her and close the gap that felt like an ocean between them.

"If I re-reschedule one and rush through the second I can probably make it there." Meredith looked at him and she couldn't hide the disappointment on her face. She shook her head and stood up and looked down at him.

"No Derek, you rescheduled too many surgeries when I was in the hospital, I can go alone...it's not that big of a deal. " She was lying, and he could tell by the sparkle that had left her eyes. He had suddenly ruined what would have been their first chance at really seeing their babies.

"It is a big deal Meredith. I want to be there, I have to be there." She could tell he was serious, his eyes were dark and guilt ridden. "If you wanted to be there so bad you would have remembered." She was getting angry once again, and didn't really care how he felt as she walked out of the room not stopping when he followed her out.

"No, don't go, I'll reschedule, it's not a big deal, Mark they will understand, these are my children." He stopped her right before she could reach the banister and turned her around. She looked at him with cold eyes. "I'm sorry." He pleaded, almost begging her to give in and let him hold her.

Reluctantly, she let him pull her into his embrace. Wrapping his arms around her he whispered how much he loved her into her ear and she sighed, relaxing into his arms. Minutes passed and he thought he was forgiven when she suddenly pulled away, and glared at him again. "I'm sleeping in my room tonight." She huffed before turning and walking up the stairs.

He stood, confused, at how rapid her mood had changed.

Hours later, after tossing and turning in his own bed, he crept down the hall to their bedroom where his wife slept. Opening the door he saw her, curled up on her side of the bed. She wasn't asleep, and turned over as she felt the bed shift beneath her.

They had been unofficially sleeping together for weeks, usually passing out in his bed after their last craving session. She hadn't been trying to escape lately, and Ava never really asked why they were sleeping in a different room.

In the darkness he could not see her face, but almost sensed how upset she was. "It felt weird to sleep without you." She moved closer to him and silently moved into his embrace. "I'm sorry." He whispered, running his hands through her soft hair. She didn't respond, but her deep breaths told him she had calmed down and was on her way to sleep. He hoped that would be enough, he hoped he hadn't just put a knot in the already fragile threat that held their marriage together.

The sunlight shone into the room stinging her groggy, dry eyes. Meredith could hear Derek fiddling around somewhere in his closet that still held the remainder of his clothes. He had not fully moved into the spare room, making sure to keep as much of himself as possible in "their" room. 

She didn't turn over, not wanting to give away that she was awake still fuming from Derek's stupidity. He was trying to get back in her good grace's, she could tell he felt bad, but her current pregnancy hormones were making it impossible to kiss and make up so soon.

The door peeped open with a small creak and their daughter bounded in to the room with her usual morning energy. She was just like her father, always up and ready to start a new day bright and early.

It took her a minute to jump up, but she finally managed to leap into the over sized bed and crawl under the covers next to her mother. "Wake up mommy, wake up!" Meredith groaned, but couldn't hide the smile at Ava's early morning ritual.

"I'm up, I'm up." She grunted turning over to face the girl. "Let your mother sleep Ava." Derek replied acting all knight in shining armor from the doorway of his closet. Ava was surprised to see him there and kicked the covers off ready to launch into his arms.

"Daddy, you look pretty!" She giggled commenting on his blue dress shirt and tie. It was not often he got dressed up to go to work, and Ava was used to seeing him much less professional. "Today's an important day, daddy has a big surgery on a very important patient and we also get to see the babies."

Meredith rolled her eyes and got out of bed walking sluggishly to their master bathroom. She didn't turn to look at Derek, though she knew he would be smirking at her trying his best to win some points.

"My babies are coming today!? Oh my gosh, we can buy their clothes now!" Ava had turned into a sudden clothes hog, Meredith guessed it was due to the amount of time she had spent with Addison.

"No, they aren't coming, we're going to get to see a picture of them today and make sure they are healthy like you." Ava pondered this, and then smiled, a huge grin only kids can seem to get away with.

Meredith listened to the conversation cautiously from the bathroom, wanting to chime in at every second, but not feeling like talking with Derek. He was annoying her, with his way of brushing off the fact he had screwed up by acting prince like.

She shook her head, knowing she was surely nuts at how fast her emotions were rolling through her head. Before she could think of an escape plan to avoid him even more he had appeared at the door way minus Ava. He leaned against the frame and watched her, taking her in and she refused to make eye contact with him.

"I have to get going." He stepped closer and nudged her elbow with his. "Please," Emphasizing each word, "call me when you are done. I'm really sorry I can't be there and it's going to kill me all day wondering." She paused brushing her teeth and looked up and him to meet his eyes. "I'll see if I remember." Her tone was semi icy, semi hinting at joking and he was left wondering what it meant as he walked out of the house that morning.

Sitting on the table getting examine by her husband's ex-wife should have been awkward, and it was, but only because getting examined was always awkward no matter who the doctor was. Addison wasn't her doctor with Ava, she wasn't her first choice for this pregnancy either, but only because they were friends...and it could be rather awkward examining your friend.

But, learning she was pregnant with twins had sent Meredith into a frenzy of nervousness. She was already borderline high risk, she wanted to the best, and Addison was the best. Knowing she would almost certainly need a c-section just pushed that decision even further.

"Everything seems to be going smoothly Meredith. The babies don't share a placenta..that's really good, there's no risk of them getting tangled in one another now." Addison smiled, and watched the screen, but Meredith was still worried, and confused, and suddenly feeling lonely in the cold room.

"So..I haven't dealt with OB in awhile, help me out here, does that mean they are not identical twins?" She watched the screen in amazement, in awe of how much detail could be seen in the high tech 3-D sonogram machine.

Addison moved the wand close up to one of the babies faces and they almost a clear picture of a perfectly rounded head. She was spending much more time on Meredith than she would a regular patient and Meredith was grateful to have such connections.

"Not necessarily, almost 25 percent of identical twins don't share a placenta. We wont know for sure until their born. But...I could tell you the sex...that could help our guesses at least." Addison had a knowing smile on her lips, like she knew a huge secret the rest of the world didn't.

Meredith looked at her stunned and wide eyed. "You know their sex? Right now?" She hadn't even been considering finding out that day, they hadn't talked about it and it was the furthest thing from her mind with all her anger towards Derek.

Addison frowned, partially offended. "Of course I know, it's not that hard, I do assume you learned how to read ultrasounds in med school?" Her tone was cooler now, not cheerful, but borderline annoyed. Realizing how it sounded Meredith quickly rambled on so that she wasn't offending her friend.

"No, I mean..you're the top in your field, I know you could see it...I just...Derek forgot about the appointment...and I've been so mad at him I just didn't even realize we could find out today...I just...wow...that's huge, that's like...a big step."

Addison silenced her monologue, cutting her off, and printing out several pictures from the machine. Meredith caught a hint of worry, or something else she couldn't put her finger on mirrored back in her friends eyes, but in a flash Addison had shrugged it off and plastered on a smile.

"No, I shouldn't have been offended, I'm just been in a mood lately, we should meet for lunch soon, it would be nice to catch up." Meredith nodded in agreement pulling her shirt back over her expanding belly. It seemed like she was getting bigger by the day...soon she wouldn't even fit into her old maternity clothes.

"I can tell you what you're having, if you want. This is the problem with being your doctor...how am I supposed to be bias in my gift giving now that I know what you're having?" Meredith laughed, knowing it would never stay a secret in their group of friends. She wasn't sure what to do, she wasn't so mad at Derek anymore, realizing that they had more pressing matters to deal with now. She had come to terms with the pregnancy, but now, seeing them close up, both her babies for the first time and learning that they could be either a he or a she instead of an it...was like a giant splash in the face. They had things to buy and rooms to paint...not to mention how they were even going to manage two infants.

She wasn't sure if Derek would want to know or not. With Ava, they could never get a clear picture. She was always hiding with her legs crossed like the little dainty princess in training that she was. Derek simply called her "Avillem" mixing the name Ava for a girl with Willem for a boy. Meredith secretly hoped they were having a boy, just because she really wasn't keen on the boy's name Derek seemed to be stuck on that year.

Now she had to make a split decision and she just went for it, hoping Derek wouldn't be offended. Meredith shook her head in agreement and Addison handed her the freshly printed scans of both babies. Baby A was the first scan, at 20 weeks it was still rather grainy, it defintly looked more like a baby, but still hard to imagine as a human being.

The second photo was of baby B, who already looked much smaller than it's brother or sister. "Baby B is small so far, we're going to have to track their progress, make sure it develops normally." Meredith felt little tingles of fear creep up her spine knowing that growth was a major factor in twin related deaths.

The last scan was of both babies, the little tiny pictures labeled with baby A and baby B. She just stared at it, in amazement that their could be two people inside of her."Ok, just tell me, I really need to know now." She pleaded to Addison who seemed to be enjoying her high and mighty knowledge over Meredith.

"See for yourself Grey, prove Derek wrong and show me you should have picked OB as a specialty. Meredith smiled, but looked at the photos in her hand nervous, and unsure of what she was looking at. It seemed a lot easier when it was someone else's baby. Her breath hitched as she scanned over both pictures once, and then twice, and even a third time to make sure she was not seeing things.

Addison grinned, her eyes sparking. Meredith looked up at her to make sure he observations were correct and Addison just nodded in excitement. "Congratulations Meredith, just wait until you tell Derek."

Meredith didn't call Derek like she said she would, she was too excited, and on such an emotional high that she thought of the first place she could. Babies R Us. Now that she knew the sex, she could start thinking and planning, and stop avoiding that fact that there were two growing people inside of her.

She wasn't so angry with Derek anymore, he had proved to be brainless once again, but she was paying him back by avoiding his phone calls and pages. She pulled her cart through aisle after aisle throwing simple things into it, not even stopping for a second glance. She needed to feel motherly, like she had wanted this pregnancy from the beginning.

Stopping in the furniture aisle she daydreamed over nurseries and how they would decorate them. She wasn't huge on decorating, and not even sure where to begin, but she was suddenly excited at the daunting task.

It was late in the afternoon, and she would have to go get Ava soon. Stopping down one last aisle she laid eyes on something she didn't even know she was looking for. Suddenly, an epiphany on how to tell Derek almost shot off the shelf.

There staring her in the face were two infant jumpers. One was black and had white letters that read: "If you think I'm cute, you should see my dad!" the other, was also black, but in sparkly pink letters said: "Already wrapped around my daddy's finger!"

It was clear to her, what each shirt meant, but with Derek, she could never be too sure. Deciding...she'd probably have to spell it out for him, she picked up two, of the same sex jumpers off the shelf..almost sad to leave the other sex behind.

"Where's Meredith?" Derek almost screamed as he tracked down his ex wife later that day outside of her office. Addison just stared at him, not flattered by his hello. "Sorry Derek, It wasn't my turn to watch her." Rolling his eyes, he could see the annoyance on her face and took a deep breath to calm down.

"I'm sorry Addison. She was supposed to call me after her appointment and she never did. How did it go? Is something wrong? I'm freaking out here." Derek was almost shaking, like he had been jump started on caffeine and Addison found it hard to even look at him.

"I don't really want to talk about it...you know that whole doctor patient confidentiality law we have to sign...perhaps if you made it to the appointment you would know?" She was testing his patience now, and knew it, but hey...what were ex-wife's for?

Derek sighed frustrated and followed her into her office. "I'm freaking out here, just give me something, please, I'm dying!" Not wanting to deal with him anymore she caved to try and get rid of him quickly.

"Everything went well, she's just...taking some time I think to take it all in." Derek looked at her shocked. "Take it all in? Couldn't she have done that after she called me!?" Addison looked at him with a knowing glance. He knew that look...it was her look of triumph...a look that said she knew something he didn't. "You know something don't you?" All she had to do was smirk before he left the room. It was no use trying to get it out of her. Addison was a hard woman to break and he knew that better than anyone. He was annoyed now, clearly not liking being ignored..and he stayed annoyed for the rest of the day, clearly not liking getting a taste of his own medicine.

Coming into the house later that night he was almost mulled down by his anxious daughter and his senses were consumed by something coming from the kitchen. He was annoyed, and had spent the day fuming, ready for battle, but the scent of food wafting from the kitchen calmed him a little. It wasn't like Meredith to cook, though she had learned how, he still did most of the cooking just to be safe.

Walking into the kitchen almost falling over with Ava still clutching on to him he found Meredith making dinner and humming softly to a nameless tune on the radio. He almost forgot his anger, at the sight of her being so homemakerish, but it all came back when he remembered the day he had had.

"What have you been all day? I've been paging and calling, you scared the crap out of me." Looking down at Ava who was watching his actions intensely, he lowered his voice and stepped closer to Meredith. She just turned around and shrugged carelessly, not really bothering to give him an explanation.

He was shocked, and grew even more annoyed at her lack of concern for his feelings. "Meredith, what the hell has gotten into you?" He couldn't help it, it just came out, and the glare he got from both wife and daughter told him he had stepped out of line. "Daddy, we're not allowed to say that word."

Cursing under his breath he sat down at the kitchen table and buried his head in his hands not believing what was happening before him. "Daddy, don't be mad, we have something for you! It's a secret, and mommy told me not to tell you that.." "AVA! " Meredith shushed the girl and Derek looked up as a shine silver package was slid in front of him.

It felt as if he had entered an episode of the twilight zone...dinner was being served, Meredith was buying him presents after he had been a total fuck up, and yet...she was now sitting calm as can be across from him not even coming closer to see his reaction when he opened it.

"Open it daddy, open it! I helped mommy wrap it! I know you're just going to love it!" Ava climbed up into the seat closest to Derek and watched as he took each piece of wrapping paper carefully, swatting her tiny hands away as she tried to rip it all off at once.

He was cautious. Concerned even. Was Meredith really pissed at him, was she trying to poison him or give him hate gifts? He looked up to see her engrossed in the magazine in front of her not even paying attention to what he was doing. He'd get it, without her help, and she'd be there when he did.

Tearing off the last of the crinkly, expensive paper Meredith never bought, he open the lid to the small box not expecting to find three ultra-sound pictures. His heart stopped, remembering the day he had found her first ultra-sound picture she had hidden from him.

He looked at each picture carefully, taking each in, and letting out a happy sigh at the first real sight of each of his babies. "Wow, Meredith thank you for this...I'm sorry I yelled...I..." He was cut off my Ava swatting his leg and taking the pictures out of his hands. "There's more daddy, please hurry, open the rest!" She was almost jumping out of her chair with excitement and he had to laugh not being able to remember her so excited.

Taking the tissue paper off he found a small article of clothing and picked it up not really sure what to expect. It was black and he was looking at the back of it confused. Meredith had gone out of her way to make the moment last as long as possible.

Realizing he had to turn it around, his eyes scanned over the fabric reading the words but not really taking them in. "What it say daddy!?" He felt like an idiot, not sure what was going on and suddenly feeling left out of something the rest of the world new.

In the box he noticed another piece of the same fabric and lifted it out reading the exact same thing on each. This time though, it made sense when he saw two and suddenly the sparkly pink letters seemed to jump to life.

Looking over at Meredith it was hard to keep the grin off his face and she soon was grinning at seeing him so happy. He was like a kid at Christmas, his eyes now filled with life and energy. "Does this mean?" He was sure of what it meant, but he needed her to say it for it to be real.

She nodded, in agreement, not being able to form the words before he jumped off his chair and was at her side in a second. Before she knew what was happening he had picked her up out of her chair and spun her around. She wasn't heavy to him, in fact she felt like nothing at all he was on such a high.

"I'm so sorry I was angry, I can't even believe this." He sat her down and wrapped his arms around her. "So you're happy then?" He could see the emotion in Meredith's eyes and he leaned in to kiss her, letting her know just how happy he was.

"Now my babies can be Cinderella! I told you you'd like it daddy!" Ava came up behind him and hugged him and they embraced as a family, something neither of them could remember doing. It was a fragile, slightly fractured family, but still, a family.


	37. Chapter 37

It was a week later when the shrill sound of Derek's cell phone entered his hazy dream. The sound grew louder and louder, more real and annoying as he opened his eyes and managed to focus on the blaring light of the alarm clock.

Groaning, he fumbled for his cell phone slamming his hand onto the nightstand in the process. "Shit." He groaned when he finally managed to get the phone and flip it open. "Shepherd." His brain was foggy, it was hard to even pay attention to the voice on the other end of the line.

"Derek, I'm at the front door, come let me in." He barely recognized the voice of his best friend. "Mark...what are you doing?" He sighed annoyed and ran his other hand through his hair before rubbing his eyes.

He felt Meredith stir next to him, her warm body curling up against his back. "Who is it?" She mumbled dryly without bothering to open her eyes. "I'll be right down." Derek muttered into the phone.

Curling up closer to him she wrapped his arms around him not wanting him to go. "Mark's here." Opening her eyes she looked at Derek confused. She shivered as she sat up allowing the blankets to fall away from her naked form.

"It's three in the morning what the hell does he want?" "Ugg..I don't know but I'm going to kill him." He responded gruffly, exhausted and not feeling like leaving the comfort of his warm bed.

Finding his clothes in the darkness proved difficult and he cursed as he tripped over a shoe. "Dammit. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to turn the light on." He was exhausted, and could tell Meredith was too by the way she plopped back down under the covers.

They had stopped having sex due to his lack of sleep for about day and to their surprise it was actually him who resumed it, not Meredith. She had dealt with her cravings surprisingly well. Though he was exhausted, his body had gotten used to the constant sex.

Meredith buried her head in her pillow blocking out the light until Derek managed to get dressed and excited the room cursing Mark as he bounded down the stairs.


	38. Chapter 38

  
Fastening his belt in a frantic tired haze, Derek reached the front door and threw it open to find Mark waiting there impatiently. His phone was to his ear and he slammed it shut. "It's about damn time!" He told his friend annoyed before looking at his half dressed form. The expensive suit Mark was wearing created a huge contrast to the ratty jeans and no shirt Derek was sporting. 

"What the hell are you doing here Mark?" Derek asked not even trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. Mark didn't answer, instead he pushed the door out of Derek's hand and shoved past him.

Once the shock had worn off, Derek followed his friend as he stumbled around the dark house and into the family room. Mark appeared to be drunk, and Derek thought that was the case, but his friend was far to stable on his feet to be drunk.

"Mark, come on what is going on?" Mark had sat down on the sofa and was just staring into space. Derek's patience was wearing as he thought of the nice warm bed that awaited him.

Derek followed Mark's gaze to the mantel where Mark was focused on Meredith and Derek's wedding portrait. "You know, marriage is a funny thing. It's all happy and great for awhile..and then it just stops." Mark wouldn't look at Derek and Derek sat stunned confused as to what he was talking about.

"What?..." Derek began, but was cut off by an evil laugh from Mark. "Oh don't act like you don't know...it's great and then it just goes to hell. Marriage is a giant whole that sucks the life out of everything." His voice was growing louder now and looking at his friend, Derek could tell for the first time that he was angry. He was always the calmer one with anger. Where Derek just flipped out and avoided, Mark bottled it all in...until he couldn't anymore.

"Keep your voice down, the girls are asleep." Mark laughed again, a cackeling, hurtful laugh and then stood up to face Derek. "Ha. You think things are so great now, just wait until you're not good enough for her..she'll want more, they always want more." Derek shook off what he said and stood up to face his friend.

"You need to sit down and explain what is going on, if you wake up Ava I'm going to kill you." Pushing at his shoulders Derek shoved him back into the sofa just in time to see Meredith enter the room.

She looked at Derek first, then to Mark, then back at Derek trying to wrap her mind around what was going on. "Um...what's going on?" She asked looking at Derek and hesitantly taking a few steps into the room.

"It's just Mark, I don't really know...why don't you just go back to bed?" Derek said unable to keep the frustration away. Mark was clearly not himself, and he didn't want Meredith around to witness it.

Meredith stared at Derek, eying him up before she shook her head no and went to sit down next to Mark. "I'm already up. Is...he drunk?" Mark was strangely silent, and just sat, staring at the floor. "I don't think so." Derek replied before groaning and leaning back against his chair.

"What's wrong Mark?" Meredith asked like he was a child. Mark just rolled his eyes and refocused on Derek. "I'm telling you, just wait, after your babies are born she'll need more, she'll want more than you can ever imagine and then poof, suddenly she's trading you in for a newer model." Derek widened his eyes and was going to say something before Meredith beat him to it.

"What the hell is wrong with you Mark? Addison would never cheat on you, if that's what you're insinuating." Meredith was annoyed, and not happy with the comments he was making. "You really want to know? You want to know what a marriage is really like?" Mark stood up again, angry now and Derek jumped to his feet to push him back down, not sure about his intentions.

"Sit down, or get out," He growled looking at Meredith out of the corner of his eye. She was concerned, but not afraid, it was only Mark after all. A little sliver of annoyance crept into Derek's mind over the fact that Meredith wasn't scared of Mark, she just sat, ready to take on whatever his problem was.

"Mark what the hell, just tell us. That's why you're here isn't it?" She spat, not afraid of his weird behavior. "Addison's pregnant. There is that what you wanted to know? She's pregnant and she did it on purpose." Meredith looked at Derek and they just sat in silence, taking in what Mark had just said.

It didn't surprise Derek, Addison had told him she wanted another baby, and soon, but could Mark really be that unhappy about it? "She's pregnant...that's amazing, she's wanted that for so long.." Meredith rambled before Mark cut her off with another laugh.

"SHE'S wanted it. You girls are all the same. We talked about it Meredith. We decided ONE child. One. Not two. Even one was a stretch for me. She knew that when she married me."

"Accidents happen Mark." Derek snapped not happy with the way he was talking to Meredith. Mark rolled his eyes in amusement. "Yeah accidents happen when you stop taking your birth control for two months."

Derek was silent. Not sure what to say. It was Meredith who did the talking. "So, let me get this straight, you didn't want more children and she got pregnant, last time I checked it takes two to have a baby...you should have thought about that before you had sex without a condom." "She was supposed to be on birth control!" Mark nearly yelled back at her. Meredith was getting angrier by the second and stood up to face him.

"So you what? Blame this all on her and then walk out? So she's pregnant...maybe you didn't want it, but she is so deal with it!" "Oh please Meredith, don't act all Mother Teresa like. You're the one that hid your pregnancy from your own husband. Addison had the decency to tell me, she just went behind my back about it, I told you..you're all the same." Meredith snapped and lunged at Mark but Derek was there to stop her.

If Meredith wasn't pregnant he probably would have let her beat him to a pulp. "Hey, Meredith calm down. He doesn't know what he's saying." Meredith shook him off as much as her expanding form would allow. Mark had struck a nerve and she was angry and humiliated.

"Fine, I'll go back upstairs like a good little wife. But tell me Mark, does walking out on your pregnant wife and child make you feel like a good husband? Does it!? Knowing she's probably at home crying her eyes out? How does that make you feel?" Meredith didn't have to look at Derek, he knew she was partly talking about him, he put his arm around her waist but she shrugged it off and left the room without looking at either of them.

Ok well yes, Addison is pregnant, I think it's nice to see their story as well as meredith and derek's and though most of it will involve meredith and derek, we will get to see addison and mark and their trials as well. thanks for reading. i'll probably put the rest up tonight!


	39. Chapter 39

Derek watched Meredith walk away clearly upset and he fought the urge to chase after her. Suddenly at the thought of her upset sent his insides boiling. "Don't you dare talk to her like that!" His words were poignant.

Mark blew out a frustrated breath and then hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry...I just...don't even know what the hell I'm doing." "Do you ever know what you're doing? Coming here at 3 in the morning...really?" Groaning, Mark launched himself to his feet.

"I'm sorry, I had to get out. Don't act like you don't understand!" Mark walked the length of the room, the anger radiating off his body. "I really don't understand Mark, Meredith lied to me, she hid something from me for weeks, I didn't just storm out because she was pregnant. This is nothing like me and Meredith."

Anger was creeping into Derek's voice by the minute. He couldn't stand the fact taht he had walked away from Meredith when she needed him the most. He couldn't handle the fact that Mark's situation almost parallel his. And...as his thoughts drifted back to how Meredith had shut him out and betrayed him, he couldn't help but have a sudden surge of bitterness towards her.

Mark's issues were suddenly eating away at Derek's own issues. "Addison and I agreed to have one child. Peyton was it. We decided it was best for us. Instead of just telling me she wanted something different...she went..and got pregnant on purpose. How is that not betraying me? She...how could she do that?"

Mark paused, and his features changed dramatically. His once angry lines that were painted across his forehead had been erased only to be replaced by sadness. Realizing Mark's moment of vulnerability, Derek's own features changed and relaxed. Sitting down in his chair once again he eyed Mark, suddenly feeling bad for his friend.

"She shouldn't have done that...I agree, but is another baby such a horrible thing? I know you're not that insensitive." Mark shook his head in frustration. "You don't get it! You've always wanted children, you've always wanted the white picket fence and a baseball team of kids. You and Ava had this bond...you're her whole world. Me and Peyton, we coexist...but that's it. I love her, but we don't connect the same as you and Ava."

Derek sat, staring at his friend, not really being able to comprehend it all. "She's 4 months old Mark...she doesn't really connect with anything." Even as Derek said the words he realized how stupid they sounded. He could still remember the first time he held Ava, her crystal blue eyes gazed into his and they had an instant bond. Mark was different, less open and nurturing...but he was still a wonderful dad.

Mark was getting frustrated. His friend wasn't getting him, they just weren't understanding each other. "Derek, you're father material. I'm not. I'm chief of surgery...I spend 16 hours a day at the hospital. Where the hell does another baby fit into that? You always make things work. I don't think I can."

Angry lines erupted across Derek's forehead in response. "Make it work?!" He spat. You think I made it work? I practically missed the last year of Ava's life and my marriage...you think that's making it work? You think that makes me father of the year?" Derek felt suddenly sick to his stomach at the thought and averted his eyes.

Mark watched him contemplating his friends words before hurling off the couch. "You're right. We're both screw up's. I shouldn't be here..Meredith doesn't need this. I'm gonna stay at the hospital." Derek watched him walk out of the living room in a frantic pace.

"Mark.." Derek groaned and went to catch up to him. "You don't need to be at the hospital right now. You can stay here." Mark stopped and turned to face him. "No..Meredith will kill you." "You and Addison let me stay...when I needed...when I couldn't be here. I think you need to go home, but I understand. I get why you can't."

Meredith stared into the black abyss that enveloped the backyard. From her position on the balcony she could almost make out the dim edge of the lake which glistened motionlessly under the moon light.

She heard him approach, heard him close the large French door and pad over to her, but still she didn't look away from the endless horizon. The sudden crisp fall air sent a chill down Derek's spine. The insanity of the night was finally taking it's toll on his tired body.

It was 4 AM, he had to be at work in less than 4 hours...and there he was, standing on his balcony watching his wife sink deep into her own menacing thoughts. "I couldn't sleep." Came her matter of fact voice, giving him the answer to his unspoken question.

He nodded, though she couldn't see him. "It's cold out here, you should come in." He told her, hesitantly. He couldn't hover...couldn't fuss over her constantly. But, how could he not? How could he not be concerned that Meredith was staring off into space in nothing more than a t-shirt on their upstairs balcony.

If he stopped worrying, stopped hovering, he'd be an absent husband. Yet if he did just the opposite...she'd close up and slip out of his grasp. It was a no win situation. Stuck...like glue. Walking the ever changing line Meredith keeps drawn.

It's something marriage should have fixed, or at least he thought so. It bothered him to think something so small and trivial was still plaguing their relationship nearly 5 years later. Then again, perhaps it was a detail that had fallen through the cracks. Hidden, underneath the surface, just waiting to be exposed when the bigger problems came out. Maybe, it wasn't so small of a problem after all.

Her voice brought him back to life, kept him from drifting off into his own world of self loathing. "Remember when we first moved in? We'd just sit...and watch the sunrise over the lake?" She was whispering, though they lived in the middle of no where. For some reason, they were both unconsciously trying to preserve the tranquility that was the night.

"Hmmm" He half hummed, half moaned. It was his trademark sound. Something she always had to be uniquely Derek. With one throaty sound he could display more emotions than any words ever could.

He approached her, until he was directly behind her. He didn't want to touch her, he wanted to let her have her peaceful moment. He smiled at his old, worn, college T-Shirt she wore. It was the only thing that seemed to fit her ever expanding form.

"We haven't watched the sun rise in a long time." He stated, knowing he didn't really need to say it. Knowing...he hadn't been around to watch his own family change let alone the sun rise.

"No, no we haven't." He sighed at her saddened response and took several moments to focus his own gaze on his tranquil land. The sky was a dark shade of indigo now, preparing for the upcoming light. The mist off the lake was just barely visible..and just beyond the balcony, a baby deer picked at the grass. Quiet, alone, hidden under the cloak of night.

She felt the rush of cold air hit her as he walked away. The door closed behind him, and she was left staring off into the night. A familiar emptiness crept back into her limbs, threatening to overtake her body.

The door slid open once again, sending a shrill creak piercing through the air. The deer ran, startled, afraid...without looking back. She heard him pull up a chair, heard the squeak of metal against steel.

"What are you doing?" She asked turning to face him. He was sitting facing her with a large throw blanket on his lap. In silence, he motioned for her to come and closer, and she did, unable to resist the comfort in his eyes.

The empty ache was slowly disappearing as she sat in his lap. He adjusted himself, still not used to her pregnant body, but not in the least annoyed by it. He wrapped the blanket around her, her own body heat keeping him warm. He let his hands drift to her abdomen where he rested them. "We're watching the sun rise." He finally responded, wrapping his arms tighter around her when she shivered. She shivered not out of being cold, but out of the sheer loving tone of his voice.

Minutes later the deer reappeared. Hesitant, it paused looking up at the balcony. Behind it their was a rustling and out came it's mother, large, loving, protecting...unafraid. They continued eating, safe, silent and no longer alone.

"Mark's going to stay a few days..." Derek started...and stopped not knowing what else to say. "He should go home, but he just...needs some time." Meredith nodded, and snuggled her head into his chest. "Derek..." She started, but he interrupted her, shushing her, not giving her time to yell. "Shhh. I didn't leave you because I found out you were pregnant...I walked away because I was mad at you for lying to me. I was confused and hurt and just needed...some space to figure things out. I don't agree with what Mark did, but I understand...I get his need to get away."

Meredith listened, before twisting her head uncomfortably towards him and locking eyes with his. He could see the raw emotion lying there, just waiting to break out. But she smiled, and surprised him by snuggling in deeper, not really wanting to discuss their fight again.

"Ok...but you're calling Addison to tell her. I know...how...I just...know she's worried." Derek smiled at her concern for his ex wife and then frowned at understanding how upset Meredith had been the night he walked out.

They sat in silence, watching the sun peak out of the eastern sky. The birds chirped signaling it's arrival and suddenly the dark, endless...night turned to light. A vibrant pallet of bright pink and blue streaked across the sky as everything seemed to jump to life.

They were both awake, Meredith had dozed off a few times, but Derek had stayed awake, content to sit with his wife...content to share something with her. "Caroline." He whispered into her hair. Caroline? She turned, confused...thinking he was calling her some other woman's name. Recognizing the flash of panic in her eyes shifted her on his lap so he could have better access to her face.

"The girl with the head trauma from falling off the balcony...you operated on...remember? Her name was Caroline." Meredith looked at him, not understanding why he was bringing it up.

"I like the name, Caroline. I'd like to name one of the babies that." Meredith eyes sparkled at his words, touched by his suggestion. He hadn't really picked any girls names for Ava. He was convinced it was a boy. Names weren't really his thing. They hadn't really discussed names...hadn't really discussed the twins much at all.

"Caroline...It's beautiful." She sighed, happily and turned back around so she was facing away from her. She moved his hand over her belly and he rubbed it, feeling the babies move inside of her. "She must like her name...this is the most I've ever felt them move."

He smiled at that, glad he got the chance to feel it for himself. "Of course, they are going to fight over the name now." He replied, watching as the last of the mist burned off the lake. "We'll have to find another one just as beautiful." She nodded. Content. Happy...comforted.


	40. Chapter 40

"Oh...Meredith...I didn't know you were home." Mark stammered uncomfortably after walking into her bedroom. He hadn't seen her since he had yelled at her the night before. Meredith had gone out of her way to avoid him, not happy with the fact she was forced into the middle of him and Addison..not happy with the fact he had said things to her...and most of all not happy with the fact he was now staying in their house. But, she was doing it for Derek...for Derek...and that meant she just had to suck it up.

"I thought Derek would be home by now.." Mark started looking around the room for any sign of him being home. Meredith sighed in response and to her dresser to put away her clothes. "No, he called...to say he'd be late...but you're chief..so I figured you'd know that."

Meredith was acting rather cold to him, and Mark shifted nervously not really good with confrontation. She wasn't really mad at him any longer, she was just exhausted and not in the mood to talk things over with Mark. Her days at the hospital were getting longer and longer now that her body was expanding and she was carrying around two babies who treated her uterus like a play ground.

"...Well, um this is awkward...I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have said those things." Meredith nodded at him before putting her hands on her back and cringing. She wasn't really paying attention to anything he was saying, she just wanted him to leave. Blowing out a puff of hot air she looked around the room distractedly.

"It's fine...I shouldn't have overreacted." Mark arched an eye brow at her. She rightly should have been angry. "I'm going to talk to her tomorrow Meredith..." Meredith nodded again and then turned away as she flinched, but not before Mark could see.

Mark's brow crinkled in concern, not used to seeing Meredith so distracted. "Are you alright? You don't look good." Shaking her head vigorously she nodded yes. "I'm OK." She lied, just wanting to be left alone.

Looking at her with a sideways glance his features softened and he stepped into the room. "Meredith...stop. You're in pain. I may not be a brain surgeon but I am pretty smart." He smirked shooting her a smile. Meredith ignored his sly face knowing it was his typical flirting smirk.

"Hmm...that's why you're sitting here cringing. Why don't you just tell me now...because if Derek finds out I let you sit up here in pain we're both dead."  
He snickered matter of factly before walking over to her to figure out what was going on.

Meredith hesitated, shifted uncomfortably on her feet. After a minute of being under Mark's persistent stare, Meredith finally gave up and perched cautiously on the edge of the bed. "I pulled a muscle lifting Ava today...in my back...it's been bad all day but now it's at it's worst. It's not a big deal though.."

"Well, it can't be good to be in that much pain you could have a disc out of place..." Mark easily slipped into doctor mode and Meredith quickly grew annoyed. "I'm a doctor Mark, I know..but I'm sure it's just a pulled muscle I just need a pain killer or massage...or whatever...and since Derek's at work...and I'm growing two babies inside of me...I'm sort of out of luck."

Mark watched her, listened to her rambling and all the while moved closer to her. He felt awkward being in her bedroom, watching her be so vulnerable and in pain. He hoped she wasn't having some pregnancy related issue because it kind of freaked him out.

"Where does it hurt?" He asked, trying to figure out the source of her pain. "It's fine, I just need to lie down." She denied moving onto the bed. "Ouch!" She cried in pain as the movement shifted her back.

"Alright stop. Where does it hurt?" Meredith looked at him, eying him up to see if he was really serious. "Listen, I'm not going to bite you or anything...I mean unless you want me to that is..." He was smirking again, and she saw first hand how he used to be so successful as a womanizer.

"Let me at least take a look, I'm no chiropractor, but I can at least make sure it's nothing serious." Meredith let out a huff and then gave in, turning around so that her back was facing him. She bent over and leaned onto the edge of the bed.

"Fine...but I'm not taking my shirt off..." He realized too late that he had a nice view of her ass, but shook those thoughts out of his head. He wasn't attracted to Meredith, not in that way anyway, but he was a guy...and he couldn't help but notice how the tight sweatpants accentuated her shapely curves.

"Grey...you realize I'm staring at your ass right?" "Mark!" She moved to get up, but he held her down gently. "I'm kidding...just stay still and tell me where it hurts." "My upper back..and sometimes it radiates to my middle back."

He used his finger tips to find the spot and she nodded, cringing as he ran his fingers over each aching muscle. "Alright...it could be a muscle spasm...do you want me to rub it?" He thought for a second that maybe it was a bad idea, but she wasn't hesitating..so he began to rub small circles around her upper back.

Her body was tense at first, not used to feeling his hands on her. He was different, not like Derek at all. Where Derek was gently and usually too afraid of hurting her to dig in...Mark let him knuckles dig in deep...causing an odd sensation of pain and pleasure.

He was tense as well, feeling out of place touching his best friends wife. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew Derek would kill him...but he was just helping her out, and he was proud to think that their wasn't one sexual thought about her in his head.

"Hmmm.." She moaned and sucked in a breath as he found an overly sore spot and dug his fingers into it. "You're pretty good at this...I wish I'd have known it sooner or I'd have used you before." She joked finally letting her body fully relax. He relaxed to, at her humor and let his hands travel freely over her back.

"Can you rub my lower back?" He obliged and she moaned again rather loudly. He had a sudden flash of imaged of her in bed with Derek and it made him disgusted a little, not wanting to think of the image.

He smiled though, so proud of himself that her moans weren't turning him on. If he had been talking to Addison...he would have told her right away...he might actually survive in a monogamous relationship.

"Hmm...go a little lower...yeah...damn you're too good." Her body was full relaxed enjoying the pain free position. "Well this just proves that I'm good at everything." He chuckled.

Derek walked into the house after an exhausting day. He had been shuffled through meeting after meeting with the board...feeling like they were running him in circles over and over again. Maybe he didn't want it that bad. Some days, he didn't even think the endless hours were worth it.

The house was quiet and he stepped into Ava's room first, checking on the tiny girl that invaded his thoughts all day long. She slept soundly and he was annoyed that he had missed putting her to bed. He couldn't even count the amount of bed times he missed.

He closed the door partially and sighed, cranky, and wanting nothing more than to go to bed. He heard Mark's voice penetrate down the hallway and he was confused when he glanced into the guest room and found it empty.

Walking silently down the hall he heard Meredith moan and he stopped dead in his tracks. It wasn't her usually sultry moan he was used to, but it was still a moan and suddenly his body went stiff.

Like a freight train his mind rushed back to the night so long ago when he had found Addison in bed with Mark. Her moans were what told him what he'd find in that room...her moans echoed down the hall sending a chill down his spine.

He didn't want to move, didn't want to walk any further, too overwhelmed by the overpowering memories. He never once thought Meredith would cheat...he knew she wasn't that type of girl...and in the back of his head he knew that it wasn't going on right now. But the memories were seeping into his head...running rapid among the sounds he was hearing.

Swallowing down the bile threatening to rise into his throat he walked to the open doorway to his room and stood watching. Mark was still leaning over Meredith massaging her back and laughing at something she had just said. She was still moaning, enjoying the ministrations from his hands...both oblivious to his presence.

Derek was relieved...at first. Glad that his life hadn't gone on to repeat itself again, but watching Mark touch his wife...his Meredith...drove him mad. Her moaning wasn't sexual, he knew that...but she was still moaning...enjoying pleasure from someone else. His best friend. His eyes narrowed into tiny angry slits and his fists clinched into balls.

"What the hell is going on?" His voice boomed through the room startling Mark and causing him to jump up as if he had been burned.

Mark recognized the familiar darkness in Derek's eyes and immediately stepped away from Meredith. "This isn't as bad as it looks Derek." He stated not liking the all to familiar scene. "No." Derek was insistent, his eyes scanning over Meredith.

Mark chuckled, but stopped at Derek's glare. His friend was in no way in a joking mood. Angry lines were creasing his forehead and his eyes had not left Meredith's frame which seemed dwarfed next to Mark.

"Don't overreact man, I don't need stitches again." Derek rolled his eyes and stepped into the room flipping up the dimmer and illuminating the room in a blanket of light. Meredith squinted, feeling as if she were in an interrogation room.

"Get out." Derek snapped, his voice a low growl. Mark looked at him in disbelief and went put his hand on Derek's shoulder. Derek reacted violently, and shrugged him off. "Don't touch me!" Mark put his hands up in defeat, giving him a worried glance. With clinched teeth Derek muttered, "Get out of my room Mark" in disgust. "Alright...I'm going, I'm going!" Realizing Derek was far to angry to be reasoned with, Mark gave Meredith an apologetic smile before leaving the room.

Derek turned to watch him leave the room and then re-focused his attention on his wife who was standing in the same spot with her hands on her back. She was watching him intently, her nostrils flaring, annoyed with Derek's impending freak out.

If she felt guilty she didn't show it as she stood unwaveringly, watching him. "What the hell was he doing?" He asked stepping closer to her. She could tell he was about to yell, but she decided right in that moment that she would not apologize for doing nothing wrong. She would not grovel and beg her Irish tempered husband for forgiveness.

"I hurt my back, he was just checking to make sure it was nothing serious." She stated nonchalantly adding fuel to his anger. "It sure looked like he was doing more than that..." He spat, walking around the room as if inspecting it for evidence. She rolled her eyes at his antics and finally moved from her spot near the bed.

"He was massaging my back, it's not a big deal." He let out a frustrated groan. "So me walking in finding him in my bedroom with you moaning in pleasure isn't a big deal?" She scoffed at him and walked to her dresser to get out pajamas. "Moaning in pleasure Derek? I was moaning because I was in pain...you know it was not sexual."

He followed her to her dresser and stood behind her annoyed she wouldn't turn and look at him. "Do you even know what scenarios were going through my mind?" Meredith turned to stare him down and saw nothing but anger in his eyes. She knew he was being ridiculous. She knew this was all his ego talking...that he didn't really think she was cheating...but it angered her that he was picking a fight over it.

Her eyes widened and her lips were pursed in anger. "So, you automatically assumed I was cheating on you? Do you not trust me anymore? Because last time I checked I'm the one who has all the reasons not to trust you." Derek sighed, running his hands so widely through his hair it was now standing up in all directions.

Groaning he took a minute to breath and then replied, "Of course I trust you! It's him I don't trust!" Meredith was appalled, not liking where the conversation was going. "Derek, don't go there. He would never make that mistake again...you've worked too hard for this friendship, don't let your insecurities ruin it now."

"I trusted him to never do it in the first place!" His voice was growing louder and louder, and he was paying not attention to the half open door to their bedroom. "Just stop Derek. I'm 5 months pregnant with your children, my body is aching, I'm as huge as a house, Mark is in love with Addison...he's changed completely in the past 4 years. You have no reason not to trust me or Mark."

Her voice had grown to match his, and he stood watching, actually listening to her for the first time. Tilting his head he narrowed his eyes. "I'd think you would have a little understanding. Do you know what it's like...walking in on your best friend fucking your wife? Do you even know what kind of memories that leaves me with?"

She was flustered now, not knowing what to say to get through to him. "No, I have no idea what it's like. You're right. But it was seven years ago Derek. We've all moved on, we've all changed. I'm not Addison. I'm never going to cheat on you. I clearly have horrible memories that changed me as well, but I've found a way to get over them, I don't let them run me and picking a fight with your wife over something stupid is not going to help you move on from them." She took in a few deep breaths, winded after her lecture.

Without looking at him she turned and walked to the bathroom. She was done, he didn't feel like arguing anymore. "Don't walk away from me Meredith. These are things we talk about..." He boomed, not meaning for it to come out as a command.

"Daddy, Mommy..." The innocent voice of Ava cried down the hallway and they both instantly froze. Derek looked back at the door and then to Meredith who had turned to look at him. They both watched each other, listening to their daughter's sobs. His eyes softened and he nodded an apology without words. "I'll go get her." He said, still angry with Meredith, but dramatically changing his features while thinking of his daughter.

Meredith sighed before walking into the bathroom and starting the shower. They had been fighting more in the past year than they ever had...and she wondered if it would ever end. If maybe, their relationship would forever be a constant uphill battle.


	41. Chapter 41

Ava's room was down the hall and it took Derek only seconds to push the door open to be by her side. Her blankets were kicked to the floor and she laid curled up on her stomach with her knees to her chest like an infant. He didn't turn the light on, not wanting to wake her up fully, instead he went straight to her side and wrapped his arms around her.

She looked up at him, her eyes sleepy and glazed over. He instantly felt guilty, waking her. She was a light sleeper...he knew that...and the guilt pierced through his chest like shards of glass.

Curling herself against his masculine biceps and he took the opportunity to rub comforting circles around his back. Her cries got louder, more of a muffled whimper into his chest.

"Shhh..you're ok, I'm here." He rocked her, doing everything he could think of not to break down in front of her. The guilt was overwhelming, and all he could do was comfort her. Lifting her head out of his chest she whispered into his ear. "I don't like when you yell." His shirt was soon covered in wet tears and snot as she wiped her nose along his silk button down.

Letting out a sigh he patted her back, annoyed that his temper had gotten the best of him again. It had hurt the most innocent thing in his life...and he couldn't deal with that. He mentally kicked himself. Why did it bother him so much? He knew the answer, his own insecurities got the best of him...but he'd never admit that.

Pulling her closer to him, he laid fully on the bed and re-positioned Ava onto his chest. Tears were still trickling down her face, but her cries had subsided. Her ocean eyes bore into his and in that moment he couldn't even remember life without them. Without her.

She ran her fingers over his face, using her 4 year old fingers to trace a pattern over his stubble. He let out a pained groan as she slide up his chest digging her elbows into his ribs to run her face along his. "You're scratchy daddy." "I'm sorry Princess, daddy didn't mean to yell." She lifted her head up and gave him a somber look.

He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed the tip of her forehead. He pushed her head down against his chest in an attempt to get her back into her sleeping routine. Several minutes went by and he laid there listening to her soft breathing. Thinking she was asleep, he moved his arms to shift her to the bed but she whimpered and clung to him.

"Daddy, please don't leave me again." Her voice was quiet and heart broken and it made it stomach plummet. His mind was spinning, ashamed that he had given Ava those memories. Meredith had grown up with horrible memories and they had sworn their children would never have to grow up that way.

"I'm sorry for yelling, but I am never going to leave you." He held her tighter, trying to reassure. She fell silent for a few more minutes before speaking again. " Daddy?" He had been waiting for this, waiting for her to get her thoughts together. She was such an intelligent child, he had never met a 4 year old he was able to carry such meaningful conversations with.

"I think mommy's sorry for doing bad things. Her loves you. Don't be very angry." Derek sighed, allowing a deep breath to go in his chest lifting Ava up as well. The whole year had done nothing but hurt his wife and confuse his daughter. He had successfully destroyed his family in less than a year. But, would he explain that to his 4 year old?

"Sometimes mommy's and daddy's fight. Remember we talked about that. Sometimes we yell and get angry, but we still love each other, and we say sorry and everything is ok. Mommy's didn't do anything bad. I'm just cranky." It took him a minute to get the last part out, to admit that he was just overreacting to his shitty day.

She was stroking his chin again, something she had done for comfort since she was a baby. She was listening to him, taking it all in in in her adult like way. He waited for her to respond, knowing it probably wasn't the end of the conversation.

Another question never came however, and after several minutes he could tell by her even breaths that she had fallen asleep. He waited a few minutes, to make sure she would not wake up before shifting her off of him and to the bed. For several minutes he just started looking down at her soft features. He had never known a love like her before. No one in his life had ever consumed his thoughts. He wondered how it would be with two more girls to love. A warm feeling swept over his body in anticipation.

so-just to make some things clear, derek and meredith are not going to be in a huge fight over this. it was really just to show the insecurities he still has. I want your guys opinions. Do you think that addy and mark and derek and mer being friends is believable? I think it is, but then I get worried. So let me know! For some reason i'm just suck on those couples for now. Also, I have decided that george will be introduced soon!

Derek stood outside the glass shower door staring at the shadowy figure of his wife. She had not noticed him yet, and he wasn't sure whether he should make his presence known. 

The room was hot, and humid, with bits of steam covering everything and coating it in a blanket of moist film. He must have stayed in Ava's room longer than he realized. He could make out her body, leaning against the tile. She moaned, low in her throat, once again not in pleasure and he made his decision to open the door, needing to ease her pain.

The door made an obnoxious sound, almost like an alarm trying to keep him out. Her back tensed, and she turned to look at him, startled, not expecting an intruder. They stared at each. Her stormy green eyes met his emotional blue ones like lightning bolts of electricity.

She finally broke the contact and with an indifferent look, turned her back so she was again propped against the wall. "Oh, so you're ignoring me now?" He asked and she didn't respond. Her hands went to her lower back and she worked the muscle effectively tuning out her husband.

Taking the hint he let go of the door allowing it to slam against the shower. In frustration he went to leave the room before stopping and rethinking the idea. There was no point in leaving mad, there was no reason they should live in a house full of awkward silence for the rest of the night.

It took him less than a minute to strip off all his clothes leaving them in a crumpled heap on the cold tile. A sudden nervous excitement ran through his nerves knowing that Meredith could easily kick him out.

She turned, and let out a gasp of surprise this time at the naked form of her husband. Her eyes drifted to his semi hardened penis and she arched an eye brow. He couldn't help it. Just the sight of her naked form was enough to turn him on.

"If you think you're getting sex you're crazy." She snapped before turning back to the wall leaving him staring at her backside. He smirked, and was about to make a smart ass reply before realizing it would be a bad idea. He could easily get sex if he wanted it...and she was never one to be able to resist him. But, that's not what he was there for.

Moving closer to her he put his hands on her tense shoulders and began to kneed them. His grip was tender at first, but then became rougher. She sighed and rolled her neck trying to ease her muscles. He stood against her and she inhaled sharply at the feel of his erection pressed into her back.

"How did you hurt your back?" He whispered into her ear, his voice rough. "Lifting Ava." Came her cold reply. He could hear the emotion in her voice, could tell without even looking that she was angry at him.

"You shouldn't me lifting her." He had meant it to sound like sound advice instead of over protective, but he knew she had taken it wrong. Rolling her eyes she shifted on her feet and he moved his hands to her back.

"It's the only way Ava will go to school for me. She doesn't like when I drop off." He sighed knowing his daughter was just as stubborn as Meredith. "Well, I'll just have to try and drop her off from now on."

His words hung in the air as they fell into an awkward silence. Meredith wanted to argue with him, tell him there was no way he was going to be able to drop their daughter off every day and still manage early surgeries. But, she didn't feel like fighting.

"Meredith...I know you would never cheat." His hands stopped moving and he let his head fall to her shoulder to rest there. The heat from his body was radiating around her. She shrugged his head off before responding, "If you knew then you wouldn't have yelled at me."

He stood away from her thinking of his options, thinking of what he could say to her...before finally admitting to himself that he was wrong. "I was jealous." He blurted out, a little ashamed of himself. She turned around to face him, surprise written across her features.

"You don't get jealous..." She stated, mocking his previous statements. His eyes grew dark, and he stepped dangerously close to her, their bodies were almost touching and the friction was unbearable.

Reaching up he positioned the shower head so that it was beating down between their bodies, coating them in thick moisture. Taking her arms he turned her around so that her back was facing him and bent her over allowing him access to her back. His erection was now poking into her bottom with a burning need, but he still did not make any move to enter her.

"I didn't like his hands on you.." He growled into her ear, pausing to lick the droplets of water off of her shoulder blades. Her body relaxed as his tongue danced over her back lapping up the water mixed with the sweet taste of her skin.

He began to massage her again, digging deep into her muscles until he found just the right spot that made her cry out in both pain and pleasure. "I didn't like hearing you moan for him." He admitted, before stepping even closer to her so that their bodies were pressed up against one another.

She cringed, and stood up straight, the bending causing too much strain on her back. He took the opportunity to trail kissed over her neck which made her shiver. "Tell me where it hurts." He commanded, and she obliged, giving into to his ministrations. Pointing to a spot on her mid back he went to work kneading it.

The tiny noises she was making in the back of her throat proved that she liked it. They were going straight to his groin, sending an ache through his body. He needed her, he wanted her, but he wanted her pain to stop more, wanted to prove he was better than Mark.

He worked at her muscles until his hands were aching with tension. She backed up into him, shifting on her feet and he let out a groan at the feel of her bare bottom against his shaft.

He was trying hard to recover, trying not to give in to the need that was slowly overtaking his body, but she shifted again making him even harder. Meredith smiled and pushed herself further back causing his breath to hitch.

"Meredith...I want to finish your massage." He told her, barely able to make out the words with the pounding in his ears. "We're finished." She whispered huskily and that was all it took for him to lean her against the tile and enter her in one quick motion.

She moaned in pure lust and as much as he wanted to take it slow, he knew it wasn't going to happen. The burning need was taking over and all he could do was go with it. She shoved her bottom back into him and he groaned and put his hands on her hips to control the movements.

"Derek...please..." She begged rather loudly, her voice echoing through the bathroom. He obliged and matched her thrusts, trying not to hurt her. Sex was a lot easier when she wasn't 5 months pregnant, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

She was close, he could tell and in his haze of pleasure he took his hand around to her clit and stroked it until her muscles contracted and she cried out in pleasure. He finished, minutes later his legs weak and shaking.

Once out of the bathroom and dried off he forced her to the bed and onto her side so he could finish the massage that he started.


	42. Chapter 42

"Uncle Marky you came back!" Ava announced to Mark when he walked into the house the next morning. He had spent the night at the hospital, avoiding the wrath of Derek. Ava sat at the table eating her cereal and watching the small TV that was attached to the counter.

Looking around for Derek, Mark sighed in relief at not seeing him and sat down next to Ava at the island that stood in the middle of the kitchen. "Hey monster, where's your dad?" He implored, trying to get as much information out of her as he could.

Ava was glued to the TV and only looked up when Mark waved his hand in front of her face. "He didn't have clothes on when he got up...so now he has to put some on.." He tried not to laugh at her matter of fact story. She was too smart for her own good.

Mark got up, rubbing Ava's head and ready to bolt out of the room when Derek came around the corner and into the kitchen. Derek came into the kitchen whistling with a grin on his face. He stopped when he saw Mark, but gave him a happy nod.

"Ahh...good morning Mark." He acknowledged nicely, walking over and kissing Ava on the forehead. Mark stood stunned, confused at the sudden change in his friend. He had been prepared to have his nose re-set surely anticipating Derek breaking it in a blind rage. But happy...not moody Derek..that was a real shock.

Derek had made his way to the cabinet, getting out cereal and a bowl not even paying attention to Mark. "I'm sorry about last night man...if I had seen you like that with Addison..I probably would have been the same way.." Mark started, but Derek put his hand up interrupting him. "Apology accepted. I overreacted."

Mark stared at him, like he had two heads. "Derek, what happened to you? I'm really starting to worr..." Mark paused. "Wait a minute..." He was deep and thought and then smirked like a Cheshire cat. "I know that look...you got some didn't you?"

Derek shook his head trying to deny it, even though his cheeks were flushed a very bright pink. "I can't even believe this...you are unbelievable. You got make up sex? After that? Man..I can only pray Addison forgives me like that..."

Derek tried not to smile, knowing he did have an amazing sex life at times. Ava looked up at her father, suddenly interested in the conversation.

"What's make up sex?" She asked, using her adult observation skills. Mark cleared his throat, willing the ground to collapse beneath him. Derek narrowed his eyes at him, annoyed that he once again had to explain something too mature to his daughter.

"Is that like when mommy puts make-up on?" Derek dropped his bowl in the sink, trying not to laugh at her 4 year old perception of the world. "Uh...it's something only mommy's and daddy's do...why don't you finish your breakfast.." He tried, trying to get her diverted and out of the awkward conversation.

"Ava pushed her bowl away and slid off the bar stool. "Oh..me and Andrew can't have makeup up sex?" Derek coughed, and blushed a brighter shade of pink. Mark watched as Derek's body tensed and then relaxed.

"Who is Andrew?" Mark asked picking Ava up and propping her onto the island to wipe her face. "He's a friend from school..." Derek replied still tense, but pretending not to be. Mark could tell he wasn't really comfortable with the conversation.

"No daddy, he's my boyfriend...we're getting married." Ava corrected rolling her eyes at her father. Mark looked at Derek not believing what she was saying."Boyfriend Derek? Isn't she a little young for that?" Derek tried not to laugh at Mark's sudden protectiveness.

"She's 4...I don't think it's a real boyfriend." Mark looked at Ava who was watching both of them intensely. "I'm not sure what's going on here Derek...you're the one that freaked out about Tyler...and at least we know him..."

Derek moved to clean up Ava's mess as Mark ranted. They had suddenly switched roles and it made Derek laugh. "Mark...in 4 months I'm going to be the father of three girls...I can't sweat the small stuff of Meredith will kill me."

Mark listened to him, but continued his freak out. "Well...who is this Andrew..? Do we even know him?" Derek shrugged. "She's pointed him out a few times." "What's his last name?" Asked Mark, still stuck on the idea.

"Where's he live?" Mark directed towards Ava and she giggled thinking her uncle was hilarious. "I dunno, you're silly." She laughed. "Mark...this is why I'm not upset, I wont worry until she actually knows her boy friend's last name.." Mark thought about that for a minute.

"Yeah your right...wow sorry I just had a Derek moment there..." Derek scoffed at him pretending to be offended. "You're a great father you know Mark...you have the protective little girl thing down..." Mark thought about that too, but didn't reply.

"When are you going home Uncle Mark?" Ave chimed in, bored with the adult conversation.

"Ava that's a rude thing to say." Derek commented, picking her up off the island. "I'm going home tonight...as long as your Aunt Addison let's me..." Derek tried to rush Ava out of the kitchen not wanting to get into another conversation about adult things with her.

"You should go home...baby Peyton misses you like I missed daddy." Mark looked at Ava sadly, realizing for the first time that he had walked out on his infant daughter. Shrugging off the sad moment he struggled to get back to his joking demeanor.

Mark also noticed Derek's somber expression and felt the need to escape the suddenly sad room. "Did your mommy tell you to say that?" He joked and Derek laughed along with Ava's giggles.

"Oh Mark, if you want to use my shower go ahead, the guest one is still leaking..." He commented before walking out of the kitchen with Ava's in his arms. Mark watched them go, suddenly missing his own daughter. He would talk to Addison that day...they were meeting for lunch, and he only hoped it would clear things up.


	43. Chapter 43

The sound of the shower running behind the bathroom door woke Meredith up and she groaned..and tried to hide back under the covers. All night make up sex wasn't working now that she was pregnant. Her body felt weak, like she hadn't slept in days. 

Looking at the clock with blurry eyes she frowned in confused trying to connect the running shower to the time of day. Her brain was too fuzzy to process much, but she did know it was too late in the morning for Derek to still be home.

She vaguely remembered him planting his usual kiss on her forehead as he left that morning...but perhaps she had dreamed that? It wouldn't be the first time she had dreamed some realistic things lately.

Thinking of how good the water would feel on her aching body gave her the motivation she needed to struggle out of bed and practically waddle to the bathroom. It drove her nuts, her new pregnancy induced swagger. Her feet were swollen and her body was already twice as big as she had been by her 8th month with Ava. She worried at how much bigger she would get...or how she would even function once she did.

She had seen many women pregnant with twins...she just never even thought she would look like that. Realizing she was naked for the first time she briefly wondered how her daughter had thought upon crawling into bed with her and finding both her parents naked that morning.

Running her hands over the stretch marks on her extended abdomen she sighed and felt suddenly melancholy. She was fat, and unattractive. Soon, Derek would probably rather masturbate than have sex with her...and that would be awful.

The bathroom door was shut and she had to work to open it due to the stickiness of the bathroom. It would have struck her as odd..in her regular state. They rarely shut it, it would be pointless because they usually ended up in there together anyway.

Her groggy mind didn't even register the closed door and she stepped into the room gasping as the heat took her breath away. He was taking a long hot shower, one she was fully prepared to enjoy along with him.

She could see the outline of his body through the glass doors and she stood watching as he ran his hands through his hair. Derek had watched her the same way the night before. She could see his well toned ass clearly through the glass and she cursed her weakness.

She had always been close to a sex addict, but the pregnancy had turned into into almost a fetish. She just couldn't get enough of him. No matter how much her body was aching in exhaustion, it still responded to the image of Derek naked.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" She thought, shaking her head. She had seen him naked for the past 7 years...and yet, he still had the ability to drive her crazy. She really was out of it, there was no doubt about that.

Opening the door she stepped in and relaxed as the hot water assaulted her body. Derek still had his back turned to her, and she couldn't help but gaze over his muscular back. His hair was filled with sudsy bubbles making it impossible to see his curly locks she enjoyed so much.

She couldn't help herself and reached out and ran her hand along his spine. and down to his ass cheek. Suddenly Derek tensed, startled and turned to face her in one quick motion.

Bluish green eyes connected with Meredith's and she gasped realizing Mark was standing in front of her. Letting out a groan she stared at his panicked face. "Oh god...I thought...oh god.." She mumbled trying to keep her eyes from straying to his amazing six pack. His body was chizzled to perfection...and she resisted the urge to stare.

Mark's panic turned to a smirk...he was kidding again, using what he knew best to hide the strangeness of the situation. "If you wanted to touch me all you had to do was ask..." He dead panned moving as far away from her as he could. The water was now dripping down his hair, washing away all the suds that had partially blocked Meredith's view.

She looked down at the floor, only to be met with a view of his thankfully flaccid penis before she groaned again and then went to move quickly away. "I just..this is bad..I'm sorry...Derek...I just thought.." She was rambling, nervous the bad situation.

He had kept his eyes on her face, not looking at her body. He couldn't look at his best friend's pregnant wife..it just wasn't right. In her quickness to move out of the shower her foot slipped on the slippery tile and he had to reach out for her arm to keep her from falling.

She flinched as he made contact with her. It felt weird, off...definatly not something she ever thought should happen. Flashes of Derek walking in on them in this position ran through her mind and she recovered from her misstep and got out of the shower. Was he even home...could he possible have seen that? She had no idea...and she wasn't going to wait around to find out.

Mark's worry over Meredith falling had caused him to avert his eyes. He had seen her very pregnant body and couldn't help but stare at how very pregnant she really was. Her baggy clothes hid it well...and suddenly he felt extremely awkward. Pregnant women didn't do it for him. It actually creped him out a little...

But still, he couldn't help but feel another wave of panic. True, the whole scene had been an accident...certainly they hadn't meant to see each other naked...and he was sure Meredith hadn't meant to look at his chest like a piece of meat waiting to be devoured. He got that reaction a lot actually...but Meredith..that just wasn't good.

They had done nothing wrong...yet after the spectacle that had happened the night before he felt the need to find his friend as soon as possible and tell him. It was going to look bad if Meredith got to tell him first...if she even wanted to tell him. It would look bad for him...somehow he would be blamed...and he wasn't ready to let that happen.

"Meredith, did you come up with any names yet?" Izzie asked in a sing song voice after plopping her tray down at a small table in the almost empty cafeteria. She had been overly bubbly since returning from her honeymoon. It was borderline annoying to Meredith...but she was being supportive..well as supportive as she could manage.

Cristina on the other hand...found it incredibly annoying and usually stayed as far away from Izzie as she could get. "No..." Meredith mumbled playing with the cream cheese on her bagel. "We've been sort of preoccupied..." Sort of was an understatement, but as usual she was blocking out her problems, trying her best to avoid them. She pushed her bagel away from her completely, suddenly not in the mood to eat at all.

Izzie smiled at Alex as he sat down in between them and she made a production of leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. She was acting like a school girl with her first crush...Meredith thought..but supportive..she would be supportive.

Cristina though, had other ideas. "Honestly, didn't you get enough of that on your honeymoon? We're trying to eat here..." She let out in a disgusted tone. "Hey, just because your honeymoon ended with the birth of your kid doesn't mean you have to blame us.." Alex responded matching her tone and the two narrowed there eyes at each other.

"Whatever...you'll see, the honeymoon ends..it always does.." There was a slight hint of sadness in Cristina's strong armor...just a glimmer..and then it was gone. Meredith wondered whether her and Preston were having more issues than either of them let on.

A tinge of guilt crept into Meredith's gut. Her own issues had over shadowed everything else for weeks..even months...she hadn't done anything but worry and argue with Derek...everyone else had changed..moved...and she had just stayed stuck in a limbo. It was a common theme for her, one that had cast a shadow over most of her life. Sitting watching her friends she realized for the first time that she had no idea what was going on in their lives.

"I don't see how you guys haven't even discussed names yet..it's not like you have another year to do so..." Izzie went on in her own little world oblivious to the underlying tension at the table.

"It's pretty hard to think of names when your legs are rapped around Derek 24/7" Alex commented crudely earing him a glare from Izzie. Meredith shook her head, trying to deny it, but it fell on deaf ears.

"Oh please Meredith, everybody knows you and mcdreamy have been humping like rabbits." Cristina added. "Right, there's nothing wrong with it, embrace it, love it, Derek is a lucky man.." Alex replied with jealousy and Izzie rolled her eyes getting back to the topic at hand.

"Sex or not, how can it just not come up...you had names picked out for Ava..and you're having twins Mer, that leaves so many exciting possibilities." Izzie exclaimed reminding Meredith of the time Izzie had turned their living room into a Christmas explosion. Cristina looked at her like she was crazy then, and she was doing the same now.

Meredith tried to follow the conversation, tried to focus..but she was too distracted. Baby names came at the bottom of a very long list that included her iffy marriage, her daughter growing up too fast, and touching her husband's best friends ass...

"We have talked a little about it, he has his ideas...it's just not something we've had time to actually think about..things are just weird right now." Meredith's gaze left the table and her friends followed it to the other side of the room where Mark was standing at the coffee cart.

Cristina looked at her intently, knowing something was weird..but not being able to put her finger on what it was. "Well, I think you should name them something cute and twin like...Harmony and Melody..that would be adorable." Alex gave her a look...and Cristina would have to, had she not been focused on Meredith's sudden tense stature.

Once she saw Mark she had purposely shifted in her seat so that Alex was blocking her from his view. She was now focused on the bagel that just minutes ago she had pushed aside. Listening to Izzie became harder and harder as her mind went back to his naked form. How could she possibly have not realized he was Mark..and not Derek. What wife doesn't know her own husband's back side...he would never believe that..there was no way he was going to see the situation in a joking manner. It ate away at her. Even when the little voice in her head told her she had been tired and groggy that morning...she had no reason to assume it was anyone other than Derek...she still grew even more nervous. Why was Mark in her shower anyway? This wasn't her fault, it's not as if anything happened. Not that she even wanted it to, but she did look at his naked chest...the thoughts were killing her, making her insides curl in nervousness and guilt.

Alex had caught on to Meredith's sudden change in mood and watched her sharing a few confused looks with Cristina. Meredith was readily twirling her napkin into tiny bits and refused to look up. Lost in her own thoughts.

Izzie, however, was still clueless...and kept rattling off name after name. Meredith could hear her, but it wasn't connecting with her brain. She wondered when Izzie had found the time to memorize a baby name book.

"Oh this is perfect. In Italian...Cara means beloved and Mia means my...so together their names would be 'my beloved...' tell me that's not the cutest thing ever. I'm a genius..there are going to be in debt to their Aunt Izzie forever."

"Enough with the names Izzie...clearly she's having some form of crisis.." Cristina interrupted, anxious to get to the bottom of things. She didn't understand what Mark had to do with anything...unless her friend had feelings for Mark...and that would just be..."Meredith! What the hell...are you into Mark?" Cristina accused loud enough so that the few people in the cafeteria had turned their heads in curiosity.

Alex stared, in bewilderment. "Well...now that would just be an interesting twist..." Meredith finally looked up at him not giving him the satisfaction of a reply. "Come on, tell us what's going on, this is getting old..." Cristina replied watching as Addison joined Mark at the coffee cart.

"Oh look, they're talking...that has to be a good sign.." Izzie chimed in, always interested in the latest hospital gossip. Meredith moved aside to see for herself that Addison and Mark were indeed engaged in a civil conversation. That made her happy...hoping that they were working things out..and that maybe Mark would be out of her house soon...out of her bathroom...out of her shower especially.

"Did you sleep with Sloan?" Alex accused, unable to keep his comments to himself any longer. Meredith widened her eyes in panic and shook her head not needing that rumor to be spread around the hospital.

"No, I didn't sleep with him, I'm not into him, he's just...been living at my house...and that causes some issues.." She paused, watching as her friends eyed her up. They were freezing her out with silence, knowing she had to come clean sometime.

Watching Addison and Mark walk out of the cafeteria she grew flustered...would he tell her? Would Addison freak out like she was sure Derek was going to...she was doomed..

"I walked in on Mark in the shower today..." She mumbled all at once and waited for their reactions. Alex laughed, finding it hilarious, but Izzie and Cristina just stared at her in wonder. "Wow...does he look as good as he does with clothes on..because..he looks like he'd look good..." Izzie asked, not even paying attention to Alex's annoyed reaction.

"Yeah..I wont lie when I say I'm jealous..did you see ...it? Is it big?" "CRISTINA!" Meredith whispered, loosing her cool and looking around her to make sure no one was listening. "I was trying not to look! We saw each other naked..I thought he was Derek...I touched his ass...this is so, so bad."

Cristina's eyes widened, and she stared at her friend with amusement. "Wow, I can't say I'm not jealous...damn how is it that you have the best luck?" "No...no this isn't luck. It's a curse. Derek almost killed me last night when he saw Mark giving me a massage...this is going to send him over the edge.."

Izzie looked at Meredith with confused. "Mark gave you a massage...Meredith...this is getting kind of creepy." "Dude..you totally want to do him. I bet Addison would be down with some swinging.." Alex cut Izzie off, interesting in the sexual turn the conversation had taken.

Meredith shook her head disgusted. She would never think of Mark that way..it wasn't like that...she had just been horny this morning...horny and wanting Derek...well...what she thought was Derek..."No, this is not funny. What the hell am I going to do?"

"Well, you have to tell him..." Izzie advised, knowing that Derek was the king of moods. "What? No...you don't have to tell him!" Cristina cut in, annoyed with Izzie. "There is nothing to tell. Nothing happened, there is no reason for him not to trust you. You aren't Addison..he needs to handle his issues." Cristina was in no mood to deal with a pissed off Derek today...not when she could possibly have to work with him.

"Nah..I think you should tell him...what if Sloan tells him first..then it makes you look guilty." Meredith stopped fidgeting. She hadn't even thought of that possibility. Alex was right...if Mark got to him first..it would be even worse. Suddenly she was more worried than before and wanted to do nothing more than crawl into a hole.

"Hmm..speak of the devil.." Cristina mumbled, looking up at the coffee cart. It was a popular place that day, everyone just had to get their fix of caffeine. Meredith looked up to see Derek paying for his coffee. His back was turned towards her, but as if on instinct he turned quickly, scanning the room. He locked eyes with her and smiled, and Meredith panicked and hid behind Alex.

"Oh god...he's here...what do I do?" "Um...this is awkward.." Alex replied. "He's coming over..." Izzie told her and Meredith's heart began to race. Did he already know? What if he didn't...she couldn't exactly tell him in the middle of the cafeteria. Thinking fast she stood up and Cristina stood up with her.

Derek was at their table now, standing just in front of Meredith. "So I'm late for surgery...lot's and lot's of surgery.." She stuttered, barely meeting his eyes. "Yeah, it's one of those long days...sorry Derek." Cristina cut in, pulling her friend away form the table.

Derek stood confused. Meredith was odd. Looking at Alex and Izzie they both looked away and got up in a jumble of awkwardness. "Uh..yeah surgery.." Izzie rambled as they made a quick get away from the table.

Derek watched them go, bewildered. Something weird was going on...he just had no idea what it could be.


	44. Chapter 44

Over the next few hours Derek was pretty sure Meredith was avoiding him, and it was starting to slowly drive him insane. He racked his brain for something he may have done wrong. Pulling out his palm pilot he did a quick date check...September 25th..there were no birthdays or anniversaries he was missing. He thought back to the night before, wondering if maybe he had missed something before he had gone to bed. She seemed fine, there were up half the night...she seemed more than fine then. He admitted he had over reacted, was she still mad about that?

Shaking his head he watched Mark walk into his office and took a few quick strides to follow him in. "Oh Derek...just the man I was looking for.." Mark announced when Derek strolled into Mark's office shutting the door behind him. He hated Mark's office, the wall of windows that looked out onto the hospital offered no privacy and the location of the door to the hall allowed for constant leaks for the gossip mill.

Mark had been nervous to talk to Derek at first, but his morning had gone so well that he couldn't imagine anything horrible would happen. He had talked to Addison, they had finally sat down and discussed things like mature adults and that made him happy. It wasn't make up sex..but at least he could say he had a home again.

"Did anything happen at the house after I left?" Derek asked, looking for any explanation to her avoidance. Mark had been sipping his second cup of coffee of the day and almost choked at Derek's question. Was he testing him? Did Meredith already tell him and now this was a big test to see if their stories would line up?

Mark was suddenly nervous, afraid to confront his best friend. Looking at him though, he didn't seem mad...or at all ready to punch him. "Why? Did Meredith talk to you already?" It came out more nervous then he would have like and he cursed him self for being sort of afraid of his best friend.

Derek looked at him in confusion. "Talk to me about what? No, that's the point she isn't talking to me...and I wondered if maybe you would know why." Derek was staring at Mark's creased brow with curiosity, feeling out of the loop. "What makes you think I would know why...she's your wife.."

Mark wanted to hit himself after saying that. Could he make himself seem any more guilty? He had done nothing wrong..it was purely innocent...so why did he feel so bad? He thought about bailing out. Maybe I shouldn't tell him...what he doesn't know wont hurt him..unless Meredith gets to him first...the little voice was tormenting him, taunting him and he couldn't handle it anymore.

Sitting down behind his desk he motioned for Derek to sit down and then nervously fumbled with his phone. It wasn't like Mark to be nervous, and Derek grew concerned wondering if maybe something serious was wrong with Meredith.

"Something did happen this morning, now before I even tell you it's not a big deal...I don't even know that it's worth getting you worked up over.." "It's obviously a big enough deal that you're sweating about it and she's ignoring me.." Derek replied and Mark nodded...knowing what he had to do.

"I guess we should have warned Meredith before I used your shower...because she seemed to think I was you this morning..." Mark paused...thinking in his head that the whole situation was rather comical...'but this is Derek Mark'...the little voice reminded him, and he had to fight to get the smirk off his face.

"So what does that mean exactly?" Derek asked in an uneven tone..not really liking where the conversation was going. All he really heard were the words shower and Meredith and he could tell it was not going to be a good conversation.

"It's kind of funny really...I think you're going to laugh.." Mark dead panned..but stopped when Derek arched his eyes brows. "Well...she walked in one me..but she thought I was you...because I guess we look the same from the back...which I find hard to believe because I spend 3 hours a day at the gym...and you haven't been to a gym in years..." Mark rambled off...his egotistical side coming out and Derek groaned, annoyed with Mark's off topic venting.

"So...she walked in on you...so...that means what...she saw you naked..?" Derek asked, still not fully understanding what Mark was so nervous about. "Well...she thought..I was you.." He said emphasizing the word thought. Mark hesitated for a second, giving Derek enough time for his mind to put some of the pieces together.

Lot's of scenario's flew through his mind, but he was able to get a grip on the really bad ones. There's no way Meredith could have sex with Mark with his back turned...and he just kept thinking that over and over trying not to get angry. He had overreacted the night before, and he had to prove to his wife that he trusted her, above all else, he trusted her.

"Mark, I'm not understanding if you are trying to tell me you slept with my wife you have about ten seconds before I kill you so you might as well spit it out..." Derek mocked..and he was able to joke about it then, because he knew it wasn't a possibility. He knew just by the way Mark was acting that nothing serious had happened. Derek remembered the night he had caught him with Addison with clarity and what he remembers most is Mark's guilt ridden face as he stumbled out of their bedroom.

The joking kept him calm...kept his emotions in check. Mark on the other hand was rather confused. Derek wasn't taking it badly so far...it was like the twilight zone...and it gave him the confidence to finish his confession.

"Now there was no sex. But...had I been you, I'm pretty sure you would have gotten some because she was more than willing when she got into the shower...I didn't notice she was there until she touched my ass..."

Derek had been able to maintain a calm collection of his thoughts until that sentence left Mark's mouth. Suddenly all he could picture was Meredith touching Mark's ass..his naked ass..it wasn't something he ever wanted to see. Mark noticed Derek's body tense up and closed his mouth...afraid to speak any more. 'Way to go Mark..why not just admit you are a complete dumbass..' His mind taunted him.

It took Derek a minute to recover...but it was a painful minute for Mark. A minute of Derek lost in his own angry thoughts was almost a death sentence. Derek's fists relaxed and his hands went instead to his hair, nervously pushing it back.

"Ok..so she touched your..." He couldn't even finish the phrase. "Yes she touched my ass. I told you not to freak out it's not a big deal. I turned around...and we had our holy crap moment...I mean believe me man...I didn't want to see your pregnant wife naked...you know pregnant women kind of freak me out.."

"You looked at her!?" Derek accused suddenly annoyed and Mark pushed his chair away from his desk unconsciously in case Derek tried to hit him. Derek shot up out of the chair and began his methodical pace of the room...it was the norm for him...and Mark had expected this. Mark let him escape to his own thoughts for a minute before pulling him out of them.

"I didn't want to look, and she didn't want to see me either! She looked at the floor but then realized she could see ...well all of me and she freaked and..." "She saw your penis!?" Derek interrupted just as annoyed as he was before and Mark put a hand up to shush him.

"Yes..and big deal...you've seen Addison naked.." "I was married to her!!" Derek yelled and Mark shushed him again eager to finish the story and get it over with. "In her freak out to get away she almost slipped in the shower so I grabbed her arm to keep her steady...so I looked by accident and you should be thanking me really..because if I hadn't of grabbed her she'd probably be in your OR right now with her brain being worked on..."

Derek stopped moving...taking the time to think about all that Mark was telling him. It wasn't really that horrible, she's a doctor..she had certainly seen male anatomy before...but Mark...of all people. Mark did have a point though, he had saved her and their babies..which he was grateful for...somewhere in his brain.

"You're right...I'm just...I need a minute." Mark nodded, content to give his friend all the time he needed. After a few minutes Mark just couldn't help himself and had to make a comment to lighten the mood.

"You're a lucky man Derek, I've never had a women look at me naked and then run for the hills..." Derek couldn't help but chuckle at his friend. He sure knew how to charm his way out of a confrontation.

After his thoughts were in order Derek spoke again, this time less tense. "Alright, so this happened...it doesn't explain why she is avoiding me like the plague...why not just tell me if it wasn't a big deal.." This is what was really bothering Derek. The fact that she wasn't telling him clearly met she had found it a big deal...was there more to the story that he wasn't telling him?

As if reading Derek's thoughts Mark reassured his friend. "Listen, she thought I was you...so she touched me like she would touch you. It did nothing for me! Don't worry about that!" He laughed at his own joke...before continuing.."But...I think she's just humiliated...and most likely scared...after what happened last night..."

Derek thought about this. For once, Mark was actually starting to make some sense. Meredith couldn't face him...in fear that he was going to be mad at her. It dawned on him that his anger had now made it impossible for her to be open and honest with him.

"Oh...man you're right. She's too afraid to even talk to me now...this is wonderful how the hell do I keep screwing this up!?" He was berating himself now, back to the overwhelming guilt that just never left his heart.

Mark sighed, not liking the fact that Derek had turned the whole situation into a sob fest. "Derek, don't read too much into this, I think she is humiliated...scared..but more embarrased..I mean...she stared at my chest a little too intently..I get that a lot...she probably just feels like she betrayed you.."

Derek looked at him annoyed. "She stared at you? This just gets better and better." He replied a little bitterly but managed to shrug it off by reminding himself that it was a natural reaction, to stare at the unknown.

Blowing out a breath of air Derek got up out of the chair. "Alright, well thank you for telling me...as weird as it is to say this...I know that you would never do anything with her..." Mark looked at him, surprised. He really never expected Derek to fully trust him again...and him saying that even after the night before meant a lot. But, he couldn't show that of course, that would be too feminine for his style.

"So are you going to talk to her about it?" "No, I'm going to let her come to me. I know she will...she just needs to be ready..and I'll just act as if nothing happened..." Mark stared at him, not really understanding the point to that.

"So..you're just going to let her be humiliated all day and meanwhile act like the super good husband..." "Yes..." Derek smiled. "That's exactly what I'm going to do..." "Genius." Mark commented and they both laughed. Derek had a familiar gleam in his eye and Mark stopped suddenly, experiencing deja vu from that morning.

"Wait a second...you're going to use this for some kinky sexual encounter aren't you!? I can't even believe you! Ew..don't involve me in this, I don't want any compare and contrast things going on..." Derek smirked and went to open the door. The afternoon was looking up after all.

"Oh god you scared me!" Meredith jumped when Derek came up behind her and breathed into her ear. She gripped the file she was holding and turned to face him. Allowing herself to look into his eyes she saw that they were twinkling in what she thought was happiness.

It had taken Derek two more hours after his conversation with Mark to actually find her. She was a very hard person to find when she was hiding. "I've been looking for you, you've been avoiding me.." He told her, light heartedly acting as if he didn't know why.

It had turned out to be a harder task then he thought. It's all he thought about all day. His irrational side wanted to track her down and demand to know why her seeing Mark naked was such a big deal...but somehow he had kept his cool and stuck to the plan..and he was very proud of himself.

Meredith shook her head in a feeble attempt to deny it. Her eyes were scanning the hallway searching for any reason to get away from him. "No..no, I've just been busy..you know surgeries and all..." Derek nodded, amused at her nervous behavior. He hadn't seen her quiet so fidgety in a long time. It was actually kind of cute.

"Yes, it's funny though, I was looking for you on the board earlier and I didn't see you down for any..." He was still acting nonchalantly..not accusing..and not in the slightest bit angry. He was going to get it out of her...she'd cave eventually.

A look of panic across her features did not go unnoticed by Derek and she hugged the file more closely to her chest. "Oh..well I was just helping Cristina out..." He smiled, thinking she was a damn good liar when put on the spot.

"Ok. " He breathed, and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. "Oh, I know it's a little early for dessert, but I saw this in the cafeteria and couldn't help but think of you." She hadn't noticed his hands were hidden behind his back until he casually pulled out a small pink container.

"Strawberry ice cream?" She took it from him curiously. "They don't sell this in the cafeteria..." He was being so sweet and well...dreamy. She wasn't sure what brought on this sudden mood. He had always treated her that way, though over the past few years it had become a less frequent thing. 'That's what becoming an absent husband does Meredith..' The voice snapped at her, bringing her out of her swooning.

"Oh, did I say the cafeteria, I meant that little ice cream shop down the street you like so much, you know the one with the gourmet ice cream..." He was really acting the part now, building up just how great of a guy he could be.

Meredith put down the folder on the counter before ripping off the lid and inhaling the sweet scent. "Oh I also got you a spoon.." Whipping it out for her to grab she didn't even hesitate before taking a bite.

She was too preoccupied with the ice cream to notice the smirk he had on his face. "How did you know I've been craving this all afternoon..." She moaned, her mouth full of the decitant cream. 'Ha...I knew because I got it out of Izzie..' He laughed to himself but didn't dare say that out loud. "I know my Meredith." He replied sweetly and walked with her as she dug happily into the container.

"Thank you Derek, this is amazing." She breathed before they parted at the stairwell, each going there seperate ways. "Anything for you." He exaggerated with a smile. Her brain didn't think of anything until the ice cream was gone and she had licked the last bit off the spoon.

'He's amazing...he really is mcdreamy..' She thought and then her smile faded..remembering why she had been avoiding him in the first place. She wanted to tell him, she did, she needed to get it off her chest, but how could she do it now? He was in a great mood, and clearly going out of his way to care for her. The guilt was becoming overwhelming again.

Deciding against the stairs she stepped into the elevator and practiced what she would say in her head. "Derek...I touched your best friend's ass.." No. That wont do. "Derek, um...I stared at your best friend naked..." Great, she might as well just tell him she fantasized about him. "Derek..Mark has a great body, but yours is better.." Shaking her head she stepped out of the elevator even more nervous than before..and determined to hide from Derek until she figured out what to say.

"Derek..I saw Mark's penis..and I understand why he got so many women...but it's nothing compared to yours..." Cringing she shook her head, and continued down the hallway.

Crap.

**  
**

After scrubbing out of her first real surgery of the day, Meredith literally ran into Derek. "Derek!" She exclaimed and he returned her surprise with a "Meredith! So, I was looking for you again, luckily your name was on the board this time."

Meredith laughed, nervously, and tried to act as cool as possible. "Oh, yeah..luckily.." She was focused on a speck of dirt under her nail and didn't look up until Derek tilted her head up to face him.

He was smiling again, a full fledged weak in the knees smile and she couldn't help but smile back. "How was your ice cream?" He asked, knowing full well she had enjoyed it. "It was wonderful, thank you..." And with that her eyes left his. Her stomach tightened reminding her that she needed to tell him.

Derek could tell she was close to cracking, he felt suddenly guilty that he was putting her through this. It was clearly making her feel bad, but at the same time, it was rather amusing.

"So, Izzie wants to spend some time with Ava, so I was thinking about taking you out to dinner tonight..you know, something romantic..maybe a moonlit ride on the ferry.." Her jaw dropped. Speechless. He was romantic, always had been...but it was usually saved for special occasions...and this just took her by surprise.

"Um..ok..what's going Derek? Am I forgetting something?" Derek shook his head and brought her into his arms. He wasn't really able to hold her close anymore, but he held her as tightly as he could.

"Meredith, is it so wrong to want to spend a romantic evening with you?" He was charming her, reminding her of all the reasons she had fallen for him in the first place. Any other time she would be falling to her knees over it..but this..this was just bad. 'Sure Derek..take me out to dinner and then I can tell you about Mark..' That was going to go over real well.

She couldn't handle it anymore, telling him couldn't be as bad at the torture of not telling him. He watched her as she had her inner freak out and felt horrible. He was tormenting her, making her feel like a horrible person. But then again, if he really didn't know...she would feel horrible on her own for not telling him. Watching her fake a smile, he still felt too bad to continue. He would do these things for her even if he wasn't trying to get something out of her...if she found out he already knew, it would be bad. She'd think he only wanted to do those things to get back at her, and it would put a huge set back in all they were working towards. Suddenly, he was feeling just as nervous as her.

"Ok, well let's meet at 8 in the lobby." He let her go, and watched as she nodded in agreement. "I'm looking forward to it." He said tenderly, needing to get rid of some of the guilt he was feeling.

Meredith watched him walk away and sighed, knowing she had to tell him as soon as possible. Here he was, going out of his way to be a great husband and she was keeping secrets from him.

They were supposed to meet at 8, she knew that, but she couldn't wait until then. There was no way she could tell him at dinner, and ruin their perfect evening. No..she had to tell him before..and if he canceled it all, well then that's what she deserved.

She had beaten herself up for the remainder of the afternoon, and it didn't help that every time she passed Alex in the hallway he asked her if she'd told him yet. With sudden confidence she walked into his office causing him to look up from his paper work.

A smile crossed his lips, but suddenly faded noticing how upset she looked. His face went pale. This had to end, he hadn't meant to put her through so much stress, he really had thought she would have told him by now...he never thought it would have put her through so much stress.

He kicked himself for thinking of such a stupid idea. She didn't need any more stress than their hectic life already entailed. "Meredith I..." "No." She interrupted and he shut up, surprised at her outburst.

With a determined look in her eyes she walked closer to his desk and let out a deep breath before continuing. "I lied to you today, I was avoiding you..." He looked at her surprised at her sudden lack of nervousness, but not at her confession. "I walked in on Mark in the shower this morning..I thought...I was tired, and confused..I mean why would anyone but you be in there..."

He watched her features change as she told her version of the story flowing through it in a rehearsed fashion. "I touched his ass...I really thought it was you, I wanted you...and I was so damn tired...I stopped..once I realized it was him..I should have known it was you from the beginning..I'm so sorry.."

She finished her speech breathless and he just stared at her, overcome with adoration for the tiny women in front of him. She looked at him, and then down at the floor and he noticed her nervousness return.

"I feel horrible Derek...I don't want you thinking it meant anything because it didn't..but I'd understand if you got mad..so just yell..I should have told you so I deserve it.." Her voice was sad, and berating. He was glad she realized she should have told him, but sad at the fact that she had beaten herself up over it.

That was never his intention...and he needed to correct it. Standing up he stepped out from behind his desk and was at her side in minutes. Her eyes met his, confused at his reaction. He didn't look mad, but there was something in his eyes. Something darker. Before she could say anything else his lips were crashing against hers and he had slipped his tongue in her mouth mingling with hers.

The kiss went from gentle to violent in a matter of seconds and she through her arms around his neck to keep herself from being knocked over. It ended just like it started and he broke away leaving them both breathless. His eyes were now filled with pure lust and her breath hitched at the intensity of it.

"Thank you for telling me." He breathed before stepping closer to her again, needing to pull her into another kiss. She stepped back reluctantly, too confused to let it happen. "That's it? You're not mad...I lied to you, it's ok to be angry..."

Derek smirked and pulled her to him despite her attempts to get away. "It's ok. You're forgiven..." He was never angry at her in the first place, just confused as to why she was refusing to tell him.

"But Derek, I... he saw me naked...you are allowed to be mad...I saw his penis.." She was resisting the tiny circles his tongue was making beneath her ear lob. He pulled away, allowing her to step further from him. She couldn't let him seduce her, not if he was hiding anger.

"You saw his penis?" He asked, low in his throat, pretending to be mad...but unable to hide the lust in his voice. She arched her brow, completely taken back by his reaction.

She backed away as he stepped closer until she was stuck against the chair and he pushed her down into it so that he was standing over her. Slowly he pulled down his scrub pants, taking his time to let them pool around his ankles before slipping his boxers down as well. She now had a full view of his fully erect penis and she wondered how in the hell this had turned him on.

"Derek..I don't understand.." She couldn't finish, couldn't get the rest of the sentence out before his hand was on his hard flesh, stroking it in front of her. The sight was had quickly turned her on and she stared at him with a mixture of shock and anticipation.

"Do you like his better than mine?" It sounded like such a stupid question, but Derek pulled it off smoothly, exaggerating his motions. Stepping closer to her and letting go of himself he replaced his hand with hers.

Her heart rate quickened at the feel of his soft skin in her hand. No. No...Mark was nothing...no man was anything compared to how Derek made her feel. Her hand grazed over the already moist head causing him to let out a shaky breath

"Tell me Meredith.." He stilled her movements, not wanting to let her have control. She couldn't say the words he was requesting, the lust was overtaking her mind. Reaching for her he pulled at her top needed to see her naked body. She got the hint, and silently helped him remove the layers of clothing exposing her breasts and belly.

She watched in awe as he leaned over her and took her left nipple into his mouth, swirling it around his tongue like he had done to her mouth. She moaned low in her throat at the warmth of his mouth and rested her head onto the back of the chair as he paid the same attention to her right nipple.

He stopped suddenly, realizing she still had not answered his question and looked up at her. "Meredith. I need to know." She looked into his darkened eyes and racked her brain to remember what he had asked. "No..I love yours.." It would have sounded silly to any listener. Like some teenage conversation, but they were too far gone in their haze to even notice.

He smirked at that. Knowing the answer already, but needing to hear her say it. Gazing at her full lips he moved to them again, kissing her like it was his only job on earth. Her hands went to his hair, running her fingers through it, never wanting him to stop.

Needing air he broke away and stood up fully. She went to get up, but it was hard with her swollen stomach so he helped her but instead of letting go turned her around so that she was propped against his desk.

His eyes were wild as he pulled her pants and underwear down giving him access to her moist folds. She couldn't help but moan as he traced a pattern bellow her belly button and traveled even lower, grazing over the tiny bud of nerves.

She had never been with any man that had the ability to turn her on like he did. "Do you think that he can please you like I can?" He thrust a gentle finger into her, curling it upwards, knowing exactly how she liked it. She let out a gasp and tried to get her thoughts in order. He did know her, he knew he inside and out and she couldn't imagine anyone else being able to please her like him.

He thrust into her once more before adding a second finger, loving the feel of her moisture around them. "Meredith...do you think he knows what you like?" He whispered, and she whimpered as he sped up his movements. He was teasing her, knowing the answers to all the questions.

"No...oh..no." He chuckled at her response. Her eyes were closed and he loved watching the pleasure across her face. Pleasure that he was causing. Without stopping his movements he got to his knees and added his tongue to the mix, running it over her smooth folds. She opened her eyes surprised, and then moaned out his name.

She was getting worked up now, and her tiny moans were driving him crazy. Standing up he positioned himself and guided his way into her slowly, taking his time to enjoy the way he slipped into her tightness.

He groaned at the feeling of her surrounding him and thrust into her slowly, wanting to make the feeling last. Her moans grew louder and more frantic and she thrust back encouraging him to pick up the pace but it wouldn't. She liked to take control, and he wasn't going to let her.

Growing frustrated with the slow pace she pleaded with him and he watched her, even more determined to take it slow. "Oh...Derek please. I need you faster..." She could barely even finish the sentence and he pushed into her even more slowly in response.

"Did Mark turn you on like this...?" He pushed into her and allowed himself to stay there, not moving. It was killing him, but he needed her to answer, it was part of the game. Meredith moved her hips trying everything she could to move around him but he held her in a tight embrace.

"No, he could never...please Derek.." She begged and he had to oblige, there wasn't much more he could take either. Quickening his pace he thrust into her knowing full well that her screams were most likely audible from the hallway.

"Oh yesss..Derek..." Her moans turned into a series of inaudible words as her muscles clenched around him. He groaned loudly as his own release shattered through his body and neither of them wanted to move as they came down off their high.

He was reminded of the conversation he had had with Mark earlier..and smirked at the fact that he had indeed used him for compare sex...but what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.


	45. Chapter 45

"I hope I get used to these visits by the end of this pregnancy.." Meredith babbled nervously as Addison finished up her vaginal exam and moved to get the ultra sound ready. The room was cold and sterile, something about the dull white walls irked her, even though she spent almost every day working in the hospital.

"I hate to say it, but I don't think it gets any better. I do these exams at least ten times a day, I know what to expect, and it still freaks me out when I have to be the patient." Addison replied honestly, realizing she'd be put through it all over again in the upcoming months.

Addison looked tired, not just in the smile that barely reached her lips, but in her appearance all together. Her hair was uncharacteristically tied back into a loose messy pony tail. She had on a pair of dark blue scrubs instead of her usual stylish suit and Meredith couldn't remember a time she had seen the older women where barely any make up to work.

"Are you ok...it seems like you need this more than me right now.." Meredith hesitated, hoping her concern hadn't come across as rude. Addison stopped fiddling with the machine and looked at Meredith without the fake smile and Meredith had a hard time keeping her sympathetic sigh at rest.

It took Addison a few minutes to reply, and Meredith wasn't sure if it was because she didn't want to, or if she was thinking of what to say. The two women talked a lot, especially about Mark and Derek. But, still..they were no where near as close as Meredith and Cristina or Izzie.

"It's just morning sickness you know?" Meredith nodded, understanding but not saying anything knowing that there was a lot more to her friend's mood than simple morning sickness.

Addison's focused on prepping Meredith for the ultra sound instead of on her friends face. Addison's avoidance was making her nervous. The woman was strong, stronger than Meredith could ever be and in that moment..she looked like a shell of the friend Meredith thought she knew.

"Are you sure? I don't want to pry...it's just you seem off..and you know you can always talk to me..I owe you at least 8 heart to hearts anyway.." Addison half smiled, grateful for a friend, but still...something was holding her back from opening up.

The ultra sound starting and the familiar whoosh of heartbeats and fluid motion filled the room. Meredith would never get sick of that sound, it filled her body with strength...kept her content knowing that while outside her life was crazy, on the inside...it was tranquil.

Addison stared at the screen waiting for the images to get clear and let out a breath, not being able to hold it all together anymore. "It's so many things..." Meredith sat up, as much as she could, willing the red head to speak.

"It's having a 6 month old at home...who sometimes would rather go to the nanny then to me..and knowing that in 9 months I'm going to have an infant and a toddler to take care of most likely on my own because Mark is never home...and Mark...well, he made it clear he isn't fond of this pregnancy to begin with.." Addison's eyes were full of emotion and she had to look away from Meredith's apologetic gaze to keep herself from crying. She wanted to cry..she wanted to ball her eyes out, but she wouldn't break down, she had to stay strong. She wanted this. This is how she wanted her life to be.

Meredith cleared her throat, shaken by Addison's emotions. "I thought..things were ok with Mark?" She shook her head, feeling completely out of the loop. Once again, she knew nothing about any one else's lives but her own.

"Oh they're fine..if you mean he came home..but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still pregnant with a baby he doesn't want...he's doing all this to humor me, because a part of him feels guilty...but the fact still remains that he doesn't want more children..and I'm having one." A single tear slipped down her cheek and she made no attempts to hide it as she sat down in the chair next to Meredith's bed.

It would have seemed like an odd scene to any outsider. Who goes to a doctor's visit and ends up helping their doctor? But, nothing in their lives was normal. Normal went out the window a long time ago.

"Addison, I'm sure he just needs some time to get used to it. How can anyone feel that way about a baby...things happen..sex happens...that's life.." Meredith felt stupid..she didn't know what to say, or how to comfort her friend. Mark was as much as an enigma as Derek most of the time. At least Addison knew Derek, she lived with him for 10 years, she could read him like the back of her hand...but Mark...no one really ever knew what he was thinking.

Addison wiped the tears from her cheeks and shook her head, knowing the entire situation was her fault. "No, I did this. I wanted another baby...I stopped my birth control...it was a mistake...but..I wanted it so bad..and now I can't even talk to my own husband about any of this because it's my fault to begin with.."

Her words were so soft and heart breaking. Meredith could feel her own tear ducts ready to burst at how upset Addison was. What could she say? She certainly wasn't the go to girl for happy relationships.

Addison took Meredith's silence as a bad thing and stood up, frantically wiping at her eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be bothering you with this, not when you have your own things to deal with.." Meredith tilted her head, watching as Addison slipped back to her strong self, much like a winter coat she would just slip on.

"Addison, it's not that, you can always talk to me...please talk to me...I know what it's like not to have someone to talk to, it kills you after awhile..I just..can't guarantee I'll not what to say...I'm really not good at advice..clearly..." Addison smiled, and it seemed genuine, but there was still a flicker of emotion in her eyes.

The door opened with a clumsy thud against the wall behind it and both girls looked up to see Derek stumble into the room. Pulling off his scrub cap, he approached the bed and took the time to breath. His hair was wild, with curls springing up in all directions. His scrubs were dirty, and he was so out of breath that he had to lean against the rail to steady himself.

"Sorry.." He panted. "I'm so sorry I'm late." Looking around the room his eyes landed on the unmanned ultra sound machine and then onto Addison. She was somewhat startled by his interruption and had quickly tried to hide the last glint of sadness, but it was no use.

He looked down at Meredith with worried eyes searching for any sign of distress on her part. She smiled back at him, and he let out a sigh of relief...but then looked back at Addison realizing that she was upset not because of a problem with Meredith.

"What's wrong?" He asked, concern filling the room. He felt awkward, like he had just walked into the girls bathroom and it unnerved him. Addison shook her head, faking a smile and denied his accusations. "Nothing, we were just talking while we waited for you. Let's get started." Derek didn't buy it, and looked at Meredith for conformation but the "let it go" look on her face told him to drop it.

Sighing he swiped his hands over the hair that so often ended up in Meredith's face and focused on her, knowing that there was something crucial he was missing out on. "Sorry you had to wait for me, my 11:00 coded twice and I had to get Jacobs to close just to get out of there..."

His excuses made him angry, and he was eternally glad that he had Meredith...who understood what could go wrong during a surgery. Anyone not in the profession would have divorced him years ago. Though, Meredith's understanding started with surgery, it stopped when it came to him staying at the hospital if he wasn't obligated to be there...and that was still something they had yet to work out.

Derek's dedication to Meredith and her pregnancy fascinated Addison and she couldn't take her eyes off them. It sent tiny aches of pain through her chest. She wanted to cry again, but not because she still had feelings for Derek. But, because it reminded her that she would never have that dedication to her own pregnancy. She doubted if Mark would even be there for any appointment. Shaking off her sadness before Derek could notice again she began the ultra sound...wanting to get it over with so she could go and cry alone in her office...away from the world.

"You didn't miss anything..." She began and they focused their attention on the grainy screen. Derek fidgeted, suddenly nervous at all the things that could possibly be wrong with the babies. He was in love with them, already. The thought that two perfect things came out of such a horrible year amazed him...it was a sign..a sign that things were going to be ok..and loosing that now..would be devastating.

Meredith seemed at ease, used to silence as Addison looked on at the screen. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Derek's shaky voice broke it, unable to handle it anymore. "Is everything ok...? You'd tell us right?" Both girls noticed the uncertainty in his voice. It was cute, to see him so worked up over a doctor's appointment. After all, he was a doctor, and could actually read the ultra sound himself...

"Sorry." Addison chimed in, trying to concentrate while alleviate Derek's concerns. Baby A just keeps blocking her sister, so I'm waiting till I can get a clear view.." Meredith's hand found Derek's and she squeezed it, silently reminding him to take a breath.

"It's kind of cute actually, she's protecting her sister, I think these two are going to have very interesting personalities." Addison smiled, genuinely. She wanted the couple to be happy...wanted them to have the happy ending they so deserved.

Several minutes went by...the baby shifted as if realizing the coast was clear. Meredith moved Derek's hand to her stomach allowing him to feel it for himself. She often felt guilty, that she got to experience so many things with their children before they were even born.

"Good girl..alright, here's baby A...her head, and arms.." Addison pointed the features out for Derek, who had yet to see his girls at an ultra sound. "And here's B. She's still smaller...I was hoping she'd have caught up by now, so we're going to have to really watch her." Addison couldn't hide the slight concern in her voice.

Meredith squeezed his hand again, offering him support, even though she herself needed some as well. "So...what do we do..I mean...will she be ok?" Meredith worried. Addison replied, trying to help with their concerns, but knowing that there were no guarantees.

"Well, right now she's ok. She's noticeably smaller, but her heart beat is strong, and she seems to be developing fine...at this point..I don't want to get too concerned yet. This happens with twins. There isn't much room in there, and it isn't uncommon for one twin to get more nutrients than the other.."

Meredith nodded, still not sure what it could mean for the future of her pregnancy. It was hard for Addison to be their doctor. She was stuck between giving them the typical doctor worse case scenario..and giving them what she thought as their friend. Meredith knew it was a fine line, and tried to remember that at each appointment.

The couple stared at her nervously, and she wasn't sure what to say to comfort them. The risks were always higher with twins...she saw many pregnancies that made it no where near term and ended in disaster, things were ok so far, but she didn't want to give them a false sense of reality. Things could change in a matter of days...they knew that. But in that moment, they weren't doctors, but patients...and it was her job to guide them.

"I wont lie to you. You both know the risks. If she were to stop developing at this point...well...you know what the outcome would be." She sucked in a breath, not even wanting to think of ramifications of them loosing a baby. Derek looked at her with desperation, clinging to her knowledge of the specialty she basically pioneered.

"But, for right now they are ok. Baby B is smaller..but if they aren't identical...that could explain the difference. Maybe she will just be a petite little thing like Mereidht..it's too hard to say at this point. But, I want to start seeing Meredith once a week to monitor the babies."

A chill of uneasiness ran up Derek's spine, but looking into Addison's eyes, he knew she wouldn't sugar coat things for them, and for that he was grateful. "This is scary." Meredith admitted, not taking her eyes off the screen. Suddenly her worries went from her marriage to the health of her children.

"How is everything else?" He asked, noticeably freaked out by the appointment. Addison flipped through the her chart, trying to remember what she had done earlier.

"Her blood pressure is still higher than I would like." "I keep telling her we need to watch that.." Meredith arched her eye brow at the two of them as they talked about her like she wasn't even in the room.

"I'm still here you know!" She piped in annoyed and Addison gave her an apologetic smile. It was easy to get caught up in Derek, he was more openly nervous. Derek kissed her forehead, letting her know she was not forgotten.

"Have you had any headaches...or dizziness?" Slipping back into doctor mode came easy for Addison. Meredith hesitated, not meeting her eyes and Derek noticed right away. "Meredith?" He accused, not roughly, but forceful enough for her to turn and look at him.

"I've been having headaches...recently..." She ignored the way his eyes were boring into hers. "How about any swelling?" Addison pulled off Meredith socks and examined her feet. With a sigh she looked up at Meredith knowing the answer to the question.

Knowing the worried look Derek looked at Meredith and then back at his ex-wife. "What is it?" He couldn't handle feeling out of the loop and couldn't really believe things had been going on with his wife that he didn't know about.

"Her feet are swollen...and combined with the headaches they are common symptoms of..." "Preaclamsia" Meredith interrupted and Derek wracked his brain to remember what that was.

"Meredith..how..why didn't you tell me?" He asked stunned, and the room suddenly seemed to shrink around her. Both sets of eyes were focused on her and she felt like sinking into the bed.

"It just started this week...I'm a doctor, I know what it means..I just wanted to wait and see if it got better..." Derek looked at her intently and shook his head. "What does this mean Addison?" He was more nervous than ever now. After struggling to remember what the condition was in the first place he was struck by how serious it could be.

"It means we're going to have to watch her blood pressure...if it gets too high, which it often does later in pregnancy we're going to have to induce her...it's more of a risk to her...and unfortunately the only cure is delivery."

Derek stared off into space...and then came back with a horrified look on his face. Loosing the babies was one sort of anxiety, but the prospect of loosing Meredith was another entirely.

"Meredith, you can't keep these things to yourself, you're a damn doctor, you know what could happen if...you just can't hide things!" He hissed...keeping his voice low, but not at all comforting. Addison rolled her eyes knowing that he was right, but that it was no reason for him to get angry.

"Derek, don't get mad, you two fighting will not help her condition. I'm going to get a kit so I can draw some blood. Don't kill each other while I'm gone." Addison left the room somewhat glad for an excuse to get away from the tension that was building.

Derek took a deep breath knowing Addison was right, he couldn't get angry...but he couldn't believe she hadn't told him about it. "Meredith, please don't keep things like this from me..." She looked at him, knowing he could very well yell, and have every right to...but she was glad he was sticking to the new no yelling Derek.

"I'm sorry...I didn't want you to worry...unless we had to.." Her reasoning sounded silly once she said it out loud. Stepping closer to the bed he looked into her eyes and saw all the insecurities that lay within them.

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her. There lips met and he nibbled on her bottom lip but didn't dare let his tongue glide into hers. "I'm always going to worry about you Meredith. These babies mean everything to me, but you, you are my world...so there is no way I'm not going to worry. I'd worry a lot less if I knew you were being honest."

"I don't want to burden you with the annoying details of pregnancy..." Derek rolled his eyes at her and kissed her again, this time letting his tongue invade her mouth and swirl around before he pulled away, not wanting to get carried away.

"I like details...in fact I need details. I need to know." He whispered, and she nodded, realizing that she didn't have to keep everything to herself. His pager went off, as Addison walked back in the room and he groaned not wanting to leave. Being a surgeon was about the furthest thing from his mind.


	46. Chapter 46

Ava bounded into the kitchen the next evening with endless amounts of energy. She didn't stop until she had plowed into the back of Meredith's legs like a bull. Her cute little giggle echoed through the kitchen when Meredith picked her up into her arms.

"I missed you mommy!" The girl exclaimed and dug her head into the crook of Meredith's neck. She sighed, and hugged her tighter and wondered what life would be like if Ava didn't have to spend an average of 8 hours a day in day care.

"Is Cinderella and Hannah here yet?" "Uh...Hannah?" Meredith asked confused. Cinderella she was used to...but Hannah..that was new all together. "Yeah mommy, daddy says we need to think of names for my babies and I like Hannah..like Hannah Montana!"

Meredith smiled, not sure how they were ever going to get away with naming them anything other than Cinderella. She was pretty sure they were going with Caroline anyway...but convincing her daughter of that was going to be a challenge. Derek entered the kitchen weighed down by several bags of groceries and plopped them all onto the floor with a thud.

"I don't know about Hannah Ava. Daddy really likes the name Caroline." Ava made a face and wiggled down out of her mother's arms. "No. Hannah Montana." She whined and Meredith nodded, changing the subject in order to prevent a tantrum.

"Did you have fun at school today?" She asked, watching as Derek pulled out box after box of healthy snacks. "Yes...daddy said me and Andrew can have a date!" "A play date.." Derek interrupted, and Ava ignored him. "And then we went to the store and I got cookies..." "For after dinner.." Derek interrupted again casting a glance at Meredith to ensure she wasn't glaring at him.

"Yesss..but I got to eat candies in line...but that's a secret..." Derek launched her into his arms and tickled her mercilessly. "It's not a secret now princess..you're not supposed to tell!" Her belly laughs echoed through the house and Meredith watched with a smile, happy that for once it was dinner time..and all three of them were actually together.

"Daddy...stop..mommy help, help.." She gasped between laughs and reached out for her mother. Meredith took her into her arms again, protecting her from the tickling assault.

"You shouldn't be lifting her like that." He commented and she turned away from him and propped Ava onto the counter. "What else did you do today?" She asked her daughter, ignoring Derek as he came up behind her and squeezed her ass.

"Daddy and I got a new friend at the store. Her names Holly, but he told me not to tell..." Ava looked at her father, realizing she had said too much, but stuck her tongue out at him as he moved closer to her ready to tickle her again.

"A new friend huh?" She tried to hide the irritation in her voice. "She said I was the most prettiest girl she ever saw. Then she gave us her phone number so we can call!"

Derek chuckled, at Ava's knack for rating him out and then stopped abruptly at Meredith's arched eye brow. "I can't help it, women flock to me when I have Ava...she's a magnet if I were single I'd have a date every night because of this one." He joked, putting Ava down...but Meredith didn't laugh and turned to look at him.

"Hmm...I guess she cancels out the wedding ring on your finger...?" She snapped, looking down at his left hand. Derek watched her, realizing she was getting annoyed. "Daddy, is Holly your girlfriend?" Asked Ava innocently and Meredith cleared her throat and snatched the bag of cookies out of Ava's hands.

"Silly, mommy's my girlfriend.." He announced and moved closer to Meredith in order to kiss her on the cheek. Meredith just watched him, slightly annoyed and didn't turn her head to make the kiss anything more than a peck on the cheek.

"Can I watch Hannah now?" Their daughter asked and both of them shook their heads not noticing the candy she had smuggled into her pocket.

"So is that why you took 2 hours at the grocery store? You were distracted by Holly?" She pretended to joke, but Derek could tell her voice was full of sarcasm. Derek gave her an amused look, enjoying territorial Meredith. It wasn't something he got to see very often.

"No, I took two hours because I had to go to three different stores to get 4 different kinds of peanut butter for your latest craving.." He chided, and he pulled her into his arms in an attempt to hug her, but she pulled away annoyed.

"So this is what you do? Use our 4 year old to hit on women?" Derek looked at her confused, not believing she was seriously angry about it. "Meredith...I did not hit on her. She was taken by Ava, she's a babysitter...she gave me her number in case we ever need one..it's pretty nice actually, coming from a complete stranger.."

Meredith rolled her eyes and walked out of the room. He stood there, too stunned to do anything but watch her go until he realized she was serious...and quickly followed after her.

He caught her at the steps, and tugged on her arm checking behind him to make sure Ava was still watching TV. "Meredith, this is insane." He hissed, keeping his voice low so they wouldn't be heard. She refused to look at him and tried to rip her arm out of his grasp.

"I'm sure that's all she wanted was to babysit.." She snapped. Derek shook his head, still not believing she was mad at him for this. Meredith would joke about other women, she'd laugh things off...but she'd never get mad at him for something so silly.

"Meredith...don't get angry over this. She wanted to babysit that's all. Where is this coming from?" He didn't understand and she finally was able to break free of his grasp and walk up the steps.

He went to follow her, but she turned around and met his gaze. She wasn't upset, her eyes weren't hurt or full of betrayal..that made him feel better..it meant she didn't actually believe it had meant anything..but it was the anger in her eyes that scared him.

"I need to take a shower...don't follow me..." He nodded..and let her walk up the steps not sure what else to do. He didn't want to push her, or get into a fight about something so trivial.

"Daddy, I can't find Hannah!" Ava called out to him and he found his way into the family room and plopped down onto the sofa. Ava handed him the remote and he pretended to be flipping through channels, but his head was really on Meredith.

"Daddy, what's wrong?" Ava asked, curling up into his side. She was preceptive, and seemed to be able to read adults better than any adult could.

Finally finding the channel he threw the remote to the other end of the sofa and pulled Ava into his lap. "Oh...nothing mommy's is just angry..." "Why?" She asked, her attention turning to the tv. "I think...the babies are making her crazy." Ava laughed, thinking he was being silly..but it dawned on him that it probably was the truth...

Meredith didn't reappear after her shower and Derek waited as patiently as he could. "Why'd the babies make mommy crazy?" Ava questioned before digging into her dinner. He regretted making that comment to her, knowing that it would most likely get back to Meredith at the most unfortunate of times. 

"I don't know..." He groaned, massaging his temples in the process. Meredith's current mood swing was driving him insane. It was like an alien had come and taken residence in his wife's body. He wasn't even sure what to do. Confronting her...could make her more mad..and she said she wanted to be left alone..but did she actually mean that? Was it just a test...and when he actually left her alone she'd go crazy and think he didn't care. It was a tough call...one he wasn't used to making with Meredith. She didn't play mind games...but maybe his babies did...great. 'I'm going to be in it for life if that's the case.'

"Did I make mommy crazy?" Ava wondered, happily, thinking it was the funniest thing in the world that her dad was calling her mom crazy. He smiled, watching her inhale her dinner. He wracked his brain, trying to wrap it around Meredith's first pregnancy.

He didn't remember much, which sounded bad, but he was such a mixture of nerves and excitement that all he could concentrate on was worrying over her or planning for Ava. He probably drove her crazy more than she ever did. He was the one who had moods...moody Derek was an understatement. Being a father was something he had always dreamed of, but never thought he'd get. He did everything to ensure Meredith and the babies safety, which he was sure drove everyone around him up the wall.

Realizing Ava was waiting for him, watching him for an answer he replied, "No...no you just made her hungry...really really hungry.." 'For more than just food..' he thought and had to hide the grin off his face. 'Christ I'm a sick man...remembering how great the sex was with my daughter sitting here...'

He shook the thoughts away and looked at the clock longingly, realizing Meredith still hadn't come downstairs. "I'm gonna go find mommy, can you finish your dinner so we can have cookies later?"

Ava flashed him a smile, but pointed a finger at him as he got up. "No yelling daddy!" She disciplined in a very Addison like way. He broke into a grin that spread to his ears at how adorable his daughter was. Though she was every bit him and Meredith's...she was loved by so many people..and had pieces of each of them in her too.

Derek blew her a kiss and left the room and Ava watched him go, before pulling the chair up to the island and looking longingly at the cookies that sat upon it. "No cookies Ava..." She disciplined herself this time, trying to find a balance between what she knew was wrong, and what she wanted so bad.

"I'll be back baby.." She heard her father call to her from the landing causing her to pull her hand away forcefully. Using her arm she swiped the bag to the floor "accidentally" ...watching as they bounced to the ground.

"Daddy...the cookies fell down.." She yelled and waited for a reaction..but one never came. He was out of ear shot..and she took that as her opportunity to get herself dessert.

Derek could see Meredith sitting in the recliner by the window. She knew he had walked into the room, but didn't move her eyes from the motionless land outside. He walked to her slowly, giving her time to react and stop him, but instead she just turned to face him.

The anger he had seen earlier had vanished, and he was relieved to see her break into a half smile. He stood beside her, but didn't want to make her feel inferior, so he opted to kneel down in front of her.

"Feeling better?" He asked, leaning in so that he could place his hands evenly across her belly. He hoped she wouldn't object, he was fascinated by her growing stomach and as the dad, he felt he had the right to touch it whenever he pleased.

She nodded, silently, and watched as he massaged his hands over her expanded skin. "What was that all about earlier?" He didn't want to interrogate her, but he had to know he hadn't messed up.

"What was what?" She replied, seriously, and he stared her down trying to see if she was pulling his leg. 'It's impossible..' He thought...'She has got to be kidding me..'

Her tell tale smirk never came though and she stared at him wondering what he was thinking. His face was a mess of confusion and he fumbled over his words choosing them carefully.

"Meredith! Two hours ago..you flipped out over a phone number! and now..you don't care?" He stood up, throwing his hands in the air. "Why are the babies making her crazy?" Ava's words from earlier ran through his head and it hit him suddenly, like a wave.

"Oh...I get it." "Get what?" She asked, now it was her turn to be confused. Stepping closer to her once again he tilted his head and grinned at her again. "These are the dreaded hormones...that have been masked under all the sex.."

"She shook her head denying it, feeling uncomfortable that he was getting so close. "I was just angry.." She attempted, trying not to focus on the heat radiating from his body. "Hmm.." He groaned low in his throat. "At what Meredith? Do you honestly think I would leave you...my pregnant wife for some girl I met at the super market? Who..I forgot to mention had a son by her side and a husband in the next aisle. I met him, he's a nice guy actually, went to Harvard." He was teasing her, waiting for her to admit that it had indeed been her hormones.

A sheepish grin crossed her face and her mouth fell open. "Ava didn't say anything about a son and husband..." She told him, taunting his story. "Well, that's what happens when you get your information from a 4 year old...not that you let me get a word in edge wise.."

She glared at him and went back to staring out the window. "I see...I hit a nerve there...is this what I'm going to have to deal with for the next 4 months..because if so I'd rather be prepared...maybe keep the sheets cleaned in the guest room.." She hit him, square in the chest and he acted hurt, but in all reality couldn't keep his eyes from gazing down to her chest.

"It's not the hormones..and don't think you are going to be taking the babies anywhere alone when they are born...everyone loves twins..and if they're identical...you're seriously not taking them out by yourself...girls love twins.."

Derek shot her another confused look. "Ah, so possessive hormones...I like that." He laughed and traced his hand up to her waist and untying the pink terry cloth rob she had on.

"Derek, what are you doing?" She asked, knowing full well, but wanting to call him out on it. "What does it look like Doctor Shepherd?" He asked letting the robe fall open to reveal her perfectly rounded milky skin. He traced his fingers down to her belly again, and then slowly made his way even lower, stopping just below her folds.

"Derek" She warned and he paid no attention slipping his hand even lower and making a lazy circle around her nerves. "Stop. I don't need to explain to our 4 year old where babies come from when she walks in on us..she can't see us having sex!" She exclaimed trying to pull away from him.

"Who said anything about sex?" He smirked, and stuck a finger in her and paused, at how wet she was. "Derek, she'll hear us." She squirmed and he thrust another finger into her. "We can be quiet..." He replied and slipped down so that his head rested on her thigh.

"Derek, we don't have time." She said in the same tone, trying to ignore the way his breath was tickling her thigh. "We can be fast.." He replied matching her tone. She couldn't resist the moan that escaped her mouth as his tongue found her bundle of nerves and flicked it.

"Derek stop, how could this possibly be turning you on? I'm an emotional fat freak." She tried once again to push him away but stopped suddenly as his fingers slipped into her again. Lifting his head up he watched her eyes cloud over.

"Territorial Meredith turns me on..." Her eyes slipped shut as he quickened his movements. "Look at me." She opened her eyes to stare into his, desire cursed through each of them.

"You are not fat. You're beautiful. The fact that you are carrying my children is a huge turn on, I can't help it. I'd keep you pregnant for the next ten years if it meant looking at you like this."

He didn't give her the chance to reply, before he was between her legs and running his tongue along her once again. He pleased her until she was biting her lip in order to keep from screaming out his name.

"I told you we had time.." He leered tying her rob back in place. She watched him with lidded eyes wanting nothing more than to collapse into his arms. His pants were tight and uncomfortable, but he did his best to put the feeling aside knowing that his daughter had been unattended for far too long.

Surely enough Ava crept into the room minutes later moaning and holding her stomach. Her face was covered in chocolate and she had remnants of cookie crumbs down her shirt.

"My tummy hurts.." She cried and walked to Meredith's side. "What did you eat?" Meredith asked, all thoughts of the amazing orgasm she had just had leaving her mind. "the cookies, I'm sorry." She cried into Meredith's leg and she went to lift her up before Derek beat her to it and picked her up into his arms.

"You need to stop lifting her." He told her, and placed her into Meredith's waiting lap. "Derek, I'm not an invalid!" She snapped, annoyed with his hovering. He didn't respond and watched as she interacted with their daughter. He had a feeling that when he walked down stairs he'd find all 24 chocolate chip cookies devoured. He also had a feeling that he wasn't going to get any relief to his sexual frustration that night.


	47. Chapter 47

  
"What are we doing here?" Meredith asked Addison a week later, as the strolled into a trendy baby fashion boutique. Looking up at the crystal chandelier about her, Meredith cringed as she was lead to row after row of very pink, and very expensive baby clothes. 

"We're shopping mommy!" Ava announced, running ahead as she spotted a large stuffed bear. "Exactly..you need to start getting clothes for the girls..you're not going to feel like it after giving birth, I know that for sure." Addison replied pushing Peyton behind Ava.

It was a rare day, Meredith had off and took the time to keep Peyton home from daycare. Addison had no appointments until the evening and had been at the Shepherds door first thing in the morning to whisk them away.

Meredith paused looking at a rack of tiny polo shirts. They looked like doll clothes to her, and she held them up not being able to remember how small babies could be. The clothes were cute, adorable even, but she was still unable to shop for the babies. It felt odd..like she was going to jinx herself by getting ready too soon.

"Oh Meredith you have to have this." Addison held up a miniature gray pea coat. She found a black one to match and compared the two. "Have you guys discussed if you were dressing them alike?" She asked, contemplating both coats and not knowing what colors to choose.

Meredith glanced on at the racks upon racks of coats. "Uhh..I don't know, we...I never really thought about it before." Addison contemplated each parcel and then threw both the black and gray on into the cart.

"Well...honesty, I think dressing them alike is just taking the easy way out. Shopping for two is even more fun, they could coordinate without dressing the same. Oh this will be so much better than I thought."

Meredith looked at her oddly and kept up as her friend examined article upon article of clothing. She tried to pay attention, but it was too hard as sweaters, itty bitty pants and collared shirts made their way into the cart.

Finally coming to her senses she dug out the pea coats and examined them more closely. "Addison...these are 100 dollar baby clothes...I don't really...I mean.." Meredith stuttered and looked at Addison who was barely listening to he at all.

"They will probably only wear them for a few weeks...look how fast Peyton grew out of things..what ever happened to onezies and jumpers?" Addison rolled her eyes and stopped to arch an eye brow at Meredith.

"Just because they are small, doesn't mean they can't look nice. They are going to be the best dressed babies around." "But Addison...Derek's going to flip when he sees how much I spent.." Addison laughed in mockery, and then led Meredith forward.

"Derek makes more in a year than most people in a lifetime...you guys don't spend money..your house is paid off, your land is paid off...live it up...you brought his credit card right?" Meredith hesitated before nodding yes.

She wasn't a shopper, and no where up to Addison's potential. She really wasn't one for materialistic things..and didn't think Derek really would be angry..but she felt bad, spending so much money on things her girls would barely ever wear.

"Meredith, as soon as you bring these home, Derek is going to slip into new daddy mode so fast he's not even going to care how much you spent." Meredith agreed, more out of not wanting to hurt Addison's feelings by admitting she had no interest in shopping.

Ava was racing around the store excited over all the baby toys and gifts. The store was most defanetly a little girls wonder land. "Cinderella has to have this dolly!" She exclaimed before throwing it in the cart and racing back to the next corner.

"Please tell me you really aren't naming one of them Cinderella..." Addison asked with dread. "No...we don't have another name picked out..I'm not sure how Ava's going to take it if we don't use it though.."

"You could call her Cindy..." Addison laughed, not at all liking the name. It was Meredith's turn to arch an eye brow and they both made their way to the back of the store which was mostly all nursery things.

Addison didn't really talk for the rest of the trip. She had seemed to be lost in her own world, which she tried to hide...by picking out clothes for Peyton and the babies.

"Is something wrong?" Asked Meredith who was trying not to look at the price as the sales lady wrung up piece after piece of expensive clothing.

Addison forced herself to smile and pretended to be interested in a toy Ava was playing with. It wasn't until later, at the small ice cream parlor, and after she had checked her cell phone about ten times that Addison finally broke.

She stared down at her salad without bothering to touch it. Meredith's own cell phone rang insipidly, and she silenced it, anxious to know what was wrong. She looked at Meredith sheepishly, much like she did at her last ultrasound.

"It's my fault you know...and I know this, I went off the pill...because it took months and months to have Peyton..I had no idea I'd get pregnant again so fast...I thought I'd have time to get him warmed up to the idea.." Addison looked guilt ridden and more upset than ever.

Meredith just stared, not knowing what to say. "Is it still bad?" She felt silly, but didn't know what else to say. A tear slipped down her cheek, and she wiped it off with a napkin.

"Aunt Addy, why you cryin?" Addison smiled at her niece, but tears still spilled continuously down her face. "Are you sad?" Her aunt sniffled in response and attempted another smile, not wanting to upset Ava. Without being told to, Ava jumped down off her seat and crawled into Addison's lap.

"I'll kiss and make it better." She told her aunt while she kissed her on the cheek. Addison laughed, or tried to anyway. Ava was adorable and kind hearted, she kept trying to stop the tears but they wouldn't go away. She felt as if her world was falling apart, and she knew it was her fault.


	48. Chapter 48

Derek walked down into the small into his family room in search of his daughter. He could hear the TV running, but it was strangely silent, too silent for his child the chatter box.

"There you are princess!" Putting his work bag down onto the sofa he knelt down waiting for her to run into his waiting arms. His smile faded as he watched his daughter's face stay glued to the TV.

"Ava, earth to Ava?" She finally looked up and the smile that brightened each and every one of his days spread across her face. "Hi Derek!" She called before turning back to the TV.

Derek went to reply, but then shook his head realizing what she had just said. "Did you just call me Derek?" He stood up making his way to the large flat screen panel attached to the wall and shut it off.

"Hey,... Derek!" She glared at him and he watched her not sure if she was kidding. "You've had too much TV today I think, and my name is dad...preferably daddy..but I'll take dad." He responded and sat beside her on the couch.

"Andrew calls his parents John and Kathleen it's cool!" Derek couldn't believe that. He noticed her outfit for the first time and frowned. "Ava, why are you wearing your underwear around the house?" He pulled the fleece blanket from the back of the sofa and rapt it around her.

He wondered how he hadn't noticed the fact that she had been sitting in her undershirt and ariel panties. "You and Meredith get to wear just underwear.." She told him like it was the most common thing in the world.

He blushed, out of habit. Leave it to his 4 year old to pick up on things like that. Truth be told...most of the time him and Meredith were in bed naked..and only made a mad dash for their underwear minutes before they knew Ava would walk into the room.

He wondered what she told her teachers and friends at school. Were they bad parents for having a sex life? He sighed loudly not knowing what excuse to give. "I know sometimes we do...but it's cold, so let's stick to pajamas ok?"

She paid no attention to him, and instead went in search of the remote. "How come I didn't get a hug today Ava? Aren't you happy to see me?" He mocked, and took the remote she had finally found out of her hands.

Frowning, she reached for it, but he lifting his arm out of her reach. "Hanna Bananas on!" She explained and lost her chance at the remote once he started tickling her. "Hannah Banana...who?" He wasn't caught up on kid television. He knew it was one of Ava's favorites...but he wasn't home enough to actually see much of the show.

Derek wasn't too fond of TV in the first place, he would much rather Ava be outside playing..but in Seattle..the rain made that impossible...and the dangers of them living in the middle of no where made them both too uneasy to let her out alone. Meredith assured him that Hannah was "a tween rat faced girl with a funny accent..but otherwise harmless..." but Derek was getting the feeling Hannah whoever was responsible for the adult changes in his daughter.

"Hannah's cool, I want to be a singer like her when I grow up Derek!" Derek frowned, not because she wanted to be a singer, but because she looked up to a teen TV character instead of a real life hero...like himself.

"Ava, you can be whatever you want when you grow up, but you can not call me Derek. It's not nice. I didn't almost loose my hand for 9 hours because your mommy squeezed it too hard the day you were born and then, comfort you while you cried the first two weeks of your life to be called Derek. It's daddy. Besides it's Dr. Derek anyway." He mocked and she replied by sticking her tongue out at him.

"OK, Dr. Daddy Derek..." She told him and to his amazement, she was dead serious. He gave her credit, she had the courage of her mother, though he wondered if Ava just knew he was a softy.

More out of his own curiosity than to satisfy is 4 year old, he flipped on the TV and watched the screen. "She talks funny." He commented to himself, because Ava was sucked into tween land.

After 5 minutes he couldn't take anymore singing and stood up. Meredith was right, the show was harmless...but much too annoying to sit through. "Where's mommy?" He asked, realizing he hadn't seen her.

"Meredith's in the babies' room." Ava told him barely taking her eyes away. He groaned and stood in front of the TV to block her view. "Call her mommy, please, you're going to hurt her feelings and then she might cry.." He was being serious, Meredith was so random as to what upset her lately, he couldn't be too careful.

"Kay." She responded, with no meaning. "Ava Grace, look at me." He commanded, no longer playing. He was growing frustrated with his distracted daughter. She took her head away, afraid by his tone of voice.

His features softened once he had her attention. "You need to stop calling us Meredith and Derek. If Andrew does it...than that's up to his parents, but you will call us mommy and daddy..." She nodded, still afraid she was getting yelled at.

He bent down and kissed her hairline. "I love you." He told her and she pulled onto his neck and grabbed him into an awkward hug. He sighed, happy he was being paid attention to.

"Watch this for a little while I go find mommy, and then we'll get ready for bed." She nodded happily, but her eyes were glued to the tv once again before he had even left the room.


	49. Chapter 49

Derek leaned against the doorway with a smile on his face watching as Meredith tore apart what was once one of their guest rooms. He couldn't help but marvel over the fact that she was most likely exhausted after having Ava all day, but still was there arranging the room.

She tossed books and magazines into the box at her feet and then moved on to empty out the contents of the desk that sat by the window. They had used it for storage and the occasional visit from his family, which once usually only every other Christmas. Even still, his mother preferred the room across the hall, the one Derek had quasi called his own.

He was content to watch her actions until she tried to move the desk away from the wall. He didn't want to come galloping in on his high horse...so he knocked on the door, making it seem as if he hadn't been there long enough to catch her attempting to move the heavy piece of furniture.

She jumped, frightened by the unexpected noise, but relaxed once she saw his masculine form step into the room. "I was wondering where I'd find you." He commented, and took his time to survey the room.

There were boxes everywhere filled with odds and ends they had put in the room...just to get it out of the way. Old medical text books and trinkets from Derek's childhood filled each box. A silver frame caught his attention and he noticed for the first time that she had dug his old wedding photo out of the closet.

He had kept it...even after his divorce with Addison had long since been finalized. It wasn't exactly something you could just get rid of, it was history after all. On the other hand, it wasn't something he had wanted stored in his own bedroom, so he snatched it from the boxes bound for their bedroom closet the day they moved in and stowed it away in the guest room.

Meredith had propped it up on the dresser that looked like it had moved about a foot from the wall. He shook his head, knowing she had most likely been hiding up there for hours.

Walking over to the dresser he took the large frame into his hands and looked at it briefly, reliving the moment it captured in a purely reminiscent way. It was taken in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City. He looked much younger, naive, and  
and almost uncomfortable. Addison dress was as grand as it could get with a long train that rapt around at her feet.

Over 400 people were there, mostly extended members of both of their huge Irish/Catholic families. Both families were well off, and could afford anything, and the wedding proved that. He smiled, wondering how in the world he had lived in the shell of a person.

His wedding photo with Meredith sat in the family room, it told a different tale. He was older, wiser, and more comfortable than he had ever been. She wore simple dress, one that fit her personality in just the right way. Their pictures were outside, with the sunsetting against the bay in the background. It provided just the right light to capture the moment, and it was one he never wanted to forget.

"I was wondering where you stashed that." She broke him out of his reverie and walked over to the bed to sit down. With a last look he placed it carefully in the attic bound boxes and joined her.

"Yeah, it didn't feel right in our closet." Meredith nodded, understanding the feeling. The bed was covered in pink boutique bags. Some had been opened, their contents and tissue paper scattered everywhere. Others, still remained in tact, waiting patiently for their contents to be revealed.

"I see Addison taught you the secrets to great shopping?" He picked up a small pink sweater, one that he was sure wouldn't fit past his elbow. "Well, she pretty much shopped, I just bought.."

Meredith looked around the bed, overwhelmed by how many clothes were really there. Looking at the tag on the sweater he coughed, at the price and wrinkled his brow at Meredith.

"So I see...call me crazy..but I didn't realize Armani made baby clothes..I actually wasn't sure baby clothes could cost that much..I mean..it's barely a shirt." He was amazed, and put it down to pick up it's match in blue. He didn't notice Meredith's frown.

"I know..I'm sorry..you don't even want to know how much I spent..I can...we should take them back." She felt guilty for spending the money and looked at him with remorse.

Putting down the sweater he made room for himself next to her and lifted her chin up to his eye level. "Meredith, don't worry about the money, we make it to spend it, I'm just surprised, I don't really remember Ava having those kinds of clothes." He grazed her lips with a soft kiss and then looked behind her into the bags that had been unopened.

"It was hot when she was born...we didn't need warm clothes..and Ava spent more time rapt in your old T-shirt do you remember?" He smiled, lifting up two biddy patent mary jane shoes. "Of course I remember, you gave it to her to rock her to sleep once I went back to work." It was her turn to smile, remembering how she had been a daddy's girl from the start.

Her smile faltered, as her mind ran over the list she had made of things to do before the baby was born. The shopping trip had done nothing other than remind of her of just how soon the babies were coming..and how little she had done. She hadn't even picked a room until an hour before Derek arrived home.

"Are we going to dress them the same?" Her question confused him and he furrowed his brow. "The babies?" It had been a long day, and he wasn't very quick at following her train of thought.

She looked away from him and motioned to the clothes. "Yes the babies, do you think we should dress them alike? Addison didn't think so..so we bought the same things in different colors..but then what if they fight over colors..and I don't want them always labeled into one color..like..so and so wheres blue...and so and so wheres green.."

She spoke fast, and Derek tilted his head trying to take it all in. He hadn't thought about that, though he admitted it didn't really seem like something that important. "Um..I don't know..I mean...does it really matter? They wont be able to have any say in what they wear for awhile..and I can't see two infants fighting over colors." He chuckled, but stopped as she stared at him blankly.

"Of course it matters Derek." She let out an exasperated sigh and dumped on the bags out of the bed. Little baby pants fell out and she held them up. If we dress them the same they will forever be "the twins" and that could really mess with them after awhile..but if we dress them different..who gets what clothes...do they share them? Do we label them...it's a big deal."

He stood up, listening to her ramble, and moved closer to her without her even noticing. It wasn't like her to care about clothes, or things of that nature, he suspected there was more to this sudden freak out.

"Hey," He called her back to him and pulled the pants out of her hand. Looking into her eyes he could see the fear looking back at him. "I don't think we should dress them alike, if they look the same, it will just confuse people. Although, if it's a picture thing..my mom will one them in matching outfits always. She did it with my sisters twins, and you know they aren't even the same sex..imagine how embarrassing  
that will be later in life."

She smiled at his ability to make light of the situation. He gave her his hand to help her up and went behind her back to wrap his arms around her from behind. It was the only way to really hold her with her growing stomach.

"We'll leave it up to them. They can share clothes, they can pick colors..if they want to dress the same...they can..if they want to both wear pink one day..we'll be sure to have two of everything just in case." She sighed as his words soothed into her ear. He had a way to make anything seem ok, she could do this, they would be fine.

"Derek, there's so much to do...we still need another name...we have to get this room ready...we don't even have enough supplies for two babies.." He held her more tightly, wrapping his arms around her belly.

"Your right..we'll start our name search, it has to be as pretty as Caroline. And..as for this room...tell me what you'd like and I'll do it. I'm leaving it up to you." He was speaking softer now, almost whispering into her ear.

Slowly he began kissing her earlobe, and traveling down to her neck. "I wish I had the day off with you." He breathed but she pulled her neck out of his reach. "I need you to talk to Mark." She responded, catching him off guard.

Groaning loudly he released her. The mood was effectively ruined. "Why do I need to talk to Mark, I talked to him earlier." She turned to face him and he wasn't willing to let her go so easily. He kept her delicate hand grasped tightly in his.

"You need to talk to him about Addison..it's ridiculous. He's acting like a huge baby and it's really hurting her." Derek shook his head and pulled her closer. "Oh no, I'm not getting in the middle of that. He's a big boy, I can't just go and start telling him what to do. He's hurting too."

Meredith pulled her hand out of his and narrowed her eyes. "Derek, she was crying today at lunch, she was crying at my last appointment too. He sleeps on the sofa..he wont acknowledge they are having a baby" Derek's features softened at hearing how upset his ex wife had been.

"She didn't tell me that."

"She hasn't told anyone...she broke down in front of me..barely..and Mark wont talk to her long enough for her to tell him..it's not good for her to be so upset all the time." Derek contemplated this, and moved closer to her once again.

"Wow..I had no idea.." He took her in his arms once again in the same position he was in before. "That's awful, he hasn't said anything about it." He was breathing into her ear again, trying to get her into the mood. He cared about Addison and Mark, but the idea of seducing his wife was at the forefront of his mind.

He began kissing her neck again, planting feather lite kisses just below her jawline. "So can you talk to him about it? Maybe get him to talk to her?" Derek sighed and mumbled a distracted "Sure." Meredith let him kiss her for a few more seconds before she shook him off.

"Derek, I'm serious, will you talk to him?" She glared at him and he ignored her question continuing to send a trail down her neck. He nodded, "Sure, sure..let's put Ava to bed and take a bath.."

She shook him off for good this time and turned to look at him. "Derek!" He groaned, and ran his fingers through his hair annoyed. "Mer..come on.." He begged, suddenly horny and thinking about nothing other than getting her naked.

"No, not until you talk to Mark." She crossed her arms as best she could and arched an eye brow at him. He stared at her. "You're serious?" She didn't have to respond, her face said it all.

"Ok, I'll talk to him at work tomorrow." He agreed, still not even really thinking about Addison or Mark. He went to pull her closer but she shook her head. "No, until you talk to him, my pants are staying on."

Derek watched her, testing her to see if she was serious. After a minute of her staring him down he gave in. "Fine, I'll see what I can do." He groaned. He came closer to her taking her hand in his again. She leaned in to kiss him, and pulled away before he could deepen the kiss.

"Thanks Derek" She mumbled sweetly before walking away from him and leaving him alone in the room.


	50. Chapter 50

"Mark, I've been looking for you!" Derek nearly yelled down the hall as he raced past the board trying to catch his friend. He wasn't an easy guy to find that morning, and Derek was getting frustrated, knowing Meredith would probably stop speaking to him if he didn't talk to Mark.

Mark stopped before reaching his office and smirked at Derek. "Ah..I knew it, after all these years you're admitting ...you're in love with me." Derek laughed, a loud happy sound that made Mark's secretary turn to stare at them.

The door was pushed open and Derek nearly flung himself into the office ready to get the conversation over with. He wasn't even sure how to approach the subject..Mark really wasn't one to listen to advice...obviously.

"I was actually looking for you." Mark replied, not even looking at Derek, but instead focusing his attention on his computer screen. "Oh, that's funny..I wanted to talk to you...abou.." "Fucking Boston won!" Mark interrupted, slamming his fist down on his desk. "The Yankees we robbed this year, Derek." Mark was now fully into the sports news website and Derek looked at him incredulously.

"Um..don't you have a hospital to run..or like..patients to see?" Derek asked, slightly annoyed, but not surprised at Mark's lack of interest in anything other than sports. "Ah, not really, that's the good part of being chief..you don't have to give a rat's ass about patients anymore...and the hospital sort of runs itself nowadays." Mark's reply was serious, and Derek just stared at him, wondering what weird episode of the twilight zone had allowed Mark to steal his job from him.

"I should have been chief.." Derek mumbled under his breath, but Mark caught it and finally looked over at him. "Yes, you should have, but you wanted a family...blah.."

"I should have been chief, but I'm glad it wasn't me, I'd rather be out there saving lives..something you plastic surgeons would know nothing about...it's family by the way, I need to talk to you about." Mark looked at Derek confused, wondering why he was all the sudden being so moody.

"Wow Derek, somethings really got you in a little mood today now doesn't it? Could it be 5'7...pretty eyed, and answer to the name Grey?"

"Shepherd." Derek snapped and Mark sat defeated. An awkward silence passed between them, neither knowing how it had really gotten there. Derek himself wasn't even sure. He had no reason to snap at Mark...except for the fact that he was hurting Addison...and in turn making Meredith upset...with for the most part was destroying his sex life.

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about family too, sort of." Mark broke the silence, not sure how to articulate what he wanted to say. Derek and him always got into this awkward important conversations. Neither of them were experts at communication...so he wondered how they functioned at all.

Derek arched his brow in confusion. He leaned back in his chair expecting to hear about some crazy story his sisters had emailed to him. He was the first to admit he didn't speak to his family as much as Mark did. After marrying Meredith and having Ava, he tried to be the good brother, son, and uncle, but he felt so different from them. They were living in the old life he once loved, they still really didn't except the not so new Seattle Derek.

"It's a funny story really..." Mark started, hoping to relieve some of the tension that he new his news would bring on. "I've heard that one before.." Derek mocked feeling like he was reliving his talk with Mark about seeing Meredith naked just a few weeks before then.

"I signed off on a transfer from Boston General for a 3rd year resident. I didn't really pay attention to the name...she had good credentials..so I just signed." Derek twiddled his thumbs already bored with Mark's story. It clearly had nothing to do with his family.

"So what..is it some girl you slept with back in New York, if so..you better tell Addison ASAP." Mark shook his head. "No, not at all..just..let me finish." He motioned trying his best to get through it without seeming like an idiot.

"She started today, I met her early this morning..and it's funny, the first interesting fact she told me was that her father used to be married to none other than the infamous Ellis Grey. "

Derek stared at Mark for what seemed like forever trying his best to come to terms with what it meant. "So you mean to tell me...that you signed off on a transfer that let Meredith's sister..who she's never met before work here...a sister who is the daughter of a man who hasn't spoken a word to her since he came in here and assaulted her in front of the whole hospital...are you insane?!"

Derek wasn't angry, but speaking in almost angry Derek tones. He was almost there, his forehead creased and his fists clinched, but he wasn't yet to yelling mode. "I told you Derek, I didn't know who she was when I signed it, you know those things are just pieces of paper...it didn't say 'Meredith's secret half sister' in big bold letters."

Mark spun around in his chair to face the window, now really feeling like watching Derek freak out at him for no reason. "You don't think the name Grey would have given it away? and she's not a secret, she's just not talked about."

Mark spun back around, letting his feet hit the edge of the desk with a loud thump. "Right Derek, because Grey isn't a common name or anything, how the hell was I supposed to know, you don't get to be mad at me, at least I thought to tell you in advance, so you could warn your wife."

Derek hadn't thought of this..and he relaxed, trying not to freak out, before suddenly leaping out of his chair. "This is horrible. Tell me, what else can go wrong this year?" He almost yelled, not at Mark, but Mark still cringed.

"A lot actually, if you really stop to think..." "Shut up." Derek interrupted, Mark closed his mouth. "What specialty will she be working with?" Derek was eager to know, so he could do damage control as soon as possible.

"General Surgery I believe." Derek huffed, like a child ready to throw a tantrum. "Wonderful." He remarked. "Just wonderful. They could have met already, lord knows if this woman is even going to be nice to her..Meredith could be off hysterical in some closet by now.."

Mark tried not to laugh at Derek's need to jump to conclusions. "Um...not to burst your bubble, but I'm pretty sure you'd have been paged by now, and I'm pretty sure my head would be on a chopping block so you need to take a breath."

And he did. Derek breathed...but not because he wanted to. "Right..well when she freaks out in a blind rage I'm sending her to you to kill..because I've had enough death threats from my wife this year." Derek was annoyed, and getting too caught up in his own concerns. Meredith was strong, she could handle a sister...she would be fine..he just had to warn her first.

Derek nodded a goodbye to Mark and made a mad dash for the door. "Hey, what did you want to talk to me about?" Mark asked trying to get his attention. "Never mind." Derek mumbled before practically running out of the room. "We need to stop with these office encounters.." Mark said, to the empty room..before checking once again.


	51. Chapter 51

There was no way around it, Derek had to find Meredith, the only problem was, she was the hardest person on Earth to find. He had paged her, called her, checked all of her usual hiding spots and even gone so far as to ask her friends...all with no luck. 

He didn't understand! Since the day he met her they had been bumping into each other dozens of times a day, usually under the most awkward circumstances. Grumbling, he stepped onto the elevator only to see a flash of light brown hair fly past the doors just as they were closing.

Almost in a panic, he pushed the doors back open with his hand, apologizing to the annoyed people behind him and dashed off the elevator. Sure enough, there he found his missing wife running, well more like waddling down the hall with a very frightened first year struggling to keep up.

"Meredith!" He called, not caring what odd looks he was bound to be getting from people around him. The hospital gossip already saw him as the awful home wrecking husband, it really couldn't get much worse.

She stopped reluctantly at his urgent tone and focused on the intern in front of her as she grabbed the chart from his hand. "What gave you the right to discharge a patient without having him sign an AMA form? What were you thinking!?" The blond intern stared at her, and opened his mouth to explain just as Derek caught up to her.

"He just left, I told him to sign it and he didn't.." The young man stuttered and Meredith pushed the chart back at him. "You were supposed to be watching him, he was under your care." Meredith spat, and Derek stood watching the scene, almost feeling bad for the young man.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey..I did the best I could." The man looked up surprised to see Derek standing next to him and backed away slightly. "Well your best isn't enough. Go find your resident and tell her that if the patient dies overnight, you're likely to be sued." The intern looked at her with his mouth open, terrified, and refused to look at Derek before he practically ran from the scene.

"Meredith..." Derek started, not really sure what had just happened, and not remembering a time he had ever seen her so mad at someone other than him. She looked at him sternly, almost daring him to correct her behavior. "Don't you think that was a little harsh?" He asked, trying his best sound condescending.

In return she let out a puff of hot air and started walking away from. "No wait," He caught her by the arm and made her stop. "I've been looking for you, I need to talk to you." He pleaded, and that got her attention. He looked around at the crowd that had gathered to watch them in what they hoped would be their latest fight.

He didn't want to tell her there, didn't want the whole hospital to see what her reaction would be to the news of her sister being there. "I'm kind of busy at the moment, that intern screwed up and now I have to find a way to fix it." She was fully ready to shake him off again but the annoying sound of her pager beat her to it.

"Damn, it's the pit." She sighed, frustrated. "What is it Derek, I've got to take this." He could tell she was flustered and dealing with way too much on her plate to take the news then. "It's important, but I guess you need to go...so let's just meet for lunch later." She nodded, and began to walk away and then stopped herself and turned back to face him.

"You are done at 5 right?" She asked, in a lighter tone, and he smiled in a nod, glad to see she seemed to be calming down. "Good. You need to find a Hannah Montana costume." He shook his head confused. "Derek, Halloween...tomorrow..Ava's school parade. She needs a costume." She was getting annoyed again, thinking he had forgotten.

"I know what tomorrow is, but I thought she was being a princess, we only spent hours looking for the perfect Cinderella costume.." Meredith rolled her eyes as her pager went off again.

"That was last month Derek, now she wants to be Hannah Montana and since I'm not done till later...you have to do it." "Meredith, she already has a costume, don't you think it's a little ridiculous to buy another one?"

Derek was usually the one spoil Ava...not Meredith and he didn't really understand why she was giving in to her. "Derek, do I need to remind you of my crappy Halloween memories? If my little girl wants to be Hannah Montana, she will be Hannah Montana because I wont have her grow up screwed up like me." She snapped through clinched teeth, keeping her voice low and out of listening ears.

He nodded in understanding and touched her arm sympathetically. " Not getting her a new costume wont ruin her life Meredith. We're taking her trick or treating that's all she needs to be happy." He watched her, watched as her eyes glistened with emotion before she looked away and in an instant they had changed completely.

Her pager went off again, and this time she was annoyed and knew she had to leave. "Derek, you need to have that costume, or you can be the one explaining to Ava why you're no longer sleeping in our bedroom." She was serious, and rushed away from him, waddling her way back down the hall where she had come.

"I love you!" He called out and he barely heard the "you too" that she shouted without turning around. "Don't forget lunch." He reminded, but she was too far gone, and sighed wondering how the hell he was going to get that costume...and suddenly nervous, that she would run into her sister before he could tell her.


	52. Chapter 52

"Hey Kristy, can you page Dr. Grey for me?" Derek asked his favorite nurse as he leaned against the nurses station. "Sure Dr. Shepherd." She responded, with a smile and a bat of her eye lashes. Her cheeks turned red when he smiled back and she looked away to make the phone call.

She was one of his favorite nurses because she went above and beyond the call of duty. He was well aware of her flirting, he flirted back..but more out of niceness, it was in his nature, but he deemed it innocent. It meant nothing, Meredith teased him about it a lot. She seemed to except that he was just far to nice to women.

He impatiently drummed his fingers against the counter waiting impatiently for Meredith to arrive. He had to push back their lunch date because of his upcoming surgery, and not being able to tell her about the other Grey running around was driving him crazy. He would invite her to surgery...woo her with his good looks and charm and then tell her..before it was too late.

He turned, hearing footsteps approaching and the grin was wiped off his face as he came face to face with a petite, short haired brunette instead of his wife. He looked at her for a second, taking in the girl's nervous fidgeting. Her big brown eyes looked terrified and he barely heard her as she spoke.

"Hi, um..I was paged..?" She mumbled, not meeting his eyes. Looking back at Kristy he shot her a curious look. "Could you page my wife again please." He almost whispered, and pretended not to notice how the smile left the nurse's face at the mention of his wife.

"Oh..um..I'm doctor Grey...Lexie Grey..I don't think we've met." She finally her eyes up to meet his and instantly he was taking back by how much they resembled Meredith's. His eyes widened in recognition and he stuck out his hand. She shook it and smiled, a smile that was almost identical to Meredith's. A little shyer than Meredith's...but it irked him none the less.

"Oh...Derek Shepherd head of Neuro.." He coughed, realizing she was waiting for a reply. If Lexie recognized the name she didn't let on to it and he silently wondered if Meredith's father or step mother had discussed Meredith with their children at all. Surely, they would have told her how they had dinner and met Meredith's boyfriend..but then again it was a long time ago. Does she know she even has a sister? Derek wasn't sure, and he didn't want to mention it just yet..not wanting to destroy the young girls day.

She nodded, accepting his introduction and took the time to glance at his handsome features. She started with his well toned arms, that had just a hint of his bicep peaking out of his scrub shirt. Her eyes wandered up to his handsome face and he cleared his throat causing her to blush a shade of pink.

They fell into an awkward silence, and he watched her nervously fumbled with her notebook. She reminded him so much of Meredith already. Her nervous mannerisms were almost identical to his wife's..and it seemed as if they both inherited the avoidance gene, because Lexie was once again refusing to meet his gaze.

"I'm sorry, I was actually..." "Looking for someone else.." Lexie interrupted, tucking a strand of short hair behind her ear. He hadn't noticed the sadness in her round eyes before and his features softened dramatically.

"I've been getting that a lot today...I show up and it's not me they're after..they want..well never mind the fact is they don't want me and that's ok..but it does get rather sad after awhile.." Derek caught on to the fact that she may know about Meredith after all, or at least know someone had her last name, but kept it to himself, not wanting to freak her out. Meeting a sister would be enough for one day, let alone meeting a brother in law.

He watched her ramble, in awe. If her eyes were lighter along with her hair..she could be Meredith The thought wouldn't leave his head. The only member of Meredith's family he had met was Ellis...he didn't even count Thatcher. It was fascinating for him to see her sister.

"Dr. Shepherd, are you ok?" He snapped out of his reverie, physically shaking his head. Though Meredith hadn't even met her, he felt bad for the young girl and suddenly had an overwhelming need to protect her as Meredith's kid sister.

"Yes..well I had meant to page um..Meredith..the other Dr. Grey..but she's probably busy anyway, and she's seen a million craniotomies..so would you like to join me for one?" She stared blankly at him, not believing he was asking her and then broke into a huge grin.

He couldn't believe what was happening, but hoped that him meeting her sister first would be able to give him some good things to say about the girl when he had to tell Meredith she was there.

gagaga

Baby names flew through Meredith's head at an alarming speed as she flipped each page, frowning as she went. Izzie had given her "The pocket guide to naming your baby.." and until then, she had yet to open it.

She wasn't even sure what gave her the motivation to start sifting through it now. It seemed like a project left for a rainy Sunday morning with her husband, not one to undertake while in the middle of the work day. But she couldn't help it, the book felt heavy against her side all day and she took it out at the first break she had, curious as to what it's pages had to offer.

The gallery, which she sat in the back of was almost empty, except for a few meddling interns. No one was overly interested in Derek's craniotomy..it wasn't some once in a lifetime procedure. She wouldn't have been there herself, but the thought about looking at baby names without Derek in the near vicinity seemed daunting.

She barely looked down into the OR as she flipped page after page. She knew what he was doing, she thought it was silly, that she needed to be near him, but then again...picking a name was kind of a big deal for her..something she had been putting off since day one of her pregnancy.

She made an ugly face at names she deemed not even worthy of a second glance. Those included, Daphne, Celeste and Noel. She almost laughed out loud at how ironic Noel Shepherd would sound. 'She'd be teased about Christmas for life..' There weren't many names she liked, and she found it wasn't easy to make anything sound as pretty as Caroline.

She smiled, thinking of how happy Derek had sounded when he thought of the name. Elizabeth..Autumn...Kaylee. "Kaylee and Caroline Shepherd.." She whispered to herself, and quickly scrunched up her nose at how cutsy it sounded. Izzie would eat that one up. "Autumn and Caroline Shepherd?" She shook her head again, not liking the way it sounded on her lips. "Elizabeth and Caroline Shepherd.." "No." She said to herself a little louder, not liking how formal the names were.

She shut the book in disgust, and took out a pen, eager to write down the very short list of names she actually had liked. She was sure Derek wouldn't like either of them, he was really getting into the pregnancy and took naming his daughters as the task of the century.

Looking up from her paper she took a moment to look down into the OR. Derek was deep in thought, obviously well into the surgery zone. She wished for a second she could be in there with him, instead of freaking out over baby names.

"She's so damn lucky." The female intern sighed rather loudly to her friend and Meredith focused her attention on their backs realizing for the first time she wasn't alone. She recognized the female but not well enough to remember her name. The male she was talking to nodded in agreement and their attentions stayed focused below them not even noticing Meredith's presence.

"You know, he had her paged especially for that surgery, and she's not even a neuro resident." "Who the new resident?" Their conversation bored Meredith, but she was interested to know who they were talking about. She looked down into the gallery and noticed for the first time that there indeed was someone assisting Derek in his surgery.

She couldn't help the tinge of jealousy that immediately shot to her heart, but she managed to shrug it off knowing he worked with women all day long. "Yeah, she just started today and by the looks of it she's already got the hots for Dr. Shepherd."

Meredith perked up at this statement, and sat a little straighter in her chair trying to get a better view of the women. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary for someone to have a crush on her husband, it certainly wouldn't be the first time, but she couldn't help but feel like something just wasn't right with the situation.

"What's her name?" The male asked, still failing to realize there was anyone else in the room. "Um..Grey I think. Yes, it is. I remember because I heard the nurses talking about her being related to the other Dr. Grey." "No way, so she's hitting on her brother in law? Sick."

Meredith couldn't hear anything else other than the blood that was pounding into her ear drums. 'They couldn't of said what I think they did...I must be loosing my mind.' She thought and struggled to stand up in order to see better into the gallery.

Could it really be her sister down there? She didn't know what to think, or feel. Her first thought was betrayal. The fact that Derek as down there with her sister...her sister who he had paged for the surgery made her heart stop. 'So he knew she was here and didn't tell me?' She didn't understand, and couldn't really think with all the thoughts floating around.

Looking at the girl who so clearly had her father's eyes nearly made her heart stop and she quickly left the room feeling suffocated. Her father..who abandoned her when she was 5 and then disowned her almost 5 years ago had a real daughter...two actually...she knew that..she always did..but seeing her, a doctor, successful, it hurt to even think about it. His other daughter's were probably given everything in the world. They had it all..while she spent her childhood mourning the loss of her father, they had him. They had everything she didn't...and once again, that was the case. Her sister was there taking it all away from her, and she couldn't it.

The surgery was almost done, she could tell by the nurses who shuffled out of the scrub room, but she didn't stop, or slow down. She couldn't come face to face with the reminder of the life she never had. She couldn't watch Derek friend her as the new and improved "Meredith Grey." So ...she ran.


	53. Chapter 53

The rainy October weather let no light into the office in the late afternoon and Derek had to adjust his eyes once he stepped in. His office was small, more of a large closet than an office. There was room for his desk, and a small plush love seat and nothing else. It was Ok with him though, he didn't need much.

He noticed someone sitting in the corner on the couch, without turning on the light he could tell exactly who it was. Her body created a dark shadow where light should have been. He used to find her there, in the early years of their marriage. It was the one place she could hide where no one but him would find her. It was safe, and comforting, and she usually used it to catch a good nap. But he noticed, she was anything but sleeping.

Her body was rigid, unrelaxed and sitting completely upright. He could only see the side of her face, so he knew her eyes weren't on him. "Meredith?" he asked, knowing who it was. His words seemed to evaporate into the walls of the small room.

She made no movement, or recognition what so ever that she had heard him. He stared at her for a second, listening for any sign that she had fallen asleep. Her breaths weren't even, but rapid...bordering on erratic.

Reaching for the light switch he flipped it on, suddenly overwhelming the small space with light. He moved closer to her, and stopped once he was able to clearly make out her features.

"Meredith!" He tried again, his voice laced with uncertainty. She was staring off into space, lost in her own thoughts and it took him moving almost directly into her line of vision to get her to focus her eyes on him.

He sucked in a breath, at the watery pools that made contact with his. He could tell by her puffy eyes she had been crying. They were filled with so many emotions he didn't even know where to begin trying to figure out which one was the immediate concern.

Her body shivered, as if realizing she was back in the present and broke the eye contact with him. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as a worried thought crept over him.

He summoned her back to him, calling her name softly, and then urgently, begging her to look up at him. After a few seconds she did, and what he saw in her eyes that time was anger.

It dawned on him suddenly that she must have met Lexie, or found about her from someone other than himself. She had been fine when he saw her before...a little agitated, but nothing that would warrant such emotion.

He sat down next to her, intent on getting her to speak to him. "You found out about your sister didn't you?" He tried placing his hand in hers, to offer some sort of comfort but she tensed even more and he pulled away afraid to upset her.

"She's not my sister." It was the first time she had spoken since he walked in. It wasn't the coldness of her voice that bothered him, it was how broken she sounded. This wasn't the year for sisterly bonding, he wanted to kill Mark for being stupid enough to let her transfer into Seattle Grace. He dug his nails into his pant leg, but tried to stop the bad mood he could feel coming on in order to help his wife.

"She's not my sister, she's just my father's real daughter..the one who you paged for your craniotomy." Derek's face paled and he let her words sink in, creating an awkward silence.

His palms began to sweat, and he rubbed them against his scrub pants. She was still not looking at him, and he turned towards her practically falling out of the seat to get a look at her face.

"Meredith...please look at me." He asked, not wanted to talk to the side of her any longer. She didn't move, and he wasn't sure if she hadn't heard him, or if she was ignoring him.

He began to speak anyway, suddenly feeling like it was going to turn into a lot more than her sister being at the hospital. He hadn't meant for her to find out before he could tell her...he hadn't even meant to page Lexie at all...his seemingly nice act for the day was kicking him in the ass.

"Ok...well if you aren't going to talk than I'm going to..if that's OK." He didn't expect her to respond. Instead he began to speak, deciding to start from earlier in the day and hoping she wouldn't stay mad at him. He wouldn't care if she was mad, she had a right to be, he should have told her as soon as he found out. But her being mad meant she'd bottle up the emotions that so clearly were trying to make their way to the surface, and that he knew would end in disaster.

He sighed, resting his hand on his unshaven chin. "Mark told me this morning she was transferring here. He didn't know she was your...Lexie when he signed off on it. He just found out this morning when she introduced herself."

He could tell Meredith was listening, her breath had evened and she was sitting incredibly still, like she was on edge over what he was about to tell her. "I tried looking for you all morning, and then when I found you...you were rushing off and I didn't want to tell you in the middle of the hallway..in front of that intern, I knew it would upset you so I waited."

He expected her to put her two sense in and question his wear abouts for the rest of the day that he had failed to tell her..but she didn't. He lowered his voice, speaking much more softly, and moved as close to her as he could.

"I didn't page her for my surgery Meredith. The nurse paged her by accident..and once she was there I felt too bad to send her away..she seemed like she had gotten that a lot today..I didn't want to be an ass.."

Meredith suddenly turned and gave him a cold stare. "Why do you even care what she feels? You don't even know her and suddenly she's your best friend?" He looked up into her angry face and couldn't help but feel relief at the fact that she was actually talking to him.

Was she jealous of the fact that he scrubbed in with her sister? He didn't understand...and he tried not to let on to the fact that his mind was racing in circles trying to figure out why that upset her so much. He knew having Lexie there wasn't going to be easy, but he never dreamed it would end up affecting them as a couple.

"Meredith.." He started again, but this time pulled his hand into hers, grabbing it so she couldn't pull away. With his other hand he swiped a small hair behind her ears lovingly.

"I am not friends with her, I barely even know her..but in the back of my mind I knew she was your sister..and I felt sort of obligated to protect her. That's all, you have nothing to be jealous over."

She looked away, and tried to scoot further from him, but there was no room left on the small seat. She tried to bite back the tears, not wanting to cry, not wanting to be such an emotional wreck. Her shoulders shook anyway, with the force of her fighting it and finally she couldn't ignore the trickle of wetness that ran down her cheeks.

It was her quivering body he noticed first, and by the time he realized what was happening she was full out sobbing and all he could do was watch before his mind caught up and he moved to hold her.

She hadn't cried in a long time. He joked about her crying...and knew that if he said the wrong thing and caught her in one of her "baby moods" that she probably would cry..but this was a first.

"You're Ok Meredith." He whispered into her ear and in response she just shook her head and continued to cry. He rubbed small circles around her back the best he could in the awkward position on the seat they were in. He wasn't sure what else to do. He had no idea what she thinking, but he kicked himself for even allowing Lexie anywhere near him.

"She..." Meredith tried to make out words but they were too muffled by his shirt, so he pulled away. "Shhh...calm down so you can talk." He realized that he had a lot of patience. A break down like this would probably annoy the shit out of most people, but he was used to it, she kept everything wound so tight that when she actually allowed the flood gates to open it was usually monumental.

Meredith took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself down. The tears continued to fall freely, but she was able to sit still and look at him. With a smile, and a tilt of his head he wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks, wanting to just kiss each one away.

"She had everything...my dad..the perfect childhood..it's not fair she should have this too..she can't just come and take away my life..." Her voice broke and he could tell she was getting upset again.

Derek face softened in silent understanding. It finally clicked, it wasn't jealousy...at all and he couldn't help but sigh and pull her back into his arms to fight the ache that was rising up his chest.

"She may have had everything you didn't as a child, but you have it all now Meredith. You have the family..and I know we're not perfect...but she can't ever take that away." He kissed her forehead, trying his best to comfort her.

For the first time all day Meredith felt safe and loved, being in his arms did that to her. She grasped onto his arm, squeezing his bicep, not wanting to let him go..thinking if she could just hold him a little longer all the pain would go away.

"I love you." He whispered and she sniffled, finally able to get her emotions in check. She wasn't sure how she got so lucky, or how she ever once thought of letting Derek Shepherd go.

They sat in a comfortable silence for awhile, content just to listen to each other breathe.


	54. Chapter 54

The line in the cafeteria was too long for Meredith's liking the next morning and she groaned, feeling her blood sugar drop to an unhealthy level. Derek had an early surgery this morning, breaking his "I'll drop Ava off at daycare from now on rule." Meredith didn't mind, she enjoyed the time with Ava, but getting the overly hyper girl out the door with 24 cupcakes for her class party, a full halloween costume, change of clothes, and all her other items that would get her through the day was a nightmare.

The morning left no time for breakfast, and her stomache was now revulting against her. The girls growing inside of her were impatient...kicking her at an alarming rate...unhappy with the lack of food.

The sugary doughnut she spotted at the counter was doing the trick, and all she could think about was how good it would feel in her rumbling stomache. Now..if she could only get to the front of the line.

She glared at the person in front of her, not pleased with the lack of movement. Someone tapped her on the back lightly, and she turned in surprise wondering who would be doing such a thing. Her friends usually just screamed her name, and Derek..well he had alternative ways of getting her attention..which usually involved that whispered murmer he had grown so good at.

She came face to face with the same brunette she had seen assisting Derek in his surgery. Their eyes locked in a moment of pure recognition and awkardness as the importance of the situation became apparent.

Meredith's eyes widened, as she looked into the girls brown eyes that seemed so familiar. They were her father's eyes...her eyes...it was uncanny. "Um..Hi, are you Meredith Grey?" Lexie stuttered, more nervous and afraid than she looked the day before.

Meredith nodded, at the girl's stuttering introduction and tried to smile, but her grin fell short. "I'm Lexie Grey..your um...sister.." Hearing Lexie's voice for the first time was weird, it wasn't as childlike as Meredith's, but much more perky.

What freaked Meredith out the most was how much the girl reminded her of herself. 'Is this even possible...I don't even know her..' she thought...staring into her round eyes.

Lexie had the courage to speak first and when she did..she seemed nervous and fumbled with her srub top. She looked down, noticing Meredith's stomache for the first time and looked up to her in confusion.

"Um...wow..you're pregnant? Well yeah..of course you are...it's just..I had no idea..not that I would know..but...wow..are you married?" The question came out sounding bad, and she hadn't meant it that way.

Meredith stepped back a little, at the girl's rambling. It was usually her who rambled..and she didn't know what to do. 'So..this is Thatcher's other daughter..the one he replaced me with..' the thought wouldn't leave Meredith's mind and she looked Lexie up and down taking in all the features she could compare with hers.

The line moved in front of her and Lexie moved closer being pushed forward by the people behind her. Instead of replying to Lexie, Meredith looked frantically around the room looking for anyone to help her escape the situation.

Her eyes moved back to Lexie and she stood in silence until she felt forced to say something. "I'm almost 6 months pregnant..and yes..I'm married.."She replied coldly, and held up her left hand in proof.

Lexie blushed in embarassment and looked down at her shoes once again. "I'm sorry..it's just your name is Grey...so..I assumed.." Lexie started, and stopped once she looked back up at Meredith's placid face.

The line was getting closer and closer to the front and Meredith was growing more anxious by the second. She needed an escape. She couldn't handle talking to the girl anymore. It was too much. Being face to face with the apple of her father's eye was weaing her down.

She hadn't given her father much thought in year. With Derek, she had managed to get over her trust and intamacy issues...she got over it, in order to form a happy life with her husband..but now, with Lexie watching her..she realized it was all coming back.

Those maddening thoughts were running through her head like an out of control train bound for destruction and all she could do was watch in horror. Finally, she reached the front of the line and turned abruptly away from Lexie.

Lexie watched with anticpated nervousness not knowing what her new found sister was thinking. After paying, Meredith turned back around and stared at her once again. Opening her mouth to speak was hard for her, and it took all her strength to keep her voice even.

"Thatcher left me when I was 5 and got a brand new family..he never called..he never visited. I never had birthdays or Christmas's or a happy family..he never thought of me because he replaced me with you...so..forgive me if I'm not jumping for joy over meeting you. I don't have a sister Lexie..your father made sure of that."

Meredith walked away, leaving Lexie staring after he blankly. She wasn't sure what to do, but she knew meeting her sister definetly didn't go as she thought it would.


	55. Chapter 55

The hallway outside the OR was bustling more than usual that afternoon. Halloween night hadn't even fallen, and already each OR was booked solid for hours.

Ava sat on an empty gurney, her little legs dangling over the edge. She was still dressed as Hannah Montana, a costume Derek had gone to 4 different stores the night before to find. The 4 year old was growing impatient, her father's quick ten minute trip to check on patients had turned into half an hour..and the endless hum drum of the hospital was quickely boring the young girl.

Ava kicked her feet against the gurney and looked up and down the hall expectantly for her father. She wanted to get up and find her mother, but remembered her father's instructions to stay put. Still, the lounge down the hall seemed appealing, there were always fresh doughnuts and cumfy couches to jump on.

She didn't notice the woman standing at the nurses station watching her, she also didn't notice when the woman walked over and stood next to her. Ava looked up, tilting her head at the unfamiliar visitor.

Lexie looked down at the girl and smiled, hoping she wouldn't scare her. "Hi sweetheart, are you ok?" Ava looked at her, and then back down at her lap. Ignoring the young doctor, she dumped the paper bag full of candy out onto the gurney and sifted through until she found a red lollypop.

Lexie watched her confused, and looked up and down the hallway for anyone that could have been looking for the girl. After seeing no one, she looked at Ava again. "Is it ok if I sit down next to you? My feet are killing me." Lexie asked, and Ava looked up at her once again.

"Daddy said I'm not allowed to talk to any strangers at the hospital." Lexie pondered that and then shifted the candy so she could sit down. "Well, I'm a doctor, my names Lexie, so now I'm not a stranger."

Ava looked at her, thinking about the rules her dad had taught her before he had left to check on his patient. Lexie seemed nice enough, and after deeming her ok she held the lollypop out to Lexie.

"Can you open this for me?" The girl asked. Lexie looked around the halls again for a parent before taking the candy. "Well...um..are you allowed to have this?" "Well..mommy said no..but daddy said I could if I was really good...and he's still not back...so I think it's ok."

Lexie pondered the girl's question, still not understanding why she was there all alone. Once she opened it, she handed the lollypop back to her and watched as Ava stuck it in her mouth.

"Where's your mommy and daddy?" Ava licked the treat and tried to talk with it in her mouth before she hesitantly took it out. "Mommy's in surgery..I was real sad because she missed my parade.." "You have a halloween parade?" Lexie already knew the answer, but wanted to keep the girl talking wondering if her mother was a patient.

"Yes I did! and it was so fun! Daddy came..and he never came before!" Ava's voice grew energetic and unshy. Lexie was facinated by the child, never before meeting such a social young girl. "Where is your daddy now?"

"He had to go see a patient because his brain was broke. He told me not to move." Ava went back to her lollypop and sucked on it until sticky saliva dripped down her face.

Lexie laughed and pulled a tissue out of her pocket to wipe the girls face. "I like your shoes." She heard Ava say in her child like voice. Lexie smiled again, watching as Ava's eyes lit up at the site of her purple crocs.

"Thanks, they're really comfy." Lexie knew there were a million things she should be doing instead of sitting there, but the girl had such a personality that she couldn't bring herself to leave her alone.

"What's your real name?" Ava asked, looking at her with her big blue eyes. Lexie was confused. "My real name?" "Yeah...not your doctor name. Mommy says everyone has real name. Her real name is Meredith. What's yours?"

"Oh...Lexie, my real name is Lexie." Ava's eyes lit up for the second time and she pulled the lollypop out for good. "That's my friends name!"

"Wow, that's really cool." "Yeah, it's a real pretty name." Ava looked up at her with admiration and Lexie couldn't help but smile. "My real name is actually Alexandra, but everyone calls me Lexie. What's your name?"

"Ava Grace..but I wish my name was Hannah." "Ava, you have a beautiful name, why would you want to change it?"

"I want to be like Hannah Montan!" Lexie leaned back against the wall, causing her feet to dangle over the edge as well. "My niece, Laura, she's older than you, but she really likes Hannah Montana too!"

"She does!?" Ava was smiling and excited once again and scooted closer to her new friend. "That's so neat. Can we be friends Lexie?" Lexie didn't know what to say, but she knew there was something about the girl she couldn't say no to.

"Sure we can." Ava dug through her candy and handed a kit-kat to Lexie. "Here this is for you!" Lexie smiled and accepted the gift, touched by the girl's gesture. She was kind of sad that the 4 year old was the only one in the hospital who would even talk to her.

Ava looked up and screamed, "Daddy, daddy your back!" Lexie watched as Ava launched herself into her father's arms. "Thank you for being such a good girl." "Daddy, you said you wouldn't take long." Ava pouted and Derek apologized, and finally noticed Lexie.

"Oh um...Dr. Shepherd, I didn't realize you had a daughter.." Lexie fumbled, feeling suddenly awkward. The weirdness did not go unoticed by Derek. "Oh daddy, this is my new friend, Lexie! She's real nice!" Derek smiled, he suddenly didn't know what to say to her.

Ava chattered on about Lexie while he pondered whether or not he should introduce Lexie to her niece. Meredith wouldn't be happy about it, but he didn't feel right openly lying to the doctor. It would come out sooner or later that he was married to Meredith, it was only a matter of time before she put two and two together.

"Dr. Grey, there is something you should know...Meredith..your sister...is my wife." He put Ava down on the gurney and let her collect her candy. "This is our daughter, your niece." Lexie looked at him, shock all over her face. Something had told her all along that there was something familiar about the girl, even though she was sure she had never met her before.

It all made sense then, and her heart began to race. Meredith's words from that morning ran through her mind, and she instantly felt guilty about starting such a friendly relationship with her daughter. Meredith didn't want anything to do with her, and she was sure she wouldn't want her near her husband and daughter.

Derek watched Lexie's features change and she abruptly stood up. "Oh..Dr. Shepherd, you have a beautiful daughter..and I'm so sorry I...Meredith..She..she'll be mad..I should go." She stuttered and was gone before Derek could utter a word to stop her.

Ava waved goodbye to her new friend, sad that she was leaving. "Daddy, can Lexie come over and play? She was real nice." Derek watched his daughter and then watched Lexie's retreating form. He didn't respond to the girl, not knowing what to do...and not sure why he was suddenly sad.


	56. Chapter 56

"Look who finally showed up!" Cristina heckled upon Meredith's arrival. She had been waiting, along with Derek and two very anxious kids for the past 30 minutes and she was starting to get annoyed.

Running feet, a sound that could rival a heard of elephants could be heard echoing down the tile hallway and within seconds Meredith was surrounded by both Ava and Tyler. They were out of control bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Aunt Meredith's here now we can go!" Tyler hollered at her, taking the time to fix his black pirate hat so it would no longer cover his eyes. Placing her bag down at her side, Meredith stepped back to get a better look at the hyper children.

They looked adorable in their costumes and she played dumb when asking them what they were supposd to be. Of course she knew, with the exception of a last minute Hannah Montana costume, all she had heard all month was who was dressing up as what on Halloween.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!" Tyler proudly displayed, stomping his foot to show off his best pirate moves. "Isn't he a little young for Pirates of the Caribbean?" Derek scoffed, stepping into the room and shooting Meredith a sly smile. He enjoyed arguing with Cristina, it was fun to tease someone who could give it right back with no hesitation.

Cristina shot him a glare and pulled Tyler to her so she could fasten on his plastic sword. "Listen McDreamy, if I'm forced to participate in this Holiday I'm making sure he doesn't go as something wussy like Batman or Bob the Builder." "Bob the Builder is for babies Mom!" Tyler corrected, and pulled away from her grasp.

"Hey, Batman is not wussy!" Derek replied, in mock hurt and Meredith narrowed her eyes letting him know she was not in the mood to listen to him antagonize Cristina all night.

He smiled, shooting him an apology with his soft gaze, and then continued to stare at Cristina. "Cristina, you're so sentimental, I love it." He joked, and then let out a groan when Meredith poked him in the side.

"Where's Burk anyway, isn't he usually the poster dad for these kind of thing?" Cristina's face changed immediately from playful to cold and he could tell by the sudden tension in the room he had said that wrong thing.

He watched, as a silent observer as Meredith and Cristina shared some form of silent girl code with their stare, and he felt suddenly left out of the loop. He couldn't recognize what message Meredith's half frown, half look of concern was sending and it bothered him...thinking he was a master at reading his wife.

"This is your first Halloween you've made it to, what would you know?" Cristina suddenly snapped and took hold of Tyler's hand to usher him out the door. The dig hit below the belt, and Derek looked down at the ground knowing it was the truth.

Meredith had brought Ava to Cristina's since she was a baby for Halloween. Living in the woods wasn't really conducive to the age old tradition Meredith had always longed to be a part of.

Derek had been stuck working the first two years, and the year before he had forgotten about the holiday altogether. It wasn't as important to him as it was to her, she got that, not many adults could say they never had the chance to trick or treat. It was the reason she made it such a big deal for her daughter, she had taken her out in the pouring rain the year before just to give her the chance at her first Halloween she'd actually remember. But, it still hurt non the less when Derek had made paper work in his office more important than his daughter's first Halloween.

Thinking back to that first year, she realized Derek had started pulling away from his family then a there, what she had chalked up to hazards of the job, was really step one in his road to indifference.

He sighed, and looked up to meet Meredith's eyes. He had his depressed look on his face, the one that he only used when he felt really awful about something. It took the light right of his eyes and seemed to age him well beyond his years.

He was making an effort then, she knew that. His insistance upon going to the ends of earth to find Ava the perfect costume would have been enough for her. She hadn't expected him to be able to go to her Halloween parade. In past years he had shrugged it off as being too short to get out of a whole surgery for, but this year he had jumped at the chance to go, and it made Meredith's heart race, wishing she could have been there as well.

He had taken a video of it and everything, which he had proudly placed in her locker during his visit to the hospital. She cried, in shock, but she'd never tell him that. He was there, being all perfect and loving every minute of it and she felt the tears invading her ducts again, but turned her head away in order to shake them off. She was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering just how far Derek was going to go before he realized he was bored and wanted to be back at the hospital.

The boredom never came though, and as they shuffled along the leaf strewn sidewalk she couldn't help but look at the way his eyes lit up as he watched Ava run from driveway to driveway.

"Are you ok?" He asked, concerned at her sudden sluggishness. They had stopped at the end of a long driveway and watched as Ava and Tyler greeted the woman dressed as a witch at the door.

"Just tired." She replied, and turned to be sure Cristina was still behind them. Cristina had barely spoken a word since leaving the house and Meredith wanted nothing more than to pull her aside and figure out what was going on.

"You can always go back to the house and wait for us, I don't want you over exerting yourself.." He worried and she shrugged it off, annoyed at the suggestion, but no wanting to pick an argument with him.

"I'm fine Derek, just tired. It wasn't exactly the best of days.." Meeting Lexie along with missing Ava's parade had left her in a horrible mood, one she wasn't even willing to get into at that time.

He watched her nose crinkle, a sure sign she was avoiding what was bothering her the most, but as he watched Ava running back to them with a huge grin on his face, he opted to just let it go.

The leaves crunched underneath their feet as they shuffled to the next few houses. Cristina's neighborhood was full of well manicured, gigantic houses. It was the cliche of suburbia. Row upon row of the exact same house, all with street names like "willow bend..and plum tree drive." It made Meredith cringe each time she went, but she kept reminding herself, that it was good for Ava.

Cristina rushed ahead behind Tyler, who was moving at an alarming pace. Meredith tried not to notice the tension her friend was clearly carrying. Children ran around the couple on all sides dressed as ghosts, goblins, and characters from popular shows she never had time to follow with her daughter. The air seemed to hold it's own crisp excitement. Even the moon was full and bright, as if it had waited all year to be at it's best.

Both Meredith and Derek seemed to stop at the exact same time to gawk at the picturesque moon. Their eyes met, the glimmer from the sky reflected in both of their equally impressive orbs and suddenly they felt connected like never before.

"Hey lovebirds, I hate to break this up.." Cristina called back to them, breaking the spell and just like that the connection was lost. "Can you walk any slower?" She remarked dryly, causing Derek to narrow his eyes in her direction.

"Sorry." Meredith responded, stuck between feeling obligation to figure out what was wrong with her friend, and enjoying the moment with her husband. "It's not like I'm carrying two babies in my uterus or anything.." She countered, annoyed with Cristina's lack of sincerity.

"Well..I'm going to take the kids ahead, all the good candy will be gone by the time we get there at this rate." Meredith nodded, watching as Ava and Tyler bounded ahead and Derek just stared at her, not understanding how the two women managed to be friends.

"Explain to me why she is our friend again?" He mumbled, only letting the slightest bit of annoyance show. "She's my best friend Derek."

"She turns everything into a competition Meredith, and what the hell is going on with Preston?" He threw his hands up to prove his point and they started walking again, this time at an even slower pace.

"I don't know. She wont talk about it. And she's Cristina...we understand each other." He stopped walking, causing her to stop and turn to face him in confusion.

"I understand you Meredith. I could be your best friend you know." Meredith laughed, not meaning to, but found how serious he was funny. Though they were facing each other, there was no connection like there had been moments before.

"You are my friend Derek. But, there will always be things we don't understand about each other." She spoke quietly, shying away from him by looking down at the ground. He reached out, and touched her cheek gently, the feel of his cool hands sending shivers down her spine.

With a tilt of his head he asked, "Like what? What is there that you don't understand about me?" He asked gently, he could feel her keeping something back, and his stomach dropped as her eyes came up to meet his.

She didn't want to have this discussion, didn't want tell him that she couldn't understand his absence...that she couldn't figure out why he would pull away from the two people he loved the most.

The intensity in his eyes was telling her he wasn't going to let it go. His gentle features gave her the strength to continue..knowing the topic was something they had never really gotten to the bottom of. She asked the question, with regret, realizing she wasn't sure what the answer would do to her. Realizing..she may not want to know the answer at all.

"I don't understand what would make you choose the hospital over your family. I don't understand what would make you miss this..." She emphasized the scenery around her with her hands. "every year...for three years straight." His eyes turned cloudy, and she could tell that it wasn't what he was expecting her to say.

"You chased me...ended a marriage for me..fought for me..finally had me..and then gave it all up just like that. I sat here every year with Ava. Every year in this same exact spot watching her have the time of her life and you stayed at work...you were willing to just let both of us slip away..and it took me leaving you to see that. That's what I don't understand. That's why Cristina is my best friend, because she was year all those times you weren't."

Meredith wasn't yelling, she wasn't angry, she was done being angry about it along time ago. The anger had been replaced by constant pain. Pain she had tried to subdue under the umbrella of them working things out. She stood there, calm and collected...watching his eyes fill with moisture. She could tell by his crest fallen expression that his heart had just shattered him in two.

She regretted saying it, regretted bringing up the topic at all. They were standing on a picture perfect street, with a million happy families racing by completely oblivious to the emotional turmoil they were going through.

He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He knew it, knew everything she was saying was the truth, but somehow it hurt a million times worse hearing her broken voice saying it.

"I don't..." He choked, stuttered, sniffled...as his mind spun out of control. "I don't understand it myself...I just..I took you for granted." He stepped closer to her, begging her not to run away, not to flee the discussion that so needed to be aired out. They had opened Pandora's box...the box of all boxes and it couldn't be closed now.

She was staring at him, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks any second. She was dreading his explanation. "I just thought you'd always be there..and that things would be ok...I let it happen with Addison..I just...became indifferent towards her."

He watched Meredith's face fall in anguish and she couldn't help the tears that began to cascade down her cheeks. He shook his head, taking her hand in his and forcing her to make eye contact with him.

"That didn't happen with you. You need to understand that. You need to know." He couldn't stand to see her cry...crying because of him. "I never stopped loving you, I never became indifferent...I always worried, always wondered what you were doing."

Meredith looked above him, to the side of him, anywhere but at his eyes. She didn't want to hear it. The horrible thoughts she had managed to push out of her head for the past few years were now being voiced by her husband.

"Please Meredith. Please listen...it took you leaving to wake me up, it was like I had fallen asleep. I got stuck in this pattern...this pattern of repeating the past and I didn't realize it. You had the courage to stand up to me and face it head on...I love you..and if I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you I will, because those months we spent separated were the worst months of my life."

Tears trickled down his face and he pulled her to him, embracing her the best he could. He just had to hold her, had to have that connection back once again. She was tense, not believing his words, and then finally succumbed to his strong arms wrapped around her.

She loved him, a love so deep that no matter how bad he harmed her she wouldn't stop loving him. It scared her, but as they stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk..she couldn't think of anywhere else she wanted to be 


	57. Chapter 57

Meredith followed slowly behind Derek flipping on one light at a time as they made there way into their house and up the steps. He carried Ava easily in his arms, her face buried in his shoulder.

Laying her weightless body in bed was easy for Derek, the girl barely moved at all as she succumbed to the exhaustion of the day. He watched her, smiling at her Meredith like tendency to curl up into a ball the second she hit the sheets.

"Should we change her?" He asked his wife, and she shook her head no, shifting things around the dresser to reach her Little Mermaid nightlight. "No, let her be Hannah awhile longer." Came her whispered reply, and Derek nodded, and easily slipped of the girl's shoes.

The day had not only overwhelmed Ava, but had taken it's toll on him as well. He had never seen his daughter as excited and energetic as she had been that entire day and night. Not even on Christmas, did he see the sparkly light of excitement in her eyes.

It began at her Halloween parade. She had waved at him, with her trademark grin, so proud her daddy could see her all dressed up. She had taken him from room to room of the small school showing off all her toys, art work, and friends. He had never been so proud to call himself a father.

Even once she had ran ahead with Cristina and Tyler, she still managed to wait for him, stopping after every single driveway to show off the new piece of candy she had gotten. It annoyed the hell out of Cristina, but he loved it.

He realized, after talking with Meredith that it was most likely his presence that had brought out the excited side of his daughter. The guilt overwhelmed him, as he realized that his attendance at these milestones had a lasting impact on Ava. His absence had changed her, and it was only now that it seemed like he was getting that carefree child back.

Meredith watched him tuck the sheets around the girl affectionately. She could almost see the wheels in his head turning. They hadn't talked about their conversation earlier, but she could tell the way he kept zoning out that he was still feeling horrible about it.

She felt bad, she didn't want to guilt trip him, she didn't want to make him miserable, but he needed to know the full impact his actions had on his wife and daughter. It was the only way they were going to survive.

She thought for a minute, that maybe they should seek professional help. Neither of them were great at communication, and even though each conversation brought them closer to reconciliation, it seemed like they took an emotional toll on both of them.

Just the thought of trying to get to the bottom of his absance made her stomach churn. He didn't even know..so how could they ever really solve it. She knew however, that counseling while he was trying to make it work with Addison had left a bitter taste in his mouth, and he most likely would never go for the idea. Then again, how far was he really willing to go to fix things?

"Meredith...?" She snapped her head up to look at him and he tilted his head worriedly in response. He had been speaking to her..and she hadn't even realized it, to lost in her own thoughts.

She stepped out of the room and he followed her. "Sorry, I was.." "Lost in thought?" He finished for her, and she nodded, their eyes meeting in silent understanding. "I guess that makes two of us huh?" He questioned lightly, taking hold of her hand to lead her to their bedroom.

She realized right then and there they weren't going to talk any further about their conversation. It seemed silly in her head. 'Who talks about talking?' But she knew the answer already. 'People with communication phobias do.'

He shut the door behind her after stepping into their room and enveloped her into a hug. She let him hold her, taking in his cologne. They were much better at being physical, moments like that were the reasons they weren't so good at the talking. What they lacked in communication they made up for with physical contact. It was a dangerous game, that somehow they had been winning for the past 6 years.

She wasn't going to say anything, she wasn't...she was going to just stay put and enjoy the moment. But, the problem was, that neither of them were just enjoying it. Their minds were both filled to the breaking point..and all at once their minds gave way, opening the gate and letting it all out.

"Ava met your sister today"  
"I think we should try counseling."

They spoke at the same time, pulling away at the same time, and each smiled, until they took in what each other had said. His face paled, while she stood with a confused expression.

"Meredith..what?" He asked, and she tried to step away from him but he pulled closer. He couldn't let her hide from what she had just said. She in turn shook her head, still trying to comprehend his sentence.

"No, you first, she met Lexie? How..I just met Lexie..how did my 4 year old meet her?" She pulled away for good and stepped away from him, noticing the pain in his eyes, undoubtedly caused by her notion, but she was too preoccupied with his statement to care.

She began to pace, in a cute little semi-circle, and he would have smiled, had conversation not just taken a drastic leap into the deep end. He stepped closer, wanting to keep her calm, she'd probably be mad at him, he knew that, but was going to try everything to keep her peaceful and mad.

There was a difference between hostile mad and peaceful mad, one he had witnessed many times, and hostile wasn't one he wanted to see ever again. "Meredith, stop pacing." She ignored him, not even hearing him until he came up to her and stopped her with his hand on her arm.

She looked at him, with fear in her eyes and he stilled her movements completely with a kiss that he tried to extend, but she pulled away rapidly. "Meredith. I'm not going to explain it to you unless you stay calm. Remember twins..blood pressure...not good."

He smiled, at his uncanny knack for always being right..even when he was worrying. She took a deep breath and let him explain. She tried to interrupt several times through out the story...but he held a finger to her lips each time.

"I'm sorry, I introduced her without talking to you..but I couldn't lie..she was going to figure out we were married sooner or later, and I do have to work with her, so I'd rather not be on bad terms."

"But you could have asked me." She responded calmly, wanting to scream and throw things, but his steady hand on her shoulder kept her sort of relaxed. "I know, and I should have. But, it was spur of the moment, and she had already met Ava before I got there..they were very taken with each other. Ava thinks she's her new friend."

Meredith frowned, a little hurt that her daughter was suddenly so attached to someone she couldn't stand. "And Lexie had no idea she was our daughter, she was just looking out for her, she thought she was lost actually." Derek smirked, but stopped, knowing it really wasn't very funny.

"So...Ava doesn't know Lexie's my...sister..her..aunt..whatever?" It was hard for Meredith to even get the words out without cringing. She had lived her life just fine without a family, sure she had wanted it, but her parents had killed that dream...so why should she start now?

Derek shook his head no. Feeling sympathy over the fact that Meredith had such a horrible childhood. He would be the first to admit he didn't understand the full extent until they had built a family of their own.

The days Meredith cried over leaving Ava in daycare when she was a baby, the night's she spent sleeping in the girl's room so she wouldn't "forget her"...the obsession over Halloween and Christmas and all other silly holidays that Meredith hated for herself..but went tolerated for her daughter were constant reminders every day just how dark and twisty Meredith's life really had been.

"She wont know, until we're ready to tell her. It's not important right now. I wanted to tell you earlier, but I didn't want to ruin Halloween, I was expecting to be kicked out of the room..so waiting till Ava was asleep was best!" He joked, and she cracked a smile, not able to resist his humor.

"Are you ok?" He asked, worried she was bottling up hidden emotions that would keep them both up all night. "Yeah..I think I am." "We'll take the sister thing one day at a time. No one is expecting you to start a new family with complete strangers."

She could have cried he was so understanding, she just couldn't handle a family now...not when her own needed the attention.

They got ready for bed in silence, both thinking over the day, but not too lost in their thoughts that they were ignoring each other. She noticed the slight sag in his shoulders as he got into bed and laid down beside her. He noticed the way she twirled each strand of her hair over and over.

"Marriage counseling?" He asked. Into the darkness, knowing she was awake, and unable to get the thoughts to leave his mind. "You really think we need that?" The thought make him a little sick. To him, counseling was the end of the line. His experience with Addison had showed him that once they reached that point, there was pretty much no hope. He scared him, he wanted to live in denial that they were fine.

"I think we need to see someone...to talk..we can't keep doing this..avoiding conversations about the past year until we're ready to burst." It was a shocking admission, one he never would have expected to hear from her. She really had changed, she had grown all this time and he had barely noticed.

He moved closer and spooned behind her, letting his hand rest on her stomach. He hated the idea, but Meredith suggesting..made him realize how important it must be. "Can I think about it?" He asked, hoping she wouldn't read too much into it. She nodded silently, and soon they were both asleep, exhausted from the day, but for once feeling like the hold that kept them apart had grown just a little smaller.


	58. Chapter 58

Sorry for the delay the past couple of months with posting. This website never works right for me..but it is now..so I'm trying to get as much up as I can while it lasts! I've been trying to edit them as I go too. Also, just for anyone who is wondering. I started writing this...oh gosh...back in the beginning of season 3 way before ava/rebecca showed up. I just was afraid to post it. So, sorry if the name bothers you. It's my favorite though ;) Thanks for reading and commenting! Let me know if you are enjoying it and I'll keep posting more like this.

"We really need to stop having these talks. They're getting kind of chickish..." Mark joked to Derek after his friend had barged into his office and demanded to speak to him.

Derek had forgotten all about the promise he had made to Meredith about talking to Mark about Addison. He had forgotten about it up until that morning, when he had almost successfully seduced his wife, and then gotten rejected because he had not spoken to his friend.

He found it unfair, withholding sex to get what she wanted...but then again, he should have been more than used to it by then.

Derek sighed and plopped his paper bag lunch down on the desk. He didn't want to talk to Mark about Addison, he didn't think it was right butting into their issues. Mark had stayed out of his..unless it was an emergency and he wanted to return the favor.

"Why do I get the feeling you're not here to talk about work?" Mark guessed, closing a file he had been working on. Derek chuckled in response, still not very eager to bring it up.

He took bites of his sandwich, ignoring Mark as he watched him confused. Finally, after the silence in the room grew to heavy, he asked him the only thing he could think of.

"What's going on with Addison?" Mark narrowed his eyes and leaned back in his chair causing it to make a loud screeching noise. "Nothing, things are the same as they were before, besides the fact that I sleep in the living room." Mark's tone was sarcastic and a tad bitter, Derek could tell he was trying to hide the emotion that he so clearly needed to let out.

"Why are you asking anyway? Don't you have enough problems of your own? Like..mini-Grey who by the way is pretty cute."

Derek rolled his eyes wondering how the hell his friend ended up married in the first place. He admitted that Addison and Mark fit perfectly...but how his friend got through a day without straying to one of the many women he thought about was beyond him.

"Meredith's worried about Addie..she says she's been crying a lot and really upset all the time...that's not like her. She's...we're worried about you guys." He corrected, annoyed with how girly it actually sounded. Guys weren't supposed to have these discussions...'this is what made people think we were gay' he thought and Mark seemed to be thinking the same thing.

Mark listened to Derek, but made no effort to reply. He knew Addison was upset...they had barely spoken in days..he knew that. But he was angry, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't make it go away.

"I know she's upset. I'm not stupid. I haven't exactly been great either." Derek took in Mark's frown and realized for the first time just how much his friend had been bottling up.

"I'm not trying to poke my head where it doesn't belong, but you should talk to her about how you're feeling..at least try to work it out." Mark laughed incredulously, and leaned his chair back upright.

"No offense..but you're not exactly the go to man for relationship advice. You'd have moved across the country if I didn't lock you up in my place." Derek gave him an offended glare.

"I may not be..but I was married to her for 11 years. I know Addison. All she needs is a little communication."

"Ha." Mark laughed bitterly. The conversation was taking a turn to the darker side. Mark was suddenly not in the mood for Derek's 'save the world' attitude. "You don't know her. Maybe you did at some point, but the minute you left for Seattle you stopped knowing her."

Throwing the remnants of his lunch into the trashcan Derek got up to stretch his legs. "That's not true. I knew her better than anyone."

"No you didn't!" Mark suddenly snapped taking them both by surprise.

Derek was silent, shocked by the sudden outburst. "You had no idea I lived in your house after you left..that my bike was still in your garage until she sold the brownstone." Derek's face turned expressionless, the information still making him angry even years later.

Mark stood up behind his desk to be on eye level with Derek. "Did you know she died her hair blond after you left and then cried because she couldn't get the red back for a month?" His voice was growing more bitter and angry by the second and Derek wanted to say something to calm him down, but all he could do was take it all in. Maybe this is what his friend needed, to just let it all out. Clearly, he was still harboring some from of bitterness towards him...Derek just wasn't sure why.

"Did you know she was pregnant with my baby and when she decided to come after you she aborted it?" Derek froze, his blood running cold. The information hit him like a slap in the face.

He felt like his legs were full of lead and sat down in the chair behind him, afraid he wouldn't be able to stand up any longer. "Right..I figured she never told you that. She never told you that she didn't want a baby with me...she wanted one with you."

Derek was numb, the world was spinning and he wasn't sure how to get off. How could he not have known? How...why would Addison do that? She was so desperate to have a child...she struggled to conceive Peyton..it just didn't make sense.

"I...I don't understand.." Derek babbled, having trouble forming a coherent sentence.

"What don't you understand!?" Mark spat, moving out from his desk. "She didn't want my baby...she said I'd make a horrible father! Why would it be any different now. She's just using me for my sperm."

"She never told me.." Derek mumbled, even though his mind was telling him the answer. If she'd have told him he never would have given her a second chance.

After several minutes Derek managed to get his thoughts together. "I'm sorry. I had no idea..." He apologized, still going insane with the thoughts flying through his head. He looked at Mark, at the worry lines creasing his forehead and the way his chest heaved with emotion. His friend needed something...maybe just someone to talk to..so he tried to get past his own menacing thoughts.

"You are not just a sperm donor. You're good with Peyton. So what if you can't change a diaper, she knows who you are, you love her, that's all a child needs sometimes."

Mark shook his head, not believing his friends words. "I was really into that baby...I bought it a Yankees jersey and everything...she didn't even give me a chance to be a good father...and now all the sudden I'm forced to be. She can't just do that, she can't just change her mind like that."

"Have you told her any of this? I mean..without fighting, just explain to her what it is you're afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid!" He interrupted.

"Yes you are. You're afraid you wont be good enough father she needs to know that's the reason..and not that you just don't love her."

"Why would she think I don't love her. I never said that.." Derek shook his head at how little Mark knew about women. "Mark..it's always about love. You need to tell her."

"All we do is fight when we talk...it's impossible..." Mark sat down behind his desk again with a sigh. "Then take her out to dinner...you will be forced to have a civil conversation."

"I'm chief of surgery Derek..."

"Whatever Mark, so take a night off..find a time when she's not working...I'll take Peyton..well Meredith will because that child hates me...last time she screamed all night...I mean screamed!"

Mark pondered it, not really able to find an excuse not to. He was afraid to talk to Addison, not knowing what shape their marriage was currently in. He nodded, finally accepting Derek's offer after several minutes of thinking it over.

"Alright, I'll try it...but if it backfires I'm blaming you." Derek smiled, despite what he had learned from Mark, he still wanted the couple to be happy. "Peyton doesn't hate you...you're just.."

"Not her dad." Derek finished for him and he saw a glimmer of pride in Mark's eyes that hadn't been there before.


	59. Chapter 59

"Daddy...why's Peyton cry so much?" Ava asked Derek from her seat at the island counter. She eyed him curiously as he paced around from one end of the kitchen to the other juggling Peyton in an awkward rocking motion.

What started off as a nice quiet night off had escalated out of control at warp speed. Mark had decided to take Addison away for the weekend. It seemed like a great idea to Derek..at the time. Derek was surprised at Mark. Not two hours after Derek had talked to him..he had gotten a phone call telling him he was dropping off Peyton that night.

Derek barely had time to check with Meredith before hand. He felt bad, he was in a crappy mood after learning about Addison's abortion, and wanted nothing more than to just go home and talk to Meredith. Yet, he couldn't exactly bail on his best friend.

Peyton had been dropped off hours before sound asleep in her carrier. She barely moved, and then once she did..all hell broke loose. The almost 6th month old did not enjoy waking up in a strange place, and her loud screams were letting that fact be known.

"I don't know...I think..she misses her mommy and daddy.." Derek managed, attempting to keep his voice from showing any of the frustration he was feeling. The last thing he needed was to scare Ava. He couldn't handle two children crying.

Ava picked at her dinner, still eyeing up the screaming child. "Why did they go?" Derek shifted the baby, hoping to eleviate some of the pain in his right arm. Peyton stopped for a brief second to utter a startled gasp, before starting up again louder than ever.

"They wanted some grown up time." He shifted her again, laying her over his shoulder to pat her back. Ava had never cried this much...he was at a loss over what to do.

"What are they doing there?" Derek looked at his daughter, and made a split second decision to put Peyton in the high chair and attempt feeding her again. "Um...they're just relaxing.." He hoped anyway..though he was pretty sure there would be lots of arguing.

"Are they kissing..and doing love things?" She innocently asked and Derek almost dropped the baby food jar not expecting that to come from his daughter's mouth. He had to keep reminding himself he shouldn't be surprised with the stuff she came up with.

"Love things? What are love things?" He was afraid to even ask, he wasn't prepared to even think about "the talk" for years. If he had it his way..it would be never..because she'd stay his little girl forever.

Ava had never asked where babies came from...she didn't seem to question that Meredith had two people magically growing in her stomache...neither of them told her any differently...and he wasn't looking forward to that day at all.

"They kiss, and wrestle, and sleep without pajamas." Peyton's insistant cries went unoticed to Derek as he looked at his daughter trying to wipe the shocked expression off his face. Surely..he must have heard her wrong.

"No...no...they are not sleeping without pajamas..it's cold up on the mountain..too cold..for um..that. Who told you that's about these..'love things..'" He felt stupid even saying the word and he couldn't help up blush. A loud sigh escaped him. He couldn't handle this conversation now. He needed Meredith...Meredith would know how to answer this. She'd avoid it some how...or ramble on about 12 different things and by the end Ava would have forgotten all about it.

"Andrew says his mommy and daddy are in love, and they do love things a lot. They don't have pajamas...maybe they should ask Santa for some..cause I bet they are cold.."

The spoon Derek was holding for Peyton dripped orange carrots all over the tray as it sat in midair. He was Facinated by his daughter's words...he couldn't hold it in anymore and let out a loud chuckle. He couldn't believe what things Ava told him. Seeing the world from her eyes was deffinetly the best part of being a parent, even if it did leave him in an awkward situation.

Ava glared at him just as Peyton let out a loud wail in protest. "It's true daddy! Andrew said!" "Yes...well if Andrew said it must be true!" He remarked, and the sarcasim went way over her head.

"Sometimes mommies and daddies don't sleep without pajamas...but I think Aunt Addison and Uncle Mark are just talking this weekend..and maybe having dinner." He took his time, swirling the spoon in front of Peyton trying to get her interested in it.

He finally got her to open her mouth and she made a disgusted face and cried even louder. She had carrots dripping down her lips and he stood up to get a rag. "Daddy can I watch Hannah now?" He looked at her plate, and almost said yes because he was pre-occupied, but then shook his head no, realizing his mistake.

"No, you barely touched your dinner and you've had too much TV today anyway." He didn't have to look at her to see her bottom lip appear in an adorable pout. "I'm not hungry!" She pouted and he ignored her, trying once again to force feed the baby.

She kept whining, until he was forced to say something back. "Ava, eat. You're not watching anymore TV tonight." "Hm!" She huffed and her arms went to her chest in protest.

He groaned, not needing the added frustration. He waited it out, and tried ignoring her again, hoping she would give up. Peyton refused to eat, and spit out anything he tried to spoon in. Finally he gave up, letting the girl's loud screams echo through the kitchen. He wondered what would happen if he just let her cry for awhile. He couldn't think of any health issues with it...except for maybe his sanity.

"Daddy, please!" Ava begged one last time and Derek stood up annoyed and nearly threw her plate into the sink. "Ava, go play, you're not turning that TV on." He somehow managed to keep his voice calm, even though his patience was sailing dangerously over the edge.

"Nooo..." She began to cry, an overly melodramatic fake cry that he could see right through, but it still made his chest ache anyway. It was different when Peyton cried. He loved the girl like his own. But he didn't feel the same connection with her as he did with Ava. His body didn't literally hurt at the sound of her hurting.

He kept his back turned, not wanting to give in. Knowing he had to stick his ground so the girl wouldn't end up any more spoiled than she already was. Peyton's cries grew louder, and intolerable as the lack of attention got to her.

The garage door opened and shut and when he turned around he was met face to face with his exhausted, very annoyed looking wife. Her hands were set on her hips, and she eyed the situation not sure what to make of both girls.

"What is going on Derek?" She snapped, and walked over to the high chair, swooping Peyton up in one quick motion. "Mommy, daddy wouldn't let me watch TV!" Ava cried, jumping down from her seat and walking towards her mother.

Meredith arched her eye brow at Derek, not believing it, and then looked down at her daughter. "Ava, you've been watching too much TV, go play with your toys and stop the crying." Ava's whining stopped immiedietly, knowing she rarely got her way with her mother.

The two were both stubborn, and Ava was too much like Meredith for her to be able to pull one over on her. Ava let out a huff and stomped out of the room. Peyton kept at the screaming until Meredith dug through her diaper bag that had been placed on the counter and popped a pink pacifier into her mouth.

The crying stopped suddenly, as Peyton eyed up the woman who was holding her for the first time. The kitchen was eveloped in silence and Derek smiled at Meredith, only to be met with a glare.

"Um...welcome home?" He told her sweetly, and she rolled her eyes and left the kitchen...leaving him bewildered.

I should be able to get tons of updates up this weekend! It's really just a matter of copying them and pasting them in. So bare with me while I do that!


	60. Chapter 60

The kitchen was spotless by the time Derek made the decision to follow Meredith into the family room. She was obviously frustrated..as was he, he wanted to give her time to cool off..a little ashamed to admit he was the one who probably needed the time.

He had been in a weird, angry mood since Mark told him about Addison's abortion. The maddening thoughts of deception wouldn't stop their angry pursuit to drive him completely insane.

Shutting off the kitchen lights he let out a sigh, before making his way into the semi-adjoining family room. He knew he was being irrational...it was a long time ago...he couldn't possibly hold a grudge over it, but in that moment, he couldn't help but feel betrayed.

Addison kept a lot from him, she was a completely different person when she came out to Seattle, the horrible reality that he didn't really know her at all slapped him in the face. He could have been happy with Meredith, he could have made things work sooner had he not stayed with Addison. The what if's of the situation drove him insane. He needed to talk to Meredith about it...that much he knew.

He had to smile, despite his angsty thoughts at the sight of Peyton struggling to crawl at Meredith's feet. She'd pull herself up on all four's and rock in a forward motion until she got tired, and flopped back down onto the carpet.

"Come on Pey you can do it!" Ava cheered holding out her arms waiting for the baby to make her way to her. He was mesmerized by the scene. Ava was going to be such a good big sister, it was apparent, she was a natural at the baby thing.

'Addison's going to be pissed if she learns to crawl while she's away...' Derek thought, and then shook his head as the bitter thoughts fought their way back in. 'Fuck that...she lied to me anyway...crawl Peyton crawl...' He chanted in his head, and then felt instantly guilty. He was torn, between anger and hurt.

Without a word he sat next to Meredith sinking down low into the plush sofa. Looking at her he noticed she too was focused on the girls at their feet. Her hands lay wrapped around her stomach, assuming the position she had so naturally picked up.

"She's going to be great with the babies.." Meredith said suddenly, after a few minutes of silence. Her comment earned a smile from Derek, the fact that they still thought the same things at the same time amazing to him.

He rolled his neck around and around, stretching out the tight muscles and letting the weight of the day finally catch up to him. "She really will be." He agreed, not taking his eyes off Peyton who had given up crawling, and pulled herself upright.

The couple watched them in silence, content to just relish the rare moment they could spend together. "I'm sorry things were crazy when you got home...I wasn't prepared for it..it's been a day actually.."

Meredith shifted to look at him for the first time, and frowned noticing the lines creasing his forehead. He looked worn out, and lost in thought. A tiny sliver of worry rumbled in her stomach, but she managed to shake it off in order to form a coherent sentence.

"What happened today? You don't seem ok." It was more of a statement than a question. He knew better than to deny the emotions running around his head. He wanted to tell Meredith about Addison, in fact he needed to tell her, though he didn't want her to take it the wrong way.

Addison was always a tricky topic when they brought up the past. There were still a lot of wounds that never fully healed...but had been forgotten about in order to get on with their lives. Derek had a whole other life before he met Meredith. He worried that would get to her eventually.

He hadn't noticed she was actively watching him, and when he finally turned to look at her he could see her teeth anxiously biting away at her bottom lip. He shook his head, letting her know in his own way that it was nothing she had done. The teeth stopped their assault and her body relaxed, but her eyes still looked him expectantly.

"I'll tell you later, after they are in bed...I don't want it repeated.." He glanced at their daughter, and Meredith shot him a knowing glance, understanding that they were no longer able to have private conversations without Ava questioning them about it. He kind of missed the days when she was a baby...and they could speak freely in front of her. Then again, he wondered if that's where she picked it all up in the first place. She had been around adults her whole life, observing, taking it all in to use to her benefit later in life.

Peyton looked up at Derek suddenly and he smiled, attempting to make peace with the hot headed infant. It was comical how fast her smile turned into a frown and in an instant warm tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"Hey..It's ok." Meredith cooed, glancing at Derek and shrugging her shoulders weakly. She lifted the baby up and once again she stopped crying, but her eyes never left Derek's.

"Why's she cryin' mommy?" Ava asked, moving so she could climb on the couch next to her mother. Meredith had no answer, not sure why the girl had suddenly burst into tears.

"Because...she doesn't like me!" Derek scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest like a child. It was just fitting to his mood, that the infant didn't want anything to do with him. It put the icing on the cake to his crappy day.

"Derek, she does not." Meredith chuckled at the sight of him practically pouting. "Hmm." He responded, gruffly and opened his arms to prove her wrong. "Fine, I'll prove it to you, hand her to me." Meredith hesitated when Peyton locked eyes with her as if pleading not to let her go...but finally did wanting to prove Derek wrong as well.

It took all of a minute for the shock of the transfer to wear off before the babies body went rigid and began to whimper. Shooting a glare at Meredith he handed her back, refusing to look at her as the child stopped once again.

"Dr. Daddy Derek her loves you!" Ava piped in from beside Meredith. "What did I say about that?" Derek responded a little harshly causing Ava to cower into her mother's shoulder.

Meredith looked at Derek, worried and concerned at his high frustration level. "Derek are you ok? I mean really ok...because you seem not ok..." He sighed, and nodded, not even knowing what he felt. It was just fitting that Peyton hated him...he was currently hating her mother...or angry..or whatever..he didn't even know and that made him even more upset.

"She doesn't hate you, she's at that stranger stage Derek." She reasoned with him, trying her be to comfort him the only way she knew how. "I'm not a stranger." He all but snapped, causing her to flinch. He looked at her and his face softened in apology not sure what had caused him to reply that way.

"You don't know her as well...it's ok, she'll warm up to you." "I'm her uncle how can she not know me?"

Meredith didn't reply, and neither looked at each other as the room was blanketed in an awkward silence. It dawned on him then, that he could probably count the number of times he had actually spent alone with the child. He wasn't there...he never had been.

"Oh..." Was all he said and Meredith shifted so she could take his hand in hers. His face was somber once again, masked in the guilt she had seen so much lately. "Derek, it's ok..." She started, but was interrupted by him getting up.

"No..it's really not." His voice was barely audible, and he walked over to where Ava was sitting and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry, but I keep telling you not to call me Derek."

"Sorry daddy..." She whispered with her head down in shame and he lifted her chin up so he could face her. "I love you." He replied before standing in front of Meredith. "I need to shower..and just...think for awhile. Will you be alright with them?"

Meredith was worried about him, not understanding what he was thinking. But she trusted in the fact that he would talk to her later. She nodded before he walked out of the room, listening as the TV was flicked on.

Again, even with all the horrible thoughts racing through his mind he had to smile...at the fact that Meredith had given in and turned on the TV.


	61. Chapter 61

Meredith found Derek an hour later right where he said he would be...laying down smack dab in the center of their bed. His hands were resting behind his head and he stared at the ceiling, lost once again in his own train of thoughts.

She didn't say anything as she padded into the room, stopping every once and awhile to look at him while she set up Ava's old baby monitor on her bedside table. He made no indication that he noticed her in the room, and she crinkled her nose in worry.

Something was wrong with him, something had happened...it didn't seem to be about her, she would know if it was. Derek's moods were something Meredith had grown accustomed to over the past several years. She got good at reading them, he had different quirks for each one.

She had broken them up into several categories, like files she could pull out and easily reference. There was "Something bad happened at work...Derek" which usually began with him sending something in his office careening to the floor and then morphed into upset and self doubt. Those were the hardest for her to fix.

There was also "Someone pissed me off angry Derek." Those usually started and ended with him irrationally yelling and saying things he didn't mean in the heat of the moment. He was complex, and usually he was so hurt in that mood that the sheer intensity of it caused him to lash out. She always saw those coming. His fists would curl up ready for battle...and the lines across his forehead stretched to the breaking point.

Her least favorite mood...was his "mad or upset with Meredith mood.." She liked to think it didn't happen very often. Those moods were the worst, because there usually was nothing she could do to fix it. His eyes held his every emotion, and they would turn gray and dull...almost like his soul had been ripped out.

The bed sunk beneath her as she sat down and turned to face him, kicking her shoes off in the process. He shifted over, silently acknowledging her existence, but his eyes still remained trained to the ceiling.

He was uncharacteristically quiet, and this mood took her by surprise. He wasn't angry or ready to burst with emotion, he was just laying there...so close..yet so far away

She didn't have a category for this mood, there was no file she could pull up and the worrying feeling bubbled in her stomach again as she wondered how to go about fixing it...or even finding out what the problem was.

She slid up in the bed and hovered over top of his face, her lips gently grazed his, soft, quick, telling him without words that she was there for him. He blinked, almost like he was noticing her for the first time and his eyes focused on her.

"Did they go down ok?" His voice was raspy from the lack of speaking and seemed loud in the silence of the room. Meredith smiled as he turned towards her, they were both facing each other now, and she was glad for the chance to read his features.

His eyes still had the familiar sparkle, but she could tell they were on their way to dull. His hair was standing up in all directions which she assumed was from him angrily running his hands through it. She swiped her hand over his head, running her fingers through his wild locks and smoothing them down in the process. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feather touches on his scalp. His mind relaxed a little, and he could feel the tension slowly draining from his neck.

"Yeah, Ava wasn't happy you missed tucking her in, but I think you'll be able to make it up to her tomorrow." He frowned, not wanting to have missed putting her to bed...but knew he wouldn't have been able to function if he had.

"Thank you for doing it alone...I just needed some time.." He watched her face change in concern and he smiled hoping she would understand. "Do you want to talk about it?" She hesitantly asked, not wanting to pry..but at the same time needing to know what had him so distracted.

"I do...I just...don't even know where to start." Came his reply and she took his hand in his running her thumb around it in small, comforting circles. "Did something happen? You said you talked to Mark..did he do something...?" She was trying to make sense of it all, trying to figure out what could of happened...and she came up with nothing.

He sighed, realizing that the words weren't as easy to say as he thought. "I talked to Mark today, about Addison..it didn't really go well." Meredith arched her brow in confusion. She knew it couldn't have gone that badly, if Peyton was spending the weekend with them.

"Ok...are you angry at him or something?" It didn't make sense, and she felt like a mother trying to get a story out of her child. He focused on the ceiling again for several minutes before finally looking back at her and the pain she saw in his eyes scared her. It wasn't his normal "Meredith" pain..it was something different all together.

"He wasn't happy that I was butting in..he has his reasons for being angry at her..reasons I couldn't even begin to understand until now. Meredith was more than confused now and she released his hand and placed it comfortably on his chest.

"What...reasons? I mean..he's mad I understand but he can't stay mad forever." She wasn't getting it...wasn't understanding Mark's actions at all...and she didn't see how it fit into Derek's current actions.

"Addison was pregnant with Mark's baby before she came out from New York." His voice had changed and was suddenly laced with the anger he had been holding in all day. "She wanted me back...so she had an abortion...he knew...she knew...I stayed with her and she never thought it important to tell me."

Meredith was left literally speechless in the wake of his story. It didn't make sense...Addison wanted kids...she tried so hard to have them. "I don't...Derek I don't understand.." Was all she could babble out before he sat up and fumbled with the buttons of his shirt before carelessly tossing it to the floor.

"I don't either. She betrayed me...several times..and I just can't help but wonder how things could have been different. I wouldn't have picked her..that's for sure...we could have been happy...I just hate her right now."

His shoulders slumped forward and he refused to lay back down. Meredith sat up, and wrapped her arms around his body. It didn't really work...with her pregnant belly and the position they were in...but it was all she could do to show him she was there for him.

"I can't believe she would do that..did you talk to her?" He shook his head no, clearly dismissing the idea all together. "It's surprisingly painful...I know it's stupid...but even after all this time..it stings."

She understood, better than he knew..but it didn't stop the tightness in her chest. Addison still had the ability to hurt him...she would always be his ex wife no matter how friendly they all became. No matter how much time passed, there would always be a part of Derek Addison held. Meredith had come to accept that. She had accepted it with ease...but it still ached sometimes. Her heart ached knowing the women could still hurt him...and that there was nothing Meredith could do to fix it.

"It's not stupid Derek. That's just cruel...I can't believe she would keep that from you...and Mark...he knew about it?"

"Yes..he knew when it happened...I can't be mad at him..it wasn't his place to tell me..." Meredith took her time massaging Derek's shoulders paying close attention to the spots that made him roll his neck around in response.

"We could of had a real chance then..you know? We could have been married sooner...maybe we wouldn't be going through all this now..." His comment stunned her, not really believing it to be true.

"That's not true Derek...and you know it. We both had too much baggage to have been happy then..I wouldn't have trusted you..or her..for that matter...and I was in no way ready to get married. You need to stop thinking like that."

"How can I not think that? If I knew that... I wouldn't have stayed with her. Bottom line"  
He shrugged away from her so he could turn and face her. His eyes had lost all shine now. "Derek, no. we wouldn't have been. Stop thinking that. Things happen for a reason and the way things turned out was perfect for us. I was ready...you were ready...and we moved on. Addison is in no way to blame for what we are going through now...that's all..."

"My fault." He snapped, interrupting her and trying to make a mad dash off the bed, but her tiny hands held him down.

He stilled his movements, letting her hands keep him down even though he could very well overpower her. "It is your fault. But it's mine too. I let it happen, I didn't stop you when I first noticed...I avoided it...it's both of our faults..but Addison telling you...would have made no difference...you still would have picked work over me...you still would have missed your daughter's birthday...so just stop putting blame on her." Meredith's voice had risen to a bossy level, almost commanding him to stop the horrible thoughts from controlling him.

Derek opened his mouth to say something but stopped...and turned his body completely around to look at her. Something clicked in his head, she could see it, his eyes bore into hers and a sudden jolt of electricity shot up her spine.

Before she knew what was happening he had gently pushed her onto her back locked his lips to hers with a searing kiss. It took her a minute to realize what was going on and she pulled away instead of returning the kiss.

"Derek..what?" He silenced her with his lips again and this time she let her tongue join with his causing her groin to tingle with anticipation. He was the one to pull away then, and he buried his face in her neck..gently nuzzling on the spot she liked so much.

"Bossyness turns me on.." He replied gruffly, not taking his mouth of her neck. She squirmed underneath him, trying not to enjoy it because she knew he was still upset. "Derek, you're not ok..." "I am ok..now that I'm with you.." He ground his hips into her pressing his erection against her and she couldn't help but rock her hips up into his.

"But..we should finish talking...you're clearly not yourself.." "I am myself Meredith...I just needed you to remind me of that.." He kissed her again, effectively ending the conversation. He was frustrated, and turned on, and in need of release.

Just as Meredith's body was responding to his ministrations a crackling broke through the room along with an angry cry that followed. Derek groaned, unhappily. "Ignore her...she'll stop.." Derek lifted her up and she helped him throw her shirt to the floor and all at once he was lavishing her nipples with kisses. She moaned, despite Peyton's angry wails and she finally gave up and moved to push Derek off of her.

"I have to go get her..." She moaned, earning a groan from her. "Or...you could let her cry...see if she stops?" He as tugging at straws, they both knew she wouldn't stop.

"She'll wake Ava." She said, moving away from him to find her shirt. "We'll never get her back to sleep." He roughly agreed, still turned on. The tightening in his pants was threatening to cut off his circulation.

"I'll rock her back to sleep, we can pick up where we left off..." She told him, hopeful that it wouldn't take long. She cursed at not being able to find her shirt and he stood up to help her.

"I'll go get her..." He comforted, feeling suddenly capable of handling the infant. "Are you sure?" He nodded, and pushed her back down on the bed kissing her one last time before Peyton's cried grew even louder over the monitor.


	62. Chapter 62

Meredith was surprised when Derek walked back into the room minutes later with a semi calm baby. Her eyes were red and scanning the unfamiliar room frantically, but she wasn't screaming..and Meredith took that as a good sign.

"She let me hold her.." He said, slightly amazed and she was glad to see the tension had left his shoulders. "I told you..she just needed to get used to you.." He made a noise in the back of his throat still unconvinced and laid down on the bed next to Meredith laying Peyton gently between them.

She looked to Meredith, holding out her chubby fists and grabbing onto Meredith's curly tendrils. She cooed, as Meredith made a silly face at her and then the baby thrashed her head to look at Derek showing no sign of sleepyness.

"Hey Peyton.." He gently whispered, her blue eyes took his in scanning his for any sign of danger. The girl reminded him so much of Addison. He didn't know what to make of that. She was a tiny Addison clone...he was mad at Addison. He had decided that. He had a right to be mad. There was a little mini Addison before him...and though Peyton seemed to be channeling her mother by interrupting the first sexual encounter he had had in weeks...he found it impossible to be mad at the infant.

"She has Mark's nose." He noticed for the first time, wondering how he hadn't caught it before. He ran his hand over her growing mane of auburn hair. She hadn't had much at first, but it was growing steadily..making her in Derek's opinion a whole lot cuter.

"I think she has Mark's attitude too. She's a flirt..just look at the way she bats those eye lashes..." Derek smirked and watched..it was true. Peyton was staring at him with a look of complete admiration. Like she just realized "Hey...what a cool uncle I've got..."

She rolled over suddenly and pushed herself up so that she was sitting facing Derek. Her tiny hands reached up for his nose and he chuckled at the touch. "I don't remember Ava being this mobile at this age..."

"She wasn't." Meredith replied, propping herself up with a pillow behind her back and watching as the pair warmed up to each other. With every touch from Peyton she could visibly see Derek relaxing more and more..almost as if Addison's daughter liking him made amends for his ex-wife's betrayal.

Before Derek knew what was happening Peyton was burying her head into his chest, content to just sit there half on top of him. She was tired after all, barely keeping her eyes open as he rubbed comforting circles around her back.

"Derek...that's adorable.." Meredith moved closer, feeling slightly left out and shifted to get comfortable on her side. With gently hands Derek pulled the baby towards him and maneuvered onto his back in the position she had enjoyed as a smaller infant.

She lifted her head up in protest and looked at Meredith, almost like she was checking to make sure she was safe before giving in to comfort and laying her head back down.

"I think she misses Mark." Meredith whispered, convinced that the child didn't see enough males...and therefore was afraid of anyone but her dad.

"He says he's not good with her...that she doesn't connect with him...but I find it hard to believe.." Derek replied, leaning his head up to kiss her downy skin. She was asleep seconds later, her chest rising and falling in time with his. It was a perfect moment, one he couldn't of imagined just hours earlier.

"Do you ever wonder what it would have been like...if you and Addison had had kids..?" She moved even closer, suddenly chilly and needing to feel his warmth. Her question surprised him, but it didn't take long for him to reply.

"No...it's weird but, I can't even imagine having kids with anyone but you."

"I know..it looks odd seeing you with a baby with bright red hair.." He smiled at that, knowing that his kids had no chance of having red hair. "I would have felt obligated to stay with her..even more so if we had had kids...I wouldn't have let New York..I know that.."

What sounded in his head to be an okay statement came out wrong and looking at Meredith's crest fallen face he realized it immediately. He could almost read her thoughts as she looked down at the bed spread, concentrating on the burgundy threads she could pick apart.

"That's why I didn't want to have these babies at first..." Her voice was pained and he wanted to kick himself for not thinking before he spoke. Of course she would relate it to them...though he found the situations completely different...she still had her doubts.

He felt a sudden wave of frustration over the fact the he couldn't reach out to her, Peyton was sound asleep on his chest, and moving her risked waking her up again...but Meredith clearly needed his reassurance.

"Meredith...come here." He told her, watching as she looked up at him and contemplated what to do. "Seriously. I can't move...so come here." He held out his one arm to her, the only gesture he could muster at the moment.

To his relief she moved, resting her head on his shoulder and he shifted his arm so that it could wrap protectively around both girls.

"My marriage with Addison was over. Having kids would have made it even clearer and it would have been frustrating to be forced to stay..but I would have...for them. But you..these babies were like a breath of fresh air. You woke me up, and they let me see just what I was missing out on. If I felt obligated...and truly didn't want this to work..then I wouldn't be here right now..I'd be at the hospital."

She was silent for awhile, taking in what he said. He felt her shoulders shake, and a small sniffle filled the air. She was crying...not hysterically but just gently crying into his chest and he pulled her tighter, his heart breaking.

"Why do you have to be so perfect?" She asked, between sobs, wiping her eyes in order to make the tears stop. He was confused at first, not understanding if he had upset her in a good way or a bad way...but decided to just ride with it..letting her call the shots.

"Mer...I didn't mean to make you cry..." He responded not even meaning to shorten her name, but it juts came out that way, he liked the way it flowed off his lips. She shook her head and buried her head in deeper embarrassed that her emotions were so out of control.

"It's the babies...and the hormones...and the breath of fresh air...and god Derek I love you so much." She was crying again, sobbing this time and he looked at her concerned at the sudden release of emotion. He decided it was a happy cry...or...maybe grateful..he wasn't sure...but he smiled anyway.

It was adorable, watching her pull herself together, ramble off for awhile..and then break into fits again. All he could do pull her closer, comforting her until they subsided. It was a much needed release he realized. For both of them. His crappy day was long forgotten as he listened to her breathing even out.

'I'm still mad at Addison.' He decided, to himself, but realized that it suddenly didn't matter whether him and Meredith had had the chance to get together sooner. They were together then...working on it...and happy..and that's all he could really ask for.

"Are you still awake?" He asked, shifting Peyton slightly so he could get a better look at his wife. "Yeah." She mumbled sleepily into his chest. "I think I'd like to try the counseling thing..."

She looked up at him shocked, and sighed, her whole body relaxing. "You do?" Responded, not believing.

"Yeah..it'll be weird for me at first..but..I want this fixed...I told you I'd do whatever it takes..and I meant it..." She couldn't help but smile...and he could see her eyes getting ready to water again.

"Please don't cry again." He joked, and she buried her head in his chest again, trying to keep the tears from falling. He chuckled even harder, causing Peyton's sleeping form to bounce on his chest.

"These babies are going to be the death of me.." He joked and she agreed, before she broke into sobs once again. Happy sobs...he decided...for sure that time.

Let me know if you guys are enjoying this...not enjoying it...want more updates...or less updates at one time. This site hates me and it takes forever, but if you guys are into this story and want more i'll gladly keep posting on an everyday basis. Thanks for reading and commenting or just reading! :)


	63. Chapter 63

it has been brought to my attention that in an earlier chapter Addison indeed told Meredith she had an abortion and I clearly stated in the last one two that Meredith didn't know. It was changed in my original document but don't know how to go about changing it here. So...for the sake of grey's...let's just pretend like Addison never said that to her and Meredith didn't know! Maybe I've been channeling Shonda too much ;) Forgetting my own plots! Thanks for the reviews. I'll keep posting as daily as I can!

Meredith's cry of frustration could be heard all the way down the hallway where Derek was dressing the girls.

"I hate this!" She whined, stepping out of her walk in closet with a huge pile of clothes in her hands and tossing them to the floor. "Stupid men...and their stupid penis's" she grumbled, attempting to zip the zipper on her maternity jeans with no success.

Her last pair of her first pregnancy jeans refused to budge. Peeling them off her legs became a difficult task making her wobbly on her feet. Standing only in her matching bra and underwear, she glanced at her reflection in the full length mirror, disgusted with the image showing back to her.

She hadn't been huge before...before she could get away with some of her larger T-shirts and a large scrub top...but now...now was a different story. She had popped overnight. Looking at her rounder face and obnoxious belly she stifled a moan and stepped back from the mirror.

"Hmm..if only could spend all day in your underwear..." She turned to see Derek had stepped into the room and was looking at her like he wanted to devour her.

"Don't talk to me." She snapped, sending him a menacing glare. He smirked, slightly shocked at the outburst, but also slightly amused such bossyness could come from such a tiny person.

Peyton was perched on Derek's hip, taking the scene in with trepidation, not really liking Meredith's tone of voice. For once she was clinging to Derek, digging her razer baby nails into his bicep.

He removed the babies nails from his skin and rubbed her back understanding the feeling. With his own trepidation, he stepped further into the room...deciding on what course he could take.

He chose his own fate when he leered, "So we're feisty today? Is it going to last awhile because I kind of like it..." The irritated shriek he got back let him know he picked wrong...but he couldn't help making lite of the situation.

Noticing the many clothes scattered across the room he eyed her curiously as Peyton was doing. Meredith had turned back to the mirror but could see their reflection behind her.

"Stop looking at me!" That earned a laugh from him.  
"I'm your husband...I'm allowed to look." Came his reply.  
"No, not with that judgmental look! She's looking at me the same way!" He smiled, looking at Peyton and then back at Meredith.

"I swear she could be your daughter with the face she's making right now..." She accused and his face fell suddenly.

He recovered quickly, realizing Meredith was in no joking mood. "I assure you she's not." He replied, still frowning at the thought.

With a huff Meredith turned away from both of them and made her way to her dresser where she began taring everything out one by one. Clothes flew in every direction and he ducked as a shirt sailed his way barely missing his face.

Peyton let out a warning cry in protest and clung to him, scared for her tiny life. "Meredith! What is this!?" He finally cried, needing an explanation before he got something harder thrown at him.

She continued in her assault until there were no clothes left to chuck. She turned to do the same to his drawers but he called her name before she could get that far.

"Meredith!?" He was sort of worried now. In the time it had taken him to feed the girls breakfast she had turned into a tornado of emotions. She was fine that morning...they were fine.

She ignored him and began kicking around the clothes on the floor...searching for something that wasn't there.

"It's a little early for me to interpret this...you have to give me something here." He almost begged, struggling to keep the baby from sliding down his hip. She was restless, and not at all enjoying Meredith's whirlwind of destruction.

"You want something Derek? How about the fact that I'm so fat that not even my maternity clothes fit!" She snapped with such disdain that he almost pinched himself to see if it was a dream.

He let out a breath of air, and wanted to smile...at how easy it was to fix, but decided against it. He couldn't remember her ever being so angry at something so simple before...it still wasn't something he could get used to.

"Ok..well that's not too bad. There has to be something that fits." He reasoned, scanning the articles of clothing that littered the floor.

"This is all your fault! You and your super sperm! Don't even ask me how the two times we don't use a condom in the history of us...I get pregnant.." He had to laugh at that..feeling suddenly proud.

"Hmm..super sperm I like the sound of that...and it definitely wasn't the only two times we went without condoms..." He whispered the word condom and his comment earned a scowl from her. "You know what's funny? You sleeping on the couch for the next 3 months." He still couldn't stop smiling. Her freak out was a little annoying, but at the moment it was too cute to be angry at.

"Now everyone is going to stare at the fat, ugly, naked lady...my patients wont even want me operating on them."

"You wont actually be naked"  
"Yes, I will. I'm going to go to work butt naked, screw everyone." She was angry now, not even stopping her tirade look at him.

"I don't really like the idea of people ogling up my wife." He mumbled, thinking about it in his head and getting slightly angry before shaking it off and realizing he was falling into her ridiculous suggestion.

"I will Derek Shepherd. I'm going naked...and there's nothing you can do about it"  
"Meredith Grey, you are not going naked!" He joked, but matched her tone to play along. Her head whipped around so fast he wondered how it didn't fall off.

"Did you just Grey me?" "It is your name isn't it?" He was teasing her now, trying to get at least a little humor out of the situation.

"That's funny Derek, because I thought my marriage license said Shepherd on it, maybe I was mistaken...or..maybe that was your first wife who kept her last name..."

That stung..and he bit his lip realizing he had a bigger issue on his hands than he thought. "Meredith, I was kidding...there's no need to..."

She held up her fist which abruptly stopped him from speaking. "Seriously?! You want to go there right now. Seriously!"

He stepped closer to her ignoring Peyton's whimpers. "Yes, I greyed you. But only because your face scrunches up into a cute frown when you get angry." That was all it took for her to shriek again and throw her hands up in the air.

"Right now, I hate you Derek Shepherd and your stupid penis. In fact, I don't want to see your penis ever again." He held back his laugh at that, knowing it would never EVER happen.

"You didn't seem to hate last night.." He whispered sexily causing the hair to spike up on the back of her neck. "I actually...remember you liking it several times in the past 6 months..." She shook her head, annoyed at her bodies unconscious reaction.

Seeing her getting ready to bolt, he grabbed her arm before she could get away and pulled her close. Peyton let out a yelp at being almost squished, but he kissed Meredith anyway, leaving a soft kiss on her lips.

"Daddy, do you have a penis?" They heard Ava call from the doorway and he let out a frustrated groan not even expecting that..though he should have.

"I'm not even answering that. That's all you." She fumed and pulled away from him faster than he could stop her. Ava bounded into the room full of energy and launched herself onto her parents bed.

He took a long stride to catch up with Meredith, effectively ignoring his daughter in the process. "Meredith, you're pregnant with twins...you're not fat...go get dressed and we'll go to the mall and get new pants."

She rolled her eyes annoyed with his suggestion. "Did you not get it? I can't get dressed because I have no pants!" She attempting to close the door in his face but he held it open with one arm..which was no easy task with Peyton on his hip.

"Wear my sweatpants..they look cute on you"  
"To the mall? I'll look like a slob!" She turned down his suggestion and he frowned knowing she wasn't one to really care how she looked on her days off.

"You'll look adorable." He smiled, and she flinched when he came closer to her, avoiding his attempts to kiss her. "Fine then we're getting Burger King for lunch." Derek's disgusted face gave her enough leeway to shut the door in his face.

"That stuff is poison Meredith! My babies are not going to start their life eating that crap." He glanced at Ava who widened her eyes at his choice of words. He was probably going to get a lecture from his 4 year old...the potty mouth police. Just what he needed...a mad Meredith and a bossy daughter.

"Your daughter's want it." She called through the door. "You should have thought about that before your super sperm invaded my body!" He sighed, resting his head on the door and listening as the shower kicked on and knew any reply he uttered would be drowned out by the noise.

"How come you and mommy are yelling?" He groaned, not even sure why they were yelling. He hoisted Peyton into the air, soaring her onto the bed while his protective hands rested behind her head.

"It's the babies..I think..." Was all he could think to reply. "The babies are making her crazy again!?" Came her exasperated reply holding her hands up in the air much like Meredith had a few minutes before.

He laughed at that, unable to stay frustrated while their daughter said such grown up things.


	64. Chapter 64

The downtown mall was overly crowded for that time of year. It was only early November, still weeks before the holiday season was in full swing and yet..Meredith and Derek could barely move as they walked through the modern style mall.

The insipid Christmas Carols Meredith couldn't stand, Nat King Cole and other regulars she despised where already blaring from the speakers. it didn't take her long to remember why she did all her shopping online.

She shook her head, not being able to fathom Christmas yet. Derek was a huge holiday person. He lived for it. From Thanksgiving on he would be in full out Christmas mode, the year before he had even decorated the house with lights, knowing there was no one within 5 miles to see it.

Meredith played along with the season. Mostly for Ava. Her mind flashed back to her sitting home alone entertaining Derek's family the Christmas before..while he went to work..and she tensed up a little, unintentionally gripping her daughter's hand a little tighter.

She would never admit that she was kind of exciting for Christmas. She was excited for the chance to share it as a family...excited to not have to do it alone. Admitting it would only leave her disappointed in the end..that much she knew. Even though Derek seemed to be changing in all the right ways, she couldn't allow her self that last little bit of hope, worried that the flicker might die out completely if he let her down again.

"I hate this." She mumbled under her breath, but loud enough for Derek, who was at her side to hear. Her thoughts about last Christmas had left her suddenly sad, and she morphed into into anger and annoyance so she wouldn't have to pull Derek into yet another conversation over things he had missed. It had been an emotional month...they had talked about a lot and cleared the air, but she knew it was only the beginning in what was going to be a long road.

Derek frowned as he weaved the stroller through the sea of rather unpleasant people. He had hoped the mall would cheer her up, but they had been there half an hour and she was looking anything but cheerful.

"It's just the mall.." He sighed, glaring at a woman who bumped into the stroller.

"People are staring at me Derek."

He laughed, to hide his annoyance of the entire situation. "No, it's my natural good looks they are looking at."

"Exactly!" She huffed. "They are staring at you wondering what you are doing with a fat slob like me!"

He narrowed his eyes, and stopped walking abruptly, causing the people behind them to grumble. His fingers drummed an erratic rhythm on the stroller handle in an attempt to piece his mind together before he spoke.

He was growing annoyed with her behavior. He didn't know how she felt, and he couldn't relate, and that day..she was impossible to please. He felt completely and utterly useless...like he was married to some stranger instead of Meredith.

He opened his mouth to voice his thoughts, but then shut it quickly seeing the lack of confidence in her eyes. This wasn't his Meredith. This was not her..but the babies reeking havoc on her hormones. He sighed, reminding himself of that fact over and over before finally speaking.

"Look, there's the maternity store you liked so much last time. Take the credit card and buy as many pants as your heart desires, just make sure they are still easy for me to get into.." He joked, before pulling out his wallet and handing her the card that she rarely carried with her.

He could see her eyes light up just slightly, at the notion that he still found her attractive, and he smiled and pointed in the direction of the store. He could see the wheels in her head turning, trying to come up with a way to argue with him in order to have the last word. His gentle tilt of his head calmed her, and she took the card reluctantly.

"Will you be ok with them alone?" She wondered aloud, and he nodded, confident that the sleeping baby in the stroller no longer hated him. "I'm going to take them to the Disney store, meet us there when you're done" She managed a smile, and departed for the store a little excited to be in a store where she would feel normal.

He watched her go, praying that new pants would do the trick. If not..he'd have to resort to Burger King...and that made his stomach churn. 


	65. Chapter 65

The Disney store seemed to be the most crowded store in the mall and the moment they entered he had trouble keeping an eye on Ava who darted away from him every other second.

The store, with it's bright colors and walls covered with every princess thing imaginable was quickly making his head spin. The store seemed to ooze happiness..and he wasn't really sure he could handle it that day.

"You need to stay with me!" He called to his high speed daughter as she ran down the aisles like a bull in a china shop. The stroller couldn't make it through the small, stuffed animal filled corners and he called her name again, frustrated he couldn't stay protectively behind her.

"Daddy, daddy can I have this...!?" She asked, when he finally managed to catch up to her and place a hand on her shoulder stilling her movements.

In front of him stood a large Hannah Montana display, and she held up an over sized Hannah T-shirt which a giant picture of his daughter's newest role model super sized on the front.

There were people everywhere. Parents yelling at children, kids throwing tantrums, babies screaming, sales people eying eager to talk him into a big purchase. His ear drums buzzed with the craziness around him.

"I want this!" She whined, in her adorable way effectively shaking him out of his Walt Disney induced daze. "No..we're not here to buy things.." He argued, cringing at the fact that it was going to be a fight. As her tiny pink bottom lip slipped out he had to remind himself of that over and over.

The T-shirt was cute...and would look adorable on her..but Meredith would shoot him. He had to remember his hormonal wife. "Let's wait till mommy gets here." He replied, causing the lip to petrude even more, a Meredith lip. In that moment, he prayed to whatever genetics had already taken place that his daughter's got his looks instead of Meredith's. He couldn't take two more...4 of those adorable pouting faces would do him in.

The princess shelf next to the Hannah display caught his attention and his eyes were suddenly drawn to the infant clothes that lined it. "Little girls are born princesses.." it read, and he ate it up, knowing that his girls were it.

There were two tiny t-shirts that melted his heart and he imagined his twins lifting up their cute little arms to be held with them on.

His body reacted before his mind did. He was so far gone in his thoughts that he didn't notice how quiet it had become around him. His body visibly shook, as if alerting his mind that something wasn't right.

He looked to find Ava gone from her previous spot. He darted his eyes around quickly expecting to see her on the other side of the display, but it was empty. Standing on his tippy toes he he wished he was taller as he desperately tried to see the whole store.

Peyton picked that moment to wake up and let out a sleepy yell at the fact that she had missed her lunch time bottle. Fear shot through him as he did a complete 360 in the store not seeing his daughter anywhere.

He remembered to take the stroller, pushing it forward not even knowing which direction to start in. He called her name, gently at first, then again...and again..and by the 5th time his voice was bordering on panicked.

He couldn't except the fact that she could be lost...he wouldn't even let his mind dwell on all the things that could have happened...he wasn't careless...he never let her out of his sight. He yelled for her again, earning sympathetic looks from passers by.

His palms broke out into a cold sweat as seconds turned to minutes and sheer panic began to set in. He couldn't think...his head was screaming not knowing what to do. Peyton was screaming, in hunger, yet he didn't notice...he could no longer hear what was going on around him.

Just as he was reaching for his cell phone to call Meredith, or the police...or anyone who would listen, he caught sight of a familiar head of blond hair in the very back of the store.

He recognized the blue dress with her "Hannah" boots she had insisted on wearing that morning. He tried to take a deep breath, but it was no use. He couldn't make his normally steady surgeon hands stop shaking as he pushed the stroller towards his daughter.


	66. Chapter 66

Peyton was still crying, though by the time he could make his way over to Ava it had simmered down to dull whimper. He could see his daughter clearly now, though her back was turned to him..it was hard not to notice her unmistakable giggle as she showed off her dress to the stranger bending over her.

The woman put a hand on Ava's shoulder and a jolt of anger shot through him. Who was this person that leered his daughter away from him. What kind of person just warms up to a random 4 year old.

His fists clinched as he took the last few strides to be directly behind her. "Ava, what are you doing!?" He hissed, not able to keep his voice from showing the many emotions that were racing through his mind. The adrenaline shooting through him was turning to anger, as he realized how much danger his daughter could have been in.

Ava looked up in surprised but was in no way afraid of her father. "Not a stranger. Lexie daddy!" She replied thinking it was the most exciting thing in the world.

His mind was still fuzzy from the panic he had felt and was slow at processing the young girl who was standing up straight now and speaking to him.

"Oh...Hello Dr. Shepherd." The familiar voice murmured rather nervously. He looked up at her then, confused and then taking a deep breath as reality set in and he realized she wasn't a stranger at all.

Lexie's short hair was curled under framing her face and the sweater and khakis she had on made her virtually unrecognizable as the women he knew from the hospital. He had to unclench his fists before he could reply, making his reaction to the women rather delayed.

She looked completely different out of the hospital and frankly, he wasn't expecting to run in to her at all. "Oh, sorry Lexie, I didn't realize it was you." He had forgotten about Ava again, and looked down at his side to see her grinning happily. Remembering she was the cause of his near panic attack he bent down to her level and spoke to her.

"You can't just walk away like that Ava. I was worried!" He lectured, not understanding why Ava suddenly refused to follow simple directions. Ava crinkled her forehead and narrowed her eyes in anger at being scolded. Her little arms crossed at her chest and he stood back up to face Lexie.

"Not good Ava. Maybe next time we need to put you in a stroller like a baby"  
"No!" She argued, moving to stand as far away from the stroller as she could.

"I'm sorry Dr. Shepherd, it's my fault..she saw me and just ran up...I was wondering where you and Meredith...were.." Her sentence faltered midway through, like it was physically hard for her to say her half sisters name.

Lexie fumbled with the bags in her hand nervously before looking around the store in one Derek thought was a diversion.

"It's ok, she knows better...she's a handful when she wants to be..we're not at work you should call me Derek." Lexie shook her head in reply before she looked around again.

"No, I shouldn't"  
"I insist on it. You're my...whatever.." He trailed off realizing he didn't actually know what she was in relation to him.

Peyton let out another cry, signaling to Derek that it was his last chance before she went into full hysterical mode. Both adults reacted to the baby just as Meredith walked behind Derek, stopping suddenly at the site in front of her.

"Lexie"  
"Oh...Meredith.."

Both fumbled at almost exactly the same time before they fell into an awkward silence. Derek unbuckled the baby and took her out of the confines of her seat while he reached to grab a bottle from the bag.

He looked at Meredith, not having a clue as to what she was thinking, but knowing it probably wasn't going to make his day any better. Lexie looked at the baby in Derek's arms as if she was noticing her for the first time.

She looked in confusion from Meredith's swollen belly to the baby wondering if they were one of those baby factory families. She couldn't see either of them with tons of kids...and keep the careers they had.

"I...didn't know you had a baby too...she's beautiful." Derek was quick to intervene, not even giving Meredith time to process what she had said.

"Oh no...this is the Sloan's baby. She's my god daughter, actually." He turned her in his arms so she was facing the woman.

Lexie's smile faltered, as all the pieces of Seattle Grace seemed to come together. "Oh...that's so weird, Dr. Sloan never mentioned he had a baby.." She remembered the day she had started. Meeting Mark Sloan and thinking how incredibly sexy he was was the highlight of her day.

He flirted with her, saying all kinds of inappropriate things that made her blush...and then he had found out she was a Grey and he closed up abruptly. Though he never mentioned a wife, that was the story of her life in Seattle. After the first introduction the conversation usually stopped.

Derek chuckled, "I'm not surprised. I've never actually heard him admit he's married to anyone." He could feel Meredith's glare beside him without even looking at her. She was telling him she wanted to leave, and fast, but he didn't know how to just walk away.

He handed Peyton her bottle and the baby took it eagerly, not wasting any time in devouring it. "Aunt Lexie I found it!" Someone interrupted and both Meredith and Derek looked down at a young girl who was pulling on Lexie's sweater.

She was older than Ava, with dark brown hair that seemed way too long for such a young girl. She looked a lot like Lexie, with dark eyes and petite facial structure. "Oh good." Lexie smiled taking the DVD out of the girls hand.

She suddenly realized how weird the situation had become and turned back towards Meredith to introduce the girl.

"Oh...this is my niece...Laura.." Meredith's breath hitched, and her eyes widened to the point where it was impossible for Lexie not to notice her reaction. Lexie had no prior knowledge that Meredith had ever met her niece...and she wasn't sure whether to make that fact known or not.

"Your niece?" Derek asked, oblivious to what was going on. He barely remembered Meredith had another sister, it wasn't something she discussed ever.

"Yes...um..this is my sister Molly's daughter..." Lexie looked at Meredith apologetically wanting to flee from the situation as much as she did. Laura looked up at both of them and Meredith's stomach did a flip flop. It was weird seeing her when she was an infant...and even weirder then. Her niece..she had a niece. One who was adorable and tall...and no at all like the sick baby she had me briefly so many years ago.

"I'm sorry..this is weird...we were just on our way to get ice cream, I didn't mean to bother you.." Lexie stammered...and Derek shook his head not wanting her to think she was a burden.

"That's ok, I'm sorry Ava bothered you actually." He spoke looking down at his daughter who was eyeing up Laura with fascination.

"I want ice cream! Can I go with Lexie? Please, she's my new friend!" She begged, and all three adults shook their head realizing how awkward it was becoming.

"Um..no Ava we have shopping to do."

"But I really like her daddy!"

Derek noticed Meredith was completely silent and looked at her crest fallen face. "I know but now isn't a good time.."

"I want to go!"

"I could take her if you want..it wouldn't be any trouble.." Lexie offered, not really sure what to do.

He thought about it, caught between wanting his daughter to be happy and not wanting his wife to cremate him. "No, I mean it's a great offer and maybe we can set something up soon..but we have things to do Ava."

Lexie nodded in understanding and took Laura's hand getting ready to leave. Meredith still had not said a word and both sisters were avoiding each others gaze.

"Ok, well we have to get going, have a great weekend." She spoke to both of them. Lexie walked away and Laura trailed next to her looking back at Ava and the baby.

"I want to go!" Ava pleaded and he ignored her to focus on his wife who was uncharacteristically silent.

"Are you ok?" She didn't reply, and he noticed the bags in her hands. "You got pants? Good, I'm glad the trip was worthwhile..." He was trying to get her talking, and it wasn't working at all.

Ava started to cry, at being ignored. "Ava, stop. We're in a store." She walked over to Meredith and clung to her side refusing to look at her father. He groaned in response and sat Peyton back into her stroller.

"This is a disaster..." She nodded, in agreement and took her daughter's hand still ignoring the whining. "There's something I need to pick up, how about I meet you outside?"

She spoke for the first time, and he was relieved that her voice sounded ok.  
"Alright..do you want me to take Peyton"

"Yeah I'll trade you her for your bags." Derek handed the stroller over willingly, happy to be able to move without the extra baggage. Shopping with two kids was turning out to be a lot harder than he thought.


	67. Chapter 67

"So...who's ready for lunch?" Derek asked as he approached the bench Meredith was sitting on only to be met with dead silence. Peyton was still sucking hungrily at her bottle, Ava was pouting with her arms still crossed, and Meredith was drifting off into space.

"Okay...I guess we're not hungry then?" He sat down beside her, sitting the bag down at his feet and putting his hand on her leg. He still got no reply, from either of the two most important girls in his life and it left him feeling slightly jilted.

"Meredith, talk to me." He begged, sweeping a piece of hair behind her ears.

"I should have let her go." Came her saddened reply, and Derek had to take a minute to figure out what she was talking about.

"Go where?"

"With Lexie. I should have let her go. What kind of person keeps their daughter from knowing their own aunt?" She whispered, turning purposely so that Ava wouldn't overhear.

"Meredith, I'm the one that said she couldn't go...we're in the middle of a shopping trip...she can't just leave.."

"She has a whole other family...cousins..and I'm holding her back from that."

Derek couldn't understand how those words were coming out of his wife's mouth. She never felt bad about Ava not knowing her family before.

"Ava has tons of cousins..more cousins than she can remember at this point...and our friends...they are her family here."

"But what if it's not enough?" She snapped, angry at herself. "She likes Lexie...what if in ten years she resents me for keeping her from them...I can't be like my mother, Derek."

His eyes softened, it sort of made sense to him then. Meredith not wanting to end up like her mother was a common fear they had faced practically since the day they met. It usually wasn't something she voiced out loud...and he wished they weren't in a crowded mall so he could take the time to really talk to her about it.

"She won't. Trust me. You just met Lexie yourself, you can't be expected to be instantly sisters. You're not a bad mother for not wanting Ava to go off with someone we barely know...she could be a serial killer for all we know...that niece...she could have kidnapped that girl and pawned her off as her niece.."

"She's not a kidnapper, Derek." She hissed.

"I was kidding, Meredith." He shot back, letting out a puff of air. He decided to let the subject drop and busied himself with the shopping bag at his feet.

"Do you want to see what I bought?" He asked, and she shrugged, but shifted her eyes unable to hide the curiosity.

He pulled out two articles of clothing and held them up one at a time letting Meredith see each one in detail.

Both were tiny infant sized T-shirts, and he held them up with pride that he had picked them out. The first one was blue with Cinderella on it and the second was pink with sleeping beauty on it.

She took them out of his hands looking over the cotton material in awe. "I figured I needed to expand for my two new princesses."

Meredith smiled, thinking he was the cheesiest dad in the world, but she couldn't help but tear up at how cute he was.

"I got this too." He pulled out a third, larger t-shirt with Ariel on it. "You know, for Peyton, my daughter...the red even matches her hair.." He chuckled, and Meredith elbowed him.

"This is really cute, Derek."

"I know...I saw them and just had to get them. I got a H.A.N.N.A.H one for miss sourpuss over there...but I figured I'd wait and use it for bribery."

"Derek Shepherd...would bribe his own daughter?" She asked in a fake surprised voice.

"Well...whatever works at this point. I lost her in the store you know. She ran off to Lexie...and I really thought I had lost her...so...who's the bad parent now?" He felt better telling her, he hoped then she wouldn't feel so bad about herself. Neither of them were perfect. They hadn't planned to get pregnant either time and were thrown into the trials of parent hood to sink or swim on their own.

"I lost her once over the summer." She admitted, avoiding the surprise she knew she'd see in his eyes.

"What? Where...you never told me that.."

"The grocery store. She just..wondered away while I was picking out apples.." He was silent, not really believing it. His daughter was a walker...she did it often...and he never knew.

"Why didn't you tell me? I feel like it's something we need to watch out for.."

She shrugged, and her face fell back to the sadness he had seen earlier. "I did tell you Derek."

He felt like he had been punched in the stomach, and just sat watching her as she struggled to get up off the bench.

"I'm sorry...I must have..I don't remember that at all." He was frowning, and his eyes were down, her brain was working over time to remember and when he couldn't his mind proceeded to add to the guilt.

"Stop Derek. We both can't be dark and twisty. Besides, we need to eat...I think I can smell Burger King from here..."

He just sat there, staring up at her until he finally stood up and took her hand in his. He wanted the feeling to go away, he wondered how long he would be laced with guilt. "I think we should start looking into counselors when we get back..." It wasn't something he wanted to do, it was actually the last thing he felt like doing. But he couldn't handle the guilt anymore. He couldn't handle sad Meredith...even if it was just the hormones. It scared him...and thinking that someone could help them get to the bottom of it all gave him the hope he needed, to finish out the day of shopping. 


	68. Chapter 68

Sorry this took awhile. This site has been giving me a hard time...so it took longer than it should to load this. I'll post two tonight and more tomorrow! I have these all banked...it's hard to believe but this is only...I'd say not even the mid point of the story...so i hope you are into reading a long saga..because it by no means is short! ;)

Thanks for reading and the comments help to get me updating. If too many days go by and I don't...just start yelling at me!

"This one looks nice, how about Dr. Hourton?" Meredith frowned before sliding her chair closer to Derek so she could look at his lap top.

"It's a boy…" She trailed off…and crinkled her nose in disgust. He ignored it, and clicked to make the page bigger.

"Yeah…so? It says here he's one of the best and around our age.."

"I don't want to talk to a guy about our marriage, he'll be sitting there judging me and making me take the blame…" Derek looked at her like she had two heads.

"What…are you talking about? He's a therapist Meredith, I think he's trained not to judge people. And blame? Who said anything about blame?" He couldn't hide the frustration in his voice. It had been a long weekend…too long. It was the first weekend he could remember where they both had time off…and it seemed like they were successfully driving each other crazy. Or at least…his unborn daughter's were driving him and his wife crazy….making him crazy as well.

Meredith slapped his hand out of the way and took over the touch mouse pad and pulled up another Doctor's profile.

"Here. This one is nice. She went to Oxford…and used to live in LA where she worked with many famous couples…" Meredith kept going, but Derek interrupted her.

"LA? She sounds like a flake. And famous couples? What respectable doctor in their right mind goes to Oxford and then helps washed up celebrities in LA?" Meredith rolled her eyes at him and pulled up another profile.

It was a woman again, and Meredith read off her seemingly un-impressive resume. "Why does it have to be a woman?"

"Because women understand the situation better…"

"Oh..I see. You just want a woman so I can be the selfish, asshole husband who gives up on his family?" He accused and she stared at him as if she was insulted.

"I never said that Derek. And what happened to 'Their trained not to pass judgement..blah blah..'"

"This is ridiculous. We're obviously not going to agree." He sighed, and left the counter top island to get a drink from the fridge.

"Maybe we should just ask the hospital for a recommendation?" She could tell right away her suggestion wasn't going to work as he turned and looked at her with a horrified look on his face.

"Sure..let's do that. And while we're at it, we can just go in without wedding rings on to feed the Seattle Grace gossip chain. I really don't want the hospital knowing we're seeking help for our problems." He had started to raise his voice a little, letting the whole situation get to him, but brought it back down knowing that the kids were napping in the next room.

"That's not what I meant Derek. I just think maybe Psych would be able to recommend someone for us."

"Uhhhh." He let the irritated noise escape from the back of his throat and it bounced around the kitchen and hit her like a ton of bricks.

"I'm sorry if this is annoying you, I didn't realize this was such a chore." Came her snappish reply, and he sat his glass down on the counter harsher than he meant to.

"It's not Meredith. I just don't want people to know we're going to counseling."

"Are you ashamed?" She was challenging him, her voice leering almost willing him to pick a fight.

"No. But it's a personal matter. I already went through one failed marriage under the hospital scrutiny. I really don't want to do that again."

"We're not failing Derek." She threw back at him, shutting the lap top and attempting to get down from the high counter chair without her enlarged stomach getting stuck.

"That's is not what I meant…."

"But it's what you said…" She interrupted causing him to run his fingers through his hair and turn widely around to face her.

"Just stop!" He broke in, not able to keep his voice low anymore. The stress of the weekend had finally caught up to him and he couldn't handle it anymore. His mind was screaming at him. One half of his brain was cautioning to calm down and the other half was laughing at him, taunting him, telling him to yell and freak out over the changing moods of his wife.

She stared at him, shocked, and not moving and then her face seemed to fall all at once, like he had physically punched her just by uttering those words. It wasn't even what he had said, but how he had said it. He never spoke to her that way. They used to be able to banter, they called it mockery. It was who they were. They used to be able to do a lot of things.

He let out a breath, and hung his head down, guilty over how it had come out, but not really feeling sympathetic. 'She picked a fight with me on purpose…I have a right to be mad..' The angry side of his brain thought. 'She didn't know how frustrated you were…you've been hiding it from her..' The sympathetic side added in, keeping him in check like an angel on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry." He apologized, and poured himself a glass of water. Meredith could see the tension in his shoulders almost radiating off him in each breath he took.

"What's wrong?" She stayed in her spot by the counter nervously fumbling her fingers across the mosaic tile. He sighed again. A shorter version of the first and when he turned to face her he was met with her staring at her hands.

"It's just been a long weekend. It didn't start too great…" He tried to explain it to her without sounding like an awful person. Her moods were leaving him with a short fuse..but how could he tell his pregnant wife that?

She still didn't look to his eyes. She felt guilty, she had been arguing with him all weekend. She shook her head, visibly fighting with the thoughts within her. She couldn't control the constant onslaught of hormones. She felt like something was taking over her body. "Yeah..I know.." came her whispered reply and he knew just by looking at her that he had upset her.

"We're just…we're driving each other crazy." He hadn't thought about it before the words were out of his mouth. They just flew out and he looked at her expecting her to lash out at him but instead she just nodded…which scared him even more.

"Yeah..it's…that's never really happened before.." He looked at her, a full tilting of the head look that usually made her go weak at the knees..but in that moment it did nothing at all.

"It's not a big deal Meredith…we've been stressed…"

She nodded, not really believing him. It was her fault….she was a hormonal, fat, pregnant women who was driving her husband crazy. Afterall, that's really what he meant…she was driving him nuts and that notion had blood rushing to her head in an angry fashion.

The anger however strong it was, lacked any oomph and soon turned into instant hurt as she stared watching him try and read her. Finally she broke eye contact with him effectively ending their conversation.

"I'm just…going to lay down for awhile." She didn't even look at him as she walked out. He stood there, feeling bewildered. It seemed like all recent events were bewildering. They started easy like a summer storm and ended like an F 5 tornado. It didn't know what to think, or what to even do. They never fought, and ever since they had been for all intents and purposes "separated.." it seemed as if that's all they did.

It dawned on him that you had to communicate in order to fight…and that was definitely lacking a year ago. Walking back over to his lap top he opened it and stared blankly at the page. "A counselor is going to think we are completely nuts." He stated, to the empty kitchen. He clicked on the first woman's email address and quickly typed a message of interest to her. "Yes. Completely nuts."


	69. Chapter 69

The family room was one of Derek's favorite rooms in the house. It was open, flowing evenly into the kitchen. They had designed it that way, partly for their future kids, but mostly because they weren't really ones for blocked off rooms.

His favorite part of the room were the French doors that lead out to the expansive deck. Just beyond Ava's fenced in play yard was the gated pool and beyond the pool stood the lake in all it's shimmering glory. Hues of pink and purple were dashing across the calm water in preparation for the impending sunset.

Meredith had only been upstairs for 20 minutes. He was emotionally exhausted and torn between the two sides of his brain that were bugging him again. They were like a scale, one was constantly out weighing the other and he was at a loss over what to do.

One thing he knew however, was he had the cutest daughter in the world. She had literally crashed after running wild all day. Her body was barely on the sofa. Both legs were hanging off and just her upper body was actually on the piece of furniture. He wasn't sure how she was even staying balanced, but it made him smile none the less.

Peyton had seemed to have crashed the same way. Her tiny body was curled over Ava's Unicorn in a sitting position, with her head resting on the toy. It was like both girls were frozen in place. He wanted to move them, but decided against it. Content to just watch them sleep. It wasn't often that it was so quiet. He hated to admit it, even though he had grown fond of the baby...he couldn't wait until Peyton went home so he could just have a few hours with just him and Ava.

Derek thoughts were interrupted by the sudden doorbell and he cringed watching as Ava shifted, startled in her sleep and he quickly shifted her legs up onto the sofa so she wouldn't fall. Peyton hadn't budged, and he watched her back unconsciously checking to see if she was breathing. Having children made him even more aware of the things that could go wrong within the human body.

Out of the glass window that lined the door he could see a glimpse of dark red hair and knew instantly his day wasn't going to get any better.

"Derek...I thought you'd be working..." Addison was being awkward as she stepped into the foyer. Her high heeled boots clacked across the hard floor but she kept her eyes averted, darting around for something to distract her.

Derek knew instantly that Mark had told her. He could tell just by her stance that she knew he was mad...and there were only a few times she would ever act out of character.

Addison didn't know what to say, she hadn't felt this awkward around Derek in recent memory and the way he was looking at her with utter disgust gave her less courage to say anything at all.

"I had off this weekend...which I'm sure your husband told you.." His monotone voice was almost robotic, though it had a hint of disdain that made Addison look up at him and when their eyes connected, it sent frigid shivers down her spine.

He was angry...hurt...disappointment. She could see it all clearly in his eyes..though he didn't think he was betraying emotion at all.

They stood in an uneasy silence until she unbuttoned her gray Micheal Kors Pea coat and pursed her lips together in a sure sign that she wanted to say something..but was thinking better of it.

Finally, something in her head clicked and she shook her head annoyed. 'I'm Addison...I don't shy away from a fight...shape up...shape up...' Getting her confidence back was easy, her and Derek were pros at arguing. Before the divorce, back in New York, they were poster children for marital disputes. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind...and he wasn't afraid to show his temper.

"Derek, I'm sorry.." She began, saying it because she knew she had to...not because she believed she was truly wrong. She admitted she was wrong in not telling Derek her and Mark had lived together. She knew she wrong to pursue Derek even after he made it clear he was only with her out of obligation. But...she couldn't really find an issue with the fact that she neglected to tell Derek about the abortion. It wasn't his baby...he had no right. That's what she was telling herself anyway. It felt better than thinking back to the decision she made out of panic and desperation.

"No. Save it Addison." The way he spat her name showed her just how long the thoughts had been stewing in his mind.

"I just want to know one thing...how did you live with yourself? How did you sit there while I was ruining my life to make our marriage work...and just...lie to me?" Derek knew he was being harsh, but he didn't really care. He wasn't raising his voice, but the matter of fact way he was speaking created a harsh enough impact.


	70. Chapter 70

"I just want to know one thing...how did you live with yourself? How did you sit there while I was ruining my life to make our marriage work...and just...lie to me?" Derek knew he was being harsh, but he didn't really care. He wasn't raising his voice, but the matter of fact way he was speaking created a harsh enough impact.

Addison stood in a stunned silence taking in what he said. She tried not to let his words insult her, she was expecting him to be mad, she thought she was just going to apologize and be on her way...but his angry tirade left her fuming.

"Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry fixing our marriage was ruining your life. You picked me Derek. You left Meredith. That was your decision. Don't blame it on me." She snapped back folding her arms across her chest.

"Well maybe if you hadn't slept with my best friend I wouldn't of had to make that choice."

"Derek, I may have started it, but you cheated too! We were still married and you were in a relationship with someone else so don't put it all on me!" Her cheeks were flushed as she threw the words back at him knowing they would agitate him, but not caring.

"We were separated Addison."

"Oh...so if Meredith had been with someone else while you two were separated that would have been ok?" His eyes turned suddenly dark and his nostrils flared.

"That's different. We were not...it's not the same and you know it. You lied to me. Stop changing the subject."

Addison turned away from him, trying to maintain her composer. She didn't know where the girls were, she didn't want to fight, but her raging temper was making it unavoidable.

"It was my body Derek. You had no say! It wasn't your baby. What would we have done? You wouldn't of excepted Mark's child."

"I wouldn't of taken you back that's for damn sure! You said Mark was a one time thing. If you had told me you were pregnant I would have signed the papers the day you got there." He walked back and forth running his angry hands in his hair before turning back to her suddenly.

"It's like one betrayal after the next with you." She knew his words were true, she had known he wouldn't have excepted to work on their lack luster marriage had she told him, perhaps that's why she hadn't. It was so long ago that she couldn't remember her reasons. She had blocked it out of her mind and shook it off as a moment of desperation. It stung though, hearing him say it out loud. She opened her mouth to say something back, but shut it just as quickly. Her face went from angry to hurt and she uncrossed her arms from her chest.

Watching her face change as he caught his breath he felt slightly ashamed that he practically had a screaming match in his foyer. He fought with his wife, and now his ex-wife and his mind seemed to be whirling around faster than he could think.

Clearing her throat she replied in a wavering tone, "Where's my daughter?" Some of the anger rushed out of Derek at hearing her upset voice, but he couldn't stop the feeling of betrayal.

He sighed, and pointed to the family room where he hoped the girls were still sleeping. Addison turned and went in not even looking back. Before he could follow her, Addison had scooped up the baby and in a second, her whole demeanor changed as she cradled the still sleeping Peyton to her chest.

Peyton whimpered at being disturbed, but quieted down, instantly recognizing her mothers voice. "I'll pick up her things tomorrow." Her monotone voice told him and she walked out leaving him in the wake of her coldness.

He wasn't sure what to feel in that moment. He had stood up for himself, gotten it all out of his system, but somehow he felt no better. Arguing with his ex-wife about the past really made no difference to his future...and he had yet to learn from that lesson.

Her heard rustling on the couch and then a loud thump followed by a startled cry and he speed into the living room assuming Ava had finally succumbed to her awkward position and fallen the two feet to the floor.

He found her on the floor rubbing her eyes and holding out her arms to him. "Are you alright?" He almost chuckled, knowing she was going to fall off eventually. She whimpered from the shock of falling and he held her close enjoying the way his being there could comfort her.

"You're ok. Let's watch a movie." She was still buried in his chest but nodded as he sat down with her and grabbed the remote. Even after 4 years, he still marveled at having a daughter. It was like nothing he ever experienced before. It still amazed him how this tiny being lived for him. He had the ability to make or break her day. He could fix any ailment with a simple hug and that power was a heart warming feeling.

"Little Mermaid daddy." She requested before making herself comfortable on his chest. "Again?" He mocked.

"Yes. No more yelling daddy." She pointed her finger into his chest to get her point across and he laughed, as he usually did when she acted well beyond her years.


	71. Chapter 71

Hours later, once the sky was dark and Ava was officially out for the count Derek crept into his bedroom dismayed by how quiet it was. Meredith never had come downstairs, which was rare, even after a fight. He found it hard to believe her and the babies could go without dinner and he couldn't help but worry about her.

The bathroom light was on and he had an overwhelming sense of deja vu. Once he pushed the door open, his eyes were flooded with his very naked wife in their jacuzzi tub. Her new addiction was baths. Every free moment she had lately she spent in the tub. He assumed it was hard carrying around two kids, though she rarely complained.

She turned slightly at hearing him in the doorway and gave him a half nod of permission before sinking even lower into the bubbles. The movement effectively hide her breasts. When he said they needed some time alone he hadn't meant 5 hours...but he assumed she knew that.

Neither of them said a word. She didn't kick him out, so he took it as his invitation into the room. It was steamy, a cloudy film had already covered the windows and mirrors telling him she had been there awhile.

She paid no attention as he shut the door behind him. She pretended to be swishing the bubbles around herself, but he could tell she was really listening curiously. He came closer and closer and each step towards her felt like a bridge between them.

Meredith heard him pad closer and didn't have to look up to tell that he was standing over her. His figure cast a tall shadow over her white body and she shivered with the chill his opening the door had brought into the room.

Neither of them spoke. The room was filled with a tolerable silence until he leaned over and sat down on the plush bench that was usually used for towels and clothes. The bathroom had always been Meredith's room of the house. She hadn't requested much when they built the house, but their master bathroom he had had almost no say in.

"You missed dinner." His voice sounded loud against the hollowness of the bathroom. She turned her head towards him and looked at him with sad eyes as if to say 'I thought it's what you wanted...' the sadness melted into confusion before she turned her head back to it's resting position on the back of the tub.

They shared so many looks that he automatically could read her without even trying to. He couldn't imagine what it would be like if they both weren't so expressive with their eyes.

"Sorry..I took a nap and then..well here I am." He smiled, though it barely reached the corners of his mouth like his usual grin. Derek tried not to think that she had really stayed in their room all night on purpose.

"I put Ava to bed. She was worn out." He watched her frown at that, and she sighed not meaning to miss putting her to bed. "Sorry..I just...needed to cool off." His mind flashed back to the beginning of the weekend...when she had let him escape upstairs for just the same reason and he decided not to press the issue. The were human, they needed space sometimes...it was normal.

They fell back into silence, this time a more awkward one and he got up and walked away from the tub. She didn't expect to feel so disappointed by his departure, but it left a sudden empty feeling in her gut.

Before she could shake it off he was back standing beside her with a two terry cloth towels in his hands. She didn't look up at first, though she could hear him fumbling and moving around.

Finally her curiosity got the best of her and when she did look up, she came face to face with his naked body. "How's the water?" He asked, and leaned over the other end of the tub to flip on the hot water.

She had a great view of his ass and couldn't help but let her tongue sweep across her bottom lip in excitement. "Cold...it's getting cold...what are you doing?" She asked, knowing full well what he was doing but still not believing it.

She wasn't sure why she was so surprised when he stepped into the tub beside her and pushed her body forward so he could sit comfortable behind her. They had done this tons of times when they first moved in, though like the moonlit nights on the balcony, they got less and less frequent as the years went on.

"I'm warming it up for you." He whispered huskily into her ear and she shivered for a whole different reason than the cold. The new, hot water coming in created a warm feeling mixed with the chill that had been there. His body, which was now fully surrounding her made her feel safe and comfortable.

He spread his legs out on either side of her and then pulled her body back to him so that she was almost draped across him. She backed right into his lap and his breath hitched as she bumped against his already growing erection, but other than that they didn't acknowledge it's presence.


	72. Chapter 72

Derek's mind settled immediately at the feel of the warm water and her even warmer body surrounding him. He couldn't remember the last time he had relaxed in the bathtub. Actually, he couldn't really remember the last time he had fully relaxed at all. The weekend was supposed to be, and he frowned thinking just how un-relaxing it was.

The last thoughts of that kind flew away as his hands roamed to Meredith's belly bump and rested there. Like it was an extension of himself he unconsciously let his hands graze the tender skin. He couldn't stop himself from touching her stomach every time he had the chance to. It bothered her, he could tell, but on days when his surgeries sucked, or he was stressed out, he just needed the reminder of how good he really had it.

Her body was tense at first, still unclear whether things were actually okay between them. He shifted under her, pulling her even closer to him, and the final hesitation she was feeling oozed away at the feel of him surrounding her in a safe cocoon.

"Addison came to get Peyton..." He mumbled into her hair. Her eyes had drifted shut, and she sleepily opened them once he began talking.

"I heard...well, I heard her come in anyway."

"Yeah...it was...well, not good." She could feel his body tense underneath her and she shifted her hand so that it was resting on his thigh, tracing feather lite circles around it.

"What happened? I heard her come in right before I fell asleep."

He cleared his throat, his mind wandering to her hand that was drifting dangerously close to his groin each time she moved. Her hand slowed, becoming more of an unconscious habit like his on her belly.

"Mark had told her about the abortion...so it was awkward. She knew I was angry..and she didn't seem very apologetic. We fought, because she doesn't seem to think it's a problem.."

"So I guess she didn't say if her and mark made up?" He grunted, and nipped at her ear lobe effectively ending her question.

"I don't really care at this point if they did or didn't."

"Ouch." She responded to his bite by digging her nails slightly into his the flesh at his thigh. "Don't be bitter Derek. I understand why it makes you mad, but it was so long ago."

He swatted her hand away from him, sending ripples over the edge of the tub before reaching down with his foot to shut off the water. "I could have been sitting in a bathtub with you instead of trying to make things work with her."

"But, you wouldn't have been. I know I said all that pick me stuff...but it wouldn't have been that easy. I think the shock of you having a wife in the first place still hadn't set in yet.." Her hand was working over time now, as she grew more nervous. They had talked about this before, she didn't want to start another argument, but he needed to see that the what if scenario was silly to think about.

He was silent for several minutes and she turned her head slightly to see what was wrong with him. "Derek, did you hear me?" Her hand had accidentally brushed against the inner part of his thigh and his exhaled breath came out in a long puff.

"I can't really think while your hand is doing that..." He managed to get out. She stopped, not even realizing she had been doing it. She thought about continuing their conversation, but realized it was a mute point, so she let her hand glide a few inches higher.

She grinned, though he couldn't see it, and purposely let her thumb graze against his groin which she noticed had been growing steadily harder and harder since he had stepped foot in the tub.

"Meredith...you're kind of driving me crazy.." He shifted, trying to make himself more comfortable but only managed to shift his hardness into her backside.

"Oh...I'm sorry." She joked before reaching even further to fondle his balls.

"In a good way.." He groaned and tried not to buck against her hand. They hadn't been able to do anything all weekend due to Peyton and he was thankful that she had finally left.

His hands shifted up to her breasts and massaged them, the water making the movements even more sensual. She relaxed and rested her head on his chest but moved to protest when his hand left her breast to travel down her thigh.

"I want to please you." She protested, trying to shimmy away from him, which only made her body bump into his groin. He grunted, unable to hold it in and took the opportunity to reach his hand down and brush against her clitoris.

Her sharp intake of breath told him she enjoyed it, before he could go any further she had managed to flip herself around sending water splashing everywhere. She positioned himself so that she was straddling him, letting his cock graze gently at her opening, but making no move to let him in.

"Is Ava asleep?" She asked, reaching again with her hand and this time she took a firm hold of him. His eyes shut automatically at her sensitive touch.

"Yess..." He hissed, and arched into her a little, almost begging for more.

"Really asleep? Or half asleep?"

"Asleep, asleep.." He assured, though at that point he probably would have assured her anything.

"Derek, if she wakes up and interrupts this you're finished." Without any warning she shifted and took him inside of her and he was surrounded by her warm flesh. He groaned with the sudden contact and arched up into her, but she just sat there, until he opened his eyes again to look at her.

Her arched eye brow was sexy, he liked her bossiness and he pulled her close and licked at her neck. "She's asleep, I swear.." She was hiding the fact that her still was torture and had to bite her lip to keep from moving.

He pulled her even closer and slid his tongue into her mouth mimicking the movements he wanted to do with his body. She whimpered, and gave in as their lips crashed together fiercely.

Her hips rocked into his slowly at first, but as their kisses grew deeper and more frantic so did her movements. Grabbing her ass he shifted so that he was even deeper inside of her and rocked to match her every move. It wasn't an easy position, her large belly kept pushing into him and he was afraid it was going to hurt the babies, but she didn't seem to be worried, so he pushed the thoughts away.

She cried out, begging him for more even though she was seemingly in charge. He couldn't stop kissing her, and she had to pull away in order to breathe. They were both panting and moaning in ecstasy, both aware that their voices were echoing off the tile of the bathroom but neither caring to do anything about it.

He didn't think it was possible, but he managed to go even deeper into her and suddenly her whole body tensed and she screamed and shuddered around him. It only took another thrust before he was sent careening over the edge and both sat there trying to catch their breaths.

His head lulled back to the edge of the tub and she rested hers on his chest for a minute before she had to move out of the awkward position. He groaned as sat up and he was left feeling suddenly cold. A good amount of the water had splashed out of the tub, so his upper body was exposed to the cool air.

"So..your craving for sex..is it really gone?" He wondered aloud, hoping they could have a repeat performance later that night.

She smirked at him, completely exhausted and still slightly out of breath. "I think..it may have just come back." He leaned down and used his foot to flip the hot water back on and he helped her shift again so she was sitting in front of him.

They knew they should get out, they both knew they should be talking, or emailing more therapists, but they were both too relaxed to care.


	73. Chapter 73

"Why's daddy mad at Aunt Addie?" Ava asked Meredith curiously on their way into her Pre-School. Derek's weekly board meeting got moved to that morning which broke his promise to always drop Ava off at school. Meredith didn't mind, she enjoyed time with her daughter.

Perhaps having sensed Meredith's exhaustion, Ava chose to go to school willingly, giving her mother no trouble at all. Meredith fumbled with Ava's sleeping mat and extra clothes before ushering her daughter into the foyer of the school.

She was suddenly anxious, not sure how to respond at her overly smart daughter.

"Well...I think her and daddy just had a little fight...it'll be okay."

"Like you and daddy?" A few parents walked past her in a hurry and she pulled Ava aside in order to keep them out of the way.

"Yeah...well, grown ups fight sometimes."

"But, big people are supposed to do love things.." Meredith looked down at her completely confused and adjusted the things in her hand. "Love things?" She questioned, glancing at the clock on the wall and knowing she was going to be late.

Ava rolled her eyes at her mother like a teenager. "Big people do love things. Andrew said his mommy and daddy do.." Another mother walked by and Meredith faked a smile hoping no one else could hear the conversation.

Tapping her foot nervously on the floor she sighed. She was too flustered to have the conversation. She didn't know how to talk to her 4 year old about "love things.." or Derek and Addison...and their complicated history.

"Don't worry, he wont stay mad too long. Daddy never does.." She found it hard to keep a straight face while saying it, she knew it was far from the truth. She tried to bend down so she could be on her daughter's level, but her belly prevented it.

Instead she swept a the messy hair out of Ava's face. She had tried to style it that morning, but the craziness of getting out the door prevented it.

"But..him yelled!" She replied not believing her mother. She was a sensitive child, and cared about others more than a regular 4 year old would. Meredith smiled, the exact same situation would have pissed her mother off and gotten her sent to her room, but Meredith found it cute how much Ava cared.

"We've got to go inside, you're gonna miss snack time." Ava looked up at her with sad eyes, and looked for a second like she was going to protest. At Meredith's pleading look however, she took her mother's hand and let her lead her into the building.

Derek's meeting had gone far too long and he sighed as he left the top floor where the administrative offices were housed. Sitting on the board was a great opportunity, he loved the fact that his hard work had finally paid off...but he couldn't stand the time it took away from the OR. After the weekend he had, he needed to cut, it was the a stress reliever.

"How'd the meeting go? I'm glad I have someone on the inside now." Mark spoke, catching up to him in front of the OR board.

"It was uneventful.." He shrugged. Mark smirked and winked at an overly flirtatious scrub nurse. Derek grunted and loosened his tie. "Someday..you're going to get fired for that...then I'll have what should have been mine to begin with.."

Mark scoffed at him but didn't stop looking at the nurse's ass as she walked away. "Please, you could barely handle your family with the job you have now, try being chief...it's not easy."

"Shut up Mark. You don't know what you're talking about.."

"Right...so Addison came home in a snit last night...I take it you had something to do with that.." Mark changed the subject and Derek's fists clinched.

"I don't want to talk about it Mark."

"That's what she said too...it's a little suspicious."

"I said shut up!" He spat. "I'm not in the mood." All he wanted to do was get into his first surgery and forget about Addison or Mark for that matter.

"Well you should be in a good mood.." He heard behind him and turned to find his wife already dressed in a pair of large scrubs.

"Meredith.." He whispered with a smile, the first real smile he had used all day. He was grateful for her presence. Somehow she always managed to have the power to sooth him.

He leaned forward to kiss her and Mark clearly his throat, but Derek paid no attention. "If we could have a repeat of last night I'd be in a better mood.." He replied huskily into her ear.

Getting annoyed Mark walked away going unnoticed by the pair. Looking at the circles under her eyes Derek's face turned serious.

"How was the drop off today?"

"It was good. She actually went without me carrying her in." Derek cupped her cheek with his palm and looked at her with worry filled eyes.

"I'm fine." She shook him off, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

"We were up late, you need more sleep than that.."

"Derek, I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me all the time."

He smiled at her with a pouty face. "I always worry. Especially when you're carrying around my beautiful daughter's." She rolled her eyes at his cheesiness, but couldn't help but feel a tingle of warmth at his words.

"You have an appointment today don't you?" He asked, hesitating a little. He wanted to go, he just wished they hadn't chosen Addison as their doctor.

Noticing his anxiousness she shook her head. "Yeah, but it's just a check-up, you don't have to go." He looked at her for a moment, watching as her eyes tried to hide how much she really wanted him there.

"No, unless an emergency comes up I'll be there."

"Derek, really, it's okay..."

"Meredith. I'm going."

"I could just fill you in..." He laughed, and kissed her temple. "I'll be waiting all day if I wait for you to tell me." He joked, and then walked away before she could reply.

"I'll see you at 1." He called, not giving her a chance to argue.


	74. Chapter 74

Hello girls,

I'm really sorry I haven't uploaded anymore chapters to this site. My computer does not work right with this site for some reason and it never uploads the way it should. I'm not sure when or if I'll ever get around to posting the rest.

Thank you so much for all your reviews and wonderful comments. If you want to continue reading, the story is up to date here: .?showtopic=433&st=0

the link should take you right to it! It's an on going story that I try to update at least once a week.

It's the grey's mcboard and right now it's the only site where you can read the whole thing without weird symbols showing up. Sorry for that, I know it sucks signing up for different boards, but it's worth it I promise :)


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